sethcohcnaf

[sethcohcnaf]

poltcrgists​:

frank had been alone for so many years. growing up in that house, and unable to confide in his mum, so many things where he felt the most isolated. and he had always had alice, back in hogwarts, where it had always felt like home because she was there. he could blame the breakup on a lot of things, but it all lead back to just: himself. his insecurity, his feeling like that he was holding alice back, the feeling that no matter what he did being in his life and who his step father was would be putting alice in danger. he lived under death eaters, he dreaded going back for holidays and the summer, and by the time that he had graduated the war was already starting to brew and he had to be prepared for anything and he didn’t want alice to get lost in it because frank would fight back if it meant out of self preservation against his step father. he didn’t know how to tell her any of this without sounding mad or paranoid. 

“he’s always one step ahead. whenever think i get any leads on the crabbes they always find a way to out clever me,” he shoves his hand through his hair, trying to think about what he missed this time, and then it had occurred to him that he could find an advantage of just thinking like them, but he felt so weak and disgusting. “let’s hope they put two and two together.” he huffs. frank was normally on time, at least he tried to be, frank was a bit of a perfectionist when it came to things on the job so there were times when he would come in late just to get the job done but he was hoping that at least knowing alice they had a chance. merlin, he really couldn’t do much without alice, could he? she had always been so much better at spotting things than he had. and the only time he had ever blindsided her was by breaking up. it leaves something awful in the thick of his throat. 

you left me. it stings to hear, he winces, and looks away, wanting to cast a lumos or even a warming charm since it was so fucking cold down here, all the dark magic sucking the life out of him, if he really thought about it knowing how this place was probably riddled with a bit of everything. slow torture, just how they liked it. and he thinks of how he should be thinking about all of that but now he couldn’t even stop himself from not having this conversation. frank knew that there had been a selfishness about him, some may call it some kind of slytherin trademark, he never really did understand how he got sorted in there, but he supposed it must have been something other than some kind of self-preservation growing up in the home that he did, or how he may have been placed there out of survival, but he hadn’t fought it, did he? there was a part of frank that wanted to feel powerful because he had been so powerless, and never mind the sheer hot anger than ran through him when it came to injustice. and he’s gone distracted again, this bloody place. 

he holds his head in his hands, angry at every single situation they’re in right now. angry that he left in the first place, and not knowing where to even start. “i did.” he said, trying to make his voice even. “because i thought it was the right thing to do. and i meant what i said when we first became partners–it wasn’t anything you did. it was just… me. my own insecurities. afraid that i’d put you in danger somehow with who my extended family is–i don’t know–feeling like i was holding you back. but i saved all the letters i never wrote to you. sometimes i would just talk about my day, how much training sucked, how fucking tired i was, how lonely it is living alone, i would often ask you what you were doing- if any of our friends finally figured out what they wanted to do with themselves- with their future, how the quidditch team was doing, and how much i missed sneaking into your room just because i hated sleeping alone- all the mundane stuff too. i needed you too much, i knew that it wasn’t healthy- you were my only family and i guess that self destructiveness crept in my head and i ran with it because i’m a fucking idiot.” he laughs but there’s no humour to it. “but my feelings for you never changed, and when we first became partners i wanted to confess all of this, and even before we were partners i would still write letters and just never sent them because i figured you were better off and i know that this situation we’re in is fucked, but it would have come out sooner or later. i love you. that’s never changed, and won’t ever will.”

“i don’t know if it’s much about being clever than it is them having ears everywhere - we knew we had a mole, this just further confirms it” she assured, offering what little reassurance she could because truly, who could have anticipated this? alice wasn’t sure what she had wanted - from him, this horrific circumstance or even from life in general at this point, but hearing him say i did -- it somehow managed garner relief, validation of what happened and how he could perhaps feel how she did in that moment, was this what they meant by the truth will set you free? because she wanted the relief, but never did truly want to be free of him. he was under her skin - a part of her heart, she knew it down to her bones that frank longbottom owned every bit of her fragmented heart and there was not a damn thing she could do about it.

