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seriouslysoulsearching-blog · 7 years ago

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In a good mood cause...

I’m going to Florida tomorrow! Can’t wait to travel, relax, and enjoy a vacation. Also, work is going really well. I took all 6 patients with out Michelle (my preceptor) helping me out. I’ve gotten really positive feedback about how I’m doing from both my preceptors (Kelley and Michelle)-- on seperate occasions while I had them they congratulated me for how I did and how I’m going to make an excellent nurse. When I hear it from them it means SO MUCH. They are both such strong, smart nurses who I’d love to develop into. Also, I know I’ve said it before, but the people I work with a really lovely. So helpful, supportive, and kind. Cannot complain for how my life is going.

The only thing is that I feel a little rocky about my body image right now. I don’t know if that’s because it’s around the end of my pack and I should be getting my period (I never know what my pms is going to be like/if it happens/if i even get my period) And I feel uneasy heading into a vacation feeling kinda gross and negative towards my body but I’m really going to try to focus more on what’s around me and what I’m doing that get stuck in my head on how I look and how I feel in my body. I just see my tummy getting bigger (aka: not flat) and I saw a picture of myself from last week and I noticed my legs look fuller. I just look out of shape. It’s sort of hard to see pictures of myself because I immediately see the negative. I should really focus on WHAT’S GOING ON IN the picture. I am so blessed to live the life I do. I am beautiful, smart, funny. I am fortunate enough to have money and buy/do fun things. Who the fuck cares if “I feel fat/gross/bloated” that’s a temporary feeling. I need to be living mindfully!!

Seriously, I think I may get a tattoo of 4 things I need to remind myself on a daily basis:

Don’t hurry. Don’t worry. Be mindful. Be present.

I can’t decide if I’d put them all on one wrist or split them up. I’m thinking I’d put them all together. It’s more aesthetic that way. When I hung out with Lindsay last week, she told me about these temporary tattoos that you design as if it’s the actual tattoo you want so you can test it out to see if you actually want to follow through with it. I’m HIGHLY considering it since I’m seriously thinking about getting a tattoo. Also, a second tattoo I’d get would be of a baby elephant. There is something about elephants that I’m drawn to. Probably because they’re so stinking cute, silly, and also emotionally intelligent from what I’ve heard.

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seriouslysoulsearching-blog · 7 years ago

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I’ve been so, so busy

The whole month of January has practically gone by and I haven’t posted anything! Day shift at work is VERY consuming. The pace is SO different from nights. The first week or two of working days I felt like my head was spinning from trying to keep up with all the buzz of day shift and trying to learn new stuff. Not to mention waking up at 5 in the morning--ugh! I feel like crap every morning I wake up. I just zombie through the first hour and a half until I get onto the floor. However, once the day starts, I hit the ground running. I don’t feel tired during the day because there’s literally any time to sit. When I come home, I’m WIPED. Days has a whole different pace because there’s more daily meds to be given, discharges/admissions happen more frequently, report to the NPs, talking to the patient’s and their families. It’s A LOT but I’m still liking it. I feel so incredibly grateful to be working on the unit that I do. The floor itself is interesting because it’s trauma. It’s not boring as shit like a general med-surg floor would be. It’s a smaller unit and the patients still share 2 to a room and the floor is sectioned off in pods so all my patients are in the same area (i.e: I’m not running all over the place) And most importantly, the staff are WONDERFUL people. So open to giving help and teaching me when I ask questions/ask for assistance. They are so friendly and so nice. Even though I enjoyed nights, I’m going to officially work for days. My manager approached me two or so weeks ago and told me that I would have the option to choose what shift I would work once orientation ends (which is Feb 4th--two weeks away!!???!?!) since there are people leaving on both shifts. I was a little undecided for a few days, but I was sold working for days when I was able to actually be productive on my days off--such as: running errands, seeing friends, or simply having time to myself. I’ve even gone out after work a few times to meet up with friends.

Which brings me to my next point I wanted to mention, I’ve been feeling more up to socializing than I have in a really long time. And most importantly, I finally feel like I’m beginning to be more like myself again. I feel lighter in the sense that my mind is less heavy. Don’t get me wrong, my anxiety is prevalent on the regular, but I’m laughing more sincerely--I mean like good belly laughs, almost crying. I’m getting along SO much better with my mom--I’m able to practice more patience with her. I don’t know if that’s because it’s a good week for me or that’s how it’ll hopefully move forward with my mom. I think now that she see’s me working and making a living, she’s giving me more space/ given me more respect. Which is nice but I should have been getting that regardless. I DIGRESS. Back to my point. I’ve been socializing more as of late. My old friend Jack texted me earlier this week inviting me to see his band play at a place in Philly. He said Cate, Zayna, Jess were going and that after his gig they were just gonna drink afterwards at that bar. I had work that night but I told him I’d come afterwards. I figured I hadn’t seen my old high school friends in quite some time and it would be a great setting to meet up with them--and I was exactly right, I had a ton of fun with them. I felt like I always say I want to hang out with that group when they’re hanging/ say I want to see Jack play, but never follow through. But on Thursday night, I followed through and had a good time. I brought a change of clothes with me to work, got changed and cleaned up in the staff locker room, and pushed through the sleepiness. I’m glad I did! Cate is my true connection left to that group. Well, actually, Zayna will always be my bud too, we’ve always been so comfortable with each other and every time we see each other we leave off right were we left it. Anyway, I’m just proud I followed through this time. THEN, Friday night (yesterday), I met up with Lindsay. I texted her last weekend out of the blue and asked if she wanted to get drinks in the city. I wanted to see her new apartment and catch up. I feel like now that I’m single and working, when I do have time off, I want to be more proactive. I had a GREAT time with her as well. Our conversation was so fun. Considering we’ve known each other since we were three, we’ve had a natural connection, so that too felt really natural. I wasn’t feeling anxious leading up to it or during, which was a concern of mine. Anyway, we walked to a pub called Dandelion a few blocks away from her apartment in rittenhouse. I loved the atmosphere of the place it was so cozy, so packed, and really reminded me of pubs in Ireland. I love that Lindsay is at a point in her life where she’s just so free in terms of like, interacting with guys. Like when were signing the check at the pub, she put her phone number down on the receipt of our cute waiter! Like that is bold! I’d wuss out of doing that. I definitely want to keep going out with her because she’s single like me and just down to have a good time. And I really need that right now. We were joking our goal of the night was for each of us to make out with a guy that night (it didn’t happen, but the night was still great) Then after the pub, we stopped by her apartment to put my leftovers in the fridge. We were sitting and talking on her couch, and I was getting all comfy thinking I’d be ready for bed and even mentioned possibly just taking the patco back home, and Lindsay was like “it’s not even midnight yet. c’mon kait you said we had to find guys that we were gonna make out with. lets go to this bar right down the block for a drink” and I was like welllll I kinda wanna sleep and she didn’t take no for an answer she replied with something along the lines of “cmon lets just go to this bar and we could order water and go home after that” And I couldn’t say no to that! I grabbed my coat and off we went. When we first got to the bar, it was kind of empty. We grabbed a seat at the bar and got chatting with these two super attractive bartenders (we later figure out the one is engaged--sigh--but he was really cool to talk with regardless) We ended up staying there until 3 in the morning hahaha. When we got back to her apartment, we munched on my cold leftover fries and fell asleep in her bed. It was SUCH a good night. She’s such a good balance for me. Lindsay has always been the bossy type and in this situation, it was beneficial! I’m glad she pushed me to get my coat on.

