secondfuckingguessing

[secondfuckingguessing]

Weird post Sunday easter dream

It started in the office. There were more people, recently hired. They were being introduced in a weird way, like it was a game show or something. Before that my father was complaining with my mother about something she was doing there, i think it hsd to do with guioza.

He complained about men and women and their roles being inverted. After the show, a chinese dragon showed up, but it was supposed to go the other way around. After it was all over, my father was talking to my uncle about it being unnecessary and he said it was for poços. I thought I wasn't being part of anything, but I liked it having more people.

PriscilA. Icex. mackenzie. Sitting somewhere to talk. Car pointing at us with thepsycho priest.

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2903

It's the eclipse day.

And indeed my dreams seem to be more correlated to the past than the ones I am currently having. Themes of abandonment and being alone.

As far as I remember, two different dreams happened. First, it was Dawson. He made a move, tried to kiss me, kissed below my clavicule snd although I kinda enjoyed the physicality of it, I begged him to stop and he did and left like he liked me but couldn't put up with me and being rejected anymore. An estrangement was likely to follow suit and I pondered about reaching out and saying I was sorry things got weird and even wondered if i shouldn't just give in.

2nd part was bh, being with friends outside a simple bar with street tables. I went inside at some point and everyone had left.

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Had a dream he kissed me. It was fun. Played some csrds yesterday though and the result was that i have to give it up. I always have to give up btw. Then i dreamed with a lot of airplanes. Lots of minor accidents. My fsther was buying a car.

I just wanted to be kissed i guess, but i can't apparently.

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Feb 1st, 2025

I saw him today and two main things were quite clear:

1- He looked great. It was lovely, and familiar and he spoke a lot about himself. It lasted longer than I thought it would. At one point we were talking about attending weddings, and he said that if he got married, then something I don't remember, but what I thought is that he should get married to me. It really makes me wonder about what it could've been if only the timing wasn't so off when we met and that sort of brings me to the second point

2- I don't feel too aggravated by the situation in any means, but it is sad to think that should be me. It makes me sad I never stood a real chance. It makes me sad I'm always set for heartbreak. I wasn't missed. I wasn't chased. He keeps choosing people over and over again, and maybe I never mattered anyway. But he looks good and familiar and I really wanted to touch, to reach out and be loved by him. Instead, I sat and smiled, laughed and listened to him throw the name of his current girlfriend every now and then into the conversation.

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Everyone says you should love yourself first and stop waiting for somebody else's love, but then what? Shouldn't I deserve to be loved? Should I not be allowed to experience love from another human being? I want to be loved! I love myself too

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I had forgotten how ashamed, inadequate and wrong I felt as a pre teen and teen. I was ashamed of being seen.

I was scared as a child of being seen. It often happened when i was in trouble. As a really young child I probably felt unseen and left out.

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When i was younger, i was smitten with other people's lives. I wanted to live someone else's life. I emulated stephanie. She seemed to have fun. I hadn't noticed she doesn't seem to able to open up, at least to me, so i always thought she was having the time of her life and of course everyone liked her. I tried to be like her.

I trusted everyone and thought they didn't like me, and there must be something wrong with me. But being alone really scared me, so i liked anyone, including these girls I've pulled away from this year.

I dreamt of jp last night, after a long while. Always rhe same. Trying to be noticed, but unable to meet him.

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If I'm being honest, i may have never truly liked julia or giovana. Or maybe I have, at first. I used to be way more insecure and probably nicer too. Arrogance probably grew on me along the way, and I just don't think they're interesting or complex as human beings as I am. So, today, when I heard from my therapist that julia changed a lot, it made me kinda angry. There's a visceral reaction here, and I can't help but think that I may hate her. Maybe I really hoped she'd be the person she was. Lackluster. Uninteresting. I don't think she's very interesting in all truth, not from what I see her posting about. Crossfit, walking with her dog, running and going to parties. Parties with bad music. In my conception, that's lame. It's the kind of person I used to make fun of, not admire. And she was a jerk to me, yeah. So, she's changing? I don't even care. In all honesty, I dislike her a bit, as I do ana, giovana and everyone else i know. If i dislike everyone, what do I do? I don't know.

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It seems like ages ago that I knew what was going on in someone else's life.

I might miss it, but I finally learned to treat people the way they treat me.

Today I had ryan reply to my comment. My teenage self would be freaking out. Being an adult has its downsides.

Yesterday I thought I was in love with fabiano. It has been fun talking to him, not gonna lie. It made me happy. I kinda think he's cute now. But I'm just so happy I'm not that stuck this time around. Today, I'm kinda whatever. Lack creates craving, and it sucks. I want to crave better things. Things that make me happy for staying.

Next year, I want to work on myself without pain.

I had a therapy session today, and i didn't come even close to what I wanted to say. Truth is, I'm not sure how helpful it's been. I just enjoy talking and I don't have anywhere else to talk deeply about myself. The insights though, i get them myself.

I am a cool, decent person. I am. I'm loyal. I'm attentive. I can be witty. I can be deep. I'm curious. I'm silly. I'm loving. I deserve so much more than I'm getting in the relationship front. My friends suck. I call them friends by force of habit. I deserve people that don't make me resent them.

