selfmadetorturedsadnessetc - Tumblr blog

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6-9-23

Our true colors are starting to show between DL and I. My restaurant just closed its doors at my location, abruptly! So I have been stressed. He is making me out to be crazy. Just like all the other men. I honestly don't see us lasting. More to post at a later time. Just wanted to document this for now.

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5-25-23

Dl confessed to me that he fucked some other chick while he had been living in the trailer. Which upset me bc he told me I was the only person he was sleeping with. Claims it was a one night stand and the girl is long gone. He wouldn't tell me who or anything. I swear all these people think I am playing when I say the truth will come out with me. I listen, I observe, and I investigate. But of course, he admitted to having this crack head suck his dick. Which he claimed the chick was like a sister and nothing sexual ever happened. Just recently I am finding out a lot of lies told. But I shouldn't be upset bc it was before he got feelings for me and when I was with my dh. You still lied dumb ass. I can't trust him.

But.... he shouldn't trust me either.

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5-18-23

Second day as Assistant Manager and I get told I am ridiculous. One, bc I think straws should be above the lemons. Mainly, because the lemons get thrown into the container with the straws and they get overlooked. Then, grow moldy and you know from there. Two, bc someone told me to make labels where things go and then it will always be put there.

I told these people I did not want to come in and demand all this crazy stuff at first. I am coming from being one of the servers. It is hard to demand these things to people who feel I am equal. Which I am, but now with more authority and responsibilities. Just feeling it today. I knew I shouldn't have said a damn thing to the kitchen manager. But, he is my boss!

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I know it has been awhile. Im just coming to write that my ex was talking and seeing this girl I accused him of seeing while we were together. Well she is apparently ghosting him now and he thought I had something to do with it. I didnt even know he was seeing someone. But of course he still wouldn't tell me so I went on my phone bill and found out. Mandi mandi mandi. Wow. But he judged me for living with a drug addict and she is one. I have alot to catch on but for now im sleeping in my car! Goodnight! Sweetest dreams

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3-20-23

So much to say but not enough time! I am getting a divorce and my life is going difficult. Im staying with DL and its a shit hole but atleast a place to stay other than my car. Everyone has offered but I know they don't mean it. R, the dog, is warming up to me. I just don't want DL to think I want a relationship. I really like him even to say I love him some. But he is an alcoholic and addicted to certain drugs. I cannot handle that. I got a glimpse of his withdrawal this weekend and I don't need this. He punches walls and such when mad. He yells at R constantly. I legit just wanna stay in my car.

I just want to find a place for my kids and I and then hopefully be free

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2-13-23

Well, I have been leading Nars on, apparently. But tonight before bed and before v day, he starts the shit again. He thought tomorrow would get me back. I had to say the same things over and over again. He won't give up. And now im for sure I need to find a place to stay atleast at night. Just come back and forth for the kids. I am scared tonight tho. He is so mad and hurt. I just dont wanna be here. It makes me feel the fear I had as a child, trying to put my siblings in the way of some man getting to me. I am so tired, but I am afraid to go to sleep. I dont fully know where I will go but guess I will figure it out. I am just done and he can't see that.

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2-9-23

I went in to work a 20 top with another server and we did alright. Though the other servers left so much shit undone, that we had to do. Then I get home and find that my daughter had a bottle of water in her room, that she had drank on after 7 pm. She isn't allowed to drink or eat anything 2 hours before bedtime, bc she wets the bed. So, this means Nars nor my sister paid any attention while I was at work. I am frustrated and annoyed. My son and nephew can't go to school tomorrow bc their bus isn't running. So, that will make 2 days out for my son bc he had a meltdown at school today. I just hope it doesn't keep him from being in the adter school program. Again, frustrated and annoyed. I could send my son after his therapy bc he rides a different bus home after the after school program, but he will probably throw a huge fit bc my nephew gets to stay home and not him. And I know, he needs to learn that everything can't go his way. I might try to get him to go tho.

