secretly-insane

[secretly-insane]

Honestly, I need a scene where Dick gives someone a heart attack because he decided not to take the stairs.

Just imagine the scene: Dick has been living with Bruce for a time now, so he's already used to Dick's tricks, but that doesn't mean everyone is just as used to them.

Bruce has a visit with someone from high society, call him a company employee, call him simply a millionaire who is there for x reason. Whatever.

Dick (like 10 years old maybe), leaving his room in a hurry: Hey B! I finished my homework, I'm going out to play now!

Bruce: Okay, chum. Have fun! Come back before dark!

Dick: I will!

Dick, literally being on the second floor, opens a hallway window, and simply jumps out of it.

And Bruce is totally cool with his son jumping off a second floor window while the man next to him runs to the window in absolute panic because oh God, Bruce Wayne's son just kill hims-

Dick performs a perfect somersault, stops by hanging from a tree branch, does an extra flip, and lands softly on the ground before running off into the woods to play.

[secretly-insane]

actually can we have Tim not being adopted into the batfamily and instead after his parents go broke and then die leaving him with nothing he just decides ‘well i know where the batcave is’ and starts living in the tunnels underneath Wayne manor because of the logic that he can’t get kicked out bcs 1. squatters rights and 2. whats Bruce gonna do? call the police and say ‘this guy won’t leave my secret lair. no im not Batman wdym’? and he manages to go unnoticed for like. a good fucking while. not even Alfred realises bcs wtf would he be snooping around down there for?

even better is this happens after Jason dies so Tim still becomes Robin and Bruce is so overwhelmed with grief that he literally never realises that Tim has never once used the front door to come over. he just kinda sneaks up from somewhere in the cave. he assumes that Alfred’s letting the kid in without telling him. Alfred assumes Bruce is doing the same.

Damian finds out first because that’s so much funnier. he gets to Gotham to 1. gain his birthright and meet his father and 2. do some reconnaissance/avenging of this replacement Robin that’s been the centre of Jason’s angry rants at the league for the past 6 months. he follows Tim ‘home’ and finds him fucking. golluming it up a 15 minute hike through the cave system and he’s like. wait what.

Damian, reporting back to Jason: Drake is a mole.

Jason, vindicated: like he’s working for the enemy?!

Damian, standing in front of an indignant Tim in the middle of his ‘camp’, phone pressed to his ear: no like he lives in a fucking tunnel.

Jason:

Tim, mumbling: slightly harsh,

Damian, angling his face away from the phone momentarily: i watched you dig a hole to unearth the protein bars you’d buried there.

Tim:

Jason, rapidly changing his opinion on this kid: ok actually lets not kill him because thats fucking hysterical and i want to know more-

Tim really likes living alone in the tunnels because he’s a weird little guy and he’s gotten used to the independence and lack of sun, and Damian grew up in the league where ‘wilderness training’ was monthly, mandatory, and from the age of three. so he really doesn’t see the issue in it. he just kinda shrugs and accepts his brother lives in the cave system. Jason is so delighted and amused by the vibes these two kids have going on over in Gotham (he gets video calls from Damian just. in Tim’s camp while they hang out together sometimes. Damian brings him water bottles and various sustenance offerings like he’s appealing so some ancient deity living under their house. Jason thinks it’s incredible) that he decides fuck the league, he needs to see this in person. killing the Joker is a side quest he did on the way; he really only came to see what his idiot little brothers had going on under Bruce, Dick and Alfreds nose. he visits Tim’s little cave home while waiting for his new Crime Alley apartment to be ready.

eventually Bruce and Dick are working on a case and they’re following a lead to do with a criminal escaping via cave systems that they theorise may connect to the batcave, so after Damian’s gone to bed they suit up and start searching around. they come across Damian, Tim, and the fucking Red Hood chilling around a small fire just casually eating leftovers Damian snuck down from the kitchen, just quietly enjoying each others presence in this clearly years old campsite, quietly discussing whether or not the weather will be clear enough next week to go to the new art museum together. Dick shines a flashlight at them and they all snap to attention like that scene in ratatouille where the human comes in the kitchen and the rats all freeze and look up. nobody says anything for a solid three minutes.

eventually Tim is just like “I have squatters rights. you can’t evict me.” and Red Hood nods and points at him.

Bruce, desperate to gain some kind of thread of understanding here: “Damian, you’re supposed to be in bed. …Tim, I’m actually not sure where you’re supposed to be, come to think of it, but I don’t think it’s here.”

“He just said he has squatters rights, father.” Damian responds instantly. “Keep up.”

