secretlettersillneversend

[secretlettersillneversend]

As per my convo with Kiera:

Sam, you are fucking psychopath. 

I am not one to try to psychopathologize, but honestly.... yo actions is SUM DIFFERENT. 

It is no fucking wonder I fell really hard, really fast, because I get the feeling that you actually enjoy doing shit like that. 

I think you enjoy manipulating women and making them feel like they’ve finally found someone who’s “different” and “perfect” by doing some cheap shows of supposed emotional vulnerability and affection, saying shit with baby names and amor, and jagi, all of that bullshit. 

I think you got heavily burned in the past by someone, and you let that trauma make you into a douchey playboy wannabe who in turn burns other people. 

Well let me fucking tell you something, when we hit it off again it was PURELY by coincidence (thanks to peter for accidentally liking your pic on ig when i was showing it to him) and I won’t lie, the beginning was something I needed at the time, I needed some positive belief in love and dating because I just fucking found out my boyfriend of TWO YEARS, who i LIVED WITH, had cheated on me for our entire relationship. not only that, but he fucking disrespected me to his family, who I was always in close proximity to. 

And to be fair, I think our personalities were actually VERY similar, I think you’re just as emotional (and emotionally intelligent) and sensitive as I am, I think you feel them with the same kind of intensity that I do, and I think you could feel that from when we talked. 

I think you saw, like I did, that we had great potential to BE SOMETHING REAL, and that there might’ve even been a long future there, but it scared you. 

I also think that you’re fatphobic despite how woke you want to seem, and that is just a small portion of your actual problematic nature, I think you want to try and seem woke and politically correct to seem like you’re better than others, but in the inside.... i know what kind of person you are. I think you’re one of those ppl who grew up with ignorant ass ppl in the hood and you never quite shed the want to be like them, to seem “cool”. 

anyways, I just want to say: 

It would’ve been cool if you had been really fucking honest and just told me that you weren’t physically attracted to me or something. That yeah, you may have felt an emotional/personality connection but you can’t see it going further because I’m not your type. 

Instead of trying to keep me on a burner because you knew I liked you and you wanted someone to be there to stroke your ego. 

Fucking trash and immature tbh. 

[secretlettersillneversend]

Like is u serious?

I’m writing this shit because I honestly can’t believe you. Like you make up for your low emotional intelligence and lack of common sense with the NERVE and the AUDACITY. like what the actual fuck. 

How are you going to email me and ask if “I’m still down” to go on a fucking vacation with you? Like are you serious??? 

What part of: I DONT WANNA FUCKING BE WITH YOU AND WE ARE NOT A COUPLE AND I ALSO DONT WANT TO TALK TO YOU, do you not fucking understand? 

It’s not enough that you fucking tormented me over the last 3 years? 

It’s not enough that the last time I saw you, you still said shit like, “I wish we never dated, and stayed friends, because it’s harder to lose a friend”? 

It’s not enough that I still feel like you never fucking truly loved me and that I feel like I’m too damaged for anyone else now? 

Is that shit NOT FUCKING ENOUGH???? YOU HAVE TO TAKE FUCKING MORE?????????? 

I saw this post on reddit at work the other day, and this comment really hit who you are on the head. 

You claim you’re so “logical” but really what it is, is that your emotional intelligence is extremely low, and you’re incredibly emotionally immature. I doubt you’ve grown as a person since you were in jhs/hs and it really fucking shows. 

Because while people at our age of 22-24 are becoming real adults, growing and taking personal responsibility for themselves and their actions, but you??? ha. 

ripped from reddit: 

- Yeah I agree with this. Your BF might have some good qualities, but mostly it sounds like he's super selfish and not in a place to be in a mutually equitable relationship. He did you a favor. Take some time to get over the relationship, but definitely don't go back. You can't "not fight" in a relationship. Learning how to fight properly is something that you'll need to learn, but you can't do that with a guy who thinks relationships are never fighting. Someone like that just wants to get what they want all the time without consequence.

- Going forward I'd keep in mind that I've rarely seen someone who calls themselves 'logical' actually be more logical than their partner in most situations. Instead, it can mean 'I have low emotional intelligence and tact, and value my own emotions more than my partner's, and would like a defense to shut my partner down when they have an emotional reaction to something hurtful I said'.Everyone with common sense knows emotions aren't logical and yet can still take their partner's into account before opening their mouth. 'I think logically' to defend saying something hurtful is just an excuse to avoid having to take other people's feelings into account.

^^^^^^ ALL OF THAT. 

honestly i am the most mad at myself for not kicking you out of my life sooner, i blame my sense of loyalty to one dick and one dick only, and you for making me feel insecure and gaslighting me to the point where I feel like I would’ve been ditching a person in need, a hurting person, and you treating me like a fucking piece of shit in return. 

I’m not going to entertain you and your nonsense, thoughtless, selfish and tactless emails with a response, I know you’d just reply with some ridiculous ass shit to make me keep responding and i’m not fucking about it, you fucking stupid dickwad cunthead.

(Oh, and P.S. your head game was never as strong as you thought it was, I said LICK AND SUCK (but mostly suck) but you didn’t even know where my clit was, so...) 

