sellieellie - Tumblr blog

[sellieellie]

lol lots of stuff has changed HAHAHAHAHAH

so connor and i are officially dating LOLZZZZ. ever since he transferred to my school we’ve been hanging out alone and sober and it made me realize how much i like him. he’s been so sweet and patient and understanding with me since it’s my first relationship. here’s how it happened:

so i had been coming over once a twice a week all semester and spending the night and we’d spend the night cuddling each time and i could tell connor wanted to kiss me but i kept getting nervous and ignoring it.

so i went over last tuesday as i usually do. this time though i was extremely anxious and he was quick to offer me comfort. we watched a movie and a tv show to try to take my mind off of it but after the show i told him there was still a pit in my stomach. we decided to go to bed. before we could fall asleep i told him i was still really anxious and he said i could talk to him. i started listing off the things that made me anxious and eventually got to my anxiety about our relationship and how i want to kiss him and move further with him but i’m scared because i’ve never done it before. he was really sweet and patient with me and he kissed me and it was a bit awkward because it was my first time but he told me that he’s willing to go through the awkwardness because he really likes me :,). i left the next day and texted him to make sure he wasn’t upset with me for the kiss being a little strange and he reassured me and said he was he completely understood and wasn’t upset at all.

i just feel really lucky because i really do feel like he’s trying to be better for me and he’s being really really sweet about how this is new to me.

just thought i should update.

about school: im lowkey afraid of failing my math class😝 but we’ll see. the rest of my classes are going well though. semester ends in less than two weeks and i could not be more ready. i want to be done so badly lolololol.

oh and i also got medicated for my anxiety! ssri’s again but it’s prozac instead of zoloft this time so maybe it’ll be better?

and i got put on birth control because i was diagnosed with pcos 😀 lovely really.

but they put me on medication for my skin and honestly it’s really working for me so far.

and i got two new tattoos!!

but anyway. that’s pretty much all i have to say lol

until next time,

ellie<3

[sellieellie]

things aren’t great at the moment.

i think im done with connor. it’s just too much. it’s one thing dealing with my new discoveries about my sexuality, but i also just don’t think he’s good for me. hes fucking scary when he’s drunk and i just think that’s where i draw the line. if i think he’s gonna hurt someone, or me, then i can’t respect myself and give myself to him at the same time. not only this, but he’s mean. he tells us to shut up for no reason or he screams at people and it makes me so anxious. and i can’t be with someone who constantly has me in fight or flight. it’s just not good for my (already extreme) anxiety. im just too fragile for all of it and i need someone who’s gentle enough to deal with that.

not only this, but im not even sure i was attracted to him in the first place. i think i was just attracted to the fact that he was attracted to me. and that isn’t healthy. i hate to

make a comparison to spencer, but when i liked him and he would hold me or make moves on me i wouldn’t feel embarrassed or anxious. but when connor does, i do. i just want to be loved so much but i respect myself too much to be loved by someone who won’t love me right.

he also just seems to have no regard for himself or his future. and if he can’t care for himself, how is he supposed to care about another person? i think he needs to heal before he starts something again or he’s just going to have another toxic relationship.

and i hate how much anxiety this is causing me. because i don’t want to hurt anyone but it’s invevitable at this point. and it makes me feel like shit because i don’t want him to think i was stringing him along while i was just trying to figure out my feelings. and i also don’t want it to affect the dynamic of the group or make things awkward for anyone else. i just wish the group would’ve thought about it before they pushed us together and i wish i would’ve thought about it before i pursued it. but i was also younger back then. i feel like i’ve done so much self reflecting the past year. i don’t know.

im just scared to talk to him about it. im so fucking afraid. because i know he’ll get mad but im not sure how he’ll react. i like to think he’d never get violent with me but i truly have no idea. i hate how scared i am of him and i hate how long ot took me to differentiate between being nervous in a sweet way to see him versus being straight up afraid of him.

i think i might just have to come clean. and tell him (in expectation that he won’t share this info because it’s quite literally my childhood trauma) i grew up in an environment where there was constant yelling and things did sometimes get physical so violence and loudness just bothers me to an extent where it has a negative affect on not only my body but also my mind. and it kind of makes me scared of him because my past has taught me to be scared of things like that. and if we want to continue this relationship i think we both need to work on ourselves first if we want to be with each other. because i obviously need to work on dealing with my childhood but he also needs to work on dealing with his anger and his alcohol issues. and i need to protect myself from the stress i feel when im around him because i never know if he’s gonna be sweet or mean. and i know that he’s genuinely a good guy and that he has good intentions but im just not able to deal with this. and i’d still love for him to hang with our friend group because i know they’re his friends too but maybe we just have to keep our distance. and if he doesn’t want to change for me, i won’t force him to but if he doesn’t change then i will no longer pursue what we have. id love to stay friends if he wants to but i can’t deal with this.

im just scared. the last thing i want to do is hurt anyone but he’s hurt me and i don’t even think he knows it. i hardly even know a version of him that isn’t drunk. it freaks me out.

i feel like im talking in circles. totally my bad.