Dick: “And does the Red Hood have squatters rights?”

“I have a gun,” Jason points out cheerfully. “Same thing, ain’t it?”

Dick and Bruce are so confused they become convinced that they’ve been dosed with something and only figure out whats going on after putting on gas masks and testing everybody’s blood.

[secretly-insane]

Jason being immortal but it’s kinda like Klaus from the umbrella academy in the sense that he doesn’t fucking realise that he’s immortal. Damian is the only one who knows and it’s been pissing him off for YEARS that Jason won’t get with the fucking program.

the thing is, Jason never questioned what exactly woke him up back in that coffin. he was slightly distracted by dealing with the wood and dirt attempting to suffocate him back beyond the grave, and once he’d gotten free and was wandering around Gotham, he didn’t have the presence of mind to do much but zombie-walk around until the league found him. after that? well he was too busy with training, annoying Ra’s, helping raise Damian, and just overall getting used to life without being Robin to think about the fact that he’d come back to life at one point.

Damian, on the other hand, clocked that Jason was immortal as a toddler when he watched his new older brother accidentally fall off a cliff during a ‘nature hike’ that was actually endurance training that Damian had been allowed to attend from a chest harness that, luckily, he hadn’t been inside of during the fall. he peered off the edge of the stomach clenching drop, sharp spikes littering the bottom, to see Jason un-skewer his shoulder from a rock and stand up to crack his neck, before casually calling up that he was fine and it was ‘just a little fall’. little Damian called bullshit.

things continued like that the entire time Jason spent at the league, and it pissed Damian off to no end that Jason kept just walking off fatal injuries and absolutely REFUSE to believe that they were fatal. ‘i just have a high pain tolerance.’ ‘you got shot in the neck, ahki.’ ‘it skimmed me.’ ‘YOU DIED.’ ‘stop making up stories, demon brat.’ it’s driving the kid insane. the worst thing is he can’t even tell anyone else for fear that Ra’s gets a hold of the realisation and decides to use Jason in his research for finding better ways to prolong his lifespan.

Jason, bursting into Damian’s room in the early morning, spurting blood from an arrow wound to the chest: Dami- Dami- u- argk-

Damian, half asleep, watching blankly from bed as his brother bleeds out on his floor:

Damian:

Damian: *deep sigh*

-twenty minutes later, Jason wakes up on Damian’s floor completely healed-

Jason: …

Damian:

Jason: wow, sorry Dames, guess i drank too much last night and blacked out. didn’t mean to crash here.

Damian, unimpressed and holding a bloody arrow: grandfather says you stopped an assasination attempt on my mother.

Jason: haha yeah, craaaazy night

Damian: get out.

Jason: -getting out.

eventually Damian heads to Gotham and, of course, his overprotective immortal brother follows soon after with the mission of building a crime empire, killing a clown, pissing of the fourth Robin at any opportunity, and infuriating the fuck out of Bruce Wayne. after a while the Red Hood gets his identity reveal, and gradual tentative truce, and Damian gets both of his families to be more or less on ok terms for once.

the issue is Jason is still really bad at staying alive. and the rest of the family is kind of sensitive to that specific thing. and Damian’s apathy is not appreciated. it takes them a while to figure everything out.

~

*all four batboys are captured by a rogue, Bruce on his way but they need to stall*

Rogue: and now, you will have to pick amongst yourselves who will DIE!

Jason and Dick, instantly: ME!

Damian, dryly: Red Hood.

Dick: ITS GOTTA BE M- Robin what the fuck

Damian: *shrugs*

Jason, so used to Damian being weirdly ok with his more dangerous activities he’s not even offended: YEAH SHOOT ME. I CAN TAKE IT!

Tim: no he can’t, don’t shoot him!

Damian: no, shoot him.

Tim and Dick: ROBIN!

Jason: bite me non-believers, i’m getting shot today-!

Damian: please do it quickly so he shuts up.

Rogue:

Rogue:

Rogue: the others told me the new Robin was fucked up but like i didn’t realise exactly how much-

~

Tim: me and Damian didn’t really get off on the right foot, on account of he kept trying to kill me.

Jason: ? so? that’s just what he does when you piss him off. he tries to kill me all the time.

Tim: ?

Jason: i called him a wanker last week so he shoved me off a building with no grapple. luckily the garbage can broke my fall and saved me haha!

Tim: ???

Damian, fully never wanted Tim dead and was instead so used to never having to worry about hurting Jason that he forgot that murder was actually fatal to his other brothers: yeah that’s my bad, Drake. it was instinct.

