selfunaware

[selfunaware]

they live in my head 24/7

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[selfunaware]

my favorite thing I saw at boston pride today

[selfunaware]

I tap the mic. “Most people don’t want to crawl down your chimney and steal your dog.”

the crowd murmurs uncertainly.

“If someone wants to steal your dog,” I continue, “there are easier ways to do that. They don’t have to crawl into a chimney.”

Murmuring intensifies. People stand in their seats and begin to boo.

“People disguising themselves as chimney sweepers and stealing dogs is not a rational fear,” I shout. “Literally anyone could steal your dog. Why make sweeping chimneys illegal?”

“I have a list of chimney sweeps who stole dogs from parks!” Someone yells, throwing a shoe.

“You seriously think no chimney sweepers could possibly ever steal from a home?” Another cries.

“Only a dog thief would even want to crawl into a chimney to begin with!” Says a third.

A single tear rolls down my cheek. They are all so fucking stupid

This is a metaphor

[selfunaware]

going in for my ultrasound 💅

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my confetti

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Meeeeeeeeeeee printing strawberries at night

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I just remind myself "this is how blind people drive" when i close my eyes to rest on the highway and it always works out

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[selfunaware]

the moon doesn’t apologize for her phases, then why should i?

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[selfunaware]

haha get it

[selfunaware]

so. my wife came downstairs just as i took a bite out of the remaining half red onion on the counter. literally within seconds of just getting away with it. i looked at her, and she looked at me, and we both sat there a moment, all frozen, beforeshe said babs, what the fuck. i tried to say i can explain but it came out as or corn explorn because such was the onion in my mouth that there was no room for words. its honestly a miracle that she understood me at all. at least, i'm assuming that she understood me because she did let me get my bearings for a few moments. a smarter man would've used that time to think up a good lie, but instead i just chewed as fast as i could because i knew i was gonna have to tell a whopper and i really wanted to be able to use big words again.

big words are instrumental to telling a whopper.

anyway, i totally ran out of time. i barely got my first swallow of onion in before she said well?, and i did at least have an empty mouth to match my empty head. but also i had no lies. so i looked her dead in the face, opened my mouth and waited, every bit as curious as her, to hear what excuse my mouth was gonna come up with.

im pregnant, said my mouth.

great job, mouth, said my brain.

mmmmm onion, said my mouth.

better you than me, said my wife. then she went upstairs. it has been two hours she still refuses to kiss me. im devastated. im shook. im crying a little, i think.

(but that might just be the onion.)

[selfunaware]

guy: how long is your dick… lol

me:

Dimensions (inches) Diameter of Head 1.50 Circumference of Head 4.50 Diameter of Shaft 1.45 Circumference of Shaft 5.00 Diameter of Knot 2.15 Circumference of Knot 6.50 Usable Length 6.00 Total Length 7.75

[selfunaware]

Does anyone remember that post on here that was like SHAFT LENGTH: 5.765 INCHES…. USEABLE LENGTH: 4.91639 INCHES… SACK ELASTICITY (etc.) or is that one of those 400 note posts that permanently burned into my psyche with no other outside impact