what she had not been expecting was the quiet admittance that followed - he wrote her. in a way she wasn’t sure if she could read those letters without feeling her heart crack into two because she had spent years trying to get him to love himself even a fraction of how she loved him. he needed her too much -- and in that moment she had clarity, she couldn’t help but stand up and move toward him - dropping herself down in front of him, because had she not felt the same way? losing frank had felt like losing a part of her and maybe love was uncontrollable and all consuming but losing your sense of self should never be a result of it. she knew deep down, in a way he had given her the freedom to grow into her own independance and she could blame him all she wanted, but weren’t they here in the end? through the heartbreak and messiness of it all - fate was a funny thing, it still brought them together and maybe that was the silver lining they needed.

before she could talk herself out of it, her hand moved to rest against cheek -- “this won’t work if you don’t see yourself the way i do -- i need you to love yourself as much as i love you and if you can promise that you will try, then we get a re-do” she murmured. she wanted a future -- and she knew deep down, it wouldn’t be with anyone but him. “you’re not the only one who made mistakes - i could have fought harder, my first day back - i could have swallowed my pride because lets face it, there’s never been a day that i haven’t loved you, but i meant what i said Frankie - i can’t do this with you, unless you try. i won’t go back to how we used to be”

[sethcohcnaf]

ofdcydreams​:

        his ears barely catch the words , only  half convinced that emmeline had even muttered them until their eyes meet . it’d always been like this between the two ; even from across a large room the male could esteem what she was thinking with conviction . so he does acknowledge her openness with a soft and caring smile . maybe it was enough for her to read that he too was always thinking of her too . ❝ you are certainly right about that . it’s not the same -  ❞  tristan says with a facetious shake of his head , knowing it wasn’t even his position to say otherwise seeing that most nights he didn’t even make it home . 

       the minute rigidity in his muscles do soften under her touch , his lingering gaze forcing another sweep of her features before tearing it away from her all together to where her hand had fallen on his forearm . to doubt her truth would be to doubt the fact that she could handle herself - and tristan was faithfully convinced that the  witch could and had been for all this time . ❝ if he managed to bruise you , then i am sure he is worse off .  ❞  tristan says in a light tone , sliding his right hand to fall on top of hers as it laid on his left arm . ❝ if it’s any console at all , your hand to hand cannot be any more rusty than mine . i’ve always excelled in the defensive but the offensive - i think you were always better at that than me . ❞ he’d meant it about their days at hogwarts , but tristan’s realized that it had always been emmeline who openly acted upon things she wanted . ( and why was it that he never could ? ) 

“you’ve got experience to back that as well?” staring up at him curiously and mildly concerned - sure it was hypocritical, she could live with sleeping on the sofa, but him not getting his beauty sleep didn’t sit well with her, “please tell me you’ve been sleeping --”

she waited patiently -- she knew she could go into a rush of reassurance, because she didn’t like the way he stiffened, his concern would be wasted on her but that’s not how it works, so she waited, gaze searching his. “believe it or not, it wasn’t my proudest moment” she whispered -- his acceptance was overwhelming, she hadn’t gotten gratification from the sick crunch of bones against the wall. it wasn’t empowering -- it had felt like defeat that she had let it get that out of hand, but that was life, wasn’t it? there might be someone better -- someone stronger and faster, she had allowed herself to get comfortable the consequences echoed through the body she had spent most of last night icing. her smile widened slightly as she took his hand and led him to sofa, willing herself to let go before she found herself curled against the cushion, “i envied you” she admitted, sigh slipping from her lips - it would be a day of confessions. “the best offence is a good defence -- you always knew that, and you knew your strengths” it was admiration because by merlin, she’d watch him for hours and she could not even say they were evenly matched. “i could be reckless back then --” wistful as her eyes had a hint of playfulness as if that could mask the emotion that burned through her, “now -- i have to0 much to lose” you was what her mind screamed -- it wasn’t the parents that acted as if she didn’t exist till her name was celebrated in the papers. it wasn’t the friends that were family - the love of the job, it was the man before her - she couldn’t leave him behind.

