serenadeunderthesea - Tumblr blog

[serenadeunderthesea]

If you don’t get obsessed with creating your home, you are going to obsess over critism.

[serenadeunderthesea]

A free mind is a devil’s workshop

[serenadeunderthesea]

I spent my entire life alone, I never had anyone to call home. Home never felt at home. Loneliness feels like a weakness when you are surrounded by people every day. But being apart and lonely feels accepted. In the four walls at home, I watch every second pass and each moment feels like forever. Each minute feels like the other. I wait for someone to come hold my hand and as each second passes, my relationship with solitude strengthens and there is no one around me to cry too. There is nothing new for me anymore. The world happens and I sit still.

[serenadeunderthesea]

I genuinely believed that at some point God wasn't worried about me anymore. That is the narrative I picked for my life and I stuck with it for 10 years. This is the first time I see that, God had his hands on my life the entire time, regardless of where I stood with him. Even when, I wasn't the best I can be, even when I refused to have any trust in the universe. All I remember is being so exhausted and thinking it would be nice and I would be more than okay if I went to bed and didn't wake up. Because sometimes I get so tired of being tired all the time. Ever since I can remember, there is always something to get over. It's hard to see that God's there when the misery in my mind doesn't stop. It is that simple to lose him.

[serenadeunderthesea]

I simply cannot be one of those people who says that I am happy for people, because I am not. That doesn’t mean I want to stay a cynical human and be a grinch at everyones happiness. I truly want to get to a place where I can say that I am happy for so and so. My only question is, does that place really exist or do people just say that to look pretty? It is really easy for me to be happy for people that either aren’t doing the same thing as me, because they don’t pose as a threat to me or I can be happy for people when my life’s looking great. The happiness that radiates out of me is based on what’s happening in my life and has nothing to do with the other persons success. So doesn’t that make my happiness fake? Now, how do I feel when I see someone succeeding in ways I want too? It sounds like a simple cute nice thing “to be happy for people” but alot of times for me, a negative almost a really destructive feeling is attached when I hear about someone’s success. Sometimes even for things I don’t even care for because I see the joy that person gains from that achievement, it makes me bitter. When I start to collect envy of things I don’t even care for, I start to lose track of what are my own desires and what brings me joy. It is very rare I catch myself before the cycle starts and then months later, I end up with no joy.

[serenadeunderthesea]

June 2,2012

Exactly 10 years ago today we celebrated me

Every moment of it I didn’t understand

Every smile was fake

Each pain felt unnecessary

Little did I know, God was trying to show me the ying and yang of my own life

I went from being dressed up, all attention on me. Every family member was there to celebrate me and I felt absolutely no joy.

I didn’t smile for any pictures until he put that camera down

I ran to go eat some chocolate cake

She was supposed to be there to cheer me up but she was late

I didn’t understand what people prioritized at such a young age

But then we went to sri lanka

And its the first time I saw god’s light

I felt his presence in the form of my grandma’s purity

That moment broke my heart right open

...

Sadly to come back to the same misery

And to maybe never see that light again

[serenadeunderthesea]

Stressed Depressed Lemon Zest

[serenadeunderthesea]

It sucks to know how many messages I missed out from God because of my stubbornness.

[serenadeunderthesea]

I watched a movie it was so good but sad

[serenadeunderthesea]

I realized what I needed on my last week of the trip was just some me time when going to bed. It feels like I ask for loneliness so much I have become a lonely person

[serenadeunderthesea]

I had a lifetime of coldness, to not know what that looks like

[serenadeunderthesea]

I was telling Squish about the card he made me last birthday and I had a moment where my heart broke because I didn’t have that anymore. From one birthday to another, it makes no sense how someone just out of your life. As much as I would logically rather, me be that person for myself and him be that for himself, it hurts still.

[serenadeunderthesea]

My dream was perfect, idk what perfection is anymore

But I’d assume it looked like that

[serenadeunderthesea]

Absolutely loved this spot

[serenadeunderthesea]

Sheesh my posts have been depressing

[serenadeunderthesea]

I wish I got to see my grams again

[serenadeunderthesea]

So I started talking to my friend because I didn’t think it would bother me. I didn’t think I would continue feeling the grief and heartbreak that I had felt in the past 6 months. It isn’t to say it disappeared but it is that I don’t feel the same intensity anymore. No contact and kicking him out of my life with zero trail is really easy. But being friends with someone you care and love for but also who hurt you is the real challenge. I thought I would be sad because I would miss him as my boyfriend but weirdly I don’t. Or at least I don’t think so. I feel sad because just even befriending my friend again, reminds me of how low and lack of self confidence I use to have. Little things he says that is similar to before, brings me back to a place of insecurity I had in the relationship. I would never like to admit that because on paper we made a perfect relationship. But in reality we were in fact the opposite. I hate admitting it but being with him always made me feel small. It isn’t because he made me feel that way. He always encouraged me to be the best version of myself and that is why I love him a lot. The reason I feel small at any reminder of him or just talking to him is because he is someone who is so sure of himself when it comes to being a conscious person. The best way to put it is, for example spiritually he knew what he believed and what his purpose was on this planet. Although, I admired that we had that in common, I never sat down to realize how much I had no idea where I stood and his confidence in his point of view made me feel unsure of who I am as a person. But I do know, it is me that needed to change and not him. The way I feel doesn’t fall on him. The reason I was so angry at him and the break up was because my ego didn’t want to give him the power that he realized we wouldn’t work and that weren’t healthy before I did. With time, my ego is disappearing and I realize I may have never left if he didn’t initiate it. I was too blind and weak to see it. It also made me realize how much I never want to feel this way again. After a few days of talking to him, it also makes me question if this friendship is something I need in my life. It may be because I am traveling but right now it doesn’t affect me mentally. But it also doesn’t serve me at all. We are bonding over the pictures I am taking and of course he will be my number 1 to go to when it comes to this. But I am not confident that he is serving my life right now. That idea breaks my heart because my heart is slowly finding its way to my head and soul. This realization is sad because I talk to my favourite human and I feel numb. But I also do love him, I just don’t need that love back. As crappy as this is, the conciousness I have makes me feel proud of myself for the effort I put to heal this year.