seasskulls

[seasskulls]

i was born the jester in the court of god and i serve to entertain the world.

not always appreciated, but i continue executing my purpose.

i’ve met one whose purpose is to execute and i jest for my life and my love. i appease the court over and over

my hat quadrants are stuffed with plots and theories and paranoia

but i jest.

the bells jingle and get louder and higher and faster. i cry for help through the bells on my stupid hat

the court laughs. i cannot scream lest the executioner serve his purpose.

i dance around and pray to fall and crack my skull open before it is done for me.

i pray that as i perish i continue to amuse. never a muse.

[seasskulls]

you look at him with a desire that can only be described as starvation. the most severe and desperate hunger in existence. you’re past the motive of love or lust, but purely consumption needed to survive

[seasskulls]

i’m going to close the gap in my front teeth to keep you from crawling out of me through my mouth when i speak of you.

[seasskulls]

you make me sick. you *made* me sick. you infected me and became chronic. you never go away. you become dormant and i think i’m getting better and then my eyes get watery and i feel nauseous and i know you’re still there. i’m never getting rid of you. no remedy has ever worked. you’re permanently lingering in my immune system. it’s the only way you’ll ever touch me again

[seasskulls]

i feel disgusting. i want to feel you in every disgusting way. i feel. disgusting. d. i. s. g. u. s. t. i. n. g. desire. intimacy. skin. grabbing. ungodly. sexually. terrifying. inside. nauseating. glorious.

we can’t discuss being disgusting. i want it. it disgusts you, but not in the way it does to me. i’m disgusting.

[seasskulls]

i’m going to gouge your eyes out to force you to actually look at me

[seasskulls]

09/01/24

-it’s sunday and i can’t stop crying.

-it’s 8:42 am and i miss you more than ever.

-it’s labor day weekend and i hate myself.

-it’s september and im waiting for you.

-it’s sunday and i can’t stop crying.

[seasskulls]

today she traced the crevices of my palms with black pen.

it was the most liberating pain i’ve ever felt

the most pleasurable restriction.

she drew my fingerprints as spirals and i could feel my heart start circulating and my brain stop.

my hand looked like a cartoon

and i realized i’ve never felt real in my life

even now with her, nothing was real

the only real feeling was the self disgust at the fact that i couldn’t replicate the same tracings on her palms

even if i drew the same way she did it wouldn’t be the same

because she had already traced her own left hand, and i knew i would never be right for her

her left hand even had the remains of her polydactyly traced and it looked like a fermata which made me only think about how long i wanted to hold her

her mother always nags her for drawing on her skin because she thinks that the toxins will leak into her bloodstream and slowly kill her

i wouldn’t mind though for either of us

if that’s how i leave this life at least i live on as a permanent bored doodle on my palms

that’s all i am

today she traced the crevices of my palms with black pen

today i was silently established as a permanent state of being: never hers.

that’s all i am and the restriction is still pleasurable but in the way that barbed wire around your neck manages to scratch the itch you had while it slices your throat and exposes your toxin-filled blood to the air leaving you to rub it off with your pen-coated palms

the ink and blood will wash off my hands but still leave the trace of my permanence

never hers

that’s all i am

soon the permanence will die, and i will no longer be marked as never hers.

but i have to be marked that way if it means i keep any connection with her

soon the permanence will die, and i can only beg to go with it

before it’s too late

too late for her

that’s all i am

[seasskulls]

i think i will love you tonight as i loved you a thousand nights ago as i will love you from the dawn of time to it’s rebirth i will i will

i will love you because you’ve made me whole. you never lay your hands on me yet you’re everywhere on me behind my ears in the small of my back and on the birthmark of my upper inner thigh you are everywhere on me and i will love you because you’ve made me whole. even once you’ve dropped and shattered me like a plate and left me in the cruel waves to become sea glass. i will still love you

your presence on my body is ungovernable and you’ve never laid a finger on me

you’re in my blood and tears and the bony part of my hips you’re in the bump of my nose and the curve of my lips and you’re in the sharpness of my teeth which have never sunken into you but know your taste and the tenderness of your flesh and i will spend the rest of my life craving you without knowing what it is that i want

your presence on my body is unforgivable and you’ve never laid a finger on me

you’ve made me whole and i resent you for it