secondfuckingguessing - Tumblr blog

[secondfuckingguessing]

Good morning. I wish i could stay in bed today. Take it essy, take it slow for one day. It's supposed to get chilly. Today is a Tuesday, which is very busy. I wish I could stay in. Mother's day was great. I have not been sleeping very well. Last night was better though, but maybe it was just the melatonin. It's so hard to be a crappy sleeper. I'll take it for a while to see if it helps. I dreamt with a lot of people.

Speaking of people, I'm going through a revision lately. I'm specially bothered by stephanie. I'm not sure I like her. Growing up she was the best. Everyone loved her. I thought she was the funniest. But I guess back then she shared more. As soon as we hit puberty, things went different ways. She's not present, nor particularly sensitive. She doesn't seem willing to share anything about her and I'm kinda fed up. Last year we were both in candeias and more than once i was bugged. I felt lonely. It's like a veil lifted. Plus, I feel we have close to nothing in common these days. But this is not exclusive to her. Many people are now being seen through different lenses, and I guess I'm less dependent on them. I'm less likely to keep them around for the sake of having them around. I always thought it was so important to keep these old friends close, but they don't seem to care.

[secondfuckingguessing]

Last night got me agitated before sleep. I started thinking and got the acceleration I know, I just don't know exactly why. I go to bh in 2 days and quite honestly, I'm not that excited anymore. I kinda wanted to be home and cozy and rest, cause next week everything goes back to tiring and hurrying. Also, I really wanted to see f. Back in the day, now I'm not so sure.

It made crazy anxious during the day and i decided to text kinda thinking it probably wouldn't even work out, but we settled on having coffee. Let's see how this one goes. I'm kinda doubting til it happens.

[secondfuckingguessing]

Apr 10th

Dreams i remember: driving to sp ? And realizing Julia's dog was with me? When i got there i met my mother and maria luiza and julia?

Walking with my father on the street and seeing a street cinema.

Being in a house full of glow insects that were wiped away by water. There was also a medical table, like obgyn and the feet moved by themselves which was scary.

Finally, seeing tete somewhere and she was going out with luiza but said i shouldn't come cause it wasn't a place for me whicj made me pissed. I proceeded to talk to her about how egotistical i thought she was by doing this at the only time we were supposed to meet. Then i talked to one of her friends how upset i felt that people seemed to have their own opinion of what i should and shouldn't do, like i wasn't part of the in crowd whatever that meant.

[secondfuckingguessing]

Not April's fool

I feel like so much has changed recently. I feel so different. It's easier to let go. Easier to choose what to focus on. Now the halo effect of last week's concert is gone, but I still feel fine. Not all is lost. Not everyone turned into a drag. Not every friend turned out weird. I had to give up everyone I felt was part of my identity. And yes, I was fun. I wasn't always hurt or had to be judgemental. I have it in me.

Things that used to consume all my thoughts and provoke visceral reactions don't hold as much power over me now. I know better than to let myself go without trying to stop it. It never led me anywhere good anyway. I lost some weight. I'm more accepting of my reality, my flaws and my mistakes. They happened. I've dealt with people who hurt me and that impacted my life a lot over the last decade. Yes. That also made me grow a lot and I'm finally reaching a point where the growth is greater than the resentment. I don't miss those people anymore. I let go of ana quite peacefully, my last strand of thinking i couldn't afford to lose the few friends I had (even though I didn't even identify with them that much anymore). Quite honestly, it didn't change much in my life. It turns out I was putting in all the effort once more. She might not be doing it on purpose,but still. It has been going on for far too long. I was completely shut off from her life. It's quite clear now she's on her trip I knew nothing about. I was silly to think it was my duty to keep the whole thing going while she healed or whatever. She's doing that through other people. I was feeling let down much more often than happy about the relationship. I felt sensitive and judgy and I honestly thought there's something wrong with me. I can't like my friends. I can't accept the way real relationships work. I'm delusional and I should care less. Maybe I'm finally learning what reciprocity means. Bia showed me that. Even though we hadn't seen each other in probably 10 years, it felt more natural than with people I thought I was close with. Am I resenting ana right now? No. But I don't exactly miss her right now either. Our good times, of genuine fun have not been recent. It was becoming this heavy weird friendship with lots of things unsaid and a lack of will to really show up to the friendship. Getting older sucks when you groe in different directions. At least I am growing, i can't say what she's interested in besides pokemon. She seems a bit too passive for my liking.

