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[sehyix]

Yellow

May 1, 2023 Yellow. Look for Yellow. May 4, 2023

Yellow. Your hair is now yellow blonde. May 5, 2023

My Lucky Color: Yellow

May 6, 2023 You wore yellow to an event.

[sehyix]

April

It has been nearly 2 months since I recorded a dream with you here. The issue has been that something unexpected occurred and as such, my brain fogged and I stumbled along the path. What I can recall of our meetings in my subconscious, we've had a wild ride. Sometime between the end of March and start of April I don't know what instructions you gave me. What I do know is that they were about how our relationship was going to be moving forward and what you needed me to do next. April 2, 2023 We split up, or rather, had been split up for quite some time. You were engaged to someone else and had been with her for two years. She was quite homely and polite. Unfortunately, I could tell you weren't in love with her quite as much as she was with you. I don't know if she loved you, but it felt like she was aware that she didn't come first in your heart and just wanted to do her best to be happy. I came back around to our old stomping grounds because one of our ex-coworkers was splitting up from her abusive ex. I walked past you on your floor as you were chatting with your manager. "Oh hi You," I waved, circling round the corner to get to her desk. "Nothing serious or anything, just swinging by to look at some stuff," I explained.

I reached my old desk and searched through it to ensure I hadn't left anything behind by chance. I remember hearing your voice was slightly on guard but feeling every ounce of your attention on my back. I left as quickly as I arrived and joined her in the elevator with some of her things, but not before I heard you turn to your manager to complain I had returned. Something along the lines of a panicked ramble. "See? She's back, I always knew she'd come back! Right when I'm moving on too!" Minyong gripped your arm slightly to ground you and said, "oh no You, she's really not trying to mess with you at all by being back here. She's helping Sam out, who's leaving her abusive ex."

The truth fell on you like an ice-water bath. Your shoulders relaxed and fell back and your eyes teared up. It was this moment when you realized I truly wasn't ever coming back and that I would not be fighting for you to return to me and end your engagement. The realization snapped something deep inside you. As I was waking up, I heard you angrily crying. "We grew up together. We had plans to get married and be happy. How can she do this?" you sobbed to Minyong. It's like whatever compelled you to split up with us, be it insecurity or fear, made you pick her. The safer path, the lesser problematic or threatening for your career and societal expectations of you. And upon seeing me again, you confirmed you still loved me and that I respected you enough to let you go. Darling it has been a recurring theme in these two years that you're shocked to have your wishes respected. Of course I respect you. That is true love. Have you not experienced respect in a relationship before? April 8, 2023 Your manager liked my comment to him today. W.T.F. Sometime between April 2 and April 8, you told me to look for Yellow. You told me that it was your sign to me that you consciously knew of my existence and intended to find me. April 10, 2023 I cradle our daughter in my lap, adjust her posture and nestle her against my torso. You're deep into conversation with me about something that has been concerning you when the dream flashes into my mind. At either a cafe table or a family event, you're anxiously telling me your concerns about our daughter's privacy. I remember brushing my hand over her pitch-black wavy locks as she flapped her arms at you and you ran your fingers through your hair. You're concerned that we've brought a child into an extended family that isn't entirely supportive of our situation, our open relationship to be exact. And you want my sister to not utter a word to anyone about the paternity of our child. "Because I know there will be questions, I know they will ask (why our daughter looks like you and not my husband)," you exhale anxiously. "Well," I muse, touching you gently on the shoulder to ground you, "if you don't want her explaining that to anyone, you simply ask her not to." The solution seems so simple that I half shrug, but its effect cascades over your shoulders. You relax against me and the baby at the suggestion and go "Okay. Good." Also April 10, 2023 You post a picture of the new glasses you wear now. They're identical to mine. I know in your country, couples dress alike. Is this what we do now? "But you're not wearing yellow in this," I fire back, picture in hand and show it to your face. "I'm working on it!" you whine louder "I told you!" "I TOLD YOU YELLOW. LOOK FOR YELLOW. I promise I know who you are when I'm awake. Don't give up on us, look for yellow in my postings."

April 12, 2023 I'm looking at a computer screen that has white noise flashing on it. Colors, words, and numbers start to appear on it. A series of 8 numbers fade in that catch my attention. "Oh, if it's getting bigger and bolder I should remember it, I guess," I mumble to myself. Over the monitor and slightly out of my sight, I see you nodding at me and holding my glance. 3230-1175. May 4, May 18. Two dates and a series of 8 numbers. April 13, 2023

