selfsabotagingbitch - Tumblr blog

[selfsabotagingbitch]

I FINALLY MADE THE FIRST MOVE. Now i feel like i lost my best friend in one fell swoop. Anyways, i miss them so much

[selfsabotagingbitch]

jjzjxjsjzjsjzjs stop shipping my bb (not really mine) with someone else😭😭😭😭😭

[selfsabotagingbitch]

Ladies and gents, my life rn

My Kryptonite

[selfsabotagingbitch]

constantly feeling like i did something wrong

even if i literally did nothing

[selfsabotagingbitch]

Update: I told them they should study abroad:))) man am i great at this or what

I made this account to post stuff that’s been happening but i didn’t know that i would be self sabotaging this BAD. Long story short I fucked up yesterday and hurt the person I never want to cause any sort of pain to.

Funny thing about being self aware is that I know the problem and I see myself doing it and I scream at myself as I’m doing it but I did it anyways.

And now I’m here because I got so scared to lose them for real even when they said we’ll be just fine AND now I’m fighting the urge to distant myself because holy fuck I was so scared to lose them and I’m never that scared to lose someone and being that scared scares me that I don’t want to feel that again so my brain is telling me to run. WHAT DO I DO

[selfsabotagingbitch]

I made this account to post stuff that’s been happening but i didn’t know that i would be self sabotaging this BAD. Long story short I fucked up yesterday and hurt the person I never want to cause any sort of pain to.

Funny thing about being self aware is that I know the problem and I see myself doing it and I scream at myself as I’m doing it but I did it anyways.

And now I’m here because I got so scared of losing them for real even when they said we’ll be just fine AND now I’m fighting the urge to distant myself because holy fuck I was so scared to lose them and I’m never that scared to lose someone and being that scared scares me that I don’t want to feel that again so my brain is telling me to run. WHAT DO I DO

[selfsabotagingbitch]

[photo not from me. I saw it on fb and the me who just woke up decided to save it and write an essay]

Me at 8am last Wednesday after coming across this post:

Love is so fucking complicated I’m starting to doubt if I know the difference between platonic and romantic at all. I love the people around me but there’s always been walls stopping me from letting them further in.

And then this one person is trying to get me to lower down these walls and even though I complain, and have so much doubts and fears in doing it, I find myself doing so. I want to push them away but it left a strange pain in my chest when they said it was insulting for me to think they’ll leave; like I never want them to feel sad, hurt, or insulted just because of my fears. And it felt calming whenever they reassure me that they’re here to stay. I’ve always had this self sabotaging streak where i push someone to the limits until they break and leave me and i’d be right but whenever i try to do that with this person it always ends in us talking shit out like wtf man??????

So I’ve been going back and forth on whether this type of love I have for that one person is romantic or platonic. I love them just like i love the rest but also I love them more than i do the rest HOWEVER I have no clue what this type of love is.

I’ve never actually felt what romantic love feels like, most people describe it like how this post did, butterflies, nervousness, kind of like anxiety yes. But the love i feel for them is peaceful. I’ve said this before but they’re what I consider home. They’re my rest. But then again they also trigger my fears but they don’t give me butterflies. Im confused. So if what this post explains is romantic love, does that mean i love everyone romantically???????? Or do I just love everyone platonically???? Again, this is so fucking confusing.

Another conclusion would be that I just love them more. IDK okay I’ve tried to explain the love i feel for them months prior and the best I could come up with was that I love them across all levels because I love them as a whole. I love them like family and a friend and I love them a whole lot more, beyond the love I normally give. I just love them as a whole, no classification needed at all. But this was before I found out I didn’t love my ex romantically. He was the basis for how I love romantically and it won’t do now because what I felt for him was limerence and a strong platonic love. BUT the fact still stands that I love this person more than I loved him and without limerence, obsession, or infatuation at all. SO NOW WHAT? I’m pretty sure I’m cool with them getting a partner but I don’t have any idea if that’s because I’m okay with it or because I don’t think I can push my commitment issues aside for me to make the first move. Also I already told them about the fact that I thought about courting them and the back and forth on whether I like them or not and if I know myself like i thought i do then that would mean that I don’t like them like that but also here I am being reminded of their existence in every post, in little things, in situations, always in the back of my head.

And how I made this fucking thing about them when it was initially intended to be about me differentiating platonic and romantic love is beyond me.

I don’t really feel kilig or gush over them and is head over heels but I also do feel calm, at peace, and rested whenever they’re around or messaging me. I once told them that I love spoiling the people I love and I was talking about it romantically but I found myself buying them stuff every chance I get (but now i cant really use that as a gauge bc my basis was my ex)

SEE THE DILEMMA????? Wtf do I feel for you bestie😭 I want it to be one or the other or at least just confirm whether romantic love is part of the love I feel for you because I can accept that I just love you as a whole but I HAVE TO BE SURE IF ROMANTIC LOVE IS PART OF THAT LOVE YK🥹🥹🥹 although for some reason I really don’t like this one girl they flirted with and idk if its because they’re not good for them or it’s because they got attached to this person and that freaks me out because there’s a high chance they would be in a relationship which then brings me back to the fact that I IM FINE WITH THEM BEING WITH ANOTHER PERSON BUT JUST NOT THAT BITCH AND its a cycle from there. Honestly, fuck this, man. If I ever come into terms with whatever this is then I’ll act on it but right now I’m so fucking confused. (Funny noh usually when i tell the person na about the times I got confused it means I’m over it na and the internal battle is settled but with them it never is. Wtf are u doing to me 😠😠😠)

Also i have used the words confused so much that its a weird word for me now. Bro😩