Another major thing: I BOUGHT A CAR TODAY!!! Actually, funny story leading up to that, I woke up at 7:30 this morning (that’s right, I only slept for like, 3 1/2 hours) to make sure everything was lined up so I could get my car today. It was before nine when I got on the Patco. 15th/16th station wasn’t all that busy so I didn’t really think much that when I went underground and got onto the train (which I watched come in, btw) it was empty. The train doors close and the lights turn off. I’m like “hm okay, they’ll come back on in a second, I know sometimes they flicker” well, THEY DIDN’T. And then I noticed it didn’t stop at 12/13th st, or 9th/10th, the train would just blow through them. By 8th and market stop I came to the full realization that I’m on an empty, out of service train! I was underground and had no phone service. My next though was, well WHO am I going to call?? Would I just end up going all the way to lindenwold to the service station and have to bang on the heavy metal train doors until someone saw me?? To be fair, I stayed REALLY calm through this. I realized how comical it was from the getco. So because I stayed calmed, I was able to think about finding a number to called based on remembering there was a sing on train I read every time I take it which says something along the lines of “if you see suspicious behavio , call this number” And it turned out being helpful! The patco police number was on that sig! Once the bridge was crossing over the river, I was able to get service again, and I knew once I’d get back on the jersey side my service would drop for the first few stops since they’re also under ground. So as soon as I saw that 4G icon pop up on my phone, I called the patco police and was like “um hi hello I’m a passenger on a train and I don’t think they know I’m on it because the lights are out and they haven’t stopped at any of the stops yet” hahah sucha funny phone call to make. And they were like, well what train are you on/which direction/what stop do you need to get off on/we’ll contact them/we’ll call you back (in gist) Welp, turns out, it was an express train that was running today for the women’s march that was goin exclusively to and from 15th street stop to collingswood. WHOOPS. Hahaha. Makes for a great story and I got plenty of laughs out of it today. And I managed to make other people laugh while telling it. It was a fun mini adventure to have while mildly hungover.

I’m going have to finish talking about my day today tomorrow. I have work in the morning and it’s almost 10:30. I NEED SLEEEEEP so tired. Especially from today. So exhausting! I did so much running around. As soon as I got off the patco, I was calling the car dealership about faxing stuff over to my credit union in order to secure the loan. The loan office was only open til 1 today so I had a time crunch. By the time the dealership sent over the proof of purcahse papers to the credit union, it was 11. And I called twice in the morning and couldn’t reach anyone. So I decided to drive over there myself to hopefully speed up the process of getting that check from the credit union. I get to the office building around 11:45 and the woman was like “well, I may not be able to process it today because there’s another person who I was gonna do the car loan paperwork and I may not be able to do yours before 1 today” blah blah blah. But I was like “welp, I’m just gonna sit here” and sure enough, I got helped on. While waiting for the loan person to get all my paper work ready for me to sign, I had to call the insurance company and open up my own policy. And I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. Honestly this whole process of buying a car, I’ve basically followed my mom’s suggestions (she’s more informed) but I have like barely a fucking clue about the interest rate, car insurance, and loan shit. My brain was FRIED. Not to mention, I was moderately hung over, and hadn’t gone home yet. So it’s like 1 PM by the time I sign my loan paperwork and get the check, and I’m STILL wearing my outfit from last night, with the make up I didn’t wash off my face from the night before, smelling like B.O. So I quickly race home, shower off my hang over, and shove my face with food because I hadn’t eaten at all at that point. Then around 2:30, I headed down to the car dealer with my mom to pick up my car. That shit took almost two or so hours to get done as well. I was so eager just to get the fuck out of there. Doing this whole adult thing is fucking exhausting. I was running around ALL day today for this fucking car purchase. It was damn worth it though because I absolutely love my new car. I love love love it. Every thing about it. I feel so comfortable driving in it. I enjoy being higher up off the ground--I can see so much more.

Okay so I said I was gonna go to bed but ended up writing all that so now I REALLY need to stop typing and get some sleep because it’s almost 10:45 and I’ve gotta be up sooner than I’d like. It’s kinda funny that everything I wrote is basically from this past week. It goes to show how much goes on on the day-to-day. I still have to talk about that date I had with a guy named Dan and my current feelings about looking for guys. But for now...zzzzzzz

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seriouslysoulsearching-blog · 7 years ago

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Hi there 2018

I ended the 2017 year and entered the new one having SO much fun. First of all, I’m proud of myself for steadily drinking through out the night so the drunkness didn’t hit me all at once--it was pretty consistent through out the night. But I would accredit that to the fact that I put my drink down for long periods of down because I was dancing my ass off! My cousin Christy and I were the belles of the ball. Apparently that’s an old saying but it’s most appropriate! She and I feed off each other’s energy and we were both in dancing moods last night. Diana told us we were keeping the party alive or whatever. Not that it wasn’t a bad party but usually there’s more people dancing. Towards the end of the night it picked up! More people were joining in, linking arms, getting in group circles, ya know the usual for our types of parties. I danced for probably for five hours and that’s not an exaggeration. I’m feeling so sore this morning though. It feels like I might’ve slightly pulled a muscle in my calf muscle.