My fiance and I are lying down on giant beanbag chairs strewn about a villa on a rooftop in Malibu. He's fiddling with his phone as I chat with him about something, watching the pool water nearby ripple with the breeze. I see a black luxury sports car driving down the curves of a hill nearby and park at our location. Out steps you, fashionably styled and you make your way over to greet me. "Hi babe!" you cheer at me giving me a quick and tight squeeze. "Hey You," I reply against your cheek, admiring how quickly you showed up. "Well," you deadpan, "I told you it is downhill," you tease gesturing toward the hotel you were staying at. I roll my eyes in embarrassment and you giggle and walk away after greeting my fiance. We're now watching you rehearse for your performance. You look fine as hell in black from head to toe. Your friends join us shortly after and throw themselves into some chairs, allowing the ocean breeze to billow over us. We kick two of your fans out of the villa that snuck in thinking it was open to the public. I distinctly remember them side-eyeing me and glancing me up and down as I go, "Nope! Private invite only!" and shut and lock the glass door to keep them out. Your and Minhyung's security keep the other side roped off to prevent more people from trying it. I bring down two curtains over the doors to give us more privacy and Minhyung chuckles a little nervously as he watches. "Good call noona," he tells me warmly from his chair. I can't recall if I went over to ruffle his hair. The lights drop on you and the music starts and I woke up from that right as you started vocalizing.

April 15, 2023 Yellow. You wore yellow to a scheduled event.

April 23, 2023 Yellow. You put yellow in your caption on IG. I reply within 15 seconds - it was all on timing. I happened to refresh your IG and sent you some kind words. Something in me tells me you saw it. April 24, 2023 Yellow. It was a black and yellow pin you wore on your tie for a wedding.

[sehyix]

March 20, 2023

I want to formally begin this dream entry by apologizing to you. Err, dream you. Not sure which you tbh, just, sorry. In my pettiest, I can see myself doing this but I'm also not that woman anymore and... Yeah, sorry. I can't recall too many details, but I do know that you were infuriated by me by the end of it. This is a fever dream, one that came to me as a result of a tea and spicy pork bulgogi gone wrong in my gut. (I'm actually still recovering from this).

The setting was that you, Chan, Nini and Kyung were practicing for your upcoming performance. It's slated to be your first one back since your enlistment, so you were all meticulously practicing every chance you could get. Myself and some other girl dancers were also there, watching your choreographer point out mistakes and corrections. I admit that I did feel a bit worried about the performance because honey, you were not doing well. You and Chan were missing the mark, the count, the steps. I think I saw one of you accidentally step on the other. Kyung and Nini were being very patient with you but the sweat on their faces and their heavy breathing and concerned looks spelled otherwise. I think the combination of the heat - fuck if I know why you guys were rehearsing outside at my high school's football field - the mistakes, the anxiety from the company's issues, the show nerves, and the yelling was overwhelming you. Not that you'd lash out from it, of course, but I could sense how close you were to losing your anchor that was keeping you afloat. The one telling you that you do want this, you do want to continue being an artist and performer, and that 1.5 years offstage wasn't career suicide. Here's the part where I'm a wank. Myself and the other dancers were casually following along, playfully mouthing off the lyrics but we also were doing the moves correctly. At one point, the choreographer exasperatedly turned to me and told me, "go and show them the right steps yeah? Cause this isn't working." His outburst was also an "are you seeing this?!" moment as he waved his hand at you and Chan's nth mistake and I nodded cautiously and went, "yeah, that's not how the step goes at all guys." I think you must have seen red. I turned to face away from you guys and started to show the step you were messing up on, pairing with the other girl I was chatting with to show you guys where your footing and placements were off. I don't know who started it, but a little banter and teasing came out and she turned and said, "oh don't you have another group to go watch next Friday?" I smirked and joked along, "Yeah, I do actually. Much better dancers, they're also younger too so that helps. Their rapper? Fire. You wouldn't know he was only supposed to rap. No mistakes ever when dancing, NOR when he's rapping his flows."

I felt you explode internally with rage and jealousy.

I suppose my dream version's idea was to make you jealous enough to where you'd prove me wrong. Such a toxic thing to think and do. Especially since I was also attacking all of you for having gotten older too. The flush from the rage turned you red and your jaw locked, it also prompted me to wake up in a state of confusion. Why dream me did that, I'll just never fully get. What a bitch.

[sehyix]

March 16, 2023

The spirits have repeatedly told me two things over the past two years: A) Yes, this is absolutely real. (and to please, "Stop fucking asking about it over and over already.") B) You have some shit you need to work through before you can ever reach out to me. Specifically, career shit. Sure, other love trauma and such too, but very clear and loudly, it has always been career shit. So when the headlines blew up that your employer was literally imploding in on itself, I barely raised a brow. This is what they must have been talking about. It's been a wild few weeks of shit talking and throwing on both sides. I can't imagine how this must be concerning you and all your coworkers. To see suspicions come to fruition and out in the open, have to process the emotional rollercoaster, and the uncertainty of the future of your career. I won't ever try to place myself before you and your calling. I tend to be a bit simple in that regard, all I ask is for the basics and privacy. I won't tell you to leave your career but I will be the first to be like "bitch just step up and tell them to fuck off! Remind them who you are and how much they make off your labor and talent." You should know I'm combative AF if I'm angry - at least you'd gathered this from the dreams I have had, if you also had the same ones too.

