seif749-blog - Tumblr blog

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Hahahahaha physiological well-being is so close to death it's ridiculous

Here are the ages you peak at everything throughout life

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This is too cute

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Hey.

So ummm, I’ve made a decision about this blog. It’s a decision I feel I’m going to go back on because I’m me but I hope I stick with it.

I’m not going to write here when I’m depressed.

I’m done using this place as an outlet. I don’t want to be negative anymore.

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4 am thought.

If I die right now, I'll be happy knowing that I died happy and with no regrets. I'm trying to think of things I regret but I literally can't think of anything. I am extremely fucking happy. This is rare so I will enjoy it until the very moment that it ends. Fuck, I hope that moment never comes. FUCK, I'm happy!!!

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Am I Okay? No. I Am Not.

It's been a while, right? I see that as a good thing. You see, I tend to write when I'm emotional which is weird because I feel like the exact opposite of emotional right now. I feel...nothing. I'm not happy, I'm not sad, I'm not angry and I'm not...me. Is this the next phase of depression? I don't know. I also don't care.

See what I'm talking about?

I don't know who I am anymore. I am seriously messed up. The only emotion I feel right now is fear. What am I afraid of? Everything. I'm afraid of growing up, I'm afraid of losing my friends. I'm just...scared.

I've ignored a couple of texts today. First off, I barely get any texts. So for me to ignore the ones I do get is just so unlike me. If you have ever texted me, you know I either reply instantly or if I reply late, I apologize and tell you the reason why I replied late. I don't ignore texts. I don't reply late and act like it's okay for me to reply whenever the fuck I want like a lot of people do. Those texts haven't been opened yet because I don't want to be cold or say the wrong thing to those people. Which is so fucking weird because I replied to my good friends today and I came off as cold but I don't want to reply to people that I don't know/don't like that much. I guess on the inside, I feel like my friends are used to my bullshit now so they know I'm going through something and they'll just brush it off or be supportive.

But will they do that?

See? This is where the fear stems from. I don't want lose people. Sorry. I don't want to lose my friends. What about family? Couldn't care less. I chose my friends and they chose me. I didn't choose my family. I'm stuck with them and I hate it.

Ah, choice. What a beautiful thing.

To have a choice is to have freedom. Freedom is something I do not have. I was born in a country I hate, I was born into a religion I honestly just would rather not follow, I was born into a family that will not accept me for who I am if they do find that out one day. There is no choice in the matter. It's all decided for me. It's just up to me to try and change it from now on.

Normally I wouldn't have typed out half the shit you just read but like I said, I'm emotionless now. I don't care anymore. Have my heart. Have my soul. It's out there for everyone to see now.

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I'm scared.

Can I tell you a little bit about these past couple of months? I'm currently scared shitless and I feel like a recap is needed to see what's wrong with me. I don't remember exactly what triggered it, but it happened around October. Overwhelming sadness and uncontrollable anger. I wasn't getting into fits of rage or anything like that, it's just that stupid shit that would usually just annoy me briefly would anger me and ruin my whole day. I was depressed. I was listening to sad, angry music that only helped heighten this mood and I was in. I was only feeding the beast more. This shit carried on until the 1st of December. You see, my grandmother, a person who I loved very much and miss more than I've ever missed anyone in my life, passed away on the 1st of December 2008. When I was 9. Cancer. She passed at a time when I was being bullied daily and was already broken as a human being. So you can imagine what that did to me. All I can say is I was soulless for a couple of months. I digress. When the anniversary of her death comes around I'm usually sad. But given the hole I was trying to dig myself out of at the time, it was so much worse. It was a Thursday. I had school. To be honest, I don't remember much of that school day so I must've been pretty quiet. No one noticed because it's the norm. I'm what they call "the mysterious quiet kid". I went back home and slept the day away while thinking about grandma. I was a mess. January, February, March, April. These 4 months sucked. They really, really sucked. March was when I contemplated suicide. No one knows but I was so done with everything at that point. January had the stress of applying for university. February was awesome at the beginning but then the rest of it was hell. April was the birthday I wish never came because I turned 18. I don't want to grow up. May and June came with their stress due to exams and I was just about done with life then too. But after the exams were over, I just felt empty. Emotionless. Deprived of all thought and emotion and I didn't know why… Why am I telling you this? Well. I've been insanely happy for the past two weeks. Like, I don't even fucking remember the last time I've been happy. Problem is, I don't feel like things are gonna stay like that for long. You see, I woke up today feeling like I had an oh-too-familiar weight on my shoulders. Yeah, I might've fallen down that damn hole again… --------------------------------------------- Sorry for the sloppy writing. This is just raw emotion spilling out of me. Unfiltered.