Anyway, I feel SO lucky I could ring in the new year with my cousins. I feel blessed to have such incredible siblings and cousins--there’s so much laughter and joy between us all.

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seriouslysoulsearching-blog · 7 years ago

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Songs I feel like were relevant/helpful to listen to during 2017, especially the past few months.

1. Dua Lipa - “New Rules”: her rules are actually critical to follow with a break up. I shouldn’t have kept talking to my ex when I originally broke up with him because my gut feeling was nagging me for so long and even when we tried again it never subsided. I knew when I agreed to try again that it was mistake. And also, this was helpful to listen to to help confirm why I had to completely shut him out (block his number, etc) because there’s no other way to deal with the situation to my benefit, it would only hurt me more and not change anything.

2. Demi Lovato- “Sorry Not Sorry”: this song was a pep song when I was feeling good because I was celebrating no regrets and being proud of knowing my self worth. And not feeling guilty about that either.

3. Destiny’s Child- “Survivor”- I heard this song on the radio this morning on my way home from night shift and sparked this post. On Christmas Eve, my dad said to me even though 2017 served me shit, I was able to get back up time and time again. And it’s true. I feel better. The first two months post-break up was such a tumultous time. But now, I feel like my brain is finally shifting to thinking of me more. I find myself thinking of my ex, his dog, his friends, etc less and less. It’s been a fucking relief. I truly feel like I’m moving on.

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seriouslysoulsearching-blog · 8 years ago

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This year was such ass

2017 you were not my year.

After Christmas Eve dinner, I was walking out with my dad to drive over to my Aunt Michelle’s house for drinks and dessert and we were commenting on the Christmas lights on neighbor’s houses. I admitted that it doesn’t really feel like Christmas this year, how I no longer feel the specialness of the holiday anymore and my dad something that really stood out to me: a lot of people look forward to the holiday and build up towards it because it’s the end of the year and it’s something to celebrate about. And for me, this year was sucky.

He was right. I feel like the past few months my head has been in a whirlwind, and suddenly it’s the end of December--the end of the year and I can’t express the same excitedness it’s had to offer. It’s been such a difficult year between the most intense and stressful semester of school, living in Manayunk (where I was miserable and hated it), studying for the boards, taking the boards, looking for jobs, and breaking up with my ex. My anxiety has been exasperated and I’m exhausted by how prevalent it’s been on a daily basis. I’m exhausted by all the emotions I have been going through. I left a relationship feeling totally lost and scared--not knowing what I wanted or who I was.

This upcoming year, I’m truly going to focus on me. I’m going to remove myself from all social media apps because I’m so sick and tired of looking at other people’s lives and feeling left out or whatever. It’s all a fucking facade anyway. I don’t need to show off the life I’m living to feel like it’s a good one. I need to live my life without sitting and looking at other’s. I need to stop using dating app where all I do is look for 4-5 pictures and read a short bio and think I’ll like the person based on that. What I really need to do is meet a guy in person that way I know the chemistry is there or not almost immediately. BUT the main thing is that I’m not going to go out of my way to meet a guy. I can’t get myself emotionally invested in someone else, I need it to be me.

I want to invest myself into hobbies: I want to travel and get back into photography. Get outdoors more. Start hiking. Finding cool outdoor areas to walk around/ride my bike in. Do more things in the city--like finding good eats. Find recipes to cook and bake. Read more, watch TV less. Invest into my friendships--ones that I currently have and new friendships I will make. Volunteer and give back. Save my money for a down payment. Buy a fixer upper and use the toolbox my dad gave full of different tools to build my own home.

I’m done sitting around looking at other people live their lives. I want to break free from this anxiety. 2018 you’re going to be so much better than this past year. I’m going to feel happier. I’m going to learn more about myself and develop myself. I’m going to be more active. This upcoming year is going to be all about me--it’s going to be all about growing and prospering.

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seriouslysoulsearching-blog · 8 years ago

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Making some resolutions/goals

I think New Years resolutions are kind of lame, but I’ve been brainstorming some resolutions I like to make. I would say broadly speaking, I’m going to focus more on me. I’m want to develop more of myself by finding hobbies, doing and seeing more and LESS sitting on my phone/computer wasting my precious life watching netflix, looking at pictures on instagram, or clicking buzzfeed links on facebook. Life is so limited, there’s only THIS time in THIS very moment that I have to live. I don’t want to look back and remember all the times I just laid in my bed and looked at other people living their lives. I’m just gonna list off whatever comes to my head:

-read more, watch netflix/TV less (keep in touch with your shows you like but don’t just sit around trying to find something to watch)

-explore the city more--eat at restaurants, find bars you like to drink at

-travel more

-get outside more--hike, travel, bike

-cook and bake more

-be financially smart

-build up my credit

-save money for a downpayment on an apartment/house

-buy a property within the next year (and a half, maybe)

-don’t go out of my way to date, i’m gonna focus on ME

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seriouslysoulsearching-blog · 8 years ago

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Not in the holiday spirit

I’m not really that into the Christmas season to begin with, but this year, I’m really not into it. I almost feel like I’m dodging it. I haven’t voluntarily listened to Christmas tunes because when I hear them they make me feel hollow in a way. I’m not sure if hollow is the right word nor sad/lonely. It’s hard to pinpoint the exact emotion but all I know is that I don’t feel the merriment when I look at Christmas trees, lights, decorations or hear christmas music. Part of it is because even though I’m moving on, I don’t exactly feel happy? When you’re in love there’s so many positive emotions. I think what I’ve been struggling with is losing my best friend. Losing that person who knew the ins and outs of you. Someone you could lay in bed with and giggle and do silly things to each other. All those little happy moments are gone. Someone you could come home and tell your day about. I cherished all those little moments and now that I don’t have them it’s a strange feeling.