i think im gonna go over what im gonna say with bella first. maybe the high schoolers as well. i just know the girls will understand and i appreciate them so much.

i just know it’s not fair to me or to him to keep stringing this along if im not 100%. especially after he just found out i like him. i feel like im doing what was done to me last summer and i feel so fuckinh guilty about it. i hate knowing that i might hurt someone. i know he’ll pretend that it rolls right off his back but it’ll hurt him. and i hate that im the cause of it. but it has to be done. maybe i don’t mean as much to him as he does to me. maybe he hasn’t been thinking about this constantly like i have. maybe he’s just not there.

anyways. hoping that i have the opportunity to talk to bella more about this soon. and i hate to do this, but spencer may be able to offer some advice as well. im not sure if we’ll ask him or not because i know he’ll always take connors side i think and try to play wingman. idk. we’ll see. im going to bella first.

as for the other parts of my life, things aren’t awful. they’re just a lot. everything is stressing me out to no end and i wish i could sleep for a full week and not have to talk to anyone or show up for anyone or anything. part of me wants to get really sick for a second so i can just chill. maybe flu or something. idk.

this is also gonna sound so privileged, but the thing that kept me going at work last summer was that i got to spend my money on things that are important to me but lately all i’ve been spending on is stuff for my sisters wedding of others birthdays and it makes me lose all motivation. i haven’t bought anything but food for myself with these paychecks so far. it fucking sucks. but it is what it is i guess.

im also getting increasingly anxious about mom. she never feels okay and i feel awful about it. i wish i could do more to help but all we can do right now is wait.

im also thinking about dropping out of my dorm and deciding to commute. i just don’t love my roommates and i don’t want a repeat of last year. it would also save a lot of money, which we need right now for moms surgeries.

but yeah. that’s pretty much all. i wish i had more good stuff to say but my heart is just full of anxiety and sorrow lately. idk. things aren’t great. i wish they were better. hopefully they will be soon because i don’t know how much longer i can deal with it.

[sellieellie]

saw some friends last night. it was bella, jason, spencer, connor, and one of the high schoolers.

im becoming frustrated with the whole connor situation. he either gets super angry and mean or super sweet and profound when he’s drunk. no in between. and i don’t like dealing with the uncertainty.

yesterday he was also just saying the most questionable things. he said that when he was dating his ex, his friend called her ugly behind her back and he just fucking laughed. he laughed. and he always talks about how much he hates his ex and how crazy she is. and spencer is constantly telling me that i just need to make the first move. but i won’t be doing that. if, and that’s a huge if, he makes a move, i might reciprocate. huge maybe on that one.

every time he acts out and shows one of his red flags, my friends just say “oh you can fix him!” but i don’t want to have to fix someone. sure, i’d love to grow with someone in a relationship but im not gonna fix someone? he has to do that himself. he’s not a child, he’s fully an adult and if he can’t become a good man, with the capacity to date me, then maybe he’s just not worth it. maybe he was right. maybe im too good for him.

and it sucks, because i thought he’d come home from school more mature, but he’s the same as he was. and im sad. i wish he would do better. im sick of the disappointment with men. so so sick of it.

i can’t help but be a little upset at my friends for pushing this in the first place too. if they hadn’t put that idea into my head, i don’t think i would’ve ever considered a relationship with him in the first place. i would’ve just had another really good friend. but no. i don’t get that because for some reason my friends feel like i need to have a romantic interest?? like obviously i’d love to be in love, but they’ve been trying to push this for almost a year now, and im still not in love. so i don’t even know what to do. idk.

im not sure how to deal with this. i think im just gonna tell my friends how i feel. but im so bad at verbalizing this type of thing so im not sure how well it’ll work out. they also don’t take me seriously when i say things like this sometimes and i really wish they would. it’s so frustrating. and im also afraid of disappointing them. or him. idk. i feel bad but i don’t want to drag it out. idk.

[sellieellie]

things went downhill fast.

the night before mother’s day, my mom gathered us all in the living room to tell us she was diagnosed with breast cancer earlier in the week. it’s very treatable but it’ll be painful and we never know when it could come back.

she was acting nonchalant about it but i know she’s doing it so we won’t be scared. im still scared.

she tested positive for covid the next day. i’ve been taking care of her. my sister tested positive too. all of our mother’s day plans were cancelled.

she’s recovering but it’s hitting her a lot harder than my sister. i’ve never seen her look so worn out. it worries me a lot. i wonder if she’ll be like this until she recovers from the cancer. i wonder if she’ll be like this forever.

i feel selfish for feeling so scared because im not the one who is sick. i hate seeing her like this but i know it must be infinitely worse for her, feeling awful but trying to stay strong for us. i feel guilty for how little grace i’ve been giving her before i knew.

i also feel conflicted. because i know that she’s given me plenty of issues but now i feel even guiltier than before for blaming her since she’s been sick.

im just scared. i haven’t told anyone yet. but moms having surgery soon and they’re gonna wonder where i am when im taking care of her, so i have to. i just hate to put such a damper on things.