There goes another rambling. Anyway, this is all based on what you said and showed us this morning during your live. Darling, you look positively ghastly. You wear your emotions on your sleeve and I feel like I can see right through you. You only meet up with Hun when you can't sleep and life is overwhelming you. Your dark circles are becoming so prominent.

I tut as I read through all the translations for your live and the Angels tell me, "it's definitely stress related. To be honest, it's not just the agency, it's also his confusion in trying to find you." Great. Great. I'm thrilled to hear that you've been staying awake wondering about the girl that appears in your dreams and hallucinations /s. Listen, if I could reach out to you and be successful, I would to make it easier on you. But the circumstances are just not fit for that to happen. I just want you to sleep. Like, I get it that you're turning the thought of calling me over and over in your head, but please sleep darling. I have answers but no way to communicate them to you right now. The answers will come. Just, please sleep.

[sehyix]

March 1, 2023

I'm shaking my damp hands dry when a poster to my right catches my eye in the hallway outside of the bathroom. Outside of my control, which tends to happen frequently when I'm deeply in denial of the signs and dreams, my legs and feet stop me in front of a flyer advertising round trip deals to your country. They felt like they were filled with lead and my neck jerked in the direction of the poster. It's quite the impressive deal, all inclusive for a week, from the local international airport that I just so happen to live fairly close to. I scoff internally and watch my hands reach into my pockets to pull out my phone and snap a picture. I send it to a friend and she immediately goes, "let's go together! Come with me on my trip in April!" She's on her way to go see you and your brothers perform. I sigh and remind her that it's not in the cards for me at the moment, not when I'm so close to debt freedom (and I don't tell her that I'm totally too chicken to see you). She laments it but I sigh with relief inside. I just - I'm still struggling with believing the signs because this is so surreal, so absurd, and so illogical. I couldn't possibly spend that much to go out there, see you on stage, and still not have any contact with you. and what if that is all that this is?! and what if you don't have a clue who i am or what is happening to me

Again, what the hell is it that I want exactly? Validation. I need validation. That it's you and you are experiencing me too, even in this odd way in our sleep. I bookmark in my head that I should tell my friend that does know about this situation and walk away from the ad. It's been almost a month since I took that picture and I just read it over again. Yeah, I still have the picture. And yes, I did send it to that friend and she yelled that this is a sign too. I'd rather just have the validation from you.

[sehyix]

February 28, 2023

I'm walking alongside you and a group of your friends in and out of a few buildings in your country. I distinctly remember exiting out of one hall, which led to a landing that overlooked the city below, and turning to glance at the group. You're immersed in discussion with a few of the boys from work and you look so divine. The sunshine is bright and strong and it catches the shine of your hair and gleam in your eyes beautifully. I only indulge in the view briefly because I immediately turned back to the door in front of me and reached out to open it. Our group shuffles in, and I miss what I tell a few of the boys in the group and the tallest helps me hold the door open and ushers me in. "Go on noona," Suhyoon tells me, his arm well overhead of me as he smiles down politely. You glance at me and a smile frames your face as you follow in behind me. We enter a room that I can only guess was for rehearsals of some sort. There is some dust floating, reflecting in the sunshine bearing in through the window, resembling flickering stars in the daylight. The boys start locating chairs and sitting down in a circle surrounding you, conversation still healthy and animated. I remember hearing the door close behind Suhyoon and his long legs strode him close to Yuno, who offered him a chair with a wave of his hand and nod.

As I remember and write this next piece of the dream, I curse myself a bit. In true fashion to my upbringing, romantic affection is not something I am comfortable showing and displaying around others. I had been standing next to you and started walking away, turning to ask you something in confirmation and you nod. Of course I'd walk away from you in close quarters and act nonchalant. Romantic affection is not something I just do openly around others, especially around the people in your life that could judge me especially because I'm still also engaged to my fiance while dating you too and this is public knowledge in your circles.

And it's not that any of the four of them have any ill thoughts or concerns or ill will towards me, but my anxiety swears they do. It poisons my mind with thoughts that they'll mock me on the spot because of my affection and audacity to be with you and my fiance too. Min, Yong, Suhyoon and Yuno have treated me with endearment and acceptance as your girlfriend and love of your life. Min and Yong have been extra sweet, with Min often stepping in to translate cultural differences or words that I still struggle with. This too, I download after I experience the dream. The dreams are so rich with backstory to each person in the dream, even if they have hardly any interaction with me at all.

True to your fashion and how you treat me in the dreams (except those where you dumped me, of course) you could give a rat's ass about what anyone thinks. Your hand reaches out to catch my wrist as I turn to walk away to gather myself a chair and I feel myself pulled down onto your lap. My heart races a little quicker at the show of affection and intimacy. You just have this way of claiming ownership of me as your girlfriend and showing everyone that you are my boyfriend. Your arm wraps around my waist securely, and you spread yourself open a bit more to accommodate my weight on your thigh. The others are unbothered and continue the conversation regarding their work schedules and current plans for the near future. As their senior, they love discussing their ideas with you for your guidance, and you're happy to provide feedback. Your warm honey voice bounces against my back in response to something Yuno and Suhyoon just mentioned when the alarm wakes me for work.