[sethcohcnaf]

ofdcydreams​:​

       his shoulders nearly fall forward with the weight of the stress that continued to only build as he knocks once and twice on the door . it would have probably served better if he had sent an owl sometime earlier this morning in advance rather than an unwelcome visit but being even in close proximity of emmeline vance provided a clarity that the suffocating walls of the castle could not provide . so a timid smile shapes his lips as the door opens , tristan preparing for the confusion that would greet him on the other side - ❝ i dunno ,  ❞ the male says with a breathy laugh , hands falling into the pocket of his robe . ❝  i am not the keeper of your brilliant mind , emmeline . i cannot answer if you were thinking of me . ❞ 

      it’s partially a method of evasion of the truth . there was no true nature or purpose to his visit , he realizes just then : it was simply tristan’s instinct to seek her as a reminder of what good was left in a world that seemed to be void of light . because even as the warmth of her flat envelops him like a blanket , he follows right behind her through the hall as if it was second nature . ❝ i hope i did not intrude on something important , ❞ tristan says as he takes in the scene around him - noticing the abandoned coffee and other items strewn across the sofa . the apology falls short when tristan notices that splotches of blue stains across her porcelain skin in the new light . these days it felt like it was an accessory - ❝ who hurt you ? ❞  the question comes out dry , every worry that he had before now pale in comparison to the disconcert that flashed across his features at that moment . 

there were a few things in this world that could give her peace - a lazy sunday morning where it was just her and the sunlight that managed to sneak its way into the room, earning pancakes after a run, but nothing came close to tristan mckinnon’s laugh. it felt like a victory in its own right, as if she had done something right, what she could never grasp was how she earned this tenderness but she was too selfish to ever give it back, “i’m always thinking of you” she mumbled. vulnerability had never been her strong suit, but he had shown up to her door - spontaneous, which was not a word she’d normally use to paint them - it was her turn to be a bit not herself.

“you saved my sofa from having to be replaced” she chuckled, “it was one nap away from its undoing and i know, i have a bed - but it’s not the same” naps on the sofa were so much better than the ones she had on bed, as ridiculous as it sounded - it was a hill she was willing to die on. she had been careless and that spoke to how comfortable she was around him -- forgetting to essentially wrap what she needed too, "courtesy of the prick locked up last night - he was a bit feisty” she joked, she had to find the humour in it, if she wasn’t able to swing a bad night - it would consume her. “it’s just a reminder that my hand to hand is a bit rusty” she murmured, because she saw the concern and that worried her more than anything, “nothing to fret about” she promised, giving his arm a squeeze.

[sethcohcnaf]

for a saturday morning - one that could be filled with so many possibilities, she was curled up in her sofa that seemed to be getting closer and closer to its end of days considering it seemed to be the only place she fell asleep these days. last night had been less than ideal -- three hours of a hunt that left her with bruised ribs and a bit more blue on her skin than she’d like.

what she hadn’t expected was to have to set her coffee down for the door -- the man before her was always full of surprises and perhaps she needed a healthy dosage of tristan mckinnon because god knows her heart was sick of yearning -- the limbo they were in was exhausting yet anything outside of this was not feasible - she would take an almost with him any day rather than a never could be  -- “was i expecting you?” confusion dancing in her gaze as she let him in, wondering if she had forgotten a marking on her calendar. 

@ofdcydreams​

[sethcohcnaf]

poltcrgists​:

all frank wanted was to be as a good of an auror that his father had been. he had heard stories about his dad, what good that became of him when he was one before his untimely death. he had hated how far he had pushed himself, but seeing as it was all that he had it was hard to make the distinction. he didn’t like putting alice in the way of war, but that was what their entire being was lately–war. people were going missing daily, and frank might not have understood many muggleborns but he knew that it wasn’t fair what was happening. he had kept a close eye on his step father and step brother, it was very clear the message they were setting. it had been so much easier, in hogwarts, when alice and frank were dating, they hadn’t been in the same house but alice had reminded him daily that just because he had been chosen slytherin didn’t mean he was like them, but now looking at these walls and knowing how much dark magic threaded through them it was all he could think about. if he had less a mind he would have turned them back, but frank was still in this war, wanted to win it to prove, not all slytherins were like this, not all people were ever this bad, but it was proving to fail in the slightest. 