im seeing everyone tomorrow. i think that’s when i’ll tell bella at the very least. i know that she’ll tell jason, who might tell his friends. i might leave it to bella to tell the others. idk. i don’t know how many people i can break this news to. i haven’t quite processed it yet. im afraid i might not until i say it out loud.

we’re letting go of will. he betrayed our trust in a way im not sure im ready to talk about. i think i have some other things to process first. for now i’ll just say, i feel manipulated and lied to and i hope he stays away from women for the rest of his life.

this next problem im gonna talk about seems trivial to the rest but it’s kinda nice to focus on something that doesn’t really matter. every time i say something in the big gc, spencer stops responding. im not sure why he has beef with me again. i can’t figure out what i did wrong, he is so wishy washy and it’s so frustrating and im so sick of it. after things ended with us, we talked about it, apologized to each other, and i thought we were good, but i guess not. he got a girlfriend at school so idk why he’s still focusing on our “beef” (which is completely one sided). i just don’t know to fix this. i feel like my presence is a bother to him and so i never respond in the gc and i feel anxious when i go to hang out with friends. idk.

i started my summer job again and i fucking hate it. my supervisor changed and he’s a micromanager and is working me to the bone. i also found out that my coworker who does the job i started out with (i now do more difficult things) gets paid $3 more an hour than i do. so that’s wonderful.

my dad is moving this weekend and im the only kid who won’t be too busy to help him. my sister lives an hour and a half away and the other will be working. so it’ll just be me, him, and his neighbor’s moving company. not really looking forward to it.

we’re supposed to go to our of state next weekend for a funeral. an uncle on my dads side passed unexpectedly a few weeks ago. i feel so bad for that side of my family. they seem to be in a lot of pain about it. i didn’t know him too well but i do know he was very loved.

anyways.

there’s just too much on my mind right now. i have a lot to process and think about. my heart drops every time i look my mom. seeing her weak breaks my heart. i’ll update later if i find the time.

[sellieellie]

we haven’t spoken in years and my heart stops when i see your car drive past in the town we grew up in and your sister unfollowed me on instagram and i forget what your voice sounds like and my dad still asks about you and i can’t listen to your favorite song anymore and i drive to your house sometimes before i realize im not welcome there but i still have every birthday card you’ve written me since i was ten years old in a box under my bed.

[sellieellie]

last night my mother told me that my makeup was too much

and the night before she told me i need to tweeze my eyebrows more often because they make me look dirty

and a few weeks ago she told me the dress i was wearing makes me look short and stout

and last month she said the top i had on made my chest look too big.

but tonight she rubbed my back as i leaned over the toilet and puked up everything i ate for dinner.

she said she wishes there was something she could do to make me feel better.

and that means something,

doesn’t it?

that she at least wishes that i could feel better?

that even though she makes me feel bad, she wishes that she didn’t?

even though she doesn’t exactly know that makes me feel bad,

she would feel sorry if she knew that she does?

would she feel sorry if she knew?

tomorrow night she will tell me to cover up before i go to my friends house.

it will be eighty degrees

and i will grab my jacket.

-ellie

[sellieellie]

PHEW.

finals are over. i passed all of my classes, even the one i was sure i would fail, so i feel pretty amazing. trying to take this win and be proud of myself for this.

i moved out of my dorm on sunday, and it’s so nice to have all of my stuff at home.

im happy to be done with school but i only have a few days before i have to go back to my summer job:/ not looking forward to that but money is money i guess. it’s whatever.

and i also have to help plan and set up for my sisters bridal shower that’s coming up. so i don’t really get a ton of time to relax. maybe a day or two at most. i think friday is gonna be MY DAY. my mom and sister will be work, my room will be clean, and i’ll just get to spend time alone with myself. im excited.

im getting really excited to see my friends and everyone, but probably won’t be able to hang out with everyone until bella gets home in about a two weeks. but i guess i just get those two weeks to adjust to the summer.

one thing i love about college is how much longer my summer is!! by like a whole month!! may 2-august 22!! that’s insane compared to high school. like wow.

anyways. im making an attainable bucket list for summer. i wanna do stuff like read more, go on walks, tan, get outside more, practice ukelele, paint more, etc. i want to do more things for myself. i think that’s really important. i feel like i’ve been on autopilot since august and now that im done with school, i can chill for a minute and spend time with myself.

i think im gonna keep bugging mom about finding me a doctor because i really feel like these “ocd tendencies” are becoming something more (actual ocd). it sent me into a panic attack the other night and i couldn’t sleep about it and it’s just so scary and uncomfortable. i need help.

oh! on a completely different note. bella and i have started brainstorming themes for our bdays and other parties this summer!! she’s gonna do studio 54 for her bday in june, and im gonna do 70s icons for mine in august!! so excited. we’ve also come up with so many more fun ones that we can’t wait to do. we’re gonna use every excuse we can to throw a party so we can have those themes.

anyways. i think that’s it’s for now. just so excited for summer to START. the time before bella gets home and my friends actually begin to hang out feels like limbo lmao. i just can’t wait to get drunk and sit under the stars and laugh and cry with them.

