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as if being me right now wasnt fucking hard enough.

i somehow pinched a nerve in my right shoulder last night and now my neck and shoulder hurt so bad when i move them. ive taken some naproxen so we will see if that works...

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ughhhhhhh

so im sick. still am. my voice is getting better though.

what really sucks is my mouth. i have. so many issues??? so on the outside the middle upper lip is like cut, i have two cold sores on the lower left, then on the inside i have a sore on the right side of my tongue that i can feel even when resting, the thing on the bottom of my mouth on the right side is swollen a little bit, and i have a cold sore.....somewhere. overall it fucking sucks. gf has me doing saltwater rinses, i hope it helps.

my mother used her vacation days on this whole week, so i dont see the kids for a week. pretty cool since i feel like shit.

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well fuck, i dont know what to do. the rent app works now and shows we owe $770. i was like "okay, the extra payday i can just pay the other rent, its cool." only to see "no partial payments" so what the fuck do i do then??? its not my fault they didnt cash the check!

i mean maybe we can write a check for the $770 and send that in the 5th, pay the other bills before it cashes... i calculated and as long as i put the money left in the mercari in, we would only have a negative balance of -$341. so even if she only works four days this week, wed still have like $100-$120 for gas and food, which is manageable. (this is going off of me guessing shell make $560, she might make more idk)

we are supposed to make $150 later today through selling the animatronic, and $50 tomorrow through selling the violin. so i was thinking of using the $200 to pay for gas and food this payday. im trying to make more sales on mercari and facebook but everything is stagnant :/ i truly do not know what else to sell... ive lowered prices on both, i hope i can get something...

im such a fuck up. i hate myself.

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ugh im so pissed.

so one of gfs online friends sends her $50 yesterday for her birthday. so i suggest how about we go to this chinese place i used to go to as a kid? they had crab legs, which is why my parents chose to make the drive. she calls them and they say the buffet is $15. excellent.

so we go there, its okay. they dont serve crab legs anymore, sad. but we eat our fill. the food is fine, but we are met with the sight of a dead betta fish while checking out. which was disgusting. the car ride home is fine. but then i suddenly gain a sore throat.

like i mean sudden. it developed in the course of an hour i believe? i just felt my throat start to tingle and now the roof of my mouth specifically hurts. thing is, there are so many factors as to why it happened. i had bile come up and burn my whole mouth last night. we went to the chinese restaurant and i might have got something from the food, though gf had most of the same foods and is absolutely fine. my niece and nephew could have caused it, as they have been coughing a lot.

idk but now im miserable due to it. im angry that i suggested going anywhere, but at the same time gf absolutely loved it and wants to go back sometime.

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okay so four more boxes have to go out tomorrow lmao.

the raptors are in a fold over white box with the duct tape on it. the bjds are in the same kind of fold over white box, but without duct tape. the rainbow high clothes are in a bigger brown box. and idk what box the ptsd plushie will be in yet.

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sigh and as if my parents being assholes isnt enough, gf is depressed because she decided to join a group and all they talked about were things she wants really bad. and now shes depressed and upset. and no doubt this will make today absolutely horrible.

plus she said "stuck in hell looking up at heaven." and i know. i know what she means by it. but it just feels like. im hell. im the bar that is in hell. but i have to watch the kids in 30 minutes, i dont have time to be depressed.

