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I dreamt of my mom, battling with her disease all over again. She loses her eyesight in my dream. It sucks. It feels like it's real. I woke up crying in the middle of the night.
Can't I just dream happy memories with my mom? I don't wanna be haunted with her disease all over again. Fuck cancer.
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I dreamt of my mom today in my afternoon nap. I miss her badly. I hugged her and kissed her on the cheek. Then teased her, she looks really thin that she looks like she came from surgery or the hospital. She just smiled and maligo na raw ako.
Aydana ma. I miss you so much. Haven't dreamt of you for a while. See you soon. I love you!!!
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2020 was the worst year of mine. 2021 could be better but it's next to the worst 2020 so I don't know if things will just go downhill. Never uphill.
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I spent the first minute of this fucking 2021 crying. It was just a fucking sentence. And it fucked me up. Coming from the person I trust that I shouldn't. Tangina. Am I so sensitive or he's just a fucking jerk for being an ass. Idk. Makes me think like I'm not doing good at all. Gods. This year was too much all in all. I don't even know how I lived through it. Fuck you ping.
Tangina. I can't calm myself. My breathing is too heavy to even live.
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My mind can't stop thinking. I'm way way too anxious rn. My heart beat isn't going down either. Wth is going on with me. I'm hopeless.
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This is the worst Christmas I ever had. Most of the time my Christmas or Holidays are bearable. I'm not a Holiday Person but it's extra lonely this time. I don't know how long I'll grief but my mental health isn't that good anymore. I'm fucking affected with a lot of things that I shouldn't care. My anxiety is killing me. I'm sleepy 'cause I'm tired with all the cooking and stuff but my brain just don't wanna sleep. ☺
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I dreamt of my mom. Hugging me while I'm telling my stories to her. I'm in med school in my dream and I saw her oncologist teaching in my class and telling her story as an example case. When I got home, I told my mom about it and I cried. Maybe I'm slowly accepting that she's gone and I can't bring her back anymore, even in my dreams.
One of the major factor of this episode is my mom. Can't handle my feelings and emotions properly when she passed away. Like everything fucked up suddenly. Idk.
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Some people don't really understand that humans have defense mechanism to go by. Like for myself, I joke a lot and laugh for a while. But when I'm alone, my mind gets so messed up. Not everything you see is real.
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Days come that I don't feel anything at all. I force myself to cry when those time come yet I'll still feel nothing. So I'll just sleep those days off. Just to get by, hoping tomorrow will be better than those days.
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I created this just to keep record of my thoughts in one of my severe episode for the past years.
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