“we could’ve been having drinks by now, merlin,” he says as a joke to alice, looking at her with all the love that he could muster. he remembers the time that he had met with another herbologist, and having som feign hope that maybe despite everything she had felt the same way about him again, but he had held all those reservations, they were partners, and maybe that’s all they would be. but when the ground collapsed he was having a hard time breathing. “this was a trap,” he says, trying to figure their way out of this without magic to make it worse. “i think we need to get out of here the old fashioned way,” without wands unless they wanted to make it worse, “i’m sorry al,” he mutters, not that it was his fault for his mother marrying into this, but he still felt like he should have caught it. they would be down here for hours trying to figure a way out. “i guess its comforting to know that if voldemort wanted us dead he would have already done it by now,” it was a bleak mention, and little did frank know what he had meant by it, they would, eventually, defy voldemort three times and this was just the first. 

“obviously magic makes it worse, i think we’re going to dig from the ground up on how to get out of here. this bloody safe house,” he muttered. as long as they didn’t use magic they’d be fine, and frank didn’t realize how much he relied on magic to be good at his bloody job. he had been trying for a while now to get them out of this situation but nothing prevailed, he had hoped that by now the ministry of magic would see that two of their aurors didn’t make it back in time for their next shift and would eventually get whoever to try and find them, that’s what he was hoping for, to get them out of this mess. it had been a long time since he and alice had been in a situation where there was nothing to do but just wait. 

he had found himself sitting in the rubble, trying to keep his mind busy as they waited for the ( hopeful ) backup, when he decided to finally breach the question. “you know i haven’t dated since we broke up,” he had been looking at his hands, “at least not seriously,” he further concluded. “i could’ve- but just never did because…” because i had been madly in love with you, even after we ended… “when you saw me at the leaky cauldron it wasn’t a date,” he sighs at himself thinking that she might have been jealous, but she probably hadn’t been. “i don’t have many friends, but she had a plant for me that i had wanted for a long time now, it’s not often i run across exotic herbologists and she had exactly what i needed. i had thought of breeding the plant to give to you as a birthday gift but…” he shakes his head now in a laugh. “we know how this job is, all the plants i’ve loved have died because i’m barely home i guess it’s just to go to say is, you’ve always been it for me.”

fondness -- if she could pinpoint what she saw in his eyes, maybe it was nostalgia or the need to find that rhythm again, the smile that etched her lips was weary at best - a fickle attempt at acting as if everything was okay and he was right, that if they were back - perhaps she would have gone out for a drink before realizing it was a mistake. that was her reality - the more time she spent, the more undeniable he was and perhaps that was what pained her the most, having something she wanted dangled before her with no hope. “you have nothing to apologize for --” that she could promise in absolution, “this isn’t on you - we made the choice to come, i thought it was odd, if i had reservations i would spoken up, it’s on both of us” she murmured, if they were going to take fault - it would be together. “we’re not dead - that’s comforting” she chuckled as she gave him a nod, “shacklebolt will check in soon enough --” it was possibly the least stupid thing she had done today, “i told him where we were going - i didn’t show up for my debrief, it’s only a matter of time”

“i think --” she started, she seemed to soon be at a lost of words at his quiet confession - one that she could say set her heart on fire as much as it had blindsided her. “even if it was a date - you wouldn’t be doing anything wrong” she muttered, sitting herself back done, her pants be damned - as if this conversation wouldn’t take her out. he had thought that she was jealous - she could be indignant if he hadn’t really hit the mark but here she was wondering who the man before her was -- the one who was open and honest than the one who had given her the space she had never really wanted. “you left me --” words slipping from her lips before she could think about the damage she was about to leave in there wake, “how can i be it for you, if you even thought of leaving me?” she questioned quietly, and it wasn’t anger he’d see in her gaze if he looked carefully - she was as lost as she was in love with him.

