secretsinthedarkx

[secretsinthedarkx]

I’ll never feel like I’m good enough and that’s okay. I’ll always try as hard as I can but if someone doesn’t see it that way what are we supposed to do

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stuck.

i dont think i feel stuck. I know I’m stuck. Stuck in a home with two parents that don’t love each other anymore. Although I am convinced that they never did. If they don’t know what love is, for sure I don’t and I don’t ever want to know. I’m stuck in a family by blood and can’t leave. Stuck in a home trying to find a job so that I can pay off my parent’s mortgage because they’re getting old and aren’t going to be working forever.

I don’t know what I am meant to do. I need to find a large amount of money quick so I pay off the house and get papers for my parents to split. Then I’ll buy two places for my parents to live separately and never have to speak to each other again. 

I’ve considered selling myself out. Doing things against my morals myself because I need money so badly. And I don’t mind doing these things if it means my parents can live happily separately for the remainder of their lives. 

I’ve always considered my parents good people just not good together. But I found message exchanges from my mum to someone else today on her phone. And it went back to a long time ago. I would’ve never thought that my thought of infidelity would happen with my parents. I never thought this would happen. 

[secretsinthedarkx]

just another one of those shitty days.

I feel like im trying so hard but im getting nowhere.

and i feel so lost

[secretsinthedarkx]

https://iglovequotes.net/

[secretsinthedarkx]

[secretsinthedarkx]

https://iglovequotes.net/

[secretsinthedarkx]

[secretsinthedarkx]

Disappointed

What is going on everybody. I recently tried using a dating app. Yes this has always been against my moral and beliefs in people in relationships. Because I have always, and always will believe that relationships will end. They never last. So I thought what the hell might as well have some fun and play this game they call dating.

From first impression it felt okay and nice to see what it was like and if I would get any swipes. So I’ve never been confident in myself and I won’t be for a really long time. But I wanted to see if I could get any matches. And I did.

I’ve met some nice guys and met some douchy guys but mostly it’s been okay. My first experiences on all apps were horrible though, I let my guard down too early and I ended up regretting what had happened and blamed myself for it. No I didn’t meet any of these guys on these apps and although some planned to.

But I made it clear that I was not going to sleep with these guys and they said that was fine and the ones that didn’t. Well they f**cked off and didn’t waste my time. But some people I chatted with on these apps made me blame myself. I shouldn’t have gotten so excited and hopeful. I hate myself for doing that.

And then I tried the dreaded app. Tinder.

And we’ve heard stories about these apps. Some people find ‘love’ and some people find hookups and convenience to get away from their normal lives. But I caved and tried it. Because the app seemed like the perfect way for me to try out a dating app where random guys would talk to me or an app where I had to message them first and sometimes I would get no reply.

This one person- HE WHO DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE NAMED. He was nice and I don’t usually swipe for guys who don’t have bios because they are there just for hookups. So we talked for a few hours and he says we should get a drink.

So through all this planning for a date. We choose a date. And I was worried he’d feel catfished if he met me in real life. And all these horrible scenarios come into my head of how he can leave to the bathroom and never come back. Blah blah blah. So I uploaded more pics of myself because I felt they looked more like me (even though everybody I talked to said I look the same in every photo) but I was worried.

It’s currently Wednesday and we’re meant to meet up tomorrow. He hasn’t messaged and the last message consisted something along the lines saying he would message me this week. And he hasn’t. Which has made me so frustrated because I was looking forward to it. Even though I imagined all the worst scenarios. I would rather he just unmatch me now instead of me wondering if he is going to message me. And all my insecurties bubble up to surface making me question that he’s probably seen more prettier or skinnier girls on this app thing that has made him question his decision to go on a date with me or not. And I hate myself for thinking that. But I would rather not sit here for the next couple of hours wondering if he will message me or not.

So please if the Universe can read this. Either let him unmatch me or message me saying he’s not interested anymore. I don’t like this. I hate it. I don’t want to sit wondering. That’s why I’ve already made plans for tomorrow because I’m over it.

This secret now belongs in the dark

x

[secretsinthedarkx]

It’s getting bad again. I can feel it.

I break down on silly things, I drift off and think how everyone would react when I killed myself.

I’m tired again.

[secretsinthedarkx]

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my mom said “going back to an old relationship is like rewatching a movie and expecting a different ending to happen” and that hit me hard

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You know you’re fucking alone when you’re lying in bed listening to sad music and need someone to admit to just how much you want to end it all - and realize there’s no one.

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You seriously wasted my time. I’m just disappointed that you proved me right

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the silence is so loud. i cant turn it off

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