securelypoliteblaze

[securelypoliteblaze]

She responded. Cool

[securelypoliteblaze]

I'm starting to believe that I'm not toxic but instead I'm just with people that gaslight me when I'm triggered and take advantage of me being disabled and not having control and I don't have boundaries and have been conditioned to accept blame during conflict

[securelypoliteblaze]

Sometimes I think about how you asked me if I was sure because you get angry and I would honestly bathe in that right now. The thought that you're so aware of it being off putting makes me sad because of how much you must have been told about it.

The other day she got off work and we had to take the couch to the dump like immediately after. She got mad at Theo for having to go to the bathroom. "Why didn't you go before we left" like ok you rushed him out the door. It's your fault. And then got mad at me when I told her to stop.

I'm scared to be with you because I'm finding I'm just reactive to other people yelling. I'm scared because you have your own feelings outside of my control and I just never want to get close enough that you getting hurt mattered. I miss having a friend that like doesn't always agree with me but understands my point. I miss hearing about your problems. I'm just daydreaming.

I miss someone that will engage with me in things I like by showing me new stuff.

I want to be with someone that actually has an interest in learning about autism.

I want someone that like wants to sleep with me and doesn't treat it like a chore because I'm sensitive

I'm sorry that I got paranoid. I never feel good and panicked. That's the scariest thing of all. Feeling alive. Having a crush. Feeling love. Just feeling something that isn't depression or anger.

It's honestly that I can't handle talking to more than one person at a time. I blamed you or my mental health or a million other things. It's just a part of me. I am shit.

I need to be with someone that understands I'll be manic like 2x a year because of anniversaries.

I need to be with someone that can handle me lashing out because I don't mean it. I'm 31 and just learning how to have boundaries and deal with feelings and it's going to take me months to be mature about it. I need someone that has that amount of love and grace because I never got it.

And in return you have my undying loyalty. I've gotten better with it. I don't cheat. Like unless it's you. I cheated on bailey with you. And Ashley. And Alyssa. And haileigh.

I wish I had the boundaries or courage to leave. I wish I had a place to go. I wish I had friends or community or family.

I wish you could hold me because it feels like she's hugging me but I'm not hugging her. It feels one sided and it's not fair or equal or real.

I wish you could hold me because it's what I want.

Again like I've tried connecting with new people but none of them have your laugh or smirk or music taste or complementing opinions or family values

None of them would send my fat ass a vid of them fucking a chair

Like only my dumb ass would get that and feel insecure about you liking me because of constant rejection

"oh no she didn't message me back so the next logical thing is to tell her husband again because im scared and selfish

I'm sorry

I hope you're ok

I wish I could be happy with you it's all I've wanted.

I've done this before when I lived in Duluth And said I should stay for the kids and it's years later and I'm still unhappy but getting by. I have sacrificed my happiness for comfort and safety.

I'm sorry

I miss you

[securelypoliteblaze]

Thinking of you

Get outta my head 🤬😭

[securelypoliteblaze]

Get outta my head

I'm losing my mind

I'm convinced the reason everything is hard is because I'm with someone that triggers me

And then I lash out

And they know they're doing it

But they won't change

I try making friends but none of them are you

I try talking to people and they're not you

[securelypoliteblaze]

Thinking about you

Just wanted to tell you I did a bunch of stuff today

Got the kids roller skates

Laundry

Dishes

Walmart

[securelypoliteblaze]

I miss you

It has to be Irrational

I have not like hung out with you in years

We just talked this year

Idk

[securelypoliteblaze]

How do I get over the trauma of my parents so I can continue my life. I'm stuck in a freeze response because I don't know if staying or leaving is "right". Fear has a chokehold on me. I hate losing stability.

I am still unwell

[securelypoliteblaze]

"why couldn't you say that stack?!"

Say what?

Hmm?

I love you.

I think about you every day.

I just want to keep you someplace safe.

And I was never gonna be here.

And I was never gonna be with me.

Never.

Never.

Bye.

[securelypoliteblaze]

Get outta my head

[securelypoliteblaze]

It's always easier to minimize my wants and needs by self sabotage and hurting people instead of being vulnerable and taking risks. I've trapped myself.

[securelypoliteblaze]

There is no escaping how I feel or who I am

Please end it

[securelypoliteblaze]

I really did fumble hard 🤓🔫

[securelypoliteblaze]

Please kill me

I'm tired of being this

I'm alone

She's just a roommate now

There's nothing left for me

It's be less trauma if I ended it than having outbursts outs being abusive

It always cycles no matter the meds or therapy

Please end me

[securelypoliteblaze]

She got a job. Shes leaving any time now.

[securelypoliteblaze]

"she's gone"

[securelypoliteblaze]

I want to be single with our kids so I can work again like I used to

And just send them money

Every month I overdraft my account