until next time. :)

[sellieellie]

heyyyy. update time.

so i feel like a lot has happened in the past month.

i’ve finally come to terms with my own sexuality! pretty sure in bi but not really sure if it’s more than that. don’t really want to put a label on it right now. over the summer, when i was drunk, i told my sister that but we haven’t spoken about it further until i told her about a girl celebrity crush i had lmao.

i’ve been listening to so so so much boygenius and phoebe bridgers. i want tickets to their concert so bad oh my god.

bella came home for break and i took her to my campus to drink. it was fun and nice to catch up with her. can’t wait for summer.

connor confirmed he’s transferring to my college! he’s living off campus but right by my favorite bar and about a twenty minute walk from my dorm, which isn’t awful. idk how often we’ll even go to each other’s places but lol.

i selected my dorm with people i know from high school and friends of friends. it’s a lot more spacious and nice than my dorm last year so im excited. it’s one of the newer ones. it’ll be nice i think.

i also chose my schedule for next semester and i only have three obligations a day, but it’s every day of the week. but i’ll be done by two every day! which is so nice. and i’ll get work again next semester.

our friends really think connor and i will have something this summer. im excited but also nervous. i don’t want to get my hopes up again. like i said im apprehensive about starting a relationship with him because i don’t know if he’d be the right fit for me but at this point im taking whatever i can get. i think the experience would be nice ykwim. but anyways.

counting down the days until summer. i’ve got my job set up again and everything. hoping to make some good money. but yeah. that’s all for now. im pretty content. mostly because the school year is almost over.

i’ll update again after finals. <3

[sellieellie]

another update!

classes are awful. i’ve never felt to burned out in my life. can’t get shit done to save my goddamn life. but it’s finally spring break!

connor texted me this weekend (which he never does) and i was super excited until i found out bella told him to. we had a little conversation but that kinda ruined it for me. i just wish he would think about me first.

he told me he’s thinking about transferring to my college. i’m excited but at the same time i’m scared. i’m not sure if we’ll even be close enough to be hanging out when he gets here. idk. i don’t want to get me hopes up again. i just can’t deal with the disappointment right now.

work is fine. nothing special at all.

bella is going through a depressive episode and will is also going through something and i’ve been trying so damn hard to support them and i’m doing my very best and telling them that i’m always there for them but i’m also going through it right now too. but i can’t tell them because i don’t want to add the extra pressure to their lives. idk.

i sent bella a care package and i told her it was delivered to her building but she completely ignored the text. and i know she saw it because she texted me about something else right after. idk. i just wish she’d even try. but whatever.

i had a conversation with my dad about getting back on medication and he said he’d start advocating for me. i’m glad but i don’t know if he’ll actually pull through.

anyways. there’s probably more that i missed but i’m tired and needed to get this out. i’m really sad. going through a phoebe bridgers phase. it sucks. bye

[sellieellie]

hi

i feel like i need to talk so i’m back.

i’m honestly not even sure why i’m using fake names because it’s not like any of my friends would ever find this. and tbh if they did, i’m not really hiding anything. so idk. no one even reads these anyway lol.

will and connor have been getting closer now that the go to college together. i sometimes wish i was there with them. i think life would be a lot more fun. idk. it would make me feel a lot less homesick and i think i’d be able to stay at school for longer. but i know people would judge me because i would be going from a big university to a little one. idk. i know where i’m at now is probably better for my academics.

will is doing a lot better. he never answered my text but he still snapchats me and texts me in group texts now. he was hanging out with connor the other night and texted that he thinks we really have a chance for something to happen. he said that connor was saying the things that guys usually say when they really like a girl. idk. next time that happens i’m gonna ask if connor is sober. because i think about this very often. it just doesn’t feel like connor likes me because he never really texts me and we only talk when he’s in town. it makes me sad. i just wish he’d make more of an effort with me.

i’m also afraid because he keeps telling will that he doesn’t feel like he’s good enough for me and i’m kind of inclined to agree. i just don’t think he’s ready to be a boyfriend again. he sucks at communicating and i don’t even know what he wants to do with his life. we only talk when he’s drunk. i just don’t know. but i also feel like he’s saying that as an attempt to let me down easy and subtly say he’s not interested.

there’s also this small part of me that still is interested in spencer. and i thought he had a girlfriend but he didn’t post her for valentine’s day so i don’t really know. and i don’t know if it’s love. but i’ve liked him for so long and i keep thinking about the fact that if he asked, i would go back to him immediately. but i know he wouldn’t. he’s over me. he’s been over me. and he would never do that to connor. but a small part of me is still in love with him. if it’s even love. i don’t know if i know what that feels like.

i cleaned my depression room which was nice. i needed to do that. classes are going alright i guess. things are just. regular. i don’t know. i miss my friends a lot.

i’ve kinda noticed that everyone prefers bella to me except for spencer. i think that’s why it felt so good with him, because he saw the way that she treated me. but everyone treats her like some sort of god. and don’t get me wrong i love the girl, but i just wish people cared about what i have to say. it makes me sad because connor says he likes me, but he obviously enjoys bella’s company more. it makes me wonder if he’s going after me because he wants to be closer with her. even if it’s subconsciously. it could be true. i don’t know.

i could be majorly overthinking it. but i feel like a pleasant surprise is better than an unpleasant one, you know what i mean?

anyways. i think that’s it for now. can’t wait for spring break, there’s just a month left. and i think i’ll get to see everyone when they all come home. i’m excited.