I continue to be left at a loss for words. I know I must sound insane to the person reading this. I genuinely have no logical reasoning to why the dreams continue this way. And to be honest, I feel guilty for them. Like I should deny my soul this wish because it's not logical and insanely parasocial at best. But if I don't stand up for myself and my soul's wishes, who will? If they ever end, I'll wrap this journal up. I'll mourn the end of this - whatever this is - and move on as best as possible, but, how can I fight back against what The Universe itself is revealing to me?

[sehyix]

February 21, 2023

An acquaintance of mine placed an order for your favorite perfume scent and showed me the details for it. I had promised myself not to get too deep or too far in any delusion, but as I read the notes of it, the base and accents, I knew I had to try one for myself. It's such a curious and complex mixture of smells that I couldn't resist buying it just to see how the master perfumer had pulled it off. When it arrived, I hesitated to open it. I worried that if I did, I was just allowing myself to sink deeper into this whatever this is and I would probably not be able to get myself out. And yet, I'm just so tired of trying to do the "right thing" when you continue to reach out to me regardless of my resistance, that I carefully removed the box set out of the mailer and tore the plastic open.

The presentation was so elegant and beautiful, just like my memories of you when I replay my dreams. It was a very luxurious experience and I couldn't help but smirk to myself, thinking, 'Of course you'd choose this for yourself.' It would be like you to indulge yourself in these kind of pleasures and especially pleasures of this caliber. It's just so like you. And even though I do admit I did enjoy that knowledge, I also felt that I was toying with the border of this parasocial relationship and making things up, perhaps. After all, how much can I actually expect to know you from two years of dreaming? Just do it! I heard in my head. My soul can be so damn bossy. YOLO! The moment I inhaled the scent, my senses filled with you. Every fiber of my being yelled at me and clawed at the longing the scent filled me with. I know you, I recognize this scent as you. The longing was nostalgic, as if my entire being was going "THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN MISSING. THE OWNER OF THIS SCENT. THE BEARER OF THIS SMELL IS THE PIECE OF ME I AM MISSING." I physically ached in that moment for you and my mind flashed memories of you that I have yet to live. A vision rose up through the adrenaline , in which you were holding me tightly against your chest in the privacy of your bedroom. Your hair resting over my shoulder blade, your nose buried against my head, your arms wrapped around me from behind. Your smell, the one I currently held in my hands, surrounded us in our embrace as we both breathed in softly and peacefully. If it wasn't for the cats, my job notifications, my texts, I would have sunk deeper into the vision but they all snapped me back into my body. Damn this scent, it is so delicious. I'm thoroughly fucked, aren't I? I mean, even if you don't call and this never develops from here, I love you deeply and there isn't any going back from there now. I'm fucked.

[sehyix]

February 13, 2023

I'm watching what appears to be a commercial for your agency's attempt at a company-wide summer merch drop. I know I saw some of your coworkers hop out of a set that was supposed to resemble a sandy beach, along with umbrella and beach ball. Your ex hops into frame now, wearing a top that's completely unflattering and pulled out of the 70s. For a woman that has that physique, the last thing she needed was a halter that covered all of her torso but yet she's wearing generic red bikini bottoms and flip flops. Someone either tosses her a beach ball off frame or she happens to have one in hand as the camera zooms into her face. She's waving it around as she starts reciting her lines in a high pitched voice. The way she's acting right now, she looks and sounds like a cartoon. I cringe internally as my sleep is interrupted by my cat walking over my head trying to wake me up. I brush him off and manage to slip right back to sleep and continue the dream. This time, idk what I've been ranting about in particular but I know that it was related to the commercial and how goofy your ex was dressed and acting. I'm in bed, lying on my left side and you're kneeling near my feet, watching me as you listen to me rant. "I don't know!" I wail, throwing my hand in the air. Whatever it is I claim I don't know, I have no idea what it was. Your face warps and you straighten upright in surprise at my confession. "You don't know?" you ask me slyly, tutting as you pull me towards you, your lips forming into a pout. Your right arm hooks under my thighs as you pull me down, closing the gap between us, your left arm propping you up over me. Your eyes turn dark and mischievous as you continue tutting, pressing the back of my thighs against yours, as your left hand fiddles with your erection. You tut once more as you line yourself up and I can't recall if you mumbled another "you don't know?" or not. But the energy was "you're about to find out," and right before you press in, I'm woken up by a loud, "HALLO?!" My cat is back on his shit and I'm not a fan. FAFO did not happen for me this time, yet I'm curious to see what will happen in the next dream. But holy shit, that finally happened. I can't believe it finally did.

