secret-agent-fella-blog

[secret-agent-fella-blog]

Life is such a weird thing in the eyes of a human.

I say specifically in the eyes of a human, because outside of them life seems to be plain neutral. Doesn't matter if around you there is joy or grief, laughter or cries. Outside of the feeling eyes, it matters not.

The Sun will rise and set again, until it won't of course, but that doesn't matter to the cold mysterious life, or I suppose "existence" is a better word for it. From a view that doesn't see life through our living eyes, It's just something that's happening, that's it, no interpretation to be had here.

But when you look upon it from the only possible view that you can, the only one you have. Without the unneeded planning and speculation of trying to see the entirety of existence, through what cannot possibly be comprehended to its fullest extent. Yes, when you look at it from our eyes, only then does Life become this wonderfully poetic and colorful thing.

Because at the end of the day its our eyes, our perspective and all of our previous experiences, they make the thing you see before you now. All of this would not be this, if you saw it from outside.

And within our view of life, we have waves. Waves that direct our mood, sometimes they go high up and we feel good, enjoying the current moment.

But what is far more interesting to me is when you are on the low end of the waves. Why is the brain wired in such a way, that even when there is joy around me, when there is laughter, love and appreciation. Why despite it all, do i feel down?

I feel like i am in a glass box, seeing the light and hearing the song, but it's all muffled, it does not go into my soul and i feel that i am not a part of it, despite the fact that if you see it from outside the eyes of a human, i am.

It is tiring, frustrating even. To be surrounded by all the goods and company my younger self craved and begged for before going to sleep, holding back the tears from these damned human eyes. To be surrounded by all this, and not be able to cherish it emotionally.

And i know, i know that this is just part of the wave, its temporary. I will not feel this way forever, though i will no doubt feel this again.

However i just hope that i begin to feel the life around me again, before the circumstances around me change for a sadder time. I've heard the stories countless times, of ones who did not cherish what they had before they lost it.

But the ones that understand what joy they are going through logically but not being able to feel it emotionally. Those experiences are far more tragic to me.

I suppose this feeling is a sign that i am not where i am meant to be, or maybe who i am meant to be.

Which is also frustrating, why does the person i needed as child, the person i spent so much time trying to become, not fulfill me?

Is it because i am not that person? Am i just an imitation, doomed to never truly fulfill that role to the friends and other loved ones around me? Have i been a good presence, would they be better off without me?

And amazingly, none of these thoughts matter in the grand existence outside the eyes. How? These things that keep me up at night, these fears and this current state of "grey nothing" i go through, do not matter outside the eyes. But inside, which is where i am, its all i think about. its my world.

It is kinda neat in a way.