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I was scared. Now I'm happy.

When I was 11 I had a thought and that thought stuck with me ever since. That thought sparked a million other thoughts and one of those millions of thoughts was that I am afraid of growing up. The thought that sparked that plethora of thoughts was "When I'm 18 and allowed to drive, will I be listening to the same music I'm listening to now?" The answer to that question is no. I don't listen to the same stuff. And that's okay. When I had this thought, I was mainly listening to Evanescence, David Guetta, Skillet and whatever was popular at the time like Katy Perry or stuff like that. I still listen to Skillet albeit not nearly as much as before. Maybe once every month or so and even then it's only when it's on shuffle. I don't actively go out of my way to listen to it. Nowadays, when I'm driving, either Green Day, Twenty One Pilots or Panic! At The Disco that are on. Every now and then maybe a Guns N Roses song will sneak into the mix but that'll be it. I'm fine with that. In fact, I'm more than fine with that. Sure, my music taste kinda changed but that's part of life, right? Change is good. 11 year old me didn't think so. I was a person that heavily followed routines and hated change. I played the same games everyday, I listened to the same playlist unshuffled (ew), I watched the same shit and went to the same places. That is a nightmare for me now. I love to try new things everyday. New songs, new YouTubers, new comedians, new series, new food, visit new places and walk with absolutely no purpose apart from discovering new places. I loathe routines now. That is a good thing. Life is interesting now. Life is fun. I get to think more about things daily even if those things I think about sometimes are wrong to think about or they plummet me down black holes but it's still healthy to think about them because… well… I don't know why now that I think about it.

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#thisgeneration

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I am an idiot.

I am so done with it all. I had one job. Legitimately one fucking job and I messed this up. You see, today is my last ever exam. In fact, that exam is in 4 hours. 4 hours and high school is over. I made a promise to myself to stay up all night and study because this is the last time I’ll ever do it in high school so I might as well do it right. Me being the absolute perfect person that I am, I fell asleep at 3 am. Now usually when people fall asleep, you wake up after 10 minutes, 30 minutes tops. I fell asleep for 3 hours. 3 fucking hours. I am so fucking disappointed in myself and at this point I’m not happy. I’m just not fucking happy at all.

Right now the only thing that is keeping me grounded and stopping me from having a panic attack is that I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason. It probably doesn’t but that is keeping me sane right now so I don’t care. I’ll take it. Ughhhh you have no fucking idea how much I hate myself right now. You know it’s bad because I’m watching Louis CK and I’m not laughing.

What annoys me the most is that I made a decision at around 2:30 am and at 3 am I changed my mind but I still fell asleep. I know what most of you are thinking: “Big fucking deal people have bigger problems. Grow up.” That may be true but trust me this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. And it sucks. I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. I’m just fucked. I deserve anything bad that’ll happen to me as a result of this fuck up.

Fuck me. Fuck this. Fuck it all.

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Legit on the edge of a mental breakdown because of how stupid I am. Honestly how the fuck did I go from "I'll be up all night studying because I WILL pass this" to passing out at 3 am? My only, and I mean only, comfort right now is that I think everything happens for a reason. It probably doesn't but I need to keep telling myself that because I'm an idiot and if I don't tell myself that I will feel awful for the rest of the day and I don't want that. Not anymore.

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Implicit Demand For Proof

So today was my last day of school. Well, last lesson. I wasn’t really paying that much attention, just lost in my thoughts as usual. But my thoughts were different this time. Usually, I’m thinking about many things all at once to the point where it gets overwhelming. Today, it was all neat and between every thought, I heard a song. That’s really the only way to describe it. I legit went through the entire American Idiot album in my head. Onto the weird bit. There’s this Twenty One Pilots song called Implicit Demand For Proof. I have never listened to this song. I didn’t even know it existed. Throughout my thoughts, the words “Implicit Demand For Proof” kept popping up. I got tired of it and decided googling it would be the best solution. What do you know, it’s a song by one of my favourite bands. It also happened to be on my phone because I have the discography. I believe in fate. I’m pretty sure something was telling me to listen to this song and now that I have, I’m scared. You see, this song is about God and how Tyler demands proof that God is real even if that proof comes in the form of Tyler being striked down for thinking these blasphemous thoughts. Why did that scare me? Well, we all have our doubts even if we never say them out loud because it isn’t socially acceptable in this awfully religious society we live in but last night around 5 am, these thoughts were the only thing occupying this barren wasteland of a mind and I think God just gave me the proof I needed. I know this is so different than what I usually write but I felt like I needed to get it off my chest. Sorry. Sorry for it being sloppy too because I literally just wrote this in 10 minutes while I’m in an Uber. An Uber that just so happens to be driving me home from my last lesson at a school I’ve been at my entire life. Life. Huh. What a weird thing.