[sehyix]

February 9, 2023

I am going into this day knowing that there is a huge weight in my heart and my mind. My guardian angel's birthday is today, and seeing as he's my angel, he's no longer sharing space with us on Earth. I share this because of the location of this dream. It's his hometown, an area that I wish I could live in but couldn't afford without striking it rich. That house that we were driving towards in the last dream? It's in this one now. I live in it with my partner. It's a gorgeous modern house. Glass paneled walls, black frame molding, beautifully tiled flooring and stone pillars. To the side of it is a detached garage to match, with a beautiful luxury vehicle inside. It resembles a showroom and is certainly out of my budget. Across the street, a new set of neighbors move in. This dream spans a few days, as my partner and I are aware of new neighbors and have watched them moving in across the way for a couple days now. We decide not to disturb you all so that you can make yourselves comfortable first and foremost. On the third or fourth morning of you living there, our friend and neighbor walks up to me. My morning ritual with my partner is to tidy up our front yard area, brew some tea and drink it outside to enjoy the sunrise. My partner's gone back inside to take a call when my neighbor walks up to me with you and a woman I don't recognize.

He tells me that you're the new neighbors that moved in a few days ago and we all make small talk. I know the woman lives with you, but I think it was more of a work situation and she was your translator assistant, than anything else. You shyly grin at me when my eyes land on you and I smile at you as you're introduced to me. They tell me that you've all been settling in and observing us and were fascinated with the house. "It's beautiful!" she tells me excitedly and I offer you all a tour.

As I explain the house design and what we do for a living that gives us the budget to afford it, your ears and nose are pink. They tell me that you too, also have quite a formidable job back in your country, and were a fan of the house. I acknowledge it and congratulate you on your success, and your lips disappear behind your teeth for a moment. I can tell what's happening faster than they can, and boy, do you have a deep crush on me. Your hands creep into your pockets and you nod politely at me through the language barrier. We have a bit of exchange in regards to the house and decor and all. You're flirting with me as you compliment everything. The lighting, the furniture, the car, the color scheme, etc. Man, can you flirt!

The alarm goes off as we make our way over to the garage to look at the car. They tell me you have a thing for fine, luxury vehicles. As I get ready for work and replay this dream in my head, I think to myself, of course he's into luxury vehicles. His collection of cars so far has been impressive! A week later, you'll subtly show off your newest addition - a silver Porsche 911 Turbo S with cream colored light interior. Did you know that yellow was my favorite color because your seat belts match it. Did you know that this looks strikingly similar to the car of the first dream?

[sehyix]

February 8, 2023

You, or The Universe or Angels or Spirits, or whoever it is that is running this show, told me I had to step back and let you steer. That I had to trust you and release my need for control. Fine, I think angrily, just fine. It's been weighing on my head all damn day at work. I'm sitting in my bed when I get your Bubble. You're telling us that you miss us and want to hear our voices. I chuckle a bit because you really know how to work your parasocial relationships. I shake my head when I get pinged by Twitter. The notification tells me that you started a live space, and I dumbfoundedly glitch. You found a way to hear our voices, holy shit you're doing this right now. I smash the button to join your space and my body gets covered in cold sweat. I refuse to actually ask to speak with you, but I listen to you chat with fans like old pals and flirt a little with a few. I'm mainly just in shock that this is actually fucking happening the way it's happening. But I sure as hell am not touching that unmute option.

This for now, is enough.

Sure, sure, for now it's enough.

I let you drive and this is what you do on the first day. Holy fuck.

[sehyix]

February 7, 2023

The car lurches a bit as you throw it in park and I raise my head to look at the house we are stopped in front of. This is another classic convertible, very similar to the car that was in the first dream that started all of this. This one has a cream interior, matching dash and steering wheel, just like the first did, but the model is more rectangular and a gorgeous shade of emerald green. I can hear the doors creak as we exit the car and as we make our way up the driveway to the front door. Without looking behind you, you set the alarm on the car as you nervously eye the front door. "Are you sure we can just go inside?" you ask me as I fiddle with the handle. "Yes," I reply, "she (our realtor) told us we can go in ahead because it's ready for a walk-through. So the owners aren't going to be here and we are free to roam wherever we need." The house itself is a two-story colonial, reminiscent of the homes in the Gardens of New Orleans, or something pulled out of an American Horror Story season set in the South. It's cushioned by two much larger mansions, expansive greenery and trees, and surrounded by other stately mansions across the street. The house itself, however, doesn't seem warm. In fact, from the moment we arrived at the front door, neither of us felt comfortable or excited anymore. I push open the door, a large grayish black that contrasts against the white pillars framing the entryway to the house and we step inside. The flooring on the bottom is hardwood - not laminate, and the areas are divided by carpet flooring and rugs set down throughout the layout. We quietly walk through the first floor, and I try desperately to picture how we could make this space our first home but I'm failing. You aren't too far behind me as we carefully make our way around, when you ask, "and you're sure we're allowed to be here?"