I'm letting go even of the illusion of f. I'd like to have what we had. I feel more openness in me to live that, but it's not about him. He never made me feel special. He never seemed too committed. He was just going with the flow. I know i have so much to give to someone who shows he really wants to be there, here with me. I just never felt that from him. I'm starting to think he's with someone new. I'm not sure why. If that's the case, I know I'm never seeing him again. He won't make the slightest effort to and it's not like he was even before. I'm not sure I care anymore. I truly feel I deserve better. It's his loss, honestly. I'm not that invested into chasing him just to make things right inside. If he's that big of a loser, I'll let him be.

Also, giovana. I'm not that pisssed, I'm not that hurt. She is kinda phony. She's kind of too invested in her own image, her persona. That's kinda lame, doesn't matter how many international travels she does a year. That's lack of character. Even when she thinks she's saying the right things, it feels empty. She's pretending to be this, but really she's investing in what she feels brings her more value. It's transactional in the end. I don't admire this kind of behavior, she can go fuck herself. It's good to see I'm not that hurt anymore. It's not about me being rejected anymore. These people around me really are more than what i thought previously. I don't exactly like this other side of them. Genuinely. I wouldn't choose them based on that. Julia feels childish in a way. She's deluded by parties and going after what she wants like the world is opening up to her more than 10 years later. Even after I talked to her she refuses to see anyone else than her. Funny that the only person she gave herself to was her ex, and it wasn't a great dynamic either. I wish her luck on her maturing.

I feel less lonely, even though not much has changed. I feel kike bia is someone I could on if I needed. Not exactly a shoulder to cry on, but on practical things. Like if i needed company to get a dress. I don't know why that's the thought that popped into my head. I don't want to be this heavy person always hurt and complaining. I can deal with my own sorrows. I do feel different and I hope it stays and expands and turns into something even greater and more beautiful. I feel less insecure. I feel better. Healing rocks and I'm glad to know there are good people still around, even for me.

I hope this leads me great places and that I bump into good people.

[secondfuckingguessing]

16th march

I had a weird dream. One I forgot, but one I was with erika and I kinda met someone who was nice and cool for a change. It was marcus, but at times not marcus. There was someone else too, but who didn't quite make the same effort to exchange contacts. We were near gradual.

Then I was in candeias and I wanted to take a shower. I went downstairs and there were lots of tables with people as if it was a bar. Also an open shower was there and i had bathing clothes on to take this shower. It was very hot and it started to rain. I went upstairs to get my shampoo and towel. Aujt adriana was in the bathroom I had left them. My mom suddenly picked up them from the box. I was going to wash my hair with sparkling water. Went downstairs again, lots of people had left. There was a talk about some kind of haze or mist, the lot next door was not the hotel, but some hills. There were lots of bunnies supposedly. I remember talking to someone, but not taking the shower. I started worrying about erika, whom I was supposed to meet in santo andre, but i was in candeias. Then there was a photographer registering pietro's birthday. I went upstairs to change into nice clothes to take a picture with him. The clothes I had separated were the green octupus shape long sleeved t-shirt and some jeans. Something I'd wear out of my teenage years, not good enough for the ocasion. I had on all stars with moss green rubber and burgundy canvas and that was it. Woke up with a weird feeling.

[secondfuckingguessing]

11th March

Weird dream. I forgot to pack even though we were leaving for candeias, I was relieved I didn't have to go to work, I had this sort of support figure or maybe s guru idk, who was vishen lakiani but looked nothing like him. He had a girlfriend but then i decided i wanted to have sex with him. Go figure. My alarm went off.