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Insanity

“Okay. Breathe Seif. Just breathe. You did it. You fucking did it and you should be happy because fuck what other people think amirite?!”

“Yeah fuck what people think is usually a good way to live but does it also apply when those people are family?”

“Do you love your family?”

“Yes and no. Mom, Dad and sister I kinda have mixed feelings about but I still love them at the end of the day. Dad’s side of the family are cunts. All of them. Mom’s side of the family.. well… I just told her how I feel about them.”

“I know dude and you should be so proud because you’ve been dreaming of this moment for the longest time now and it just fucking happened!”

“I guess I should be happy but I’m also kinda sad because I hurt her feelings. I know I did.”

“Who gives a fuck? You said what needed to be said. Screw keeping things bottled up.”

“You’re right. But ya know, we all have things we hate about our lives and it’s socially acceptable to be angry about some of those things but not all of them.”

“How so?”

“Wellll you know, it’s socially acceptable to be angry about your body and want to change it but it isn’t socially acceptable to hate 90% of your family.”

“True. But, you not telling anybody this will just cause your depression to flare up again and you’ll go down another one of those black holes you usually go down every other week.”

“Yeah. Those are dangerous aren’t they?”

“They are but being down there for a couple of days and then coming back out is so much better than going insane and staying down there forever.”

“I’m not insane?”

“Of course you’re not! What makes you say that?”

“Well, for starters, there’s the fact that I’m talking to myself right now and typing out everything that’s coming out of my mouth.”

“Talking to yourself is really healthy and actually encouraged nowadays.”

“It might be but it’s usually a characteristic of insane people so I might have to stop now because whoever is reading this probably genuinely thinks I’m batshit insane.”

“You are. But who said that’s a bad thing?”

“You’re right. I actually kinda forgot why I even wrote this whole thing…”

“You told your mom how you really feel about her family.”

“Oh. That. I just told her that her dad’s house that I go to every week is more depressing than anything else nowadays because… well… because it isn’t the same anymore. I’m depressed. That’s a fact. That place is a trigger. That’s also a fact. I don’t wanna be there if I can help it.”

“But that isn’t what you actually said is it?”

“Fuck no it isn’t. Are you crazy?! My family don’t know I’m depressed. The only damn thing they know about me is that I’m an introvert and even that isn’t completely right anymore.”

“Well, what did you say? For the people reading to kinda know what we’re talking about here.”

“I told her that going there isn’t something I wanna do every week anymore. It isn’t as fun as it was when we were kids and the people that I used to like grew up and they got personalities that I absolutely hate yet they still like me so I don’t know what to do anymore.”

“And what did she say?”

“Nothing. She just stood there.”

“Yeah people tend to do that when they’re in shock.”

“BUT I DON’T FUCKING GET IT! WHY THE FUCK WAS SHE IN SHOCK?”

“No parent ever expects to hear that.”

“Yeah but in my case it’s so blatantly obvious that you’d have to be stupid not to know.”

“Well then they’re stupid.”

“Who?”

“Your parents.”

“Agreed.”

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Okay so before you start freaking out or anything like that, no, I’m not insane but if the writing gave off that vibe then it did what it was supposed to do. I’m trying out this new style. I’m really really proud of this and it’s based on true events that happened literally an hour ago.

So yeah, don’t worry about me. I’m just as sane as you are ;)

ps if you got that reference I love you.

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Fuck this. Fuck everything about this.

I’m angry. Seriously angry. This isn’t the usual extreme sadness that I suffer from on a daily basis. No. This is pure anger and it scares me to think that I can even be this angry over literally nothing. I have no clue why I’m angry and that terrifies me more than anything else. In an attempt to figure out why this is happening, have my heart Tumblr. In fact, I’ll pour it out for you.

2 or 3 hours ago (I don’t give enough of a shit to rememeber) I was in an alright mood. Not extremely happy or anything but my depression was dormant. Now, I guess I’m seeing the effects of that because this dormant animal is now raging and I don’t know how to stop it.

It pains me to see other people being really happy or socialising because I know that’ll never happen to me due to me being a bundle of depression, social awkwardness, anxiety and introversion. I fucking hate it. I hate myself.

I’ve also been told that I’m too kind. I’ve started noticing that. How? Well... People are dicks and I’m nice to them regardless. It’s all part of this fucking mask I put on daily.