“frank -- we’re stuck in a nightmare hole, relying on the fact that our peers might do their jobs tonight and this is the moment you choose to tell me that, i want to believe you -- by merlin, i want to believe you, tell me how to believe you” she didn’t want to be a confession he made in the darkness when this might be the last night they were alive, she wanted to be the choice he made under the sun - the one he made with hope. 

[sethcohcnaf]

poltcrgists​:

@sethcohcnaf​

frank knew that it was suspicious the day that rodolphus had given him a case that had to do with the death eaters. it felt like a trap from the start, at least in his gut he knew that something was definitely off. and as it turned out despite frank and alice’s past they were a damn good team when it came down to it. they had solved so many cases in their partnership and it was like the other knew what the other was thinking when it came to life or death decisions on the job. he had told alice from the start that it had felt fishy to him, the whole thing really, and it was like all the clues were slowly starting to add up. “i think i know where one of their safe houses is. i’m pretty sure it’s inactive but if they’re anything like the order safe houses then there’s definitely some hidden magic to keep others out. but so many people have gone missing maybe they’re just hiding them or something but i can’t imagine for what- it’s not their usual tactics.” he had been muttering off, “it just feels off,” he had later said, and now here they were on the way to the safe house and frank felt every single piece of him on edge as they made their way. “i have an emergency portkey but i don’t know–” he was mumbling again. 

there was a huge gate in front of them now and he looked over at alice. “i guess the good thing about being placed in slytherin is knowing how they think, don’t touch the knob.” he had casted alohomara and it opened the door, “i guess another good thing living under the vincent crabbe ii and iii is knowing how they work in terms of dark magic,” it was a very interesting childhood, one that augusta had raised a blind eye to when vincent ii & iii began training, it was cruel, hearing his step brother go through the type of drills his dad had put him through, frank often stayed in his bedroom and hoped to god that frank wouldn’t be a target, but the war was heating up in a bad way, too many people were missing and voldemort was on the move and he couldn’t help but think that maybe something was going on knowing how close his ties to the two death eaters. it wasn’t like they didn’t care to show their mark to frank for family dinners but he had been going to those less and less out of his own protection. by the time they had stepped food in the house he had his wand out, “you can just feel the dark magic. i don’t know where their traps would be but we just have to stay vigilant.” when he had casted lumos the ground shook and they fell and were now trapped. “fuck!” he called out, he was blindsided that he didn’t think that a single spell inside the house wouldn’t set something off. it was definitely targeted. “i think magic makes it worse. fuck.” fuck. 

it had crossed her mind to sit this one out -- she was a coward in all sense of the word, and it wasn’t because of the dangers that lay ahead or because she was now nearly sure this had been a trap, it was because she had been avoiding what had been in her. she had first thought it was familiarity, they had been in love - when someone finds their way in to your heart, even if it was years ago - do they ever really leave? they take a piece from you and as she had uncovered in the months they had been partners, she never really got over him. it had taken one instance where she had caught a glimpse of him -- well within his right, living his life on what looked to be a date at the leaky cauldron and she couldn’t breathe. she was distracted -- the last thing he needed in a partner in this critical position and yet here she was, her inability to send him off in to god knows what without her -- she couldn’t fathom  that either. “you’re not wrong --” she muttered, back to reality, up the dark winding path - nothing about this place felt any semblance of warmth. “if they are keeping them alive - it’s to extract what they need too, once they are done - i doubt they would keep them for company” wincing slightly at how it sounded, but that was the job, wasn’t it? strip the emotion away and get to the facts and the reality was, death eaters were not in the business of being humane - empathy was now what drove them, they had a purpose - just not one that aligned with the law.

her brows furrowed - mildly curious, lips crinkling in to a smile that looked as if it radiated a glimpse of pride, “i don’t think i’ve heard you own that --” she murmured, and she couldn’t hold it against him - his mum -- his childhood, it had been different to say the least and all she could have done growing up was reminding him of his worth. “vigilant? what are you moody--” she started, a scream soon following as they took a tumble down. “fuck --” she groaned, barely managing to land on her feet, she was crouched - better than getting her tailbone again. “lestrange certainly knows how to send a message --” she groaned, resting against the damp wall. “are you alright?” taking a step toward him, hand raised to nearly graze his cheek as she stopped herself -- “fuck the mission, we need to get out of here”