[secondfuckingguessing]

March 7th

Yesterday was not that great. I've been feeling very deflated about work lately. It feels boring. I'm not part of anything important. It feels like I'm a child and will be forever. I'm also kept from the thing I wanted since day one, and it can only be in purpose by now. So it feels very invalidating.

Anyways it was my uncle's birthday and we gathered at night to celebrate. My sister was there, her boyfriend too and of course stefano. As soon as she got there (late as usual), my aunt repeated time and time again that the doorman had announced her and "her spouse" like it was so funny. She went on about how he had seen everyone as kids, and now he sees the "spouses" like it's some kind of trophy you carry around. I have very mixed feelings about masch to begin with.

Most of the time, the conversation fluctuated between stefano's wedding and, of course, being a doctor. Everyone is so fascinated about how hard their lives are, what they are doing, and so on. Working with my uncle and cousin already feels tricky, makes want to see less and not more of them. This was kinda hell. Feels like everything that's important and cherished there is not what I am anyway. I feel invisible most of the time, and it leads me to resent everyone and dream of escaping. Only I don't see how, so I feel suffocated.

[secondfuckingguessing]

So, that's it. The trip to korea. The stop at paris. I mean, I feel stupid and very childish being upset about not knowing any of this, but hey, I used to tell her everything and I was silly thinking it was both ways. Like I usually am. I'm always trying to make sure people are in. That I'm safe. Oh, I need to vent, I'll talk to her. Oh, I'm doing something, I'll talk to her, oh why don't I invite her even though she'll probably say no. Oh, why don't I offer my help to this problem? It's my fault, yet, it sucks. And that's her new best friend and a life I'm not a part of, cause she simply never cared to include me. Yeah, it's her right, and I shouldn't care either if i wasn't so messed in my attachments. I feel like a kid really. I'm envious. I wish I was the coolest one, the one in paris, the one people admire. This sucks, being like that. I feel I'm kinda poisonous and always demanding a lot and getting hurt and being sensitive and maybe people don't like me all that much for that, I wouldn't blame them.

I told her since day one, "Oh, we're planning to go to europe like 8 months from now." I get silence. Even after I brought this subject up, all she could say was, "I'm sorry, I don't even know what to say," and it didn't change anything. It never does, in my experience. The more open about my feelings I am, the more people feel entitled to walk away, which is weird.

I'm not completely shattered this time, though, which is kinda nice if I force myself to look at that angle. That must mean some progress. I'm kinda letting go even though it still affects me, but it's way less intense. I made peace with the judging part and I guess it's fine to understand what it is doing, actually trying to protect me by thinking she's a bitch sometimes, and her mother dying has nothing to do with the fact she chose to pull away. She chose that. That's what gets me, maybe. She had the choice, and that's her decision. She's investing in other people like I don't matter, and I really dont. I'm the one to have to keep these people around me, and try harder to make things better when they let me down, so I'm making them important, but maybe they aren't. Maybe they frustrate me cause it just gives me so much work and no rewards. In the end she found someone who offered her more (plane tickets) and that's great for her, and now she's putting her energy there. I shouldn't make her so important. It's been bugging me for ages actually, we're in different places. I'm reaching for getting better at something everyday, she's negative and pessimist and unmoved and not willing to try. I don't wanna be stuck there. I can't take her to paris either. If I detach from my emotions, I think it's great she found a friend that can give her something nice after everything she went through, I do. Unfortunately, it sucks for my side of things.

It's fine, I'm slowly learning I don't need her or anyone else. I'll survive. I'll move on eventually. I can do things by myself. I don't always have to compromise to keep people around. Have a nice trip, you phony friend.

[secondfuckingguessing]

This is day 2 of classes and it's an all nighter for me. I don't really understand it, since I'm not feeling anxious. I just couldn't sleep and even meds didn't help me, which is a bit scary tbh.

