secret-hidden-feelings

[secret-hidden-feelings]

You do this everytime, how stupid could I have been to believe we could be okay. That I could laugh with you and talk with you like we have moved past it all.

How could I believe that this time would be different, that you wouldn’t just go back to being a stranger again, how could I believe in something that we’ll never be able to fix. How could you leave me again, why do you hurt me like this Brandon.

Why do you break my heart over and over again. What did I do to deserve this pain you give me over and over again.

I will always love you more than you will ever love me. That’s facts.

[secret-hidden-feelings]

I saw you today, but I couldn’t look at you.

You came to say hi to your friend who was sitting in front of me basically and my heart dropped and my stomach kept turning inside out. I wanted to see your face again, i wanted to look at you but I knew if I looked I’d just be mush all over again.

I knew you’ve changed your hair, I saw that you have braids again and I know you look good with those type of braids but I couldn’t look. If I looked at you then I wouldn’t get you out of my head and even though I didn’t look at you I still can’t get you out of my fucking head. You are my weakness, even when there has been others you just make my stomach turn, you make it sink and my heart race faster than ever.

I wish I could talk to you, I wish we could be civil because you made work easier for me. You made it easy to be at work when we’re both in.

I only hope you’re doing better because clearly you’re not working a full day at the current moment.

[secret-hidden-feelings]

“I hope that one day someone will make flowers grow in even the saddest parts of you.”

— vacants

[secret-hidden-feelings]

You’ve been gone for a while at work, I never see you in the office and I sometimes just hope to say hi to you but I don’t know where you’ve been. I still dream of you and what could’ve been sometimes, I hope and pray you’re okay. When I wake up I obviously realise life is how it’s meant to be and that all that is a dream of what could have or should have been if we were perfect.

But you didn’t love me for me, you loved the idea of who I could’ve or should’ve been for you. I miss you and I miss the fun we had and the friendship I had with you. I miss your family and your mums cooking, I go to Springvale just to get it. I can never find those noodles your mum or dad makes either. You were the perfect lesson and I always think and talk about you with my girls. Nothing ever bad in fact, it’s all good.

One day I hope you find your perfect girl and one day I’ll be so happy for you even if it internally breaks my heart because you deserve to find love again. You deserve to have someone fix the heart that’s been broke over and over again.

[secret-hidden-feelings]

I just hope you’re doing okay, because everyday I wonder about you.

I really tried to believe in my last relationship, no I convinced myself I did not love you. But in a perfect world, if we didn’t fight soo much. If you just loved me for my flaws and for who I was. I’d pick you. I pick you now, but you hurt me. You leave me and you neglect me when I really tried to give you my all.

[secret-hidden-feelings]

B

This page of mine is quite a mess, it's kind of like how my mind has been for so long. When I was going through my last break up I really thought I was still going to be heart broken now, but I moved on for me. I was in a relationship with someone who wasn't dating me to marry me and you know what it truly was an eye opener to a lot of things I neglected in regard to myself.

Im here today because I want to let my thoughts out about you, B. I'm here because you drive me insane every moment of the day and when you wanna talk to me you drive me up the wall because you annoy me. You spam my phone, you do and say anything to annoy me. You block me and then unblock me and yet here I am. STILL WANTING YOU.

I was watching a movie, its called after everything. It's a series, im assuming it's from a book because there have been many. In this movie there is a character called Hardin. Hardin, is loving but possessive. He falls in love with Tessa and they are constantly on and off. They live together at one point and they have amazing chemistry. Hardin however has a drinking problem which had caused him to be quite jealous and do stupid things. He hurt Tessa, Tessa hurt him. They moved away from each other however in the end they always always fall back in each others lives. Their lives crossed. I couldn't help but think of you, in fact I've been thinking of you for days and quite frankly it's driving me insane. Every god damn forsaken memory is you for the last 7 years of me knowing you. you somehow, somewhere pop up. If you're not popping up then im thinking of you and missing you. Im crying over you, we have definitely had our downs and we have fought and said hurtful things to each other.

But you make me weak, you make me feel like I can't breathe and when im around you I just want you to come up and kiss me and hold me. I couldn't even care less if its at work, I just wanted that. I tried to come up and surprise you, I was in lingerie. I felt embarrassed because usually when I come surprise you, you open the door. This time you didn't and my heart broke. I miss you and hearing your voice just makes me miss you more. When I dont hear your voice I crave it and Im driving myself insane.