[sellieellie]

hey here’s another update.

so connors ex is being psychotic and she’s faking screenshots of him in other peoples dms. it’s actually insane and it’s really hurting him. he was really upset when he found out but will checked up on him.

speaking of will. he just went through a situationship break up with one of the high schoolers in our group and he was devastated. he’s also still adjusting to college which isn’t easy. i’ve told him multiple times that i’m here if he needs anything but he’s stopped answering. i’m choosing to believe that it’s just because he can’t right now. i know he has people who he’s closer to and i’m hoping he’s talking to them. i’m just not sure what else i can do if he’s not answering.

now that i’m starting to think about summer my ex is coming back in full swing. i’ve started counting and restricting and it’s not great. but i really am looking forward to summer. i hate school rn.

nothing else interesting has really happened. it’s just been the shittiest week. i had the worst hangover yesterday and i couldn’t stop puking it was awful. but the week was just terrible too. idk why that was.

anyways. that’s it. just a tiny update.

[sellieellie]

hey y’all. here’s a small update lol.

winter break was fine. i feel like i was beginning to get the relationships that i had this summer back before they were ripped away again because everyone leaving. katie left the group but i got closer to the other high schoolers. they’re sweet.

connor and i had a moment when we were both really drunk and we haven’t really done anything since. i feel like he’s trying harder around me now though. i’m coming to the conclusion that i only started liking him because i was pushed to him. he’s just kinda messy and i can’t see him being a good boyfriend. he’s just not what i’m looking for in a partner and i’m trying to do what’s best for me right now. however, a little harmless flirting hurts neither of us. maybe. maybe it hurts me a bit. but whatever.

bella and i went out with our fakes for the first time last weekend and we met up with connor and a few of his friends which was fun. i’m just sad that bella has to leave again. i’m gonna miss her. i feel like she kinda becomes a different person at school and when she’s home it takes a couple of days to get her personality back. so this is the last i’ll see of her for awhile. it sucks. but summer will come again soon i guess.

my school stuff worked out at the very last minute, thank god. i signed up for my classes but spots were taken for a lot of them and i had to deal with that. but it’ll hopefully be fine. i also start work soon and i’m a little nervous but it’ll be okay.

bella and i have one last thing planned before she has to leave and i’m sad but we’ll meet again.

i didn’t really feel fomo when all of my peers were going out on weekends last semester but now i do because i know how fun it is. and i’m also getting sad that i’m not living in an apartment next year either. i just wish i had that close group of friends. my goal is to have it by my 21st bday.

i’ve also decided to start manifesting. i really believe that i need to start believing good things will happen for me in order for them to happen. i’m just stuck in a bad headspace and need some hope.

but that’s pretty much it. hoping for friends and lovers and happiness and all of the good things this year.

[sellieellie]

hi. update time.

i passed all of my classes this semester and i made the deans list. i also got a job for next semester. i did spend the last month of the semester staying the night at home every night. i skipped so many classes.

i miss my friends. a lot. things aren’t the same.

i miss my friends. the bonds i formed this summer. we still speak but it’s not the same.

this will isn’t the same one that asked if i was okay after a and night. that told me “you know we all think you’re pretty, right?” after i was rejected. the one that hugged me when i said i would say yes to anyone who wanted to be with me because i felt so alone. the one who laid his head on my lap any chance he got. the one who offered me drinks and joints when i didn’t want to get out of the pool. now he hardly speaks to me when we’re in the same room and he only really talks to the high schoolers.

this connor isn’t the one who exclaimed and got excited when i arrived to the party late. he’s not the same one who said i was “the kindest person he’s ever met.” he’s not the same one who asked me endless questions about who i am and why i’m that way. not the one who felt like he could open up to me. not the one who begged me to stay in the kitchen while i made cake for everyone. not the one who let me share a chair with him when we played cards. now he flirts with katie and tells me to shut up if i annoy him.

this jason isn’t the same one who got matching sunglasses with me to bond over our mommy issues. not the same one who drove me home on drunken nights. not the one who let me borrow his sweatshirt when i needed something to sleep in. not the one who got me a towel when i was cold after the pool. now he only pays attention to the high schoolers. i doubt he even has the glasses anymore.

this spencer isn’t the same one who lit my joints for me. he’s not the one who offered to help me study for my math placement test. he’s not the one who gushed about me in the pool to my friends. not the one who got me tylonel when i was sick. not the one who wrapped me up in a towel when i got out of the pool. not the one who brushed the hair out of my face at dawn. now he has a new girlfriend and he only hangs out with our group to get drunk.

