semimobile

[semimobile]

TWICE in Naver Update: ‘Feel Special’ MV Shooting Behind #4 (x)

[semimobile]

neighbor

[semimobile]

Tired.

I’m very tired friends. Tired of holding everything in. Tired of keeping up appearances. I know neither is necessary. If you knew me, you’d know I have a loving set of parents who would bend over backwards for me and my illness. But it’s exactly that fact I’m so tired of. I’m tired of the constant knowledge that I can never truly be trusted by myself to be alone in public areas. The self awareness that someone always needs to help me stand or grab items for me makes me feel like a child. Unfit of adult world issues I so desperately crave. The debilitating feeling of attempting to online date only to have to figure into each match, would they be alright with not being as athletic, with having to take breaks at standing room only functions, to being limited in adventures we can take simply because I no longer have the stamina? I know people could learn to love me, but how does one get past the way I can feel eyes on me when I walk with a slight limp, or can’t extend my wrist exactly as far as they know an able bodied person can. I am not built for the feeling of pity the public develops when they learn of your physical handicap. More days than I can count, I am fine and I have learned to love myself and handle my issues with grace. I started this blog so I can dissect and handle the days when I cannot. This is my own personal diary to keep track of my feelings, since I cannot keep them in check myself. I am at the end of my 5th year since being diagnosed with Rhuematoid Arthritis. There is not a joint in my body not affected, so my 24 year old life has been slowed to the crawl of a lively 70ish year old person. Honestly I do feel the weight leaving, the one that goes after you’ve expressed a big worry. It feels dumb of me to complain about relationships, but at this point in my life and with the people around me living theirs, it’s hard not to wish this piece of my life could also at least have started. I hope with this blog, I can open new doors for myself by way of friendships and knowledge. How to pick my self up on down days and how to celebrate the good. I am also rarely this formal, I only like the formalities when writing. I can’t promise myself I will update often, but I always have this app open on my second blog which will remain secret, so if anyone out there feels like contacting me please do.