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[secludeduser]

Story pt. 2

The front door creaked open and her footsteps echoed throughout the empty house. Her shoes in one hand and her bag in the other, she walked towards the kitchen. She dropped her bag on the floor and used her newly emptied hand to pull open the refrigerator door. After glancing over the bare shelves, she grasps a bottle of milk and pulls it out, closing its door with her foot. She slid over the ceramic tiles towards the counter, where she poured the drink into a mug. It had been used before and had a blurred picture of a person running with the word “Marathon” in bold font on it. ‘Seems like something dad would have bought’, she said to herself. She left the bottle on the counter, not bothering to return it to the refrigerator. It looked odd, standing alone on the bare countertop.

She had taken off her coat and tucked into under her arm. Her feet dragged on the stairs, as she made herself in the way upstairs. The cold air didn’t change upstairs. She shivered.

[secludeduser]

Right and wrong

How do we know the difference? We can’t just overpower a persons opinion or thoughts by saying that it is wrong. What gives us the right to do so? Many people had made assumptions and others believed they were correct for centuries. Claudius Ptolemy, an egytian mathematician and astronomer during the era of the romam empire, believed that the sun revolved around the earth. That the earth was theb centre of our solar system. He created the geocentric model and people believed in it for over 1,500 years. But was later proved wrong by Nicolaus Copernicus, a  Renaissance polymath experted in the subjects of mathematics and astronomy. All those years, poeple had believed the words of Ptolemy and assumed them as true. And now, of course, we can prove with evidence that Copernicus’ theory is scientifically correct.

Before and during WW2, Adolf Hitler had created an entire army through words of hatred. He had manipulated majority of the German kingdom to believe that they were better, more worthy of living than jews (mainly) but also other minority groups. Why do we now say that this is wrong? What proof do we have that they are just as worthy of living as other people?

Well, our decisions of good and bad come from law, justice and morality. Some of the most important and fundamental moral principles seem to be universally held by all people in all cultures and do not change over time. Humans ahve gained this sense of symapthy during evolution and living in societies for centuries, which makes us different from sefl-isolating animals. It is their instinct.

Going back to our topic, we may say there there are set things that everyone agrees are right. These have undeniable proof. They are the laws of nature. We cannot deny these. We know for a fact that gravity exists. What was the theory of gravity? The Newtonian theory of gravity is based on an assumed force acting between all pairs of bodies. We know that fire is hot to the touch and ice is cold. We know how when the two north poles of two magnets are held near each other, they repel. We know why birds can fly but pigs cannot. These are all, what we call, basic knowledge, common sense. It is all logical to us. 

But what about the multiverse theory. Let’s say we travel out of our solar system. Beyond our galaxy and out of the cosmic web. What will we reach? Our universe is said to be endless but what if it is not. What if we would reach its end. At our current level of knowledge we would never be able to reach it, since it’s explanding much too quickly for us to reach it. But is we were to exit it, what would we have discovered? The mutliverse theory believes that there may be an infinity of other universes, all with their own laws of physics. Now, the knowledge we have collected from our would be useless. They would be wrong. 

Everything I have said until this point are mere assumptions and hypotheses. If and maybe. But it doesn’t necessarily mean it is incorrect. We simply do not know.  And there is no answer to right or wrong, good or bad. Just like there if no true self of a person. There is no one version of me. No correct version; I am seen differently by every person. Everyone has a different perception of me, including myself. So there is no true me, for a single correct version doesn’t exist. It is all the different forms of me that create the person I am.

According to scientific evidence and common knowledge, I can state that I have the ability to think. The ability to think cannot be restricted, which makes it such a wonderful thing.

[secludeduser]

10 June 2022

6 am again. With no alarm or anything. It’s been like this fod the past 2 weeks. I get up and head to the bathroom. My hair was greasy so I empty the shower and get in. I really wish I brought my shamepoo and conditioner here. But i made do with what I had available. I didn’t have breakfast. I just got ready and made my bag.It was already 07 20 and my uncle still hadn’t gotten out of his room. We usually left at this time, so I knocked on his door and he said he was getting ready. 

At school, we were preparing for a short drama that we wwrote in response to a poem. “Medusa” by Carol Ann Duffy. We hadn’t rehearsed or anything so it didn’t go too well but our teacher said it was alright. 

We had a party in our economics class with pizza and we also ordered boba. Apparently they forgot to get me one (fuck you Aru) but it was all right.