~

*Bruce walks into the batcave to see Jason, gunshot in his forehead, laying obviously deceased on the ground with Damian stood over him, nudging him with his foot and holding a gun.*

Bruce: oh my- oh my god, Jaylad no please-!

Damian: in my defence he told me the safety was on.

Bruce, crying: JASON PLEASE NOT AGAIN-

Damian: just give him like ten minutes

Bruce: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT- OH MY GOD HIS BRAIN’S ON THE BATCOMPUTER

Damian: again, not my fault.

Dick walking in: hey whats all the noi- LITTLEWING?!?!!

-

*ten minutes later, the family is sobbing and Damian is tapping his foot impatiently*

Jason: wooaaaaah, headache. …is everything ok?

Everyone else, devastatingly shocked:

Damian: i shot you in the head and you died again. they panicked.

Jason: ha-ha, funny as always brat. what’d you do, hit me with the butt of the gun or something?

Damian, turning to the others: it is a miracle he ever managed to get his GED.

[secretly-insane]

[secretly-insane]

observation: among a certain subset of tumblr users, the term “blorbo” has become unchic, but the concept it describes is still important; and so it has been replaced with “The Character”

[secretly-insane]

Poke

(Hm. What's an equivalent. I typically have my joking responses here as though I am a bird, and thus poking involves limbs I would lack.)

Peck.

[secretly-insane]

Dick: Okay, so with Bruce being on a mission with the Justice League, we need someone to be Batman.

Jason: So you just be Batman again

Damian: Actually, I strongly disagree with that arrangement

Tim: Don't tell me.... you think you should be Batman?

Damian: No, I'm aware I don't have the same attitude to be Father

Jason: really?... just the attitude?

Damian: I believe Cain should be Batman

Cassandra: Oh?

Dick: Umm.... Dami, I don't think-

Damian: Think about it. Grayson is too nice, Jason has way too much pent-up anger

Jason: Fuck you.

Damian: And well Drake is just..... Drake

Tim: Wow...

Damian: Cain is the only person who can match Father to a T.

Dick: There are many reasons why she can't be-

Jason: No, no, no, Dick. The demon child has a point

Dick: ..... um, okay then

(Later thar night)

Penguin: About time you showed up-

Cassandra (in Bat suit): You'll pay for your crimes

Penguin: ..... the hell am I looking at?

Robin: What?

Penguin: WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT? WHO IS THIS?

Red Hood: Batman, duh

Penguin: No, don't do that

Nightwing: Don't do what? This is Batman

Penguin: That's obviously a teenage girl

The Batkids: (gasps loudly and in sync)

Penguin: WHAT?!

Red Hood: How dare you assume his gender.

Robin: During Pride Month, too

Red Robin: (shaking his head) and here I thought you were an alley

Penguin: okay no just take me in

[secretly-insane]

Happy pride month or whatever.

[secretly-insane]

Keeping up with the Waynes

Jason, about random dead guy: No! He died of natural causes, nobody killed them. Dick: Are you sure? Jason: Of course I'm sure. Dick: *looks over at Damian* Jason: Dick: Jason: ...Pretty sure.

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i like to think that he would have been like this if THAT hadn't happened

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the five homoerotic love languages:

- intimate stabbing

- outright obsession

- confused pining

- "no one knows me like you do"

- lifelong promises that always sound suspiciously like wedding vows

[secretly-insane]

[secretly-insane]

having anti punitive justice morals sucks because you want to say "man that guy sucks he should get hit with hammers until he dies" but you also want to make it clear you don't think anyone should be put in charge of the 'hit people with hammers until they die" machine.

[secretly-insane]

WARNING: organ trafficking stuff

Sequel to this post

Also inspiration from this fic

[secretly-insane]

Really big fan of whenever Batman uses his cape to shield/comfort the people he protects:

But consider:

the rest of caped Batfam members doing it too.

- when rescued victims cling to them for a while, they use the capes like shock blankets. Injured kids hiding under Robin's/Batgirl's cape while they wait for paramedics to arrive.

- teammates and younger heroes huddle up under their capes to rest when tired or injured (LISTEN they really didn't mean to fall asleep. It's not their fault that they just had an adrenaline crash and that the batkid's presence was kind of comforting sHUT UP)

- BUT ALSO for the older Batfam members: they may be too big to properly fit under their younger sibling's smaller cape. But imagine waking up on the ground after you got knocked out from taking a bad hit. You immediately know you’re not in danger anymore, because one of your younger siblings is shielding your face from noise/light/rain with their cape. It makes the concussion more bearable while you wait for the medevac to arrive. You’re taken care of. You’re gonna be fine.

[secretly-insane]