seizure95 - Tumblr blog

seizure95 · 3 months ago

Text

4/25/25 - 4:41AM

I tend to make these entries early morning as I’m winding down for the night. I once again also lied to myself by saying I’d write more, yet here we are a month later from my last entry. Let’s dive in.

My mental health has been…. Just ehh…. It’s not terrible but I feel like I’m obsessing over my status at the Club a little bit. I feel everything I’m second guessing everything and standing with less confidence in that DJ booth then I do in other places.

Take for tonight example. Tonight was a wonderful night celebrating one year of throwing Drum & Bass Parties in the city. We packed out the club and I felt incredible behind the decks when I played. But thinking towards my weekend at PLAY, I just have this dread towards it. I have some time away from the club in May so maybe that’ll be good for me and help me with a proper mental reset. I just need to not worry about the reviews.

Next week marks 5 months with no booze! Urges have been a bit heavier as of late but I seem to be navigating them decently. I kind of blame the mental state for those urges. A lot of me wants to dive back into drinking to mask some of the insecurities that I’m currently dealing with. My weight being one of them. I really want to be the person who can shake it off an not worry but it’s proven to be a challenge lately. Working in a queer envoirment where looks are everything I feel like I’m just kind of put up with. Like people enjoy my company when I’m around but keep me at an arms length type of distance. Do I mind it? It’s hard to say. Not really… but kind of do at the same time. I’m hoping to come back around to feeling like I’m at home at club. I miss that feeling.

I did do something awesome this week! A couple of weeks back I ended up winning 2 grand at a casino outside of Bristol! Because of that I Purchased some new DJ Equipment. I can’t wait until it arrives this week. You’ll be hard pressed to get me out of my studio. Haha.

I think that’s it. Maybe more here soon.. maybe in another month. Who knows!

0 notes

seizure95 · 4 months ago

Text

While it helped me quit drinking, it also helped me learn a truth that shouldn't have been easy to swallow but was. Growing up we lived with my grandmother on my dad's side. She is overall not a good women. I watched her do the bare minimum to take care of a sick man for the soul reason to gain inheritance from him. It was this single act that made me finally realize I completely hate my grandmother. She only lives for having attention and her own needs met. She's lazy, sits on her but while she forces other to do her bidding for her. She's been like this since I was a kid. She is fully capable of doing things her self but rely's on my sister to do most everything for her. The final nail in the coffin was how adamant she is on her political stance. It became a subject of conversation within the first five minutes of each visit up until a few months ago. I Disowned her. I had the realization (Buckle up because this is a heavy statement I'm about to make) I won't shed a single tear when her time comes to meet her maker. Now why do I say all of this. For those who don't know when you're on mushrooms you are very in-tune with your emotions. I thought about the deaths of everyone close to me. Cried at the thought of each one. Even the people who are on the outer edge of that closeness. But couldn't muster it for my grandmother. Maybe the universe will prove me wrong. I Hope it does. But as of now I have nothing for her. Maybe a visit to tell her goodbye. But a short one at that.

Yeah, I needed this session. it was cathartic in all the ways I needed it to be. Maybe I'll start writing more

0 notes

seizure95 · 4 months ago

Text

3/30/25 - 2:45AM

The emotions are running rampant tonight. I'm stuck feeling as if I'm just not recognized for what I bring to the table these days. Hell, I just got put in a god damn magazine and people just don't seem to care. They don't care about the hours of music I thumb through just to find the right mix. They don't care that I'm painstakingly organizing music to bring the energy up or down at the right times. They only care about what's happening in the very moment they're living in.

I feel like the only things I do when I write is come on here and bitch. But you have to understand what an emotional outlet this gives me. especially when the American health care system doesn't give a fuck about your needs unless you can afford the care. It's a sad state we live in. I don't DJ for my own self gratitude, though it is a side effect of doing it for so long. I've really done soo much to work on myself this year and it feels like the universe has just been regurgitating it right back out at me. More to do, more "this is good, but you need to do it in this way", More "you haven't self-loathed enough today, have you tried hating yourself more?"

Over all, I'm Frustrated.

So what brought on all this ranting about nihilistic behavior? Let's back up. Tonight was I spun over at my regular gig at Tribe. Things were going well, new music, people dancing. Right up until the House computer crashed and killed the sound system. The past few months haven't been the best. People commenting negatively, taking criticisms to heart only to be told that it's not good enough. So when you finally feel like you've caught a good groove, only to have it taken away from you by pure coincidence. It feels like a challenge. What felt like a good start to the night was taken away fairly quickly and I haven't recovered.