this katie (hs friend) isn’t the one who called me the “best bartender.” not the one who encouraged my romantic relationships. not the one who called me the nicest person ever. now she tells me to get over it and makes plans with me only to do them with someone else.

this isaac isn’t the same one who went to prom with me. the one who made sure i was okay during a bad trip. the one who asked how i was when no one else would. the one who made sure i was safe before he left the party. now he doesn’t even acknowledge me anymore.

i feel like i’m being replaced. there’s this girl that our high school friends were friends with, we’ll call her ava. she’s the sweetest. even sweeter than me. and now everyone is giving her that title. the thing is that that’s the only thing that i had. that’s it. and if i’m not the kindest then who even am i to this group? and the worst part is that i can’t even hate her. she too kind.

i haven’t made any real friends this semester. nobody likes me. i’m not anyone’s favorite anymore. i’m no one. i hate that i base my value on other people but that’s all i’ve ever known.

jason, will, and the high schoolers hung out tonight. didn’t even think to invite me. they even made a joke about me on wills snap story. i shouldn’t feel betrayed but i do. i just thought we were friends?

it’s so fucking hard. i want to feel needed to bad but i’m too depressed to do any of the things that anyone needs.

idk. at least i got through my first semester. even though it sucked ass.

oh and another fun thing! my dad messed up my financial aid and hasn’t paid it yet, so i don’t even know if i’ll get to go back next semester! and i hate being upset with him but god am i pissed. so extremely pissed.

but yeah. that’s all i’ve got. no good updates other than passing. lmfao. maybe things will get better next year

[sellieellie]

okay.

things definitely are just as bad if not worse than they were when i was at the peak of my depression in eighth grade.

i sleep all day and i’m up all night. i am constantly comparing myself to the people around me. i am convincing myself that everything is my fault and that i’m always the problem. i can hardly get up for class. i’m skipping more and more classes. i’m becoming borderline agoraphobic. i’m eating one meal a day. i’m going home as much as a can. i’m hardly studying.

things just suck. and it’s even worse seeing everyone else doing better than me. i don’t want them to suffer the way i’m suffering but it hurts that they’re flourishing without me and i’m fucking dying without them. it all really sucks. a lot.

i’m also starting to second guess my major. i don’t know if i want to do this anymore or if i’ve just been set on it for so long that nothing else sounds like an option anymore.

being smart used to be a huge part of my personality and now i feel like i’ve lost that because i’m not a true stem major.

idk. i’ve never been so lonely in my whole life. it’s so embarrassing and i feel unwanted and like a nuisance everywhere that i go. everywhere. i’m so tired of it.

i also just feel so ugly. no one has approached me on campus. not a single person. not even people in my classes (unless they were forced to). idk i just feel gross.

i don’t know what to do. i should seek therapy but my sisters have tried with my mom and she never helps and this just isn’t something i can go about alone. i can’t do any of this alone.

yet here i am.

[sellieellie]

hello i am back again.

things still fucking suck. genuinely they suck so much. i am so close to going back to my eighth grade playlist from when my depression was at its peak because i think i’m getting there again.

i’m just so fucking angry all the time. and it all boils down to me being angry at myself because i CONSTANTLY WITHOUT FAIL RUIN EVERYTHING GOOD IN MY LIFE BECAUSE IM SO FUCKING SCARED OF EVERYTHING.

i was talking to this guy, and i have been spacing out our talking so much because i’m so scared about it and i took a nap and woke up to find out that he’s already moved on to the next bitch. that could’ve been my boyfriend. if i had just tried harder maybe it would’ve worked out. i wish i could stop with the what ifs but it’s just not possible.

bella’s doing amazing. she has the cutest little group of friends at school, she’s popular among her class, her boyfriends parents are buying her things, everything is just amazing for her. she’s getting the best of her college experience and i’m angry at her for it becAuse i’m so jealous but i’m really just angry at myself because i know i could’ve been there too if i wasn’t so scared. but i’m also fuckinh poor and can’t really afford or go to school out of state and that’s another factor that she doesn’t understand so i’m kind of pissed at her for that.

that trip that i was trying to plan for break? not happening. these people can’t plan to save their lives and it frustrates me to no end. and it sucks because i miss them so bad but i’m so angry at them too. but once again i’m mad at myself because if they wanted to they would and they clearly just don’t want to.

all of our high school friends, and will (who is still in town) have been hanging out. not even bothering to invite me. sometimes even going as far as lying to me about it.

i’m just so fucking tired of it all. so tired. i’m so tired of being perpetually tired. genuinely. I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF IT ALL. WHEN DO I GET A WIN. WHEN DO I GET TO BE BETTER. WHEN DO I GET TO FORGIVE MYSELF. WHEN DO I GET TO LIVE WITHOUT SHAME. WHEN DO I GET TO LIVE WITHOUT WORRY. WHEN DO I GET TO HE FUCKING HAPPY. is it really that much to ask for?

being a teenage girl just fucking sucks. being me just fucking sucks. i don’t wanna be me anymore. i don’t wanna be anyone anymore. i’m sick and tired.