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Gus

You hated this nickname, so I'll make sure to refer to you by that. I've known you to be toxic for a long time, but I always focus on blaming myself for probably being too, even though I always tried to be honest. You, on the other hand always ignored me, as if my feelings actually were not important. All that mattered was that you loved me so you tried snd tried. You should have walked away. You should have turned for other people for support, not MY friends. The worst part was that you achieved what you wanted. You got their sympathy. You took everything I had. You made me feel bad about myself. You made me feel like I was to blame for having pleasure. You made me believe love hurts, manipulates, and takes things away. You got my friends, all the support i thought i had, you made me feel guilty, you painted me as a monster. Why? Because you loved me? Because you wanted me for yourself? I loved someone else. Someone else who also didn't want me.

What have I been since? Lonely. Invisible. Sad. Closed. I feel so unworthy. I feel like love hurts. It screwed my chances with fabiano. I feel no one is going to love me, and even if they did, it would only hurt me, I'd feel guilty, i would question everything i did and said.

I feel so mad. You didn't have the right to. You destroyed me, and you got away with it.

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It's weird how hard the last couple of weeks have been. I went through intense grief. So much I think I finally understood that I need to give up. Still, when I look back I have come such a long way. Things may not seem great right now, seeing where the sore spots are, but seriously, I feel so different than just a year ago. I'm gonna continue growing and healing and maybe make some things better for myself, but I've made a huge effort already.

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Happy birthday

I know your birthday is tomorrow, but it doesn't matter, I'm not wishing you a happy birthday this year.

Maybe you're happy, maybe you're not, but after yet another bout of grief, I decided I don't care anymore. Your choice, your problem. I was always there for you, but in truth, you were there only for as long as you got what you wanted. I give up trying to prove my worth.

I'm trying to change things. I'm not wishing you a happy birthday. I'm not seeing your stories. I don't care about your girlfriend. I don't care about you. Happy birthday! You kinda suck.

[secondfuckingguessing]

Late night musings from a hotel in a new city I've been before

Why is it that every time I'm in a new place, I suddenly feel more open (and sad) about having a relationship?

Fear would be the easy answer, but I think it's the wrong one. I'm less fearful. But way more sad cause it leads me back to the past and thinking I could have made it, if only I wasn't so afraid. John mayer comforts me at these times. He seems to have a hard time letting go as well. I myself have grieved this past almost-relationship 3 times already. He's had 3 relationships in the meantime. I bet he never even looked back. Then I catch myself thinking and feeling oh imagine how great it must be to feel in love and receive love, two things I seem to have lost the ability to do. Most people find it. I think of John Mayer and how brave he actually is for writing stuff like "what about this feeling that I'm never good enough, will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?". Just think about it. I'm a nobody, nobody anyone cares about me, and I could never write anything like that next to my name in case anyone sees it. I actually think it's quite endearing being transparent and able to talk openly about your feelings, but vulnerability has led me to weird places like being really let down and even losing friends. They probably weren't great friends in the first place, but anyway, this is not a fun experience and it has only fuled this deep longing.

Maybe, just maybe, all the anguish I've felt since I was too young to actually understand this thing that has been simply labeled as anxiety is just this deep-rooted longing and emptiness. This feeling that there's always someone more worthy. Like a new baby getting home at the same time you're sick and being left to my own devices in sheer desperation and pain of being abandoned and cut off, even though it was only for a couple of hours, or days, but from the person that means the most when you are a two year old. Maybe that's why when night fell and it was dark, I became desperate and couldn't sleep. As soon as the lights go out, you are alone in the dark. Maybe I wouldn't sleep so I wouldn't be abandoned again.

And why on earth every hotel has to have lights that twinkle all of a sudden after you turn them off? More importantly, will this ever go away? Will I ever be able to be in love someday again with someone who is in love with me too? Will I ever be in a hotel room somewhere new feeling at peace?

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I had the weirdest dream, I dreamt of magalhaes and his son.

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Sept 29

Hold tight to the good moments. To the people you know like you. Don't let your faith waiver just because you saw someone else supposedly having fun. They're not having a better time than you. Even if they are, who cares? You only worry about it cause you're seeing it on social media. It's nothing you should worry about.

Believe the basic bitch she is. Always was, always will be. Why did I expect anything different than that? To be treated differently. Why did I believe I was above it all?

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Lovely day spent with friends at dani's wedding.

Many miles from here, my friends from other places are going out with other people. They never invite me. They remember me when they need me, though.

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Deeam

Ran into tia jacque and uncle rifardo in a store in bh. Aunt carolina and unvmcl3 rinakdo were there outside the store, i went there to kill soke time byt i was in underpants and it a whole. Tete was outside then and commented on my bold look.

There was a concert and there was a flight.

I was in class and arielle and lais and bia and then even bia barros were there. I told lais it was a lie that they say you get what you give xause i always got nothing. Arielle (was she?) offered drugs and i said i didn't want it. Then i wanted to try it, but it looked like chopped feesh green onions. I saw the answers for the the stuff that was being shown. And that was it. Bia left before the class ended. Bia barros was outside at a garden