[sethcohcnaf]

the green little monster in her nearly came to brink as she had watched him leave earlier today - alice knew she had no right. there was no logic to the ache she had felt on tuesday night as she had passed by the leaky cauldron, quick snack was what she had intended before she retired back to her flat but the sight of him laughing with a lass had her reeling and scurrying off snack-less. they were friends -- it had taken so long to come back to what they were and that little green monster was ready to throw it all away -- 

she glanced up as she heard footsteps, surprised to say the least he had returned back on a friday night but she didn’t move, less alone offer any acknowledgement - embarassement crept at her as she couldn’t bare to meet his gaze as worked away. if she was lucky - he had just simply forgotten something. 

@poltcrgists​

[sethcohcnaf]

ofdcydreams​:

          the  smile  that  coursed  his  lips  was  sluggish ,  and  even  though  the  corners  of  his  eyes  still  felt  sore  with  sleep ,  tristan  fought  to  stay  awake  for  his  own  selfish  sake .  there  weren’t  many  mornings  like  this  anymore -  empty  of  any  responsibility  -  and  he  certainly  could  indulge  in  hundreds  of  more  hours  of  her  touch  if  it  had  been  his  choice .  ❝  you  haven’t  got  to  do  much  ,  ❞  he  says  with  no  hesitation ,  his  hand  only  moving  from  the  length  of  her  arm  to  her  back  as  emmeline moves  against  him  out  of  instinct .    ❝  every  morning  can  be  like  this . ❞  the  male  was  certainly  not  the  begging  type ,  but  he’d ask  emmeline  time  and  time  again  to  spend  forever  with  him  .  

      her  next  words  do  make  him  laugh ,  rolling  back  onto  his  back  so  that  she  was  pressed  against  him  .  ❝ you  are  just  saying  that  because  i  have  gotten  spoiled  by  the  cooking  done  at  hogwarts  , ❞  it  was  true  though ,  tristan  mckinnon  cannot  remember  the  last  time  he  has  had  to  make  a  meal  for  himself .  even  when  he  visited  him  did  the  house  elves  wait  on  him  but  living  so  simple  with  emmeline  vance  felt  more  like  home  .  ❝  a  day  of  whatever  i  want  …  ❞  he  trails  off ,  head  only  lulling  to  the side  for  a  moment  to  the  covered  window  .  the  world  would  continue  to  wreck  its  own  havoc  ,  never  idle  nor  relenting  and  for  once ,  he  actually  craved  normalcy .  to  be  so  oblivious  of  the  darkness  waiting  at  the  corner  would  rid  of  his  need  to  be  careful  -  if   it  hadn’t  been  for  all  that  ,  he  would  have  kissed  emmeline  back  so  long  ago .  ❝  i’ve  already  got  what  i  want  . ❞   tristan  says  after  another  moment  of  contemplation  ,  fingers  curling  against  the  fabric  of  her  night  gown  in  its  feat  to  bask  in  this  dream .  

fingers ghosting near his temple - it was as if she could see him fighting the easy slumber, “perhaps you can indulge your dreams” she murmured - she wasn’t sure what she loved more - watching him get the sleep she knew he couldn’t always afford or watching those eyes that start her day. she rolled over carefully, her chin propped on the arms that rest on his chest as she watched him with a careful gaze -- this promise of forever wasn’t something she was unfamiliar with, she wish she could give this to her younger self - the promise that there would be a day that someone would ask to love her unconditionally repeatedly, give that girl that hope she hadn’t craved till he had walked in and made it a reality. “i don’t need a ring to have a forever with you --” she whispered, she had never been interested in the hardware, seemed to be a risk in their line of work - a beacon of vulnerability, that someone out there had someone to lose, “i wouldn’t be against some new ink --” mischief glimmering in her gaze as it dropped to their fingers. “we could be at the court in a hour - what a productive morning that would be” she mused. she was  curious thing, she knew she was playing with fire - breathing life into the possibility of  everyday being like this, but she meant it -- with all that she was, she would give him this if this is what he wanted.