Like last night, at the nutcracker, I sat next to an older couple who you could tell still love each other after decades probably of being together. He would rub her back and she’d put her arm around his neck. They’re affection was so simple and sweet. I want that unconditional, ever lasting love. I knew he loved me unconditionally which made it that much harder to leave him but fundamentally there was something missing. I wasn’t getting exactly what I needed which was to feel like a priority, bottom line. It’s scary thinking about venturing out into the dating world eventually. I’m afraid I’m going to get played, get cheated on, whatever. I’m worried I won’t find someone who will love me unconditionally, someone who will know the ins and outs of me.

I’m thinking maybe once my family comes together it will feel like the holidays, but with work I feel like I’ve been going through the motions or just sleeping when I get the chance.

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seriouslysoulsearching-blog · 8 years ago

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Some stories from this week

As I write this at 6:30 in the morning, after being awake for 2 hours already, it’s safe to say my sleep schedule is totally fucked from working nights.

I worked 3 12s in a row which was my first time since starting orientation. Doing that wasn’t TOO bad I would have to say that after effects of it are more rough. I got in yesterday morning from working and slept for a couple of hours until having to get ready to go out. I bought my mom tickets to see The Nutcracker performed by the Pennsylvania Ballet at the Academy Music for last night. I guess I was feeling ambitious thinking I’d be up to go out when I originally bought the tickets last weekend. Between the orchestra and the graceful dancing, I was nodding off through the entire show but I don’t think my mom could tell. I’m still glad I went! I purchased the tickets as a Christmas present for my mom--she likes to see the nutcracker every year during the holiday season. PLus she always says she prefers “presence not presents” so this gift was a perfect way to combine the two. The show was really great--the dancing was excellent, the costumes were wonderful, the live orchestra was the cherry on top. And the venue is truly elegant. I’m putting a picture of it below.

We read in the pamphlet that the Nutcracker has been performed since 1892--that’s 125 years! That’s amazing. I like forming and keeping traditions and seeing this show each holiday is one I’d like to upkeep with my mom. I would definitely go back to see the PA ballet again next year, but with a better seating choice. I chose seats where we were up sort of high and on the side so we had to crane our necks a bit and sit towards the edge of our seats to see some things but I’ve seen the show enough to know what’s going on and could still appreciate the dancing that I saw from my seat.

Moving on...

I’ve seen a lot from orientation is terms of patient conditions. Meaning what kind of trauma, the types of lines and drains, etc. This past week I learned how to do tracheostomy care, gave meds/gave bolus of feed through a PEG tube, saw a rapid response happen (that was on the oncology floor), and performed post-mortem care (also on the oncology floor)

But let me backtrack to earlier this week with work. The second shift was straight up ass because this one patient we had was-to put it politely- had a low pain tolerance. He was a young guy in his early twenties who broke his hip. He was so fucking anxious because of his trauma, his pain, and being in a hospital which I totally get. BUT, he was being a huge wimp about the pain. He’d say “miss, miss hold my hand” “miss, miss this hurts so much i don’t think i can do this” and he’d whine and moan/groan ALL night even with his pain medications. Literally started yelling when Kelley and I left the room to care for other patients to get attention from us. The most frustrating part was that he didn’t like I was orienting and being his nurse. He basically under-minded me with everything I tried to do, even though it was under Kelley’s instruction/Kelley was literally right there. He’d say “I want a different nurse” and then Kelley come in and literally do the same thing I was in the middle of doing. It was THAT part that was most frustrating and by the fifth hour of this nonsense I could barely hide my frustration with this patient. He just made the night that much more difficult for us.

On our third night, my preceptor got pulled to the oncology floor. She was running late to work that night too. When we arrived, we scurried down to the oncology floor and while on the elevator Kelley said “the past two times I got pulled to the floor my patient passed away...who knows if it’ll happen again” We get off the elevators and make our way to the floor, which by the way, is in the newer building where patients get their own room. Which makes the floor bigger, longer, and more spread out. So after getting our room assignments at the nurse’s station, we walk down the long hall only to hear/see an upset woman crying on the floor surrounded by family and one of the nurses. It turns out one of the patients we would have had that night passed away literally minutes before. That was surreal to see. What got even more surreal was that my preceptor and I did postmortem care once the family finally said their goodbyes. We actually waited an hour after the family left because there were meds to be handed out--which was SO weird to me because in the back of my mind I was like “there’s a dead person just laying in a bed” but in terms of prioritization, addressing the needs of the living patients were more apparent than the one that wasn’t. Sounds harsh but it’s true. Anyway, it was probably 3 hours after the woman passed and her family said goodbye that we had time to go into the deceased patient’s room. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t freaked out. There was tranquil music playing from the TV and the lights were sort of dim which made it even more weird. They didn’t close her eyes when to doctors came in to pronounce her dead so when my preceptor tried, they didn’t really close. So her eyes stayed open and I remember the white part was turning black and the eyes just looked glossy. Kelley told me I could take out her IV and that it probably won’t bleed, but it it did. Once I pulled the IV this watery blood started coming out and it makes me feel sick to my stomach picturing it again. We wrapped her arms and legs overlapping each other and tied them with a cloth tie. I remember the distal parts of her like her hands and forearms were cold. I had to wash my hands with warm water after to get the coldness out of my hands. We even used a tie to close her mouth shut. Another nurse came in to help us move her into a body bag. And that was it. We zipped it up and left the room to call for a transport to the morgue. Afterwards, later that night, my preceptor even said that freaked her out a little bit (especially the eyes open part) and that wasn’t even her first time doing postmortem stuff.

