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[selfish-attention]

i hate this i sound like ben im just crying im finally cryong and i want to keep crying forever i hate this im so so so sorry please let me die im sorry i miss you i mSORRY im sorry i want you i miss you im  just crying

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i should fucking kill myself why dont i fucking kill myself why dont i fucking kill myself why dont i fucking kill myself just fucking do it i want to die i want to kill myself please die please do it please kill yourself courtney do it kill yourself

kill yourself

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i wish i was dead

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I’ve seen a lot of people talk about how they want to be okay, feel better, and I’m gonna drop some knowledge on you right now. Just the fact that you want to feel okay means you’re getting better. You saying ‘this isn’t where I want to be in life’ means you are looking forward, looking to get better. And just that little bit of motivation means that you are okay, because you’re still alive and still looking forward. You haven’t lost hope yet, and I’m sure that’s better compared to where you used to be. I believe in you. Keep getting better.

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I am able to help others. I am smart. I am useful. I am not alone. I am creative. I can maintain healthy relationships. I can trust myself and my judgment of others. I am valuable.

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im thinking if you cared more about me, would you care more about me cutting myself, would you care more about me crying, would you care more about me thinking about suicide

would 

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I don’t want this anymore.

At the beginning you would care, you would care that i cut, and that i hurt myself and that i hated myself. now you don’t care. you’re desensitized too it. you don’t fucking care that i cut myself

you don’t give a shit. you’re like awh don’t do that, and don’t fucking care anymore

you’re like everybody else. you dont care you dont care you dont care

oh idk im thinking about relationship stuff and

never mind

im done being mad

for now haha

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i want more from you, you need that don’t you? need to be told you’re really cute and attractive all the time. well i need that too, but more than that i need to be told that i’m a good person. that im good, that im okay, that you like me. 

I need more from you. I need you to say you love me and really mean it. I need you to mean it. I need you to accept that I don’t believe you when you say it, and then too say it again. 

I need you to realize that I need more than you’re giving me. I need you to realize that I need more, i need more than you’re giving me. maybe more than you have

why won’t you tell me more, that you love me, and appreciate what i am to you. you know i hate myself but you never think outside yourself and believe that i need more

I don’t want this

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you should be upset that i can’t tell you im sad. you should want me to tell you.

not accept that i can’t and let me be sad by myself. that makes me feel so much fucking worse. that you’re okay with me not telling you. that makes me feel so fucking bad i hate it i hate it i hate it

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it’s not just tht i miss her it’s that i know she can’t handle me. she doesnt love me enough to handle me being sad at her all the time

she can’t handle it. all i do is annoy her. she’s going to stop loving me and start hating me pretty soon because all i do is get sad and she can;t comfort me or do anything for me

she can’t do anything to help me and she doesn’t want to try becasue i just get sad all the time and i cant accept her help and im really really annoying and bothersome and bad

she’s gonna hate me becasue i just make her angry with me because all i do is get sad and i keep bothering her by being sad and i cant do it

she can’t help me

i could say

hey i’m sad now. i was sad earlier today but i didn’t want to tell you. you can’t help me. you don’t know how and when you try i say it’s not true, which makes you mad at me. i can’t believe you when you say im good and that makes you mad at me. i’m sad now, and i’m sad a lot of the time but i can’t tell you because you try to help and i don’t believe you when you say im good and then you get mad at me

so i’m sad i tell you, you say im nice, i dont belive you and you get mad at me so

i’ve been getting sad by myself and feeling terrible and there’s nothing we can do to fix it so i should just die and that would make everyone feel better

and i can’t even tell you this now because you’re busy and gonna do stuff anf i hate this and i hate verything and i can’t do anythign about it this is a lose lose scenario and you never understand what i’m trying to say and i hate it and hate myself and just want to die and im sorry for being the fucking worst person ever im sorry but fuck this

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i was thinking about my ex

i had a dream about her, she identified as a boy at the time so, in my dream she was a guy. 

i dont remember what happened in my dream but, i think she wanted me back.

i thought about it in the shower, how i was still in love with her i guess. not love but, i still held a candle for her.

how it would have been different if we stayed together. i never would have met ryan, and i would have tried to kill myself still but

worse i guess

because ryan wasnt there

and at this point i imagine my ex would’ve been tired of me and not helped me

maybe i would be dead or just

still in the hospital, still Wanting to die

that would be a lot, that would be different

when i think stuff like that i’m glad i ended up with ryan, even though i guess i still want my ex to like me

but she doesn’t she doesn’t care about me

and ryan does care about me, so, ryan’s the only one im gonna care about, or at least very much try too

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she can’t standd reading this blog. idk why. it made her sad at first i think, maybe really looking at all the bad stuff i say to myself sometimes. that’s sad. but i think now maybe she’s tired of it.

she’s tired of dealing with me being sad. i want to tell her all the time, just like, i’m sad

i’m constantly sad, and just keep diving into my self hatred. but then she doesn’t pity me and feel really bad that i feel sad. she’s tired of it. she get’s annoyed now instead.

she’s tired of trying to make me feel better. tired of saying it’s okay i still love you. tired of         trying to make me feel better. because it doesn’t work

the only thing that makes me happy is making her feel the pain too, when she feels bad for me, or cries about it or hurts because of everything im going though

i think that means im a bad person and a cruel girlfriend. an emotional abuser

poor ryan

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