secretmarie - Tumblr blog

[secretmarie]

05/31/18- 6:04am

I haven’t posted on here in a while and when I did it was always very sad, very negative.

But that’s just because I was very sad, very negative.

I feel better now.

Not 100% better, but better nonetheless.

I have good friends with me every day and I’m falling for a guy that I’m not sure about but I’m willing to try with him.

Whether it ends positively or negatively.

At least it happened.

[secretmarie]

3/26/17-11:50pm

Im sitting in bed, crying because Well, i honestly cant pin point a certain thing. Im in love with someone who will never love me back in the same way. I dont want to be who i am but i dont want to hurt people by ending it. I want to move but i have no way of doing so. I just feel stuck. Im feeling suffocated. I cant breathe in my own skin. I feel ugly in my own skin. I am ugly in my own skin. I dont know what im doing.

[secretmarie]

3/3/17-3:12am

I have a constant lump in my throat when i talk to you. I know youll never like me as more than a friend. I know you only kissed me that day because you felt like you had to. I hate knowing that i kissed when you didnt want it. I hate knowing that you dont want me.

[secretmarie]

02/25/17-4:01am

The whole night ive had this heavy feeling in my throat and emptiness in my stomach and maybe its just anxiety but quite literally everything that ive done today i have thought about 10 times. I said something to M today and she didn’t respond. Maybe she didnt hear me but maybe i upset her? I dont want her to be upset with me. And i have a terrible habit of counting and not being able to stop till i getting distracted. I was restocking the beer today and i kept counting them over and over again and i counted up to 246 before Mo started talking to me. And for some insane reason i kept counting my steps and if i couldnt make it from point a to b in 7 steps, it frustrated the shit out of me. And while i was washing the glasses i started counting my breaths. Inhale on odd numbers and exhale on even. The counting always gets crazy when i have anxiety but it was really busy tonight and there were alot of drinks i was having to make and the counting was slowing me down and anxiety is such a bitch.

[secretmarie]

2/21/17-10:28pm

I really just want someone to love me through my hard times. When i dont think im getting out of my binds. When i dont think its worth it to be alive anymore. When im counting my scars, wishing there was just one more. But i also want someone to love me through my good times. When i laugh so hard i cry. When my stomach is in knots because of how happy they make me. When i have my good days and i can actually breathe. Its hard knowing that those things night not happen. Its hard knowing i might have to walk by myself in a lonesome fashion. When will he be here? When will i be loved for me?

[secretmarie]

02/13/17-1:37am

After 3 years i did it again and it felt terribly good.

[secretmarie]

02/11/17-12:05am

Sometimes i think about getting back with R just so ill have someone that is insanely in love with me. Why am i so selfish?

[secretmarie]

02/05/17-11:39pm

Im happy right now. Im not sure why, but i am. I never write when im happy. I need to start doing that.

[secretmarie]

02/02/17- 1:45pm

I really just need to focus on myself and not anyone else. I need to get attached to something else. I need to start painting again. Painting cant hurt me. Painting cant lie to me. Painting is good. You are not.

[secretmarie]

01/28/17- 7:40pm

This shit fucking sucks. I need to stop being so attached to people.

[secretmarie]

B

I dont think B is for me. But maybe it's just because I'm not for him.

[secretmarie]

01/24/17- 9:02pm

My heart fucking hurts.

[secretmarie]

1/21/2017-12:20pm

I just woke up. Now im sitting outside drinking coffee and wondering how unfortunate it was that i woke up.

[secretmarie]

1/19/17 - 3:01am

Its really late at night and i cant help but think maybe i should just move and start over. I just feel annoying. I feel like i need to leave so im not such a hassle. When im alone at night and no one else is awake, i guess its just easier to convince myself that people are just putting up with me. I want to get on with my life but at the same time, i didn't think i would make it this far so i have no plans. I thought id be dead by my age. I thought id be dead by 16 even. How did i make it this far? Im not sure that i like that. Im not sure i like who i am. But its really hard to change. I wish i could change. I wish i could be a different person. I wish i could be a better person. Jesus christ, i fucking suck.

[secretmarie]

Its easier to say you dont know why youre sad, rather than provide the long winded explanation of why you dont think you can do it anymore.

[secretmarie]

Please, stop.

One of the things i would say, but you wouldn’t hear.

[secretmarie]

1/15/17- 1:55pm

Im really thinking right now. Im really in my feelings right now. Im really sad right now. I dont know why. It should be diffrent. I should be happy. I should be smiling. I should be having fun. I should be laughing. Should be. But I’m not. The last time i was genuinely happy was a week and a half ago. That was fun for a bit. I havent done any drugs in a long while so thats good i guess. Thats alot for me to say. That used to be the only thing i thought about. The only thing i would wake up for. But now i guess theres one other thing i wake up for now. Hes pretty great. B makes me feel like im not useless. B doesnt make me feel annoying when my brain is telling me otherwise. I like that feeling. I havent felt that in a long time. Its nice. Its reassuring. I hope he doesnt turn out like R. B seems like he wouldnt hurt anyone physically when he is mad. Hopefully not mentally either. Not like R. R was a bad person. B is a good person as far as i know. I hope B stays like that.