Instead of going to cinema club, we went to cooking because it was our teacher’s (he was also our biology teacher) final week at school. We is a great person and I will miss him but I wouldn’t have wanted him to teach me next year. A boy from our grade had gotten him a late birthday cake so we ate that and went down to the tennis club. We stayed there for half an hour until school was over. We walked with our chemistry teacher who was ALSO leaving (half the teachers are leaving this year) and I’ll actually miss him a lot. He was a great teacher, in my opinion. I had to leave quickly though, so I said my goodbyes and headed to the gate. 

I was supposed to come home by myself but I didn’t want to take the bus so I asked if I could be dropped off by a metro station on the way. We picked up my cousin and drove. I got dropped off near the sishane metro station and I nearly missed it. 

This older man was staring at me most of the ride and I wanted to get on a different wagon but that would have been immoderate so I just stood behind a woman. I quickly got off at my station. I was sweating so much, especially with my mask. Thank god I hadn’t worn long pants. I got home and washed myself and emptied my bag and then went to the supermakrt. I got some things and then began to gp home. I was dissapointed that I wasn’t raining which it was supposed to be. 

I made myself things to eat and watched some things. I cleaned up my mess and washed my dishes and watched a series recommended by my friend. I spent the rest of the night reading in my room. 

[secludeduser]

09 June 2022

This morning, I rolled over to look at the clock hanging on the wall in the room of my cousin. I’ve been staying at their place since yesterday, because my grandma is ill. She got the virus. It said 7 am. It took me a second to process but then I quite literally jumped out of my bed. I had to be ready to leave at 07 30. My phone had to charge and I couldn’t find anything. Turns out we had to be there at 9. It was a 20 minute drive. So I complain why they would make me go so early. 

I get there and, to be completely honest, it was the nicest school that I’ve seen in this city so far. Istanbul isn’t really the greenest place. Concrete and tar everywhere you look at. But this place had a massive green area where students were spenign their break times on.

The exams were unbelieveably difficult. I was so relieved when i got them over. I was only able to answer one turkish literature question. 

Well I returned home and spent most of my day in my room, watching series.

[secludeduser]

04 June 2022

I’m back. I’ve been going well lately. Going around the city with my family or friends. Exploring new things. Self-care is very important to me right now. I bought a new book called “The City and The Cat” by Nick Bradley. It seems interesting. I haven’t had the chance to start reading it but apparently it’s about a cat that explores and experiences the lives of others and also just matters in general in the vast metropolis. I feel like that cat. Observing and understanding the life outside our own. Living so freely.

My knees are healing. I’ve been more causious about these things. My go-to show right now is “Breaking Bad” and I really enjoy the story. Both funny but so well thought.

Next Thursday, I’ll be taking some entrance exams for Eyboğlu. Not to attend that school, but to test myself just for the fun of it. School has also been pretty boring recently. The most exciting thing are projects. My group is pretty much done with our project which is a relief. As fun as it was, it was quite stressful.

I’m planning on writing a story. I have some ideas but I’m still unsure if I’m so commited to the idea that I’ll actually oull through with it or not. 

[secludeduser]

Methylene and methemoglobinemia

Methylene blue is a thiazine dye. It works by converting the ferric iron in hemoglobin to ferrous iron. As a medication, it is mainly used to treat methemoglobinemia. Specifically, it is used to treat methemoglobin levels that are greater than 30% or in which there are symptoms despite oxygen therapy.#

Methemoglobin is a form of hemoglobin that cannot carry oxygen. In methemoglobinemia, tissues cannot get enough oxygen. Symptoms may include headache, dizziness, fatigue, shortness of breath, nausea, vomiting, rapid heartbeat, loss of muscle coordination, and blue-colored skin.

The most common cause of congenital methemoglobinemia is cytochrome b5 reductase deficiency (type I b5R). It is an recessive hereditary (RHM) is an autosomal (located in one of the numbered or non-sex chromosomes) recessive metabloic disorder.

[secludeduser]

The identity of the wind

I lost the color from my skin,

The meat off my bones,

And the nails off my fingers,

I lost myself to the wind,

I let it sweep me away and guide me,

Right out of my comfort zone,

I let it guide me,

Helped me over obstacles and avoid others,

But without a warning it abandoned me,

All alone,

Again.

I sat and cried,

The hot tears bleeding down my face,

A rare sight really,

Feeling so lost in thoughts,

For only could I fly with the guidance of the wind,

Or so I thought,

I no longer recognized myself,

I'm losing my shape,

As though my identity were melting in the palms of its hands.

