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Shells

21 x 29,7cm, ink on paper, Kevin Lucbert, 2025

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Carbonnnnnnn

I HAVE DONE NOTHING TO WARRANT THIS

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Are you a caillou

I am many things. Among them, likely as not, your doom.

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I have so rarely known you to shy away from the novel, the exotic.

I suppose cowardice takes many forms.

Rank the following from most to least edible.

A case of wine and breadsticks

Two bananas

Uranium-238

A goo snake

The Android Master

The Eye of Harmony

One Canada Square

A baguette thats 1 week old

Vampire Science

The Shalka

Sweet potato fries

Well, fine. I haven't the faintest idea why I am being asked to do this.

I would absolutely adore a case of wine and breadsticks. Top spot. High priority contender. When can I expect this.

Uranium-238. I am hardly as fragile as a human is. Easy. Might need to sprinkle some salt and pepper on it first though. Just to taste.

The Android Master. His fluidics systems have nutritional value, you know. I would still prefer not to consume sentient life, but I feel like he has tried to consume me often enough that turnabout would be fair play.

A goo snake. Seasoned, skewered, and roasted. Preferably with green bell peppers and tomatoes.

The Shalka. A dish to be served cold, I imagine. Maybe grated. I would still rather not consume a sentient being.

Two bananas. At once? Do you want me to choke????

Sweet potato fries. Poison. Why does it need to be sweet.

Vampire Science. First of all, fuck off, I am not a vampire. Second of all. Why the hell not. I would prefer not to, but I've swallowed worse things before.

One Canada Square. What the bloody hell do you think I am.

A baguette that's 1 week old. Disgusting. Have you ever seen a week old baguette? A travesty. A war crime. Criminalized in seven different galaxies and rightfully so. Even having a baguette that old would get me executed on the planet Xylos IV. Their preferred method of execution is boiling in oil by the way.

The Eye of Harmony. No, seriously, you can fuck right off with this one. No thanks.

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As ever, my dear Doctor, you can be counted upon without fail to reveal yourself to be, despite all protests and pretentions, an utter Philistine. Barbarous.

There is a faint whirring, a series of quiet, rhythmic clicks that could be the flicking back and forth of a switch but recall nothing so much as the cluck of a disapproving tongue.

This voice is… similar, very similar in how it speaks to that which belongs to the Master in this life. And yet… something is very different indeed. It is out of step, out of time, and much too measured. Too precise.

However, even at its most tattered, as it was for your poor previous incarnation, your memory can surely serve to remind you that some things can only be partaken of tartare.

The Deathworm is one.

Not that you ever showed much appetite for that so special delicacy, alas.

Rank the following from most to least edible.

A case of wine and breadsticks

Two bananas

Uranium-238

A goo snake

The Android Master

The Eye of Harmony

One Canada Square

A baguette thats 1 week old

Vampire Science

The Shalka

Sweet potato fries

Well, fine. I haven't the faintest idea why I am being asked to do this.

I would absolutely adore a case of wine and breadsticks. Top spot. High priority contender. When can I expect this.

Uranium-238. I am hardly as fragile as a human is. Easy. Might need to sprinkle some salt and pepper on it first though. Just to taste.

The Android Master. His fluidics systems have nutritional value, you know. I would still prefer not to consume sentient life, but I feel like he has tried to consume me often enough that turnabout would be fair play.

A goo snake. Seasoned, skewered, and roasted. Preferably with green bell peppers and tomatoes.

The Shalka. A dish to be served cold, I imagine. Maybe grated. I would still rather not consume a sentient being.

Two bananas. At once? Do you want me to choke????

Sweet potato fries. Poison. Why does it need to be sweet.

Vampire Science. First of all, fuck off, I am not a vampire. Second of all. Why the hell not. I would prefer not to, but I've swallowed worse things before.

One Canada Square. What the bloody hell do you think I am.

A baguette that's 1 week old. Disgusting. Have you ever seen a week old baguette? A travesty. A war crime. Criminalized in seven different galaxies and rightfully so. Even having a baguette that old would get me executed on the planet Xylos IV. Their preferred method of execution is boiling in oil by the way.

The Eye of Harmony. No, seriously, you can fuck right off with this one. No thanks.

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Jack Gaughan, The Duplicators, 1964

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Gay? I think not. Not when some infernal blackguard has robbed my flour of purpose.

Is the Master gay

I try not to delve into the private lives of renegades.

That being said, I think he's bisexual.

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"That's how you get deathless, volchitsa. Walk the same tale over and over, until you wear a groove in the world, until even if you vanished, the tale would keep turning, keep playing, like a phonograph, and you'd have to get up again, even with a bullet through your eye, to play your part and say your lines."

Deathless, Catherynne M. Valente

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):<

I love watching classic who when I'm having a bad day because no matter what kind of day I'm having the master is having a worse one

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what doesnt kill you is still valuable data points for a graph im working on titled "how to kill you"

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My favorite genre of ainley!master images is just him lying on the ground

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'La Corrida'. Bo Bartlett. 2023.