What really kind of bothered me the most about tonight, given all these critiques, and all thats been asked of us as resident DJ's. It really messes with my head to hear things we've been told to avoid by owners and management. And the catch 22 is that it's stuff people want to hear. It keeps the floor. While it does its job to keep people on the dance floor. It's low hanging fruit in my personal opinion. It's the type of music you'd hear the same 20 broadway DJ's play at 20 separate bars. So when I'm keeping dance floors engaged while playing queer music and am only met with negative feed back. It just feels like a slap in the face. Now I don't want this to seem like I'm hating on the other DJ who was playing tonight. Cause he was doing what he needed to do to keep a dance floor. It's just not what a vibe is for a gay dance club.

Something else that kind of struck me tonight, One of the DJ's who is not a stranger to PLAY and the DJ Booth, (Also a Very close friend of mine) but not a full blown resident. Felt like they had to almost apologize for getting booked on Pride Saturday! I'm ABSOLUTELY ECSTATIC for them, they 100% Deserve the gig. I've also done the dance floor the past two years so I was fully expecting them to book someone else for it. I'm glad its them. They're going to Kill it!

To still look towards the positives, I'm 118 Days with no alcohol! I'll hit my 4 month mark on Wednesday. I feel great, and I feel like I'm processing emotions a bit more healthily! Now while this journey has been mostly raw dogged, with the exception of a night time garden gummy. There is still the urge to get a little twisted every now and again. For those who don't know the whole reason I quit was due to a mushroom trip. Psylocibin has done wonders for people in recovery, while I'm not a full blown Psychonaught, I am intrigued to the benefits it can bring to people. Cause it has taught me more about myself than I think I would've ever known without it. 10 Fold.

Part 2 on next post

0 notes

seizure95 · 4 months ago

Text

3/24/25 - 12:52PM

It’s been a couple of weeks since my last entry. I’ve definitely faced some challenges that have mentally put me through the wringer. Nonetheless all of them have been learning an experiences and I feel I’ve been able to gain some positivity out of each one.

I was lucky enough to have a an article about me published in the Nashville Scene, (A local alt. print magazine that focuses on Nashville creatives and locals) While the article gained mostly positive attention. It did draw out some people who were quick to criticize on how I do things. I felt this was for many reasons.

The queer scene can focus on vanity quite often. I’ve always felt as a bigger bodies person that I’ve had to work a little bit harder to gain respect from people in it. While most are loving and excepting, I’ve had multiple encounters of people feeling the need to comment on my weight. Before I continue I should tell you that I’m am perfectly okay with my size and the way I look. Could I stand to be healthier? I believe everyone can, such is why I quit drinking. So why am I even bringing all this up?

After the article dropped, the club I hold my residency at started to get multiple reviews regarding my DJ sets. If you don’t know me, I’m very neurotic when it comes to what I do. I’m constantly looking to bring fresh things to the dance floor while keeping the energy up and making sure everyone is having a good time. This can ultimately be a challenge when bachelorettes invade queer spaces. I swear if I have one more white girl scream at me to drop “No Hands” by Waka Flocka I’ll lose it. Especially when there are literally… HUNDREDS of spots that’ll be playing the same dated bullshit.

Anyway most of the reviews I had been getting were these long drawn out paragraphs that wouldn’t point to a problem within what I was doing in the booth. They would ultimately just say I wasn’t a good DJ. The only issue is that my dance floors are consistently packed with people having a good time. So mentally it’s drained me knowing someone is going out of their way to be hateful. Personally, I think there are a group of people who hate seeing a fat guy having fun. Because upon further investigation by the club, every single review was by a group of people who are constantly seen in the bar together. I’m not sure who they are but it was good to be reassured that I wasn’t an issue.

But let’s dive into the topic of thinking I was an issue. This entire “drama” has really strained me mentally, to the point of a panic attack a week ago. It made me feel like I was just “tolerated” instead of respected. The feeling of working so hard at something you love doing only to be told “you need to be got rid of” and that “you’re a joke of a DJ” just made me feel out right depressed. I’m grateful for my family and friends who were able to talk me through it.

This whole situation did make me take a step back and look and a few things though. This is where the positives come into play. It’s reigniting the fire I have for this craft to make sure every weekend I’m in the dance bar I’m bringing the freshest and hottest mixes I can bring. It’s brought new methods of organizing that have proven to be even more successful on my dance floor.

Saturday night I received multiple compliments from patrons and club goers. The floor was packed for longer than normal even being full once the lights came up at last call. (Which I haven’t seen since November of last year) So yeah, maybe some of the criticisms were bullshit. But it gave me a chance to reevaluate and take it the next level, because I was feeling a bit to comfortable. And you can’t feel comfortable behind the decks. You have to innovate.