[secludeduser]

29th May 2022

Yesterday was prom. My first prom. And in the beginning everything was fine. I dance and scremed song lyrics with my friends, but the lasgt half hour I spent crying with my good friend comferting me. A few girls in a grade above asked if I were doing all right. They're so sweet. I had gotten so pretty that night. My tears ended up ruining my make up. Screw him.

[secludeduser]

25th May 2022

Today was a fun day. I got to school pretty early. Then we had chemistry. We were doing a project. We collected soil and leaf samples of plants around of school. Then we began testing the pH of the soils we collected but didn’t have enough time to try them all. We have chem again tomorrow anyways. So afterwards I went to leave my friends pen on her desk of her next class. She thanked me over text which was funny. Then we had music class. In the break before music I talked with a guy in my grade and read my book. I had started Crime and Punishment during exam week but never finished it. Decided to borrow it again. The librarian is such a nice person. So during music we worked on our projects but I was bored so I played 8 ball because someone left it open on once of the computers of the music technology lab. I lost to myself so many times…. Then we had an assembly. Parts were fun but one of the games that they do “teachers against students” was a bit boring so I read. Also I got an IB award but I forgot what the theme was. Then after the assembly, we went to lunch. Well the line was too long because everyone had gone there from the assembly room, which wasn’t too far from there, so instead I joined up with some friends. I slapped my friends ass and was terrified for the rest of the day that he’ll do it back (which he ended up doing (•-•)). I get it that I started it but come on. My bad. 

Then we had mathematics. Pretty chill. My friend worked on her art project and another girl wanted to help her but ended up getting clay on her leggings. So we spent 20 minutes in the bathroom, trying to get it off. Our teacher eventually came and checked up on us. She got it out FINALLY. Then it was time to go home. I got picked up and we also picked up my cousin from school. 

[secludeduser]

25th May 2022

I was sitting in the shade of my cousins kindergarten. I wanted to be sad again. I felt a little lonely. But I look up at the great acorns trees above me and recognized how small I was. How insignificant I am in the eyes of the universe. And how I believe my entire world is crushed at the moment. But nothing will stop. Nothing will change because of my emotions and thoughts. Although I don’t want to believe it, time will heal my wounds. Eventually. And I have every right to feel like this. But I’ve learned and realized that if you stop going, if you think with such pessimism, then you’ll never grow. You’ll never learn. And for that reason I will grow up. I will learn with the pains I have received and I thank everyone for that. I mean, I get it people that hurt me should be considered assholes, but I like seeing past that. Throughout my life I could never hate the people that hurt me, and that is merely because these things have helped me grow; Helped me become the strong woman I am and will be. And no one can ever take that away from me.

I hope some day I can look and talk with him again. I do actually but I feel this empty pit in my heart, growing bigger but still making my chest feel heavy. This doesn’t add up. How can reduction of something make it heavier. It’s not possible. So it must be something growing. Maybe it’s the roots of strength, making it clear to me that no matter how hard it may be, I will be prepared for the future.

Right now, at 15:34 on the 25th of May 2022 I feel happy. A painful joy.

[secludeduser]

18 May 2022

We had our big science exam today. Honestly, I don’t think it went too bad. I bullshitted a few questions; Apparently a few of them were right so I’m not too disappointed. Music class today was really fun. I got to record the lyrics of my song with a studio microphone. It was amazing. A few on my friends listened to my song and were amazed by how good it is. That made me really happy because I wasn’t sure if it was good. During lunch, a guy from my class asked if me and my boyf were still dating and I said yes. He said that he thought my boyfriend was acting too friendly towards one of him and one of my friend. Same girl with the jacket story. I told him, that I talked about how I felt about it. Made me think about it right before the exam which pissed me off. Didn’t have a clear mind when I went into the examination room. My friend hugged me because she realized something was up. She’s so sweet.

Tomorrow we have a day off, so I will concentrate on finishing my projects. I have to finish my economics commentary untiul monday which was meant to be due for next friday but she cut down back the due date. I’m almost done anyway. And then there the music project. I only have to fill out organizers and stuff.

Well I better go make myself something to eat. I’ll be back.

[secludeduser]

13 May 2022

Today our grade was so empty. Almost everyone went to the volleyball tournament and it just makes me so mad how I wasn’t able to go because of my carelessness. It was pretty boring today. In English class, we talked about deeper/ implict meaning of writing. We also went outside and read a poem there. The rest of the day was pretty much just self-study. In Spanish, it was only me and another guy, but we were sent to study with the french class. Me and my friend talked and messed around most of the time. 