I guess I really did think one day we'd end up together and married whether It was up and down or not. I wanted kids and a future with you I just wanted to work on me first so I could be the best version of me for me.

[secret-hidden-feelings]

[secret-hidden-feelings]

I miss you

Todays no special day, it’s not a special date or anything.

I just missed you, I woke up and I dreamt about you last night. I dreamt that you messaged me and missed me, but who am I kidding. I know it’s so normal to miss you and it’s so normal to feel the way I do. But I just woke up this morning missing your voice, I find myself saying things like how we would talk. I find myself saying no the way we say no to each other and talking the way I would with you.

I just wish you never hurt me the way you did, because I really miss my best friend and I wish I could call you and talk to you. You’re all I have known for a year and a half, you were the person who I would go to when things were wrong or when I was sad. You really destroyed me, you lied and cheated and broke me.

it’s going to take so much time to heal because I honestly thought I would never be able to break again. I had tons of love to give and now I’m not even affectionate anymore. I’m just in my bubble and hurt and everyday I miss you more. I hope one day I really stop missing because I want to stop loving you sooner rather than later.

[secret-hidden-feelings]

“My only relationship goal is to be with a person who motivates me to become a great person and tells me the potential I don’t see in myself.”

— Unknown

[secret-hidden-feelings]

I fell for you, I loved every single part of you good and bad and you were the person that I want to call when there's something new or bad going on in my life. You were my best friend, my whole world and you were my future. I could only see you and you hurt me. If you think I dont know what you've done to me, I do. I have had a whole month and a half to play back the last year and a half of my life over and over again. I have obsessed over the fact that you have moved on and I was so angry at you up until yesterday. Yesterday my friend made me realise you cannot control people and you cannot force people to be there all the time or push them to give you what you want when you want it. I can't keep hassling you to give you my stuff back because you're petty and you know how much it means to me. You will do what you can to keep hurting me and that is something that'll hurt me. they said what's happened has happened, it is what it is. You probably feel like I hurt you, by 'trying' to ruin your little new relationship little do you know I was trying to help her from being manipulated by you. I was a little too late though and I wish I knew more things before messaging her out of hurt and anger. You claim to have loved me, yet you don't cheat on people you love and lie about it. I came clean to you when I messaged my ex because I felt bad, I told you I messaged him saying I missed him. I loved you enough to tell you what I was doing wrong in our relationship. You don't go missing for hours and hours on end when you go out and think it's okay. You don't deceive the person you love because even when its wrong its better the truth is told before being found out later. Even when you got caught out, you called me a piece of shit because what.. you got caught and you didn't think you would. Honestly I was fuming when I found out from Vikki.. I was so angry because obviously everyone knew something I did not. I was being cheated by everyone around you and you were making me out to be some crazy ex girlfriend.

Although, you know what I've learnt that was overtime since our break up, you were the best liar I ever dated, you would project your insecurities on me because of what you were doing. I wasn't perfect, I am flawed but I really did give you my 100% more than I have given anyone else. there were others who deserved it more than you ever did. you thought you could conquer me and buy my love. love isn't to be bought. The fancy restaurants were nice, the living together was great we excelled there, but you were still able to lie and hide things from me. The expensive gifts and designer stuff was nice. Thats not why I loved you and if you thought thats what bought my love, you are so daft and a joke. I know so many more things than you think I know and I bet you thought I would never find out but thats okay. I will always love what we had. Once upon a time you were the person I truly loved and I loved you with everything I had. we hurt each other and you were just as narcissistic as the people you surrounded yourself with. One day I hope you look back and really see I wanted what was best for you, I wanted you to stop hanging around certain people because you had potential to be a really good person. However, maturing comes with growth and time.

Hopefully when we cross paths one day, I won't hate what you did to me, because you left me with more than just a broken heart. You put me back together and broke into a billion more pieces than what it originally was. You shattered it and you stepped on it to break it into tiny tiny pieces. The person putting it back together now, is me.

so thank you for allowing me to find this time to grow and be the better version of myself. I was broken then and im broken now, but I won't be broken for long.