Pretty crazy right?

There was also a pretty major down as of yesterday. I lost a friend. He was an older gentleman but someone I’ve known for over 12 years. One of the most respected men in the dance scene as well. He threw parties to help raise money for people. He was a leader in our community and he’ll 100% be missed by a lot of people. I was overdue to go to a funeral. I guess I need to get my suit out. The way he went out was just shocking and calming at the same time. He made a goodbye post on FB while in a hospital. Gone 2024 hours later. But that was who he was. He knew when what he wanted. He knew he was going and got to say goodbye to all the people he loved. I wish I could’ve made it to the hospital to see him and a bunch of people got that luxury. You don’t get to know that your time is up. He was very lucky that he did and got to cherish his last moments. I’ll miss seeing him at parties. Such is the circle of life.

Even with all the negatives that have been going on lately. I’m still sober. I hate to sound like a broken record and a person who only talks about their sobriety. But if all this happened a year ago I’d probably be dead myself. Each breath I take is a treasure. I learned that from an early age unfortunately. Each day brings beautiful new beginning and I remind myself of that when I wake up. Although I’m not in AA the thought of I have to accept the things I can’t change has been stirring in my mind. All for reasons explained in this entry.

On to some positives.

IM GOING TO BONNAROO!

For those who may not know, Bonnaroo is basically the Glastonbury of the United States.

For those who may not know about Glastonbury, it’s the best party in the world.

For a week straight there will be camping, major musical acts, dancing in the sun with friends and family. A perfect stress relief from the weights of life. Me and my friend “REDACTED” are planning on camping together. We’re beinging his electric truck and a portable AC to help alleviate some of the June heat that Tennessee brings.

Some of my favorite DJ’s are playing as well. John Summit, Dom Dolla, Claptone, Tabe B, RL Grime just to name a few. I’m super excited to dance some of the stress away.

On top of that I’m start touring in April. I only have two colleges in hitting but one of them is in Pittsburgh. Never been to Pittsburgh but excited to see somewhere new. The big tour stop this year is in August in Canada. I Get to see Niagra Falls! Beyond the excited is an understatement.

So I guess I’ll end on this note. No matter how hard things get. DJing has always brought good into my life and has let me explore foreign places. I know deep down this is something I was put here to do and I have no intentions of letting up. So if you know where to catch me.

I’ll see you on the dance floor.

Untill the next entry.

0 notes

seizure95 · 5 months ago

Text

3/5/25 - 4:46AM

Once again finding myself out of boredom leaning to writing out my thoughts. It’s been a busy weekend.

Friday I played a gig at a “Dispensary” (The Tennessee Version of them anyway) which was a what you would expect it to be. Very chill, where I was just a background element rather than the main show. It was honestly pretty dope! (No pun intended) loved the vibes and received a bunch of compliments. Afterwards I trotted over to tribe for my Friday night shift. Basically just existed in those moments until last call.

Saturday I played the Wilco Iris queer prom for the third year in a row. Truly one of my favorite reoccurring gigs I do every year. I hate that these students are going to have to deal with ignorance from the higher ups in the government for the next 4 years. I hope the event brought them joy even if it’s just for a little while. I do have to give a major shout out to my buddy Scott who really brought the party with sound and lighting for the event. It really took it to the next level. After I got done a headed back to tribe where I met up with (REDACTED) & (REDACTED) for some Saturday night shenanigans. Truly made the day better hanging out with such great friends. There was a moment for a bit where I was upset with (REDACTED) but I’ve learned that there are something’s that I can’t control. And I have to let them play out. God I’m really starting to sound like a full on AA Drunk. Aren’t I? Anywho, we laughed and joked till about 1am and went home at our respective times.

Sunday I decided to venture back out to tribe to listen to (REDACTED) Spin for a bit. I also decided to have a THC beverage as an experiment. Which failed, but not any a dramatic way. I’ve definitely found that I’m a Marijauna home body. Meaning I’ll happily eat a gummy and watch Travel Videos or the more likely option: NAP. I just feel more socially akward while high in public. I ended up hanging out on church street untill after my Sunday night set at PLAY. Then went home and passed out.

During this entire weekend I was also tasked with watched my sister’s dog, fisher, all weekend. It was nice being able to have a puppy to cuddle up to. I could once again go off on the tangent on feeling lonely but I won’t bore who ever may read this with that same old song and dance. Ive met several people on the app but have no promises in anyone.

This past Monday I had the chance to spin the first industry night at the office. It wasn’t crowded by any means but I still had a good time. I was also able to set up a monthly dnb night on Thursdays there. Im ready to keep it going.