[sellieellie]

wow.

so i’ve been in college for about a month now. things are not looking up lol.

i really have tried to make friends but i’m such an introvert and so painfully anxious and self aware that i can’t bring myself to say hi to people because i think that they’ll think i’m weird. i feel so alone and i can’t tell if it’s because i’m isolating myself or i’m just that unlikeable. it’s hard to believe that i’m not the problem but everything that i do is for other people. why don’t they like me? i’m constantly doing things for them so why don’t i get anything in return? it’s exhausting but i just keep trying and trying.

my family is disappointed that i am not making friends. my roommates are constantly judging me from afar. my best friends are ranting to me from different states. my classmates are ignoring my very existence. i am so lonely. i don’t like it here.

i go home every single weekend and i spend most of my time sleeping. i feel so trapped at home but i feel so lonely at school and i just don’t know which one is worse. it’s so hard. i just want it to get better. i don’t talk to anyone and i feel so guilty about it but no one wants to be my friend. why doesn’t anyone want to be my friend? why am i so alone? what am i doing that makes people not want to be my friend? i’m so nice and i’m so selfless and i’m so open and i’m so caring. what am i doing wrong? i can’t romanticize it anymore i’m too tired. i’m too damn tired.

here are the things that have been happening lately.

my dog died. so that’s amazing. great start to my school year.

this kid ran into me with his bike. when i had a broken ankle. super embarrassing.

my roommates keep making plans without me and they made plans with the boys across the hall but failed to invite me.

bella keeps texting me and talking about her situation which is just some petty high school drama. like wtf read the room. and every time she texts me to complain she goes “i know i shouldn’t be saying this to you lol because i know how things are for you right now”. then don’t say them to me. idk if i was in better mental health i don’t think i’d be so annoyed about it but i already have my own shit to deal with and dealing with hers too is just so exhausting. and i haven’t even told her the worst of it because im fucking embarrassed about how good everyone is doing compared to me. i’m so embarrassed. i’m the only person who knows about most of what’s happening in my life right now.

bella had this situation with her roommate basically where her roommate got high and just said “i’m so jealous of you bella everyone loves you you’re the funniest prettiest nicest person in our class you’re so conventionally attractive” and i know that’s not exactly a compliment but really? and on the phone the other day and she had the audacity to say “so who do you think had the worst roommate now?” and like, i still think it’s me???? like what the actual fuck is wrong with you bella? oh no your roommate thinks you’re perfect that sounds so awful!! at least she fucking likes you and speaks to you and includes you i things!! like not that it’s a competition but just read the fucking room bro.

isaac got a girlfriend at his college and i’m really happy for him. we don’t talk a lot anymore but he seems to be doing well.

spencer is already getting bitches at school and he seems to be having fun lol. they look to be way prettier and smarter and kinder and gentler and skinnier and more delicate than me.

jason is making friends with his roommate and he hangs out with bella often.

connor is also having fun but he’s not a fan of his roommates. his roommates don’t know that though. he has other friends though.

will got a job and he’s doing well. but o feel like he’s drifting away and i’m scared. we used to text a lot more and he seems to be getting closer with out high school friends which makes me sad. i miss him.

there’s still that group chat that my friends left me out of (with our high school friends, bella, and jason) and it makes me so so incredibly sad. i just feel so unwanted and left out and i feel like i’m missing so much. and my friends act so interested in me when we hang out in real life but that group chat makes me feel like they don’t like me. sometimes they’ll post screenshots on their private instas and twitters of the chat and they have so many inside jokes it just makes me feel like an outsider when i was one of the originals in the friend group. the group started out as me and bella, then jason joined, then will joined, then jason brought in the high school friends and bella brought in spencer and connor. idk. i just feel like i’m drifting away from them because they’re making so many memories together in the groupchat and i’m just hoping that maybe they’ll add me to it one day.

this sounds dramatic but i really do feel like they wouldn’t notice if i disappeared. literally only bella would and that would be because she wouldn’t have someone to rant to anymore. but i feel like that’s it. and i’m not gonna disappear like it’s not something that anyone reading this should worry about. it’s just something i’ve been thinking about. no one really cares about me anymore.

we’re planning a trip with the group. it was originally supposed to be all of us, event eh hugh schoolers, but the high schoolers can’t go. so it’s me, bella, jason, will, connor, and our friend from texas. spencer is still waiting for his parents to say yes.

but we’re trying to go to a cabin for a new year’s eve party during winter break. it just sucks because i’ve made multiple spread sheets with info on cabins and pro con sheets and the only person who has glanced at it is bella. and she didn’t even read it she just looked at the pictures. and i have to book the cabin too and basically i’m just the one doing all the work for this trip. it just kinda sucks that they know that i will do it so they won’t even try to help.

but at least it’s something to look forward to this year. even if they don’t want to be there for me. it’ll be nice to be around people i know for a few days even if they don’t feel like being with me. i’ll just stay out of the way and cook and clean and plan while they drink and dance and laugh. it’s good enough for me if i get to see them be happy in person. that’ll make me happy for a moment at least. a moment is all i need to keep going.

that’s life lately. it sucks but what are you gonna do lol. i’m kinda stuck here. still want to transfer but it’s looking less and less possible. i’m gonna talk to my mom about it soon if things get worse. we’ll see. i definitely don’t think i’ll be able to transfer until the end of the year, it won’t be a next semester thing.

but that’s it. hopefully my next update will be better. sorry to be depressing.

