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[searchingoncemore]

When Shame Sits On A Pew

When shame sits on a pew, the savior meets her there.

Despite the running, there was the searching. Despite the hopelessness, there was joy on the horizon. Despite the despair, there was peace. Despite the mourning, there was dancing. Despite the pain, there was purpose.

There are many moments of my younger days that I am not the most proud of. I don't necessarily regret the choices made during those moments of my youth as they led me to a path of genuine healing and peace as an adult. Though this is true, I would be lying if I said that I didn't pick up my fair share of wounds and scars along the way. I would be lying if I said that I do not remember days that still haunt my nights.

I have days where the light feels heavy.

Days where the dark feels comforting.

Days where chaos serves as a beautiful distraction.

Sometimes when you experience moments like this, every once in a while you remember how to cuddle up next to shame and guilt at night like it is your only savior.

But then, there was a voice calling out to me. The voice became louder. It became clearer. It overtook the essence of my being and began to draw me nearer.

The voice led me to a pew and I sat on it as my trembling hands folded themselves to pray. It all feels wrong. I don't belong here. Don't you know who I am? Don't you know who people say I am?

The "lost sister".

The "rebel".

The "runner".

Don't you remember what I've done? What I have said? Who I hurt while I was hurting?

Amidst my contest the voice so calmly whispers,

"but don't you remember whose you are? You are mine. Don't you remember Saul? Don't you remember his shame? His guilt? His flashy persecution of my followers? But most importantly, don't you remember his genuine conversion?"

And then I begin to weep in the face of acceptance of knowing I cannot continue trying to do this alone. I begin to weep at the thought of a Savior daring to save a running, rebellious sinner like me.

I admit it.

I need His Grace,

His Mercy,

His Forgiveness,

His Peace and Purpose.

You see, when shame sits on a pew, the savior meets you there.

Wherever you are.

Whether it is a physical pew or a metaphorical one, he's there. He's waiting without judgment. He knows you are hurting. He knows that life feels heavy. He knows you are running. Despite this, he's waiting.

I promise, he is waiting for you because he waited for me. Patiently and persistently. Gently calling out to me and telling me it's time to come home, I've been hurting and searching long enough.

It's the home my heart has longed for since the year of see you soon.

He cares about my hurting heart. He cares about the chronic grief. He cares about how my mind becomes entrapped in the past and hears my cry to take it away as he holds me.

I find peace knowing he is here and he cares. He meets us where we are. Whatever that looks like.

Just as you are.

He is calling out to you like he called out to me.

Won't you answer?

“If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them wanders away, what will he do? Won’t he leave the ninety-nine others on the hills and go out to search for the one that is lost? And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he will rejoice over it more than over the ninety-nine that didn’t wander away! In the same way, it is not my heavenly Father’s will that even one of these little ones should perish." Matthew 18: 12-14

[searchingoncemore]

The Tale of Two Hedgehogs

I believe in signs. I have too. It helps me go on. It helps ground me. It helps me feel connected. Sometimes we read something and it influences us for the rest of our lives and how we interact with those in this world and those beyond it. A book that forever changed my life is “Signs: The Secret Language of the Universe” by Laura Lynne Jackson. It is impossible for me to write all the things I think and feel about this book, but I will attempt to summarize. Essentially when loved one’s pass on, they become part of your team of light. The Light is Christ, your team of light includes Him (Father/Son/Spirit), the angels that surround and protect us, and the ones who have gone on that deeply love us. 

This book discusses signs, which are the ways loved ones let us know that they are with us. Signs don’t have to be cliche. They can be random and as specific as you want so that it helps to solidify that it is indeed a message from your team of light. All you have to do is ask. It can be in your head. It can be in your heart. It can be outloud, but you must ask. Our teams of light are the most powerful forces in this universe and are always working to protect us and connect with us.

After reading the book, I spent weeks trying to decide what sign I wanted to ask my Daddy for. I wanted it to be perfect and incredibly specific because I am quite the skeptic and needed to be absolutely certain it wasn’t a coincidence if I saw it. It had to be obvious that it was sent from him to me. I couldn’t decide if I wanted it to be a word, a symbol or a song. Finally I decided it would be 2 hedgehogs. It had to be 2. One hedgehog would be too easy for me to think it was a coincidence and 50 hedgehogs would do the same. I was nervous, but I finally asked in my heart, “Daddy? Could you please send me two hedgehogs? I really need you right now, will you please? If you can?” 

I waited. And waited. I looked and looked everywhere, but no luck. Nothing. A week went by and I was feeling discouraged and more disconnected from him than ever. During the early stages of shock and grief, there is no real schedule other than continuing to exist. One night, I needed to get out of the house, I just couldn’t be in that space any longer. The only thing open at 10:30 is Walmart so that is where we deliriously headed. I walked down the aisle and just as something told me to look over there, I saw it. There staring back at me was 2 hedgehogs on a pair of clearance socks. 2. Inside a store I never go in, late (for me) at night, the last pair. For me, from him. My eyes were filled with tears as I knew I finally got my sign. I never told anyone about it, so imagine my husband's confusion when he saw me sobbing over a $1 pair of socks.. 

Since then, he has continued sending signs when I need them most. The one that got me to my core was when I kept telling everyone in my life that I just needed a hug from him. That’s all I wanted. That very same week, a figurine crossed my path where it is a Daddy hedgehog hugging a baby hedgehog (see pic). 2. Hugging. The last one. You can call it coincidence, but I choose to call it a sign.

Now, some of the signs are more light hearted and I kind of tease him with random things to try and send, like I asked one time for a hedgehog holding a balloon (which he did in a puzzle), or a hedgehog flying a kite or holding an umbrella (yep, sent those too). I have one up my sleeve that he seems to be having a hard time with but I know it will come too. 

I want to encourage you with the idea that your team of light see’s you and holds you everyday. 

My new ink may be my most meaningful tattoo. A continual reminder.

A sign. 

I love you Daddy. I’ll see you soon.