The big thing this week is the fact I hit three months sober. (Cali Sober), No Booze, No Coke, just pure vibes. I think this sobriety thing has been a good change and a good stepping stone to welcome more into my life.

I think I’m gonna drink a sweet tea now.

0 notes

seizure95 · 5 months ago

Text

2/25/25 - 4:26AM

Yet another night sitting at the house, consuming junk food and staring at the television. I fear that I’m becoming bored with this routine, Yet it’s way more healthy. I guess that’s why I’m writing again. To try to clear my mind of a circus of thoughts. Elephants like thoughts of personal struggles such as bills, morality, and health seem to be the main attraction. Maybe I should try to be less like a “writer” and just type out the thoughts as they come.

My 3 months of Sobriety is this weekend. I’m happy I’ve made it this far and have felt significant changes in my mental health. I’ve mentioned this several times but every time it’s more and more true. For the first time I feel somewhat in control. I feel my thoughts and responses are better thought out.

Im pretty lonely emotionally though. I long to find a human companion to “complete” me. I have people I’m interested in but as of late, it always feels like the people I become interested in romantically, would never look at me in that way what so ever. I’m 30 years old at this point and just feel that it’s now or never. As tragic as this may sound I just have to keep my patience. Sky is definitely in the lead as someone I could see my self with. There are under 3 people in my life who have made me feel the way he has as of recently. But once again, I highly doubt he feels the same way.

Summer is coming up and it’s looking to be a busy one with touring, pride, and the club. I’m very excited.

I thought I had more but I guess not. Here’s to three months sober!

0 notes

seizure95 · 6 months ago

Text

Just wanted to post some thoughts I’ve had over the last few months on here. December 1st of 2024 I decided to get sober. It was well needed. I spent the entirety of my 20s drunk and ruined countless relationships because of it. My social skills are slowly being regained as I thought I needed alcohol to socialize. And yeah, social anxiety is a thing. But manageable if I push myself to do it doses. I’ve been keeping some notes. I haven’t written in a while but considering this year is looking to bring excitement and opportunity with this new found love of self. There may be more postings in the future.

Idk but here it is… for anyone who cares

12/2/24

Remember why you are doing this. Your overall happiness will improve, you’ll learn more about who you are and will progress with your music.

12/8/24

Today marks one week of no booze! I’ve decided to journal my thoughts on this journey once per week to mark my progress both mentally and physically. This morning when I checked my weight I came in at 309lbs. They say quitting drinking will help me lose weight. I know this will take time but I definitely feel 10 times better just after a week off the sauce.

What have I taken away from this first week of sobriety? First and foremost my mood has increased dramatically. I feel less of a sense of “impending doom” than ever before. My fear is that this will plateau eventually. I can’t let that happen. I really want to take this next few months to look within myself and find things that bring me joy without altering my mental state. The biggest one is going to be my passion for DJing.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that the universe blessed with a fuck ton of validation in the past week as well. On top of giving me a chance to experience memories that’ll last a lifetime. It was a blessing to be able to play music for the friends with our house Nashville. To think that anxiety had me so scared into playing music for such an amazing an uplifting group of people.

Work feels like it’s improved as well. To expand on the validation I’ve received compliments from owners and managers that have marked me as their best DJ on staff. Being in that position is hard both from a mental standpoint and a sobriety standpoint.

I’ve always loved the quote from DJ/AM: “Starve the Ego, and Feed the Soul” Being told you’re the best constantly does the exact opposite. Hell even writing for myself in this post I feel like an asshole for acknowledging that I’ve been told I’m the best. That’s what’s challenging mentally. And obviously on a sobriety level being surrounded by booze non stop can be a trigger.

I’m happy I’ve made it week. It’s been a great week! There’s a lot of exciting things happening in this coming week as well. Some more stressful than others but exciting nonetheless. I’m excited to start my life on my own. I’m excited for this new chapter. I’m excited that I’m in a position to work in music full time. As my roommate packs the rest of his belongings, I’m excited that my life begins today.

Alcohol has been a cruel mistress to me. I will always love her but it’s time to let go and keep what’s important in mind.

You can do this stay strong.

12/15/24

Today Marks two weeks Sober! This week was different than last. The “Honeymoon phase” of what’s to come has faded a bit and was replaced with Boredom. I’m not upset with that fact though. I knew it would come eventually. It’s all about how I handle it from this point on. It’s going to be important not to run towards booze when something doesn’t go how I want it to.

This past week has also brought on a lot of change. My roommate of two years has moved out leaving me with the entirety of the duplex! This is beyond exciting. At almost 30 years old I’ve never lived on my own completely. I’ve always lived with family or a roommate. It’s also a blessing that I now have a good amount of space of my own instead of just a tiny room of the house. I can’t wait to turn this space into my home.