Then, after I got home, I thought I would have an english language oral test for another school that my grandparents want me to check out, but it turned out it was just my character analysis in turkish, while a lot of personal questions.

I read my current book “Radio SIlence” that my friend had gifted me a while back and I quite enjoy it. I spent most of my day lying in my bed and thinking whether I was becoming depressed again or not. It’s probably my period. 

I talked to him in the evening and told him about my day in great detail, even though it was unbelievably boring. And when he talked about his and sent pictures of the trip, I felt kind sad. I wished I could have gone. It seemed so nice.

Anyways, he told me he needed to sleep since there was another match the next day starting at 7:30 am so we hung up.

Not really the best day but not the worst.

[secludeduser]

11 May 2022

I’ve been feeling better lately, although today most of our grade went to a mixed volleyball, football and basketball tournament. I was pretty bummed out that I couldn’t go to the volleyball match because of my fucked up ankel. I twisted it a month ago but am not allowed to play yet. 3 more weeks....

But it was pretty nice having such an empty class. It was really chill. At the end of maths class my friends and I just admired pictures of hedgehogs and looked how kangeroo pouches look like from the inside. It was a little strange.

I stayed after school with my two other friends and talked. Then we parted ways and I walked one of them to their street. I was waiting to get picked up. Apperantly, it was going to take a while to get home if I went with them so I got off at a nearby mall. I messaged him and he wanted to join me and since his place was neaer the mall, I went there. He came out and he accompanied me on my way home. We hadn’t been on the metro together for a while now and it brought back memories. He was a little down because they lost the football match and he felt responsable (my little goalie) even though it wasn’t his fault. We sat and talked infront of my place until I had to go. I hated seeing him go in such a bad mood. I miss him. 

I asked my grandma if I could get a gym membership next year for Imy CAS task and she was cool with it, which I was suprised of. The CAS task is simply a collection of activities, which includes sports activities, volunteer work, tutoring etc.

I will study for next weeks theory science exam this evening and either take a shower tonight or tomorrow morning. 

Today I’ve come to realize that I actrually have a nice body. Although people tell me these things, I find it hard to believe since I’m unbelievable insecure about everything. 

I have to go now but I’ll do my best to make myself happy today and for the rest of my life!!

[secludeduser]

09 May 2022

Well today wasn’t too bad but there is one things that has been bothering me. He exchanged jackets with another girl at school and the thing is she is one of my best friends. Or that’s at least how I see her. She doesn’t really like how I show my affection and when I jump at her, because I’m just so excited to see her, she just looks annoyed and that just hurts. He realized I was feeling down after I saw them and kept asking me what’s wrong but I just brushed it off, because I do NOT want to seem like the jealous or sensitive type. I’m the strongest and most independent person you could meet EVER, but lately I’ve been feeling more emotional and I just don’t like it. 

So I’m feeling jealously. Horrible, gut turning and soul eating jealousy. And maybe this is important for any good relationship but, come on, it shouldn’t be normal that I feel this way. Although I am anything but normal, but noone is. So if everyone is strange, that makes that the new norm, so I am like everyone else. 

The nice part of my day was when my friend and I hung out. We stayed at school because I was supposed to be picked up at around 16 o’clock (school finishes at 3pm). So we listened to music and talked. She told me about her struggles and I listened and talked about mine and we laughed and enjoyed ourselves. We danced and sung in the bathroom. She makes me feel good about myself. I might be able to have a sleepover with her this weekend but I haven’t gotten the chance to ask yet. 

Tomorrow we have a science exam. Alternative to pratical. It is such an easy exam but you just have to memorize everything; Experimental techniques, results when you mix two certain chemical solutions together but at least they gave us the formulas. I can’t believe how much better I am in chemistry now. I hated it and refused to learn any of it but I understand it much much better. I still lack soooo much knowlegde but I will get there eventually.

God I’m in the shittiest mood today. I cried (shed a few tears secretively) during english class and on the ride home. The second I walked into the kitchen, I saw that my grandma got me strawberries. That made me feel better. I ate some and made myself a smootie. Yesterday, after the fight, I went back and finished making the dumplings and they turned out AMAZING. I had some left over and I’m waiting for them to defrost now. 

My goals for today are to 

study for the exam 

draw a picture for my wall

not feel like shit

read my current book (which is “Radio SIlence” :D)

clean up my clothes from the floor (threw them there)

I’ll stay in touch. Don’t be too hard on yourself.