I have to work a double tomorrow and hope to go stay at DL afterwards or prob go stay with him Saturday night. Its been too long without sex and I want him. Guess we will play by ear.

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“Saying yes to happiness means learning to say no to the people and things that stress you out.”

— Unknown

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“Start over my darling. Be brave enough to find the life you want, and courageous enough to chase it. Then start over and love yourself the way you were always meant to be loved.”

— Madalyn Beck

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“Sometimes all you have to do is decide then stick to the decision no matter what. Don’t ask why. Don’t look back. Don’t dissect what should be, what can be, or why you shouldn’t. just decide then live it.”

— cynthia go

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“Every night her thoughts weighed heavily on her soul but every morning she would get up to face another day.”

— r.h. sin

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2-7-23

Maybe I sound like a constant whiner, but to me this is my life. Today I went to my nanny and she told me how she can't help my sister get her camper. She told me that she wasn't going to risk it, seeing she will be living in it. It would end up being more a home loan and they don't do that. I am fucking stuck here, stuck with her and all her fucking irresponsible actions. I understand why some women run from everything. I care too much what will happen or how my kids will feel. I love them so much, it kills me inside just the thought of running away. I just want Nars to find someone else. Then again, having my sister needing a place to live and me giving a shit, I keep the peace and continue to die inside.

Tonight, my trigger was chocolate syrup stuck in the bottom of my cup. Which I have been drinking my water out of. I have told her over and over to clean that shit instantly, bc it will stick and it wouldn't clean well later. I just want her to grow the fuck up and get her and her kids stability, without me!

I am responsible for so many, I have lost myself. I want to find myself and be happy with myself, but I am the bad person for even trying to be selfish. It is my own fault for taking control of everyone, except myself.

Everyone is so worried about me losing the house and the land, like I want it. I do not want this land or house. I want it secure for my kids, atleast the land. I don't want to be in one place.

I haven't had sex in a month. This is not like me. Not that I haven't had offers, I just haven't felt like it. I don't want to have it with the ones that have offered, like JP. I need to stop leading these people on when I feel frisky, bc the moment they start demanding I get distant. I am bipolar, like the weather here in the south.

[selfmadetorturedsadnessetc]

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRGX9rWd/

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2-5-23

I hate this. 3 weeks, I think now, and im still standing my ground. One thing though is I hate having to sleep with my sister and niece in the living room. Doesn't help when, Nars is what I will call my husband now, he goes walking around huffing and puffing. He asked me if he should give up the other day and I said yes. Then he texts me some long text about missing me and being in his feelings. I hate the fact he makes it out to be that im crazy and wrong. What I say and think and feel is invalid. I have a sectional sofa, so my sister lays on one side and me on the other with our feet meeting in the corner. She is constantly up and down all night and I just dont get any sleep. Then she keeps a fan on her but won't turn the ceiling fan up for me. I need my own place. Going to see my aunt tomorrow and see if one of her friends has a place I could rent for cheap or something. I have many offers from my coworkers, but it is just to far to come this way everyday. I need him to give up on the idea of us getting back together, and just stop loving me like that.

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Hate feeling like a horrible mom bc I want to be happy. Im just stuck here, being a burden in my own home. It is even sadder, I want him to just die. Only bc it may make it easier on me. Or shit atleast find someone else. He still says in his controlled voice that we aren't splitting up. I cant sit back and be controlled so I flipped my shit last night.

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I can't give in. I want to be free. But people love to remind me how I have nowhere to go with my kids. And my sister isn't getting taxes so she can't get her camper, unless my nan can finance her. I have places to go, just not with my kids. Husband is cleaning up and stating all this stuff he is doing, for praise. Like you should be doing it, for yourself. He states its a new him and blah blah. It won't last and I hate to say that. I told DL this morning whilst drunk and thru text message. Husband still hasn't gotten his truck back. Just annoying. But I will be patient.

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