Something else that should be pointed out about this past week are my emotions. After my last entry, I had the opportunity to spend sometime with family. I noticed myself getting emotional just by spending time with my mother and sister. It wasn’t anything overbearing, it was just the thankfulness that I got to spend time with them. There were other times my emotions felt a little strong for no reason. Like logically it didn’t make sense that I was feeling the way that I was.

An example of this was last night when I had my good friend (REDACTED) spin with me at the club. The crowd wasn’t the best. But I kept finding myself upset every time they would hop on the decks. They are a wonderful DJ in their own right but I felt as if we weren’t in sync. With as serious as I take DJing no matter what venue I’m at, I want to make sure I’m delivering at the top of my game. This was a value I kept even while I was drinking. (It now shows that I wasn’t even close to my top while playing drunk)

There would be times our selection didn’t match. I would get up and play a few songs that would get the crowd engaged then they would get up and clear the floor. Or the opposite would happen where I would clear the floor. It absolutely drove me insane. Let’s also pair that with the fact that (REDACTED) wasn’t necessarily supposed to be playing with me. We were doing it as a favor for one of the go-go boys last nights working. Which in all honesty I think the Go go dancer lump us together as in to not offend Lieu.

Let’s back up.

So two weeks ago, when I was still drinking, (REDACTED) came out to hang at tribe. As I finished up my set over there I halfway remember us walking by the go go dressing room. We said hello and I was told that I was missed on the dance floor. I told them thank you and that’ll be back 12/13-12/14. (REDACTED) exclaimed that he was excited because it would be his last night and said “I love when you DJ” then stopped looked at (REDACTED) and quickly followed up “Both of you”

Me trying to fill dead air to make it a little less awkward I blurted out “well maybe we can both spin that night” and that’s all she wrote.

Realistically I was the one who made this happen. Did (REDACTED) have a good time? Absolutely. Was the Go Go Boy happy? He seemed like it! Was I happy? There were some highlights throughout the night but ultimately I just wasn’t feeling the “vibes” as I should have. Part of that had to do with our crowd. But you win some and you lose some.

Ultimately, I learned that I don’t share the decks well with others. It’s no one else’s fault by my own. I want to be able to sit back and play with others in a public setting, but I’m just way too particular on how I do it that it’s hard for me to do so.

I’m looking forward to the week ahead, I have my third date with (REDACTED). This girl had really been knocking my socks off as far as personality goes. She’s Super sweet, funny, works in A/V (KNOWS HOW TO WRAP A FUCKING CABLE. 💦) and has her independence. Most people I’ve dated have wanted to interact non stop but with her. We see each other when we can, value our time together and continue on with our lives! It feels healthier and more organic than what I’ve experienced in the past. I really hope things continue the way they are going with her.

Time will only tell.

2/16/25

It’s been literally 2 months since I’ve written anything. So some points that really don’t need an explanation or have short ones.

Things with (REDACTED) didn’t really work out. I’m not upset about it, neither of us made any effort to see each other again. It is what it is. I wish her nothing but the best.

Work continues to improve, they’re giving me a raise which is rad. And relationships with my managers has improved 10 fold.

Some Major things that have happened is I’ve officially graduated from my 20s! The back pain of being in my 30s looms even closer! I decided I was gonna throw myself a party in to celebrate my 30th. I’ve thrown parties my entire adult life but this one had to be the best I’ve ever thrown. I never expected 236 people to come pour into a club in east Nashville to dance on my behalf. Maybe because there wasn’t much going on that night? Who knows but the fact I remembered every moment and had my closest friends and family surrounding me for it made it my best birthday ever.

Sober life is treating me well and has also changed a lot of my habits. I’m sleeping better. I still throughly enjoy being part of the nightlife scene but am blessed I now have the control to retreat back home. Home has become such a safe place for me. Yet unfortunately pretty lonely. Such is the human experience craving companionship. There are a few prospects out there but nothing concrete. I have to be patient. Time will bring me the right person.

Last but not least the BIGGEST thing to happen to date.

This one is super special because it’s been a dream of mine since I became a DJ. I was contacted by a reported from the Nashville Scene to be featured in an article about dance music in Nashville. I cried the morning I got the news. The hard work is paying off. I can’t wait for it to come out.

So there you have it. I may write more in tumblr now that I have access to it again. Then again, I may not. I don’t know what the future holds. I’ll end with this picture posted by work last night. It was one of the first times I’ve seen myself in a picture where I’m genuinely happy. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt that.