[secret-hidden-feelings]

You accused me of cheating on you, when it was all you from the beginning. You hurt me and you did something you promise you would never do. You said you’d leave before you cheated yet that was a lie.

you moved on quicker even after saying I would be the one to move on. You were lying and hurting me for what reason. You told me that there was no one and she was no one and shit talking her behind her back yet doing the exact same thing about me to her. Dragging my name through the mud when all I did was fucking love you.

I only pray for your downfall from here and I hope you get hurt the way you have torn me apart. Because you promised me the world to only break me down after I was building myself to be better. you only wanted me to wait 6 months incase things didn’t work out with her, I’m not a second option.

I should’ve been your first and if not your first then not an option at all. I genuinely haven’t hated anyone but I hate you. I hate you for the lies. I hate you for deceiving me. I hate you for making me feel like I was nothing

[secret-hidden-feelings]

so that's it huh? that's our story. We talked a little, talked a lot more, caught feelings and fell in love. We made plans for the future and then suddenly everything we did, everything we had and all that we could've been turns into nothing. We're total strangers now. People be asking me what did you really lose, you lost someone who invalidated your feelings, gaslit you, who went out and would come home at 10am in the morning, 8am in the morning. There was never any accountability. What they dont see was the memories we made, that I was willing to overlook these things because I hoped it would change in time as you grew older. Yes there was dates, yes there was so much affection, yes there was much more laughter in this relationship than my last. But there were so many times I felt alone, even when you were right there. Even when you were laying right next to me, I should've noticed the changes. I am at my worst at the moment, I am drowning in my sorrows and when you were at your worst I didn't leave. you may think I was trying to rizz other guys up, I wasn't. I learnt that I couldn't have new friends because it made you feel insecure, so I stopped. I focused on you and trying to make you understand that I went through something so difficult, I eventually gave up trying to convince you.

I hope one day, you see what happened. I hope one day you remember the time we were in Adelaide and you backed me up against the fence and I screamed someone else's name out. not because I was in love with them, not because I wanted them but because of trauma. I tried to bury it for sooo long, I tried to just pretend this didnt happen to me again. I tried to leave it but you wouldnt let it go. So I explained, but you didn't see the side that happened to me.

So I am slowly yet surely trying to heal myself, to allow myself to not feel that lump in my throat each day. One day, I will no longer wake up with the thought of calling you first thing in the morning. One day I will no longer feel the pain I feel of dealing with this all on my own. I hope one day, there's so much more to me than just you. Because you may not know, but you became my whole world and you were a big part of who I am today. I would not have made it this far without your support at the start and the constant kick up the bum. I hope one day I can be stable and the woman I wanted to always be.

[secret-hidden-feelings]

You were my favourite good morning, my favourite goodnight, my favourite kiss, my favourite hug, my favourite hello but you were my hardest goodbye. You were the person I cherished and finally gave me 100%, you were all in. I was scared when I met you and I wish I was more ready then because I would still have you. I wasn't ready to be in a relationship but then I fell in love with you once I really opened up and got to know you. You were the best person to cuddle to sleep, I always slept so peacefully with you more than anyone else. It was the happiest I was when I was with you. The hardest thing was moving back home because when I cried I was crying mainly because I would hardly get to sleep next to you anymore. It would be harder to see you and I knew from there I would probably lose you. You were my home. My best friend and my whole world. Losing you has got to be the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life because I not only lost the love of my life. I lost my best friend, I lost the person I knew everything about every moment of the day and it hurts so much. It physically hurts my heart and I feel like it's gone. My heart is empty, my world is empty. You were the person who made me laugh more than anyone else in this world, I get flashbacks everyday of just little memories we had. My favourite memory will be the day we were together at our spot and both of our parents were calling us asking where we were but we didn't want to leave each other and we used the excuse of being too tired to drive home to stay together. We woke up in the car that morning to so many people walking on the beach, we felt so homeless. brushed our teeth from the one toothbrush and hung out at the beach together that day too after not showering or anything. You were so weird and retarded, I loved holding your hand because you made me safe. You always had my back and I have never ever felt so much more alone. I really fell in love with you, so deeply that I fought for us everyday and I will continue to fight for you till I have no fight in me left. I cry everyday for you, I remember I wrote about how I felt about sex, the 3rd person was you. You were my person, that person who was passionate, who loved every part of my body and appreciated no matter how much weight I gained. You would smell me like a weirdo every time you'd see me because of my smell. You'd even smell my armpits after I'd been sweating all day and tell me I didn't smell bad when I knew I did.