[secretlettersillneversend]

Speaking of Sam

It trips me up how things went down with him and I think it’ll always bother me. 

I don’t think I’m being delusional or was expecting too much when honestly, that’s how that shit was. 

I keep looking back on our old texts and the things we’d say to each other and honestly all I can say is that it felt right and soothed me in a way I haven’t seen or felt from any guy, ever. 

Like the fact that we had real conversations, blue to gray evenly matched, building on topics and starting new ones, emoting to each other, joking and teasing one another playfully, I....... I miss that shit so much. Because for the first time, it seemed like someone I could truly be myself, my goofy ass and extra ass self, around with and it didn’t feel weird or strained or any of those other things i felt with you, Is**c. 

It had all the subtle and not so subtle expressions of romance, all the impressions of caring and appreciation, even if it was for a short while. 

Being called ‘amor’ or responded to with emojis and memes and .... god there’s so much looking back. But just being responded to like... I’m a person. I think that’s what it is? Being responded to like a person to be further explored, it makes me feel honestly, WANTED. I can’t say I felt that shit from Is**c after the initial 3 months or so. 

I don’t think I could ever expect a future with Sam, it wouldn’t be possible based on the (tbh) creepy shit I pulled and the way he fell through on himself, it’s like one minute that caring dude was there and boom, after that date it was ghost town. And then a half assed excuse of “I want to be alone” but then immediately flirting it up with other girls on twitter or wherever the fuck. A whole different world of mental and emotional gymnastics. 

But sam, I’m never going to send this, but I hella appreciate you and the way you were to me for that short period of time. 

It truly made me happy and shine at a time I needed it most. 

I wonder if the timing of us meeting again was different, if we would’ve worked out better, but it is what it is. 

[secretlettersillneversend]

honestly the thing that most impressed me and made me feel connected to Sam so fast was that he just responded like a genuine human being with what? you guessed it!

F E E L I N G S.

[secretlettersillneversend]

Oh boo hoo

I just read the email you sent at 3AM, and all I have to say is wow. 

Now that I’m not entangled in your hot-then-cold emotional whiplash BULLSHIT, i can see how manipulative you really are. I don’t give a fuck if you’re aware of it or not, i just care that I FUCKING SEE IT NOW. The fact that you can even say “I start fights” or SUGGEST that I “start fights” instead of maybe, just MAYBE for fucking ONCE think that maYBE... I’m saying what the fuck is on my mind and being clear and that you should give a FUCK about what I say at ALL TIMES instead of just brushing shit off because you think I’m being dramatic or too much or whatever the fuck. Is that too much for you? 

Is it too much to wrap your tiny, incredibly SELF ABSORBED head around to think that maybe, just maybe, the things I say have merit and should be actually listened to? Not just when you feel? That mutual respect and communication isn’t just an on and off thing, that yeah, you have to listen to your partner even when they’re mad because the point is to be each other’s EQUALS? Like, for fuck’s sake dude. 

And boo fucking hoo that you don’t like we “ended in a fight”. honestly. like I told you, on god, so MANY fucking times about the same fucking shit, over and over and OVER again, and the fact that it just becomes background noise to you and you don’t take it seriously is just..... unbelievable. Like what the fuck do you expect from me? To just suck your dick constantly and always be in a state of emotional death? where i’m never satisfied, I don’t feel seen or heard or understood? is that what you fucking want? 

someone to just be there for you so you don’t feel lonely? 

tell me, how does that fucking work? 

Do you feel good? Doing that shit to someone? keeping them around but not doing what you should and NEED to be doing to make them feel.... like a human? 

honestly yeah, i’ve been pretty fucking miserable this past month without contacting you and it’s been fucking hard not hearing from you either but. 

I feel like I’m the most free and lowkey happiest with myself that I’ve ever been in a long time. 

I can do what I want, eat what I want, and even in this shitty old house with squirrels rummaging above and fleas biting me in my sleep, I feel the most comfortable. I truly feel comfortable, and that tells me a lot about my time with you. 

I could never truly feel comfortable eating around you. 

How could I? I’ve heard the way you talk about fat people, and honestly as someone who identifies themselves as fat too, how the fuck could I possibly feel comfortable eating around you? and imagining living the rest of our lives together, with me never feeling fully fucking comfortable and let’s be real, SAFE, around you..... it haunts me. it would’ve been a lifetime of self inflicted torture.

You honestly... don’t impress me as a human. You brag about doing things that normal people with compassion and love would just fucking cringe at. 

How do you go from criticizing me and accusing me of “starting shit” and then trying to love bomb me with “oh i appreciate you and everything you’ve done” in the same fucking paragraph? Huh? 

Like, i just- wow. WOW. like for fuck’s sake, I DO NOT START SHIT. I SAY WHAT THE FUCK IS BOTHERING ME AND SPEAK UP ABOUT IT LIKE A NORMAL FUCKING ADULT. 

and it will ALWAYS fucking bother me that you can’t or won’t, idgaf which one it is, do that shit. That you wouldn’t open up and communicate and tell me how you fucking FEEL, because you’re too busy convincing yourself that you don’t fucking feel things, and guess what? that shit SHOWS and it translated to every part of our fucking “relationship” if you can even call it that.