I don't know now if I imagined it as I'm writing down the dream or not, but I swear I could have heard creaking upstairs. "Yes," I tell you brightly, I'm not sure why we're both extremely nervous and anxious here. It feels like we're being observed. We make our way up the staircase a little faster than I anticipated. We had decided to meet with our realtor here but were going to kill time exploring freely while she made her way over. At this rate, we've been here maybe 5 minutes before our bodies were screaming "LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE." The top of the staircase narrowed so much so, that you had to follow behind me as I continued talking. "She said that it's staged for the walk-through," I repeat, "so anything that is closed off, we just simply won't go through?" My statement ends with more of a question because at the top of the stairs, we are met with four bedrooms. The first two in front of us have the doors locked shut. To the far right, wrapped behind the staircase, there is a small, open room with visible bookshelves. To the far left of us is, what we assumed, the master bedroom. My breathing has gotten a little more difficult, the air is much thinner. I grip the key to the front a little more tightly and turn back to give you a glance. Your body was reading composure but your eyes were reading, "there's something weird going on here." I blink at you, glad we are both feeling the same thing. Nonetheless, we enter the master and immediately are assaulted by the sharp smell of cat urine. The room and carpet are spotless, however. Some furniture is in here as staging. There is a window facing the street, and behind us, a large closet and bathroom. As I turn to look at everything in the room, I feel the hair on the back of my neck standing up. I can't help but feel that we're being watched right now and whoever it is, is gauging our reactions to the house. I turn to look at you to confirm if you're smelling what I'm smelling and you nod, wordlessly. One look from you tells me we're getting the hell out of here, STAT.

You grab my hand and lead the way down and out of the house, as composed as you possibly can be, while we both hold our breaths. The smell and feeling of being watched were so intense, you rush us past our car and straight out onto the sidewalk, right outside the gate. I start taking a deep breath, dissimulatingly looking at the other houses and smiling at the people out and about while you're still rushing about, maintaining your composure as best as you can. I'll be honest, I think I glance back at the house and that bedroom and didn't see anyone, but the feeling was still there - that someone's eyes were on my shoulders. I turn back to you and you, in a way that only happens with dream logic, have whipped out a motorcycle from your coat.

It's compact, so as you unfold it, it resembles a mangled bicycle that a semi ran over. "Alright now, come on," you tell me when it's fully laid out, turning the engine on. I guess dream logic was just going to inflate it and turn it 3D? But I gather myself and sit on the seat behind you, as memory scrambles to tell me, there's no way this folded paper-looking motorcycle is safe, much less ready to be ridden on. And it is also telling me what to do. Get on the seat behind him, hold onto his waist, don't move too much because he has to balance and steer as he drives. Don't let whoever might be in that house notice you're both freaking out. Composure, calm. Okay. Smile at your husband. Don't let the back of your legs touch the exhaust or the tires or anything either. Alright, you got this.

You rev the engine once I'm sitting behind you and I whip my phone out to - get this, watch your group's latest YouTube video and read the comments. In my panicked state, my attempt to conceal our freak out was to watch YouTube on the back of a moving motorcycle. My logic brain though, tells me to stop acting insane if we were trying to make a clean getaway and grab onto you. "Oh yeah," I hear myself mutter as the wind starts to pick up and blow against me. My arms and hands reach around your waist and onto the handlebars. You gently, but worriedly chuckle and call behind you, "Uh, babe, I've got this. Let me do it." The bike is almost fully 3D and upright now, but the moment I try to steer, the back wheel begins to wobble as if the frame is warped. "I know, I know," I retort, whining against your back, "but I feel better if I control it." You scoff and scold me gently but firmly, "babe you have to let go and let me drive!" That last phrase snaps me out of it and logic begins to set in. I painstakingly release my grip on the handlebars and slowly pull my arms back to wrap around your waist. It feels like the longest hour of my life doing this. My arms ache and feel like they'll explode, my hands and elbows cramp at the loss of contact. My fear protests against me stepping back and letting you drive. I suppress a sob as I put my face against your back and hold you closely. The wheel is suddenly magically perfect and the motorcycle resembles a brand new bike, apt for riding and travel. You sigh in relief and contentedly drive onward to the other house we were going to look at - the one we were both more excited for, that was nestled against the California coastline. The realization of you telling me to let go weighs heavily on my mind as I wake up for work. You telling me I have to let you drive, that I have to let go, that I have to trust you, it all hits me like a bus. The way the motorcycle only worked to get us to safety, and our dream home, when you steered it was loud and clear. I cannot allow my denial and fear to run this show anymore. I have to trust that you've got this. I have to let it go and have faith in you, more than faith in my fear.

[sehyix]

February 3, 2023

I wish I could say this was a dream. The intensity of it, and the fact that my partner confirmed that I was awake for this, tells me it absolutely wasn't. I'm lying down in bed when I feel my eyes glaze over and my lungs struggling to breathe. In the most descriptive way I can possibly explain this sensation, I feel oxygen bubbles bubbling throughout my lungs and throat. My breathing turns ragged and I think I can feel some pinpricks and pressure over my heart but I'm still aware and awake of what's happening. I know this because my brain is yelling "WHY CAN'T I BREATHE? WHAT IS HAPPENING? STAY AWAKE AND ALIVE." My fight or flight mode is fighting to get me out of this situation but my body is not responding to its commands. Fighting is futile.