Another one of our patients was a hip looking, soft spoken, chill sixty year old man who had stage 4 stomach cancer. He came in with nausea and vomiting and after some tests, he got that diagnosis. He was so pleasant to talk to, he was completely independent in his care, just needed his pain medications occasionally, but otherwise fine. He was there to get his esophageal stent removed and as we prepared him for surgery that morning, he was saying he’s come to peace with his diagnosis and after surgery will go to Rhode Island and be on hospice. Kelley and I were saying we just wish him the best and how glad we are that he can be at peace and the patient started tearing up. I remember the love he had in his soul as he smiled and looked at us. It was so sad to walk out there and realize he was going to die eventually and sooner than later. It’s unbelievable to realize that, I sort of felt in disbelief.

Also, that same night, I stationed myself at a computer near my preceptor but in front of a different patient’s door. It looked like there were two female relatives staying with this patient because I remember seeing a middle aged woman walk in and then a few minutes later a thirty year old. And that’s when I heard “Can I get a nurse in here????” Mind you, these rooms are a decent size and they have big solid doors on them so it sounded kind of faint. Before the younger female walked in I looked at Kelley and said “do you hear that?” and looked at the woman and said “is everything okay in there?” and before she replied we heard it again but louder and more panicked “can i get a nurse in here??” and that’s when we realized it was coming from that very room. We barge in and the patient seizing on the chair. She was unconscious for about two minutes and during that time one of the nurses who came running in called a rapid response. The patient ended up regaining consciousness, fortunately. She projectile vomited and now whenever I smell anything cheesy like cheesy puffs or something I become a bit nauseated. I’m not sure what they ended up doing for the patient but it seems like everything was okay afterwards.

Kelley says I’m really lucky because I’ve seen a lot. I certainly agree!

Also, I figured out I’m scheduled to work days once orientation is over. Last week my preceptor spoke to the nurse manager just asking about how she was going to schedule me since I was hired as “days with nights as needed” and the nurse managed looked a bit confused and said she hired one of the orientees for days, and the other for nights. However, after further evaluation (aka: looking up my offer letter) my nurse manager was mistaken and said that still, one of us would be days one of us would be nights. Now, I’ve been enjoying nights because of the people who I’ve worked with. Every one is still relatively young and they’re funny. They like to poke fun at each other and about the patients. They’re sort of tough but have also been totally welcoming to me especially when it comes to learning opportunities. The schedule works for now, I mean, I’ve adjusted to nights. But on the other hand, if I worked days, I’d have some normalcy with my schedule but I’d make a little less since I don’t get the night pay. And the women who work days are mostly older nurses who’ve been working on the floor for 10+ years. And the flow of day is different. But I can’t tell if I’m going to like days or not since I haven’t yet trained on days, I swap at the beginning of January. When I looked on the online scheduling system, I looked ahead at the next schedule period (which is 6 weeks) and I noticed two things: 1) my orientation got extended through the whole month of january and into the first weekend of february --which is AWESOME. i’m very pleased they extended the time. it would have been barely 8 weeks if they hadn’t extended it, now it’s more like 10/11 weeks 2) i got scheduled for days once my orientation is over. i was bummed to see patty got nights but also felt conflicted because i don’t know how i’ll feel about working days! i truly feel like i’m flexible. and the thing is, some of the nurses I like who work nights are planning on leaving within the year, some as soon as 6 months so i’m going to continue to keep an open mind with the shifts. there’s pros/cons to working either--i’m just grateful to have a job!

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seriouslysoulsearching-blog · 8 years ago

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Things that I learned/performed this shift:

-successfully inserted IVs on two different patients!

-set up an IV with antibiotics and normal saline

-took on 5 patients in terms of performing assessments, documenting, administering meds, and giving report on them (just last shift I took on 3! But this bunch was manageable)

-changed out a drainage unit of a chest tube (in the TSDU with guidance)

-performed tracheostomy care (again, in TSDU with guidance)

-neck brace collar care on 2 patients

-changed out the inner cannula of the tracheostomy (with assistance)

-gave meds and bolus of feed via peg tube

All in all a great night! Learned a lot!

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seriouslysoulsearching-blog · 8 years ago

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Nursing is absolutely what I was meant to do

My parents have said it before. My clinical instructors said it. Even my psychic told me nursing is what I’m meant to be doing. And now, I can say I completely agree.

This is my second week of training. I’ve been working night shift (and will be for the rest of December) I’m grateful for being put on nights for the first part of my training because the pace is different. There’s time for my preceptor to be able to explain and show things to me whereas on the day shift it’s constantly go go go. There’s really no time to actually stop and understand why you’re doing what you’re doing. Plus when there’s down time, my preceptor Kelley, shows me how to use the documenting system or she teaches me skills. All the nurses on the shift know I’m brand new so anything interesting they may have with one of their patients they reach out to me. It’s been a HUGE learning experience. And because I only have 7 weeks of training total, I’ve really just been throwing myself into everything that’s presented to me. I try not to be intimidated but rather eager and open to it all. Which btw, I OVERCAME MY FEAR OF DRAWING BLOOD. I NO LONGER PASS OUT BRIEFLY WHILE WATCHING IT. On my second night Kelley asked me if I wanted to practice inserting IVs on her and I was like “Sure!” She talked me through while I was doing it on her, navigating me on where to turn the needle in order to get blood. And you know what, I was doing really well! I was 4 for 4 attempts. Every time I got it, Kelley would be like “ok, lets do it again” Also, one of the other nurses working wanted me to try on her and let me get her in the hand! However, Tuesday night when I was practicing again on Kelley I wasn’t as successful. However, one of the other nurses need to insert and IV on her patient and asked me if I wanted to try. I was a bit hesitant only because I literally just tried with Kelley and didn’t work and the nurse was like “come on...” and I was like you know what SURE. And I ended up getting the patient just fine with some guidance of Kelley of course.

That’s what I’m most proud of as of yet. I over came my fear of getting an IV/drawing blood and it was only my second night!

Kelley, my preceptor, is a couple of years old than me/been a nurse for 3 years. She’s very knowledgable, very confident, very efficent at what she does.She’s slightly intimidating but I’ve always learned to never succumb to it and just be confident in front of those people. She also is an excellent preceptor.