[sellieellie]

wow. lots has happened.

bella and i were the only ones to get drunk on friday and we actually just sat in our friends car for most of the game. we had to have someone come pick us up. when i got home i was tired so i went to bed and woke up a few hours later in the middle of the night and i was absolutely devastated. i had just realized that i wouldn’t be sleeping in that bed again for awhile. i was starting to become homesick. i got up and sobbed and my sister found me and tried to help out. we watched a movie and went back to bed.

on move in day, i moved in and my parents were being kinda pissy but i decided to stay home that night. i went back to school the next day but cried before i did. a lot. i just felt so out of place.

after classes started things got a bit better. and bella was still here for my first week so we got to do things on my birthday and stuff.

we went to the art museum with will on my birthday and that was fun. everyone said happy birthday to me except for connor and spencer which really upset me. idk they could’ve just shot a quick text but whatever.

on friday i showed will and bella around campus and then connor called and said he was home for the weekend. so we picked him up and went to see bella’s dad play in his band. we brought alcohol in and got drunk there but didn’t get fully drunk until we got back to bella’s house. it was fun. connor and i are pretty back to normal now but bella doesn’t seem to think so. the next day we all hung out still until the night and then we dropped connor off at home. we then dropped will off. bella dropped me off last and said she’d stopped by my house the next day to say bye.

the next day i had to go to a lunch that my sister was hosting but i was silent the whole time. i was just dreading the goodbye. when she picked me up i wanted to cry so bad but then we started talking a bit more and it got easier. it’s hard for us to cry with each other if we aren’t drunk. she dropped me off at my house and we had an awkward hug and said goodbye. when i walked into my house i started sobbing. it was so painful. then i remembered i left my backpack in her car so she had to come back and i got to say bye again. but that was the last time i see her until halloween(maybe?) and if not then, then thanksgiving. it hurts so bad. i’m so happy to see her do what she’s always dreamed of but i miss her so bad and i’m scared she’s gonna find someone better than me.

i’ve had a really difficult time adjusting. i have three roommates and two of them stick together while the other is always either on the phone or not at the dorm. and i’ve tried to be friends with them. but they never invite me to do things with them and always make plans in front of me without asking me. i have never felt so lonely in my whole entire life. i thought i’d make more friends in clubs and classes but i’ve yet to get any numbers or snaps. the broken ankle definitely doesn’t help either because some of my classes are twenty minute walks.

i keep hinting to people that im gonna transfer and im still holding out hope that it’ll get better but im not sure it will. i just forgot how much i need my friends. the reason i decided on my college is because it’s so close to home and i would be able to see my family but im realizing it’s my friends i miss the most. i’ve spent my whole life with my family. i need to branch out and be with the people who can shape my college years.

im also just seeing everyone else going out and having fun and im pretending like everything isn’t as bad as it actually is. but in reality i speak maybe ten sentences a day at most. and most of the sentences are less than five words. i just feel so isolated but im so extremely embarrassed about it because no one else seems to have that issue. all of my friends and family in college are thriving and i just go to class and the library. i don’t know how much longer i can romanticize it. i feel like im a shell of who i was this summer.

im also just so drained. i share a room with three other girls and there’s almost always someone else in the dorm. it’s so annoying. i just want to be alone sometimes but i never am. and it’s kinda funny because i don’t want to be alone at the same time. i think what i’m trying to say is that if i have to be lonely, then i’d rather be alone too.

idk. it just really fucking sucks. it’s only been two weeks but i just don’t see things looking up. i want to transfer so badly. but i also don’t want people to think that i’m just giving up. but i also have to put myself first. i’m going to give it another month or two and if it still sucks then i’m just gonna start the transfer process. my family said they’re glad i chose not to go out of state but i might transfer where i was going to go originally. idk. we’ll see. i just can’t keep doing this because it’s taking a huge toll on my mental health. i don’t know if i’ve ever been through such a difficult period of change. i’m just sick of suffering.

the school is also just so fucking huge. it’s one of the largest universities in my country and i’m not sure why i thought that would be a good idea for me?? i’m looking at a smaller university that a few of my friends go to (will, isaac, and connor) and it’s about a two hour drive from my home. i’m also looking at a school out of state where jason goes and bella is close to. we’ll see. idk the only time i’m really happy these days is when i think about transferring. but i’m taking it a day at a time and i’ll see if it gets better. i’m hoping it does but i’m not sure that’ll happen.

my friends text in our original group chat sometimes but not always. bella and will text in that group chat with our high school friends a lot but i’m not in it. it makes me really sad because i want to hear from them as much as possible. but whatever. i’m not gonna be somewhere where i’m not wanted.

that’s it. life sucks so bad right now. but it’s just the next four months i guess. i hope. bye.