My head is now starting to hurt a bit from the pressure, when I start to hear ragged breathing that is not my own. At first, I thought I was imagining it, but as I focus on the sound of that breathing, it becomes loud and clear. I can see someone tossing and turning in a bed, slightly out of focus of my eyes - as if I was watching this on a television from a distance zoomed out. That's when I realize my breathing has relaxed and all the pressure has dissipated. As I turn to look at the individual kicking their bed sheets around, I feel myself pulled out of my own body and into their bedroom. I know this room, I think to myself, it's Yours. And as wild as this ride has been, and as much as I want a conclusion to this ongoing trip, I freeze in my own skin. I don't want to get closer to your bed, I don't want to walk, I don't want you to notice I'm there. Not that I'm physically there, but you get the idea. I hold my breath and blink, hoping this gets me out of this very intimate and private situation, and I'm standing at your bedside when my eyes open. I hear you mid-conversation in your sleep, groaning and arguing with someone. You're frustrated and disappointed at whatever it is they just informed you of, when you loudly go, "no no! This simply won't do! I want her now. GIVE HER TO ME NOW!" Your chest heaves as you yell out and toss around agitated. Your back arches, your legs are tangled in your comforter and sheets but your hands reach out to grab and rip them off. You're wearing matching gray sweater and joggers, and the joggers aren't doing a good job of hiding your erection. "Me. I want you now!" I froze when you shouted out for me. I am sorry that there isn't anything I could have done in that moment to help you. I was hardly corporeal as it were. I could feel my own hands trembling, my breathing shallow, and my back drench in cold sweat at the mention of my name. Your hand flies up to your erection and you squeeze it and moan, head falling back down against your bed. I had to turn away at the sight. The last thing I'd ever want is to invade your privacy in this manner. When I come to back into my body, I grip my fiance's arms and shake him. "CAN YOU SEE ME? IS THIS REAL? WHERE WE ARE AT, IS THIS REAL LIFE?" I ask him as I shake him and myself back and forth. "Yes honey, it is, why?" he replies, concerned at my behavior and the paleness in my face. I immediately tell him what happened in detail and he gasps. He confirms that I was not asleep at any moment and this entire projection lasted maybe 2 or 3 minutes at most. For extra security, I text my best friend and confidante and ask her if she can read and reply to my text. She immediately responds and demands to know what I'm panicking over and I tell her. She's floored, I'm floored, he's floored.

A few nights later, you'll confess that you've been struggling with respiratory illnesses that you're still in the process of recovering from. I can't even deal with you anymore...

... much less deny this is happening to me.

[sehyix]

January 11, 2023

I'm sharing intimate things about you to my mom, it's something I never do. I'm showing her my mini collection of you and there is a small TV on playing videos of you as you perform. I excitedly tell her how you used to be so frail and weak because of how hard you were being worked by your agency but that you'll be returning from the military a lot healthier and stronger. She nods and muses, "Well I'm glad that he's coming back healthy and strong. But don't get TOO wrapped up into him or them alright?" She tells me this just as you're ripping your shirt open during a stage on tour and my heart shatters into pieces. I wake and turn in my bed, ignoring her voice saying, "they're just using you because you're naive and trusting," as I fall asleep.

This time, your best friends are visiting me at my parents' house, dressed up as my favorite era for your group. Dae's wearing contacts and his red leather suit, Yeol is wearing pink hair dye in his hair and a white contact in his eye. They came to check up on me because they sensed I needed reinforcement and was lonely. I'm not sure if it was a scenario in which we have split up and they are still my friends in spite of that. But that's what the energy tells me. My mother isn't having it though, she purposely keeps me busy during the entire time they are there during their layover so I can't spend it with them. She and my dad keep them secluded to their garage outside and keep me busy inside the house.

At one point, I finally finish and wash my hands and she gives me an intimidating glare as she walks back inside. She's smug and satisfied but warning me not to get close to them. "Sorry G," Yeol tells me apologetically, giving me a sad smile, "but we got to go now." I whine, asking if them being dressed up as the evil versions of themselves means I'll see it on tour soon and Dae gives me a quizzical "not a chance" look. In other words, they dressed up as their alter egos for me since I'll never see them like that again. "Gotta catch the flight back to Seoul," Yeol tells me placing his hand on my shoulder, "maybe next time." I wake up feeling worse than ever. Why is my mother telling me to stay the fuck away from you and why is my body listening?

[sehyix]

January 4, 2023

It's a massive arena, almost filled to the brim with your fans. We are in the states and you guys have just walked onto the stage and greeted the crowd. The crowd is insane, it's the loudest I have ever heard a stadium - barring a sports arena for a game. I'm sitting in nosebleeds and can see the entire stadium cheering for all of you. Myeon's eyes are watering and my skin covers in goosebumps. You and Myeon wanted me to experience what a show is like and I chose to sit back in nosebleeds to A) not give away that I'm dating you and B) get the entire experience at once. I promise you my country is dying for you all to come here and I am ready to go to a show as your fiance or girlfriend in real life.