-I can tell she’s beginning to like me -She lets me do things on my own -Always letting me do things, even if it’s my first time -Gave me great advice: “keep it simple” -I can tell the night nurses like me as well; they’ve told me I should work night shifts -Kelley said herself I’m going to make a great nurse -I was complimented on how I gave report today

I’ll write more about this later. I have plans with Kelly and Kira.

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seriouslysoulsearching-blog · 8 years ago

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Been a while!

It’s been over 2 weeks since I last posted anything on here so I’ll try to write what’s been going on to the best of my capability.

As of today, I’m feeling good about myself. I haven’t focused on my body, haven’t critized myself in the mirror, or felt crummy about the way I look. I’m grateful to have four limbs that work, a smart brain, eyes that can see. After working a few shifts, I am grateful for my body to keep me going for 12+ hours, taking care of people. Also, I’ve been so active and busy that I don’t really even care what I eat because I know it’s all balancing out. What I’m putting in is getting put out and probably then some. I’ve been making sure to pack healthier snacks with not so healthier foods to balance it out. Since I’ve broken free of controlling what I’ve eaten (which has successfully been 6+ months) I’ve sort of been enjoying all the foods I once thought were “junky”. For example, I’ve been going through a boxed mac and cheese phase since the early summer. It just recently ended but I’ve moved on to cosmic brownies. The most amazing thing is that since I stopped controlling, my body is at ease and accepting of what I feed it! Even if it’s loads of cookies, chocolate, ice cream, donuts. My sweet tooth is in heaven, my dentist isn’t gonna be too pleased though.

My therapist and I spoke about writing a list of things I like about myself and to do it while I’m feeling good so when I’m not I can look back and read it...so here we go: -i like the color of my hair. it’s natural color is so beautiful--it’s a dark blonde with tones of copper and brighter highlights. i’ve had hairdressers compliment me and tell me how people pay a lot to get my hair color -i like my naturally thick, beautifully shaped eyebrows -i like my big beautiful blue eye. which are green toward the pupil -i like my straight teeth and pretty smile -i like my freckles which mostly like to come out during summer but the ones that stay during winter are nice too--specifically the one of my lining of my eye -i like my personality: caring, loving, sarcastic, sassy, sweet, witty, funny -i like my height -i like that i’m not afraid to look someone in the eye and talk to them without being uncomfortable -i like how my butt and legs get fuller before anything else

That’s about it for now. I worked last night and only slept for a few hours so I’m not totally gonna think as straight as I normally would.

I’m also feeling good about myself because I’m doing really well so far with training. This is my second week of work. I just worked my 5th day last night. I think I may just make another post about this because it’s probably going to be lengthy and I wasn’t anticipating writing so much about body image and self esteem but I’m letting my brain flow right now.

But before I write about work, I did want to briefly update how I’m dealing with heartache and this whole break up. There were a few nights this past week tgar I was dreaming about my ex. There were two back to back nights that I dreamt about him and when I woke up that second morning, I couldn’t help but feel a little sad. I was sad about what I was dreaming about. I was sad and frustrated that he and I have unfinished business and that unfinished business is literally haunting me in my dreams. It upsets me that he and I couldn’t have a conversation about why I broke up with him. He was impossible to explain things to, it was impossible for him to see my perspective and for him to validate any of my feelings. I had to block him in all aspects of my life otherwise it would’ve have been an endless loop of me trying to explain myself. I wish we had a better ending, it’s doesn’t sit well with me that he didn’t understand me and that I was misunderstood. He probably will never understand. So after being frustrated that morning, I did cry and let it hang over my head while I got ready for work, but as soon as I was on the floor, all the thoughts looming in my head went away. We had a really busy night on Tuesday.

Starting work has been a huge distraction and platform for me to really start moving on. I’m learning so much every shift. I am constantly doing something. It’s been really good for me. Especially because I’m doing well. I KNOW this is what I’m meant to be doing.

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seriouslysoulsearching-blog · 8 years ago

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View from the conference room today

I feel so blessed and grateful! Finally feel like I’m in the right place at the right time in my life.

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seriouslysoulsearching-blog · 8 years ago

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Started my job today!

Today was the first day marking the start of my nursing career. There was orientation all about the hospital and it’s values, policies, etc so it was a bit boring sitting in a conference room all day in stiff business clothes and I have three more training days before I’m even on the floor.

What I’m most proud of myself today was that I wasn’t a nervous wreck! I hate having to travel/navigate somewhere new, meet new people, etc. Normally I feel uncomfortable. But not today! I was cool, calm, collected, and CONFIDENT.

As I sat at the table, learning about the institution I’m working for and looking out the window at the bridge and skyline, I felt like I am in the right place at the right time in my life. I finally feel like I’m supposed to be a nurse. Like I deserve to be there. Which may sound silly, but honestly, I’ve doubted myself every step of the way during nursing school. I would get positive feedback from my nursing teachers, clinical instructors, and even just nurses on the floor who made me feel like “this is what I’m meant to do” but I never fully believed myself. But honestly, I’m sick and tired of living in doubt and shying away from my true potential.

My therapist and I talked last week about getting ready for my new job. I could feel the self-doubt thoughts creeping in already and asked how I could deal with this before I was consumed by it. And my therapist’s advice was extremely helpful. Each day, I’m going to reflect on the positive of the day--what I learned, what I knew, what I did good with. And each day, each week, each month, I can look back and reflect on my progress! This is such a healthy habit instead of what I normally would do--which is to fixate on what I didn’t know, what I didn’t do correctly, etc. My therapist also made a good point: they hired me KNOWING I’m BRAND NEW. They’re not gonna be surprised, they’re going to expect to teach me everything. Which is honestly reassuring. It’s not realistic to think I’m going to be a “great nurse” when I literally have zero experience, I am a clean slate. I don’t want to come off as nervous/self-conscious so we also discussed how I can present myself which will be more like “I’m really excited to be here and I’m eager to learn as much as I can because I’m brand new” I think this will help keep my rocky confidence stable and build it up from here with these new habits.