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lots to vent about...

first is i hate that no matter how bad i feel, i have to watch the damn kids. like my mother was sick for a week, so i didnt watch them for a bit over a week. so it feels like shitty timing, but my ears sound like water again, my balance is off... but i still have to watch the damn kids. i cant wait until they go back home and i have to watch them maybe like once every other week.

two, it seems like i cant have very much sugar a day or else my body tingles (mainly just my fingers) and i can feel my heartbeat. im trying to cut back, but gf wanted coffee yesterday and i got one :( so now i feel even more like trash.

three, i hate how people are bookmarking my listings on mercari and not biting. ive sent out offers on my most popular stuff, nothing. i just want to make more sales, i just want to make more money because

four, i hate how i pissed away the money we made yesterday. it was just meant to be the $35 plush, but it also ended up being a $40 box of doll clothes and accessories and $45 for two cards. and what happened? i bought a blu ray player from a nice lesbian couple for $40, some fruit, and lees. there is only $14 left and i told gf to use it for coffee and such.

five, i put us in the hole. the rent STILL hasnt gone through because it "went to corporate", so money is still there. but it is $132 and not the $385 needed. and even if all the mercari stuff got delivered today and it went perfect and i got my $150, it still wouldnt be enough and wed still need $100. and i feel awful. because i wanted to make her happy.

if everything goes well we should have $197 after rent, credit card payments, gas, and pay in fours. which is a fine number!!! thats just with all the mercari stuff going perfectly. i mean two of the people who bought from me have tons of sales and ratings, so im sure theyre legit. the third one though has only two from two years ago...

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i stepped on a conifer nettle, based on the look it is spruce? it drew a tiny bit of blood, but didnt fully pierce me. i cleaned it, put a tiny bit of antibiotic on it, and put a bandaid on. but now my fucking ankle occasionally has like a stab of pain.

i looked up all kinds of conifers, and none of them have any bad shit associated with them. so maybe i just twisted it or irritated it. maybe stepping on the piece hurt my foot because of the angle? idk. it is my bad leg so....

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sigh. i didnt realize we are like $240-250 in debt in the bank account. i am supposed to make $175 i think from mercari so like it isnt too too bad... sigh i suck.

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looove my string of good luck/bad luck today thats jerking me around.

"hey i dont work the rest of the week, i have a cough, so you dont have to watch the kids" cool!

"hey the watch doesnt work, can i get my $40 back?" boo.... yeah. so now the $65 i make tomorrow will be $25...

"hey here is the dragon youve been wanting, he is missing the top of his head and you have that" cool, ordered :)

"hey i cant come get the animatronic because i didnt do my research on where i was going so you cant get $140." UGH

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so something new is happening.

i am shipping a package. someone dmed me about my runescape books and said he would pay for shipping, plus add a little extra. so i listed the books on mercari and he bought them. even after mercari fees ill still make $4 more than i listed them for, and he paid for shipping like he said. so i found a box that fit the four, used some bubble wrap that i got with my dragon figure the other day, and had my mother print the label.

we went to walmart and i bought a scale (it is a kitchen scale but still, it works) and some tape. i also bought a large box because turns out theyre like, $2. i also got my id verified by mercari so i can sell now.

the package is all finished now, and we just have to ship it tomorrow. tbh i am excited to sell more stuff on mercari. im going to weigh my transformers lot and post it because theyre already in a box, though theyre just like thrown in there... i do have walmart bags, maybe i can wrap them in that?

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i just sold my exo stuff for $150. holy shit i thought it would sit there.

i am keeping some of it, particularly my sehun themed albums and exo-sc albums. but everything else is going.

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i am making $140 in the next three days, feels good. im selling the 3DS for $60, tomodachi life for $50, and a plush for $30.

ive uploaded more, i found my old fitbit that is still pretty new, i put up my wii for $40, a zelda game and watch... i have so many things up.

im so mad i lost the cartridge to pokemon sun. thats probably worth a little bit now. ive looked around but never found it.

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sigh i knew that this time was coming to an end. gf is now depressed because of a fucking scammer preying on her insecurities. in fact it is because she cant even fall for the scam, which tbh idk how to feel about that. i knew that not everything was okay lately, like ive felt bad about selling things because of how many times she needs to go meet up with someone at our local walmart. and that is combined with running her family around everywhere.

also people are starting to ghost me on FB marketplace. we do have a $80 sale tonight, which is great, but a couple other people have asked for things and then never followed up. i am so close to selling this one MTG card for $30, but when i suggested tomorrow he stopped responding. same with the plush bin and my expensive disney doll. its also happened with my AG doll.

today *should* be my last day to watch the kids this week. my mother said she has wednesday, thursday, and friday off. she does say that she could be called in wednesday and thursday, but she doesnt think it is likely. plus it has been raining all day and so my father should be off on time.