Work is making me feel constrained and ive been thiking a lot about how it would be like if i just quit. I'm just too afraid i can't find a new job and I'll make less money since my last promotion. I just feel very unmotivated and lacking purpose. Plus, being there means I have to give up other things that are not work related either. It all sucks. I feel I need more room for expansion, not this constriction. It's suffocating. I wish i had at least more freedom.

[secondfuckingguessing]

26th feb

Woke up in the middle of the night and it was a rough one. Took me hours and some kava to eventually drift off again. First time I woke up, though, I dreamt I was probably at the end of high school, and I was moving to sjdr. Why? I don't know. Tete was moving out to bh, ut had something to do with being closer to bh, but i don't know. I remember wanting to talk to her so she didn't move yet (last time around we were supposed to kive in bh but she went to sjdr instead). Weird.

Second dream, i was in a bus, it was morning and i realized i was arriving at bh. It was very confusing though, since I didn't know why I was there. I didn't remember traveling. After all I realized that was a dream inside a dream. I remember jacs and my father and snacks to take to work.

Then finally, a there were flases of work. And the start of the school year. People gathered waiting for class. I saw julia from afar wearing sunglasses but I didn't go meet her. Aunt mirna was there too, talking about people she thought were important and whom i didn't know. Nando reis was sitting in a corner looking judgy at me.

It was all very weird, I woke up tired, and when I got to work, what a surprise: winny is back.

This is starting to look like a bad bad joke.

[secondfuckingguessing]

What i dreamt after the mental video technique

I visualized myself terribly bored at work, then myself working from home and feeling happy and relieved and fulfilled and also myself working from my desk at my aunt's and going out at night with my friends. This is what I dreamed, as far as I remember: masturbating in front of a mirror. Being on a plane, but the plane needing to gather some ricotta cheese along the way.

Very enlightening.

[secondfuckingguessing]

Dreamed with a bunch of exchange students. Two girls and a boy. Candeias. Gift wrapping paper. Speaking english. I almost bought a b9ok, or maybe I did.

Slept again. Some airplane content I didn't get, then a huge birthday party for me. It was on the street, in casa branca. Lots of people. I think nathalia organized it. I went home to get something to drink since i dropped my caipirinha and it was weird. Ana was with me at this point i think. The light was very dark and yellow. In the fridge there were lots of soy sauce and some packs of the drink ice. The Doors were unlocked, which made me suspicious, but my father was outside the whole time so maybe it was him. Then I woke up feeling weird, cause that party would've been impossible.

[secondfuckingguessing]

11th feb

It's sunday, it's carnival and i am home doing nothing at all. Julia messaged me yesterday or the day before, but i don't want to go to any parade on sao paulo. I still don't want to go out with her either, and i don't feel I'd have enjoyed anything she proposed. Priscila mentioned some weeks prior that we should go, but whatever she says, you shouldn't take it too seriously. She's been MIA. Ana said she was going to her family's, but I'm not sure she was just going for an excuse cause I know she tends not to be fully disclosed on her answers. All in all, I'm pensive, but not extremely upset. I'm most affected by the fact that I could've gone to bh since we're not working for the first time ever, but instead, it was decided last minute, so here I am. I was mostly interested in being in bh so that i could see f, but that's a fucking fantasy on my part. He wouldn't have cared. I wasn't going to get to correct things and have my romance and move on from this stuckness. Anyway, I'm not getting the chance to spend a few days there once my classes start, so it's a lost opportunity. I go there in a rush on weekends cause it's what I can manage to do, not what I enjoy.

I had dreams. I was in candeias in a big table with ana paula and old trevo colleagues and I was regretting the fact I had to take the bus the next day to go back home and be alone. Been there, done that. On a weirder note, the front yard on my grandma's was covered in a slice of slice which allowed me to ice skate there. I was great at it. Then it melted suddenly and nothing was left, but it was nice. I so wish I knew what this ice skating thing means.

[secondfuckingguessing]

9th feb

I had a dream in three parts.