I have to socialize tomorrow. There’s no avoiding it. I hate that. Fuck people. Honestly. Fuck this. Fuck everything and everyone.

My last ever high school exam is tomorrow. I don’t care. I pretend like I do. Everytime someone asks me I say that I’m so excited to be finally done and that it’s surreal and shit like that. Bullshit. All of it. I couldn’t care less. So, sorry if I lied to you about that. Don’t want my depression and soullessness to rub off on you.

This kinda worked. I know why I’m angry now. It’s becuase I have to socialize tomorrow, I’m too kind to assholes, I pretend like I give a shit too much and because life is pointless. Good to know. Fuckers.

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About yesterday...

So yesterday was up there with one of the worst days of my life. Why? I wish I knew. I was just so angry over absolutely nothing and I'm sorry anyone had to see me in that state. Hey, at least I know how to cheer myself up now. Walking. I took a really long walk yesterday. I left the house at 7:30 and came back at 11:30. It was refreshing. I didn't get tired. I loved every moment of it. I wore my favourite clothes, charged my phone, took a notebook with me and just started walking. Now this is the real good bit and it's why I think our subconscious is a really powerful thing. Without meaning to or even thinking about it, I somehow ended up in my favourite spot. It's a place I go to and just unwind whenever I'm sad and I think deep down, my mind knew I needed to be there. So, I spent an hour and a half there listening to music and writing down anything that came to mind. By the end of it, I was a different person. I proceeded to walk home while taking the longest route possible and right then and there I made up mind that this was going to be a daily thing. Somehow, walking saved me. I'm not letting days like yesterday happen again. Not on my watch.

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This sucks. This really fucking sucks.

I just hate how everything came crashing down. I was so happy recently and now I'm not in the mood to do anything. I don't want to watch YouTube videos, I don't want to watch any of the shows I'm currently watching, I don't want to play FIFA. There's just absolutely nothing that can get me out of this bottomless hole I've fallen down today and I fucking hate that. Fuck life. Fuck it.

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I'm a mess.

Hey everybody. I'm angry. Again. I swear to fucking God this isn't normal. When I'm not having a fucking emotional breakdown I'm angry. I'm angry because I live in one of the worst countries in existence. I'm angry because people are either nice or they're assholes, there's nothing in the middle. I'm angry because life is garbage. I'm angry because I don't matter to anyone, I'm just this thing in the background. I'm angry because life is pointless. It just fucking sucks because I need to talk to someone but I don't have anyone to talk to. I know it's bad this time because people irl actually fucking noticed that something is wrong. I was asked "what's wrong with you today?" for the first time in a long time. The answer to that question is I'm depressed and I don't know how to deal with it and occasionally that shit will leak out to the public eye because it's not easy pretending to be happy and it's not easy to smile when you're a wreck on the inside. "I don't wanna die. Sometimes wish I'd never been born at all."

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No purpose, just typing my thoughts out

I’ve noticed that the only time I write honestly is when my depression levels are high so I want to change that. I’m currently really happy and I’ve been this way for about a week so I thought that I’d try this thing a friend told me about. He said “Are you searching for purpose? Then write something, yeah it might be worthless.” According to him, I’ll see purpose start to surface. (If you got that reference I love you.)

So. I noticed that I actually haven’t said a thing about myself on here. I’ve given you my thoughts and those give you an idea but you probably don’t really know who I am. Here we go. My name is Seif (pronounced safe if you’re curious), I’m Egyptian, currently still living in the shithole, I’m 18, I love music, I’m an introvert, I was socially awkward but I’m slowly losing that trait, I’m depressed, was suicidal at some point not so long ago and if you know me in real life, I mean really know me not just someone I say hi to, you know that long-ass silences are a thing with me because that kinda stems from the whole introvert thing.

There are a few things that I am really passionate about. One: nature is my drug. I’m always in awe at the sun, the stars, the clouds, animals and literally anything to do with nature. It’s all just gorgeous. Two: if I didn’t listen to music I would probably be dead right now. Morbid? Yeah. True? Yeah. Three: I love football. I’m not the kind of person that would drop everything to watch a football match but I love playing it. I might not be good but that doesn’t stopping me from loving every moment of it.

I walk. A lot. I remember there was one day where I was bored so I charged my phone until it was 100 percent and I went out for a really long walk. That was one of the best days of my life. Just absolutely incredible. The music kept me going and for some reason, I didn’t get tired. I walked 16 kilometers that day and I’ll beat that record some day but probably not now because Ramadan, exams, life and whatnot.

That’s all I can write for now. I hope this gave you some idea of who I am and if you know me irl I hope that you know more about me than you knew before reading this.