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like i literally made all this money and ive spent like $200 of it on fast food because of being stuck watching the kids. and the kids get some of it because they scream and cry if they dont. and like.

it feels gross that i spent that much on fast food. its literally been affecting me. but my parents dont consider me eating at their house despite watching the kids well into time for supper. hell they dont even get snacks for me and the kids to share. its all the kids snack on fruit snacks, bananas, and oranges. and sometimes there is caprisun. and then they either have mac n cheese, beefaroni, or pizza rolls for supper. they do like pb&js, but they usually dont have bread for it. the baby eats applesauce and meal pouches. this is literally all they have for the children and then nothing for me or my partner.

i found out from my sister they even get paid by the state to be there. so where the fuck is that money going? both of my parents have jobs. thats the whole reason i have to watch the kids every day. like not only do i get paid a horrible amount for watching four kids, but there is nothing for me at their house to sustain me the whole time. she said it was like at least $400 a month, which if it is, they should be STOCKED with the cheap ass food they feed the kids. because i literally buy the same shit for gf and i.

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we got chicken from a company that smokes chicken fresh for our town. i ate mine, it was fantastic. gf is now airfrying hers and i could tell she is upset. because i asked for a little bit of the breast.

i gave her. mines leg and wing. and what was connected to it. she got literally a third of my chicken. but now she wants to be a baby about giving me a little bit of hers breast. NOT THE WHOLE BREAST. just a little bit of it. so i told her to just forget it.

im also just sad because we finally went grocery shopping and most of it went to her. which like, fine, she needed food. i understand. but i need food too. and i ended up taking off like seven different frozen meals. to accommodate for the $17 pair of shorts she said she needed to get. she refused to look for her two pairs of cargo shorts i got her last year, and she went right past the cheaper options and didnt even consider them. the freezer is just filled with her ravioli, burritos, pizza rolls, her frozen meals. i got the slim pickings i usually do. we got her cereal and bananas and fresh cuts of turkey. i got yogurt and orange juice. she spilled my grapes so i lost those.

and then today we sold my cards for $70 and then she said she wanted to eat at waffle house. i said okay, sounds good. so we go there and it is busy. meaning there are only booths left, booths that she knows i dont fit in. instead of saying "why dont we go somewhere else." she is just fine with me stuffing myself in a booth, my belly painfully squishing out of the top, and making it hard to eat because my stomach is pressing against my chest. hell she even got half of my sandwich that time too because eating was just so painful. so there went half of what we just made to a lunch that was uncomfortable for me and i couldnt enjoy.

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i love that ive made all this money selling this stuff and yet i still feel empty as hell because shit keeps happening. of course there is the car, with the noise and feel being way off, and it doesnt turn off for five minutes after being shut off. and then there is the fact that today i went to pay the rent and the app doesnt fucking work. so now i have to scramble to find an email to send an email asking who the check goes to. of course nothing can be easy.

so i think im going to do two plush bins. one build a bear plush that ill make a bit more expensive, and one for other plush that ill make cheaper. i think thatll work. ill make the build a bear bin like $50-60 and the generic plush bin $25-30. update since, ive put them together and have listed them. i put up like eight listings this morning. i have no interest yet, but im reallly hoping i do.... :(

at the beginning people wanted my stuff and it felt nice and now people are bookmarking but not asking for my stuff and i feel hopeless. like i get it, i have like $250 to get groceries with, working out another $50 tomorrow, who knows if mother will send more. but like. i just want people to like my stuff. i also just want rid of a lot of it