First, weirdly enough, i was at disney world. It was a weird kinda decript place, but that was it. We were just walking around it, not paying for the attractions. I think there was me, my sister and luiza, my mom and aunt mirna. We sat somewhere to have lunch, and I'm not sure anymore it was disney still. Then i remember being in candeias, and it was one of those weird dreams in which i think I'm blind. I could only see through my left eye, although I saw with the right after looking with the left. I got my vision back just fine at the end. Somewhere along it, we were in a place where there was a woman talking about shrimp and how to clean it. She mentioned some rune? And the shell had to come out whole. I think halu was there for while getting to the shrimp lady, and she said unfortunately, whoever didn't some disease i can't recall was gonna end up with hepatitis, there was no running from it. Finally, I was in bh, and after some debate in which i said i was going to have dinner by myself or maybe my sister and luiza and i even thought about a restaurant that doesn't exist in real life but I've dreamt about before but then I decided to try f. I had to find my phone to send him a message on Instagram but i only found my old one and then after much hard work i found the other one and couldn't find instagram and it was big and complicated, my fingers seemed to have a will of their own. I found the contact of his number and even though I'm pretty sure i had it under "antichrist" in real life, in the dream it read "all i want" but as he deleted my whatsapp contact it had to be Instagram. I managed to send him the message asking if he was busy and whether he'd like to grab dinner, but ready not to get an answer in time then I woke up.

[secondfuckingguessing]

January 7th, 2024

It's Sunday morning, but rain's not falling. Once more this week I dreamt I was in candeias, it was probably new year's eve and i was staying at a different house further up the street, further than tia delfina's. It was small and rather dark. Maybe it was aunt ana's. I was on a mission to find fabiano. He lived next door. My attempts had not worked that far. I decided I'd try my luck and just stay outside until he came back home from work. It was either that or waiting until I went to bh. So, I left for my grandma's with the intention of getting hannah to take a walk around his house until he appeared. There were some cute guys outside the door. I ran into uncle alan on the way but made it home. There as I walked past the kitchen there was a guy talking to my grandma, who looked like flavio carrilho. I didn't stop, went straight downstairs to get the dog. At the door there was a spider web that crossed the doorknob, but I rrachrd for it anyway as it's usually just a fine line. This time though, the whole thing was in my arm. I could feel a prickling were the lines touched my arm, and when I looked at it, I saw the spider there, really close to my arm. I tried to pull my arm, but it wouldn't move. I was afraid it was going to bite me. I didn't know what to do. Then, I woke up.

[secondfuckingguessing]

Nov 1st

Last night I discovered in a lecture that I have dreams about the mortificatio operation every now and then. I confess I felt kind of scared about it and kept wondering what was it about. So now I dreamt a dream I hadn't had for a while, but it had JP in it and the whole being there but being inaccessible. I don't think I even try most of the time. I just wonder if I might get a glimpse of him. There was also this element of being on the outside at other moments of the dream, not partaking in whatever activity everyone was.

Now I wonder if the mortificatio gas anything to do this, being left out and being ignored by someone I used to be in love with.

[secondfuckingguessing]

Oct 27th

I was thinking why the hell do I always worry I might get sick out of the blue with something serious. Even as a kid i worried a minor pain could be heart related. Why, why would I brace myself and scan my body all the time trying to detect the first signs of malfunction?

Today I discussed the possibility of my anxiety being disease oriented due to what happened when my sister came home. I was sick. Maybe i was scared. Maybe I got scared because I did not get nurturing from my mother as I cried and she didn't attend to it. Maybe I felt afraid I might die unnatended, abandoned. Maybe I felt I had no support.

I thought of something el. Maybe the unpredictability of what to find has a role in it. All of a sudden I was rejected. All of a sudden another baby got what I needed at that moment. It came out of nowhere. Maybe if I could detect something like that happening sooner I could've been better prepared. Maybe I'm still trying to protect myself, by being hypervigilant, scared something might happen out of the blue.