ON A DIFFERENT NOTE... I went on a date(ish) this past Saturday. LOL at myself after swearing off dating and then going out again. This guy, Adam, was someone who I connected with on Bumble before turning my profile off and deleting the app from my phone (for my mental well-being) Adam actually asked me out after the first guy fiasco, and I was upfront about not being ready because I got out of a relationship relatively recently. He said he understood as he too got out of a 3 year relationship in August. A few days went by, I sent him a snapchat video of my cat, and I ended up just texting him. We texted for almost a week straight and discovered how much we have in common. He’s also really funny and my kind of weird. We decided to hang out and watch “It’s Always Sunny” together Saturday night at his apartment (since I haven’t seen it all and it’s leaving Netflix at the end of the year)

Honestly, we had a good time! I was so nervous I hardly remember what we were talking about but he was showing me shows on Netflix and teaching me how to use chop sticks before the sushi got delivered. We also snuck downstairs to the unit below him since no one is living there yet. It was spooky but fun. He was taller than me (praise jesus) and CUTE. Not necessarily my exact type but still cute and his personality was very attractive. When we met outside his apartment door he hugged me and invited me. He’s just a friendly, goofy guy who made me smell for what the sour food was in his fridge. After we came back upstairs from sneaking around, I went to my purse to get a mint because I didn’t want sushi but struggled to open my gum package open. I think he might of thought that was a single I wanted to kiss because when I turned around (not successful opening it anyway) he kissed me in the middle of the kitchen. All through out the night I was welcomed to the idea to him kissing me, and while he did, I still welcomed it, HOWEVER, the kissing was a FLOP. We just did not mesh. I couldn’t tell whether he was kissing me on the lips or had his tongue in my mouth so I’d pull away and it felt like we weren’t just kissing on the lips but I didn’t feel his tongue??? Like when I make out, I like serious tongue action. Not like the porn kissing where it looks fucking nasty but more like when your tongues are intertwined passionately. I remember my old high school describing that he wanted to almost play tonsil hockey. Which is hilarious and I appreciate him describing it like that because it turns out I really like it like that. And that is something Adam and I could not agree on. So I pulled away in the kitchen, then we started again in his living room, then moved to his couch where he invited me to sit on him (I like) but the kissing did not improve. Was it because we were both pretty tipsy? We sat on the couch for a couple of minutes talking, and it felt a tad awkward probably because we both didn’t enjoy the kissing. I felt like I was maybe getting the vibe he was “tired”/didn’t want me there, so I said I was gonna get going. He walked me to his front door and hugged me goodbye.

When I was walking away, I was sure we’d probably never hang out again. Which was sort of a bummer because he has a great personality. So when I got home, I texted him and thanked him again for the dinner, told him I had a really good time, and said I wasn’t sure how he felt about it but if he wanted to hang out again, to let me know. Well....he didn’t text back Sunday afternoon but what he said was actually kind of hopeful. I had to consult Kelly and Kira about his text because I couldn’t get a sense on whether he sounded sincere. He said something along the lines of “i had a lot of fun, you’re really cool. i’ll be on a business trip for 12 days (which is true--we talked about it) but maybe when I get back we can hang out” the maybe is what stumped me.

I got some polar advice on how to text back. Kira recommended saying something like “I’d like that! Let me know when you’re back in town” and just saying that. Kelly, however, said I shouldn’t respond at all. She went on to tell me that I should enter the my career feeling focused and not dragged down my uncertainty and negative shit that comes along with dealing with boys (OH, THE BRAIN THING! I don’t think I mentioned it on here--Brian told me the night before thanksgiving that we was really into me, then then GHOSTS ME--like literally removed me on snapchat, blocked my number. i messaged him on instagram and called him a pussy, no lie. It was funny and absurd to figure out I was getting ghosted like honestly it’s such a pussy move I can’t even deal with that like BYEeeee boy!!!!)

Anyway, back to what Kelly was advising me, she said that what I went through with this break up was really intense and that I’m still fragile even though I’m beginning to feel good. I need to focus on ME. I almost want to screenshot what she said because it’s true.

But what did I end up doing? I double texted Adam. I said what Kira told me to say and then an hour later wished him a good business trip with a lil joke attached to it. He replied and then wished me good luck on my orientation. I’ve snapchatted him twice today but haven’t texted him.

I KNOW what Kelly said is so fucking true. I don’t need anything else on my mind except for my career. And hanging out with positive people. I remember coming home after hanging out with Adam, convinced we wouldn’t hang out again, and telling myself I should start seeing someone when I feel more self-assure, more self-confident. Someone who has hobbies who just hasn’t sat around for the past few months moping on the fucking couch. BUt also, part of me wants someone to hang out with. I don’t see myself dating soon but just someone of the opposite sex to get a drink with at the bar, watch a movie with, do something in the city with, whatever. I see myself being able to just do that without getting to emotionally involved or am I just blinded my naivety? Is that even a word?

Part of me wants to check the bumble app just to see if he’s actually in FL on his business. He said he was like 80% sure he was gonna get sent out. Part of me thinks that maybe he’d just say we’d be in touch after his trip as an excuse to let things fizzle out. My dilemma here is, should I let it fizzle out? What I DO know is that I need to give this dude space. Especially because I wasn’t totally over the moon by him, but he was certainly someone I wanted to hang out with more. Which btw, he was very respective about the recent break up and we didn’t even call it a date (even though sushi, netflix, and smooches totally is) I redownloaded the app but I’m to fight off my urge to log on to see his location (it’s kind of creepy isn’t it? me and the fact that bumble shows the town/city the person is currently in)--I don’t want to be crushed/disappointed but I also feel like I’d get an answer.

I GOTTA CALM DOWN. If it fizzles, it fizzles. I don’t want to disappoint Kelly because I really do take what she says to heart because she and I think so much a like but she’s had so many emotional experiences and has been in my position after a horrible break up. She’s providing me guidance. I should follow her advice because I know it comes from a place of concern and caring.