You cooked for me and when I was sad or had my bad days. You picked up the pieces all the time. I grew an attachment to you when I didn't want to be attached. You told me I could be clingy and I can be the way I am, that you dont care. You are and were my best friend and losing you has made me realise that I love you. I'm not obsessed with you like I was with other people I dated.

I know I hid things from you, but I'm not perfect. You lied and hid things from me which made me a little crazy and not trust you. You weren't perfect. We weren't and aren't perfect but I did truly believe that we were perfect together. If we communicated more and talked things out.

I hid trauma from you because im still yet to deal with it myself, I just needed you to see what happened. I didn't cheat on you and I wish you'd understand what trauma over and over again does to a person. I am going to work on it. You don’t need to believe me and I am not going to sit here trying to make you face this with me or prove this to you over and over again because I haven’t even allowed myself to face it myself. I am not saying all this to you to get you back whether you believe it or not. I have so much to work on myself that I see. However, I just wanted you to see and understand what trauma does to a person, I told you because I was hoping you’d understand how I deal with things. Because of something that happened to me as a kid and how I dealt with it is exactly how I dealt with that situation.

you will forever be my hardest goodbye and I wish our paths do cross again because I dont want to do this thing called life without you.

[secret-hidden-feelings]

Sex

what is sex to me, well there's three different types of sex that I've had in my life. The first one happened when I was young, it was meant to be something special and intimate. It just happened, literally was meant to be the best day of my life and I just bled for hours. We weren't even sure whether I got my period or whatever because I started wearing tampons when I was like 14 years old or so. It was nice, it wasn't how I expected to lose my virginity and I remember it being super painful and quick. But I lost it to my first true love, my best friend and back then partner in crime, the person who was there for me through it all. Eventually that all fell apart, but I dont think I'll ever forget the relationship we had when he had sex, there were moment were I felt passion when we'd have sex but that was when we got older. The second type of sex: This is the emotionless, fuck my brains out kind of sex. This is where I would sleep around with multiple guys after my first serious relationship failed and I would just have sex and leave. At one point I lived out of home because of stupid guy I thought I was madly in love with at 19, he convinced me leaving my home would be the best decision I could make for myself. I did that and then he broke me. I then lived there for a further 3-4 months and can say I made some interesting memories. I would have guys come over because I was legitimately addicted to the idea of fucking and getting off. I was wild and some days I regret that part of my life, however it shaped me to be the person I am today. This part of my life was on and off, I would have lots of emotionless sex, feel like I'd like them and then I'd be like nahhh. fuck them off and find new people, I ghosted many. I felt a bit mighty being able to do that, but I was also ghosted by guys who gave me some really good sex at the time. The last type of sex: This is the best type of sex you will experience, it is full of love and passion. It's like you're releasing a whole bunch of endorphins and you just feel so close to your partner. This type of sex is with the person you love and when you have the "fuck my brains kind of sex" there's still love there, because there's passion. After all of that, the cuddling and holding each other and feeling closer. You want to keep having sex because of how they make you feel, how they appreciate your body and look you in the eye, they tell you they love you, they whisper shit in your ear that is so sensual. My favourite type of sex will forever be the sensual type of sex, its hard to get and find. It's the "I want to be with you forever, I could keep going" type of intercourse you have and the emotions and warmth you feel after it all. It's nothing that words can describe. I forever want the last type of sex, but with one person.

[secret-hidden-feelings]

“The hardest times for me were not when people challenged what I said, but when I felt my voice was not heard.”

— Carol Gilligan

[secret-hidden-feelings]

“Hold your head up high. You’re doing well, I am proud of you.”

— Unknown

[secret-hidden-feelings]

I have really been doing it tough lately, I been having nightmares about things I suppressed for years. I am a victim of SA, someone who was meant to protect me from others hurting me ended up being the one who damaged me the most. This has led me to want to feel pain elsewhere other than emotional when I cannot cope. I have been called every insult under the sun by men who have been in my life. I literally have been told that its my fault for everything my whole life by everyone around me. I just can't understand why me, why did I have to go through it all.