[sehyix]

December 9, 2022

We're walking around what appears to be an apartment unit. It's bathed in bright but warm, yellow light. You have shown me the kitchen and your hand is sliding over the granite tile as you explain something to me. I ask you about it for clarity and understanding as your other hand is waving at the wall opposite us. We are not a couple in this moment. We are just two people that have had this strange ebb and flow for almost two years now. And out of respect for your boundaries, I have been very business casual and about it and kept my distance. Your fingers twitch when I ask you the question - which escapes me from the moment I woke up - and you start answering, "Yes, yes or-" You turn and grab me firmly but gently by both arms and pull me up to your face. "I could finally just ask you straight to your face to go out with me." I gasp and my eyes widen as you look straight down at my lips for an answer. Like - fuck all the subliminals and the fear and confusion and going back and forth, let's just do this fucking thing already. I wake up before I could answer because one cat is rattling the door to get out of the room and the other is walking over our heads asking for snuggles. I threw a pillow at her out of frustration. It took you long enough to ask me out, you heathen.

[sehyix]

November 24, 2022

I dream with you again, but it's so brief I cannot recall the details of it. I'm not sure why the dreams are picking up again but it's not the first of a few flash moment dreams with your face in them.

[sehyix]

November 21, 2022

I'm the quality control auditor for a higher-education institution that trains professionals in specialized careers - like becoming idols or managing high-risk portfolios at financial banks and corporations. I'm walking through a warehouse to find one of the trainees that recently debuted over the last few weeks and coach him for his behavior. He debuted rather quickly and was wildly successful, but the institution felt that he was acting too cheeky and flirty, too fast. He's unloading boxes from a delivery and stacking them in a different area - it's something all trainees are required to continue working while they finish school. The girl he's flirting with books it when she sees me walk up with my clipboard.

I tell him that he's being warned about how he was acting overly flirty and goofy during the last broadcast his group had recently had, and that he needs to remember he's still new. He's intimidated by me but still a little aloof about it, and upon seeing the look on my face stops chuckling. "Noonim," he starts with a little bow, "I apologize for upsetting you all with my behavior. The thing is that I was looking up to You-hyung and emulating him because he's really popular with the fans that way. I assumed I could do it (flirt with the girls) because, You-hyung senior does it quite often and he's been goofy since he debuted." He brings you up directly because it's somewhat known that we are a couple, and possibly appealing to my jealousy? But I'm not deterred nor entirely sure if he knew that we were dating.

"You can't compare yourself to the peers that came before you. I'm aware that You is very popular for being a goofball and making that his charm but you are not him. You're also brand new and haven't built up the reputation to back up your behavior. So make sure you're acting right for the future. You'll know when it's alright for you to let loose. Now clean up this mess and get back to work." I point around to the mess of boxes that he should have had cleaned up but was busy flirting on the clock over. He bows in apology and gets to work. I make my way over across campus to meet up with the Dean and walk into his office. I tell him what the trainee has told me about emulating you and the Dean's look is grim. "Well then, You also needs to be spoken to," he tells me, glancing at me above his spectacles. Again, undeterred because this is my fucking job and I'm a professional, I nod. "I absolutely agree with that," I tell him wholeheartedly. He's staring me down with a "that's your man but I need you to do what I hired you for" look. He nods in acceptance and I bow my head to take my leave. You're more trouble than you realize, I think to myself.

Outside the building, I walk down the steps to shoo some students that were dawdling from getting to their class. They panic and run off at the sight of me as I notate the time off the clock tower in the distance. Your chuckling reaches my ears first from behind me before you try to wrap your arms around me and I stop you with a look. "Oooh, that looked so cute and powerful how people fear and listen to you," you compliment me and flash me a lopsided smile. "And you too, I've gotten complaints about you and taking your goofing off too far. Don't think you're getting off the hook just because I'm dating you. I have a career and reputation to uphold. Us isn't going to affect that," I scold you and you pout. "Okay babe," you whine, "how can I help?" I tell you to come with me to audit my next assignment so you can see how I work, and specifically learn what I'm looking for and how I guide and discipline the company's students and graduates. You happily agree to hang out with me this way and dress up in your finest business suit. We make our way over to a bank just off-campus that services the university and high-risk clients. Before we enter, you crack a joke about how you probably couldn't convince them that you were a business suit & tie professional and I give you a death glare, stopping you in your tracks. "Follow my lead, stay quiet, and don't make any jokes," I tell you before we enter.

The alarm goes off as I'm chatting with one of our graduates, that so happens to be a witch and was telling me about the real inner corruption and workings of the bank. You were standing behind her wide-eyed that no one there questioned your authenticity or credentials as she dropped bomb after bomb about the bank's secrets.

Hours later, my friend that met Dae in real life while I was dreaming this with you, tells me he asked her if she was in Mexico. Neither of us understand where that comes from, but seeing as I'm Latina my alarms are flashing off. Maybe it was a mistake? Maybe it was a coincidence? At this point, I don't even know anymore.