I don’t know we’ll see how this goes. I’m just gonna NOT contact him. It’s gonna be hard but I gotta slow my role. If he’s interested he’ll show it. I’m an attractive, funny, cool, smart chick. If the kissing was enough to turn him off, so be it! But if he actually does want to hang out, I’m just gonna play it real chill and not get into anything serious too soon. I just want to have fun and he’s someone I see have interesting times with.

We’ll see...

Update: I finished this post, checked my snapchat, and he showed me a video of his hotel room and how it’s much better than last time. WHAT AM I DOING

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seriouslysoulsearching-blog · 8 years ago

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Things I am thankful for...

With Thanksgiving just passing, I think it’s important to remind myself what I’m thankful for. So I’m going to make a list and write what ever comes to mind:

-My relationships with my friends and family-- Kelly, Kira, and my dad have been especially supportive while I overcome this break up, providing me with such great advice and wisdom

-My health

-My education

-The fact that I was born into a privileged life-- my parents are the reason why I live the way I do and I realize how lucky I am

-For getting a job--I feel very lucky to land a job on the floor I did. I start this Monday (!!!)

-Having a roof over my head, and warm house to come home to

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seriouslysoulsearching-blog · 8 years ago

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Just when I thought I was fine

I logged on Facebook to see my ex requested to be my friend again. Why. Why why why why.

My stomach sank when I saw this. It tied into a knot. I feel queasy. This unpleasant warm/electric feeling shocked my body. My mouth got watery. My heart was fluttering from sheer panic. The tears started coming shortly after.

Is he trying to communicate something to me? Did something happen to Niko? If he really needed to speak with me, I assume he’d log on a friends Facebook or use one of their phones. There’s probably no good reason why he’s trying to become friends with me again.

I dreamt about him and I last night. I dreamt that I needed to go back to his place to pick up stuff again. This time I brought my dad and Kira. When I got there, he and his best friend were moving stuff into the newly renovated space. He was totally understanding why I was there and let me come in. While we were walking in, I hugged him and told him I’m starting my job really soon. And he was like “I know” and was really polite. I remember taking my jacket off while I looked around. Said hello to Niko, gave him a kiss. I was checking out the place. He hugged me again and lifted me up three times when he did. My dad and Kira were still with me the whole time. I guess I got whatever I needed, and while walking out, I congratulated him on the place and said goodbye.

It was so civil. And so mature.

And then today I get a Facebook friend request. I crumbled again. I don’t think this is a setback but I don’t know what to do. I really want to know why he wants to be friends again on Facebook.

Blocking him probably is the best thing but I don’t want to do it. I still care about him. Part of me wants to message him and say “I’m not ready to be friends again” But if I let the request just sit there, it’s going to linger over my head and eat me up inside. Kira did all my removing and blocking from other sources of media and I may need her to do it again because I can’t bring myself to do it.

In my midst of freaking out, I sent Kelly and Kira the screenshot of the request. Kira recommends blocking him. They both recommend no communication. If I get this upset by a friend request then it’s clear I need more time to heal. Kira says he knows me and he knows my weaknesses. It’s true. And I hate how well he knows me.

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seriouslysoulsearching-blog · 8 years ago

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Found some closure today when I met with a woman who is a psychic and medium

Okay, so this session was amazing. It was my first time with anything like this. I found a woman in North Jersey who had about 50 reviews and I liked her bio. So the other day, I spontaneously booked an appointment and to my suprise she had availablity. Let me just say, it was the best $125 I’ve spent in a very long time. I got some closure from this heartache.

First of all, she connected with my grandpop and Nan. Those are for a different post but one of the most powerful things Nan wanted to convey to me was “don’t hurry” The medium asked me if I had any idea what my nan meant from that, and I wasn’t entirely sure. Then the medium said, “she’s talking about a husband and kids”

It’s crazy. I often asked my grandmothers if they were proud of me and specifically during this time of heartbreak, if I did the right thing. I was often so worried I let my “soulmate” go. It’s hard grasping with the loneliness. It’s hard losing your best friend and first love. I worried if I’d ever find someone else and have what I had before. Note: I’m using past-tense because after this session I strongly believe my decision was/still the best for my interest.

So when nan was conveying to me: “Don’t hurry” she meant that I will find a husband and have kids. It will come eventually. In this previous relationship, there was a point in time where I was really content with doing those housewife duties and taking care of all my kids. I want to have several kids if possible. But since my last year of nursing school, I was beginning to see my strength in this career. That this is what I’m good in. And I see myself pursuing more than just my bachelor’s.

That saying “Don’t hurry” served as a leeway into the intuitive reading aspect of the session. Pam was connecting with her guides, hearing what they have to say and I swear the first thing that came out her mouth was “Don’t settle” IS THIS NOT EXTREMELY RELEVANT OR WHAT

She said that the guides said I’m exhausted. Which is ALSO accurate. That’s when I agreed with Pam and confided that my anxiety has been a burden recently.

As she was talking to her guides, Pam was shuffling the tarot cards. She unfolded each card. The first was related to “below the belly button”, or the reproductive system. Which sort of ties in with my rushing into having a relationship and kids. Interesting, right?

3 of the cards she pulled were related to my break up: -conflict & defeat --> she said this was the worst card you could get in regards to my break up, that it was negative and hopeless (?)

-memories of love

-heartache and loss

The last two were pulled out at the very end, one right after the other. She told me that getting out of that relationship was the right thing.

I MEAN HOW RELEVANT IS THAT.

There were an additional 3 cards related to my future relationship/love life:

-love begins --> i’m going to find new love

-foundation & achievements --> i’m going to have a family

-harmony --> I FIND MY SOULMATE. I HAVE A SOULMATE. My grandparents (both of them) had such long standing relationships which i’ve always admired. I’ve always believed that I will have the same. Even though my parents have been divorced for over 13 years, I’ve never felt jaded. I’ve always known it’s out there.

This brought me a lot of peace. It brought me reassurance. I can finally move on knowing that there’s more out there. It seems pretty lame to say but I was feeling so fucking emotional that I needed to hear it. It was a very spiritual experience.

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