“i’ve got to do something to keep you here” she chuckled -- it was the farthest from the truth, rowena knew she wasn’t gifted in the kitchen, the most she had managed and that was as of recently was the pancakes weren’t charred black - the crispy brown outer had a tolerable crunch to it. fingers stroking his jaw as she shook her head, “tristan mckinnon, don’t give me that-- there’s always something” 

[sethcohcnaf]

ofdcydreams​:

closed for @sethcohcnaf​

    he  suddenly  stirs  awake  ,  the  muscles  of  his  body  already  tensing  before  his  eyes  take  in  the  scene  laid  before  him .  there  next  to  him  is  another  body ,  its  contour  delicately  shaped  by  the  thin  sheet  which  only  complimented  the  soft  brown  wave  of  hair  that  adjourned  the  pillow .  it’s  easy  to  admire  the  sight  ,  and  it  certainly  does  help  the  mckinnon  to  relax  but  he  simply  cannot  remember  the  last  time he  had  shared  such  a  simple  gesture  with  someone  else –  what  the  pair  had  was  unconventional  by  nature  .  what  began  as  a  scheduled  headache ,  became  an  acquaintance,   and  somehow  after  that  emmeline  was  the  person  he  sought  for  in  crowds .  tristan  didn’t  choose her ,  not  at  first .  emmeline  was  force  to  be  reckoned  with , and tristan  was  the  reckoner ,  but  somehow  she  had  slipped  into  his  consciousness .  now ?  now ,  tristan  would  eagerly  choose  her  everytime .  

      one  hand   does  extend  towards  her ,  a  finger  delicately  tracing  along  the  length  of  her  shoulder  in  hopes  of  not  drawing  the  dream  away  if  this  was  an  ill  illusion .  the  same  finger  then  draws  down  her  arm  until  his  hand  catches  hers ,  his  chest  falling  into  her  back  so  her  warmth  engulfed  him .  it  had  been  easy  to  convince  him  for  her  to  stay  the  night  -  even  if  they  both  fell  into  a  slumber  as  soon  as  their  bodies  hit  the  mattress -  but  with  most  of  their  free  time  away  from  their  actual  jobs  joined  in  secret  meetings  ,  there  was  never  a  place  to  let  the  defenses  that  a  war  could  build  settle .  he  doesn’t  want  to  disturb  this  peace  for  her  ;  even  the  thought  of  staying  in  bed  next  to  her  was  tempting  enough  but  the  young  couple  were  certainly  too  honest  to  miss  a  day  like  this  .  ❝ emmy -  ❞  a  chaste  kiss  to  her  undressed  shoulder  interrupts  his  words ,  hand  still  intertwined  with  hers  under  the  warmth  of  the  white  bed  sheet  .  ❝  it’s  half  past  nine  , ❞  the  abandoned  pocket  watch  was  still  strewn  on  the  nightstand  as  one  of  the  causalities  of  their  haphazard  attempt  to  sleep  as  soon  as  possible .   

she had been in and out of sleep, but she wouldn’t call it restless -- this felt different, her night wasn’t plagued with nightmares of what she’d seen or thoughts of what she’d see in coming weeks -- she had made it to her flat rather than dozing off at her desk which was far too common than not. this had reminded her of how things used to be, even when she had been younger -- her body had never been eager for those seven to eight hours that most thought necessary, she had only arisen once before collapsing back into the sheets -- she had woken up smiling, she had turned to see the source of it still dozing off, he looked so peaceful, she was never one to be hell bent on a higher source, a tendency to believe in what she could see but in  that moment she had prayed for more moments of this. this was something she wanted a lifetime of, before she had allowed sleep to take her once more.

it was his warmth that stirred her awake this time around, the hand entwined with his -- her own personal heat source wrapped around her, “tristan” she murmured -- a groan slipping from her lips, “is it?” the time had been the least of her worries and if she got her way - it would be half past ten before they managed to stumble out of bed. she let go of his hand, just to turn in his arms -- her face burrowed against his neck. “what can i do to keep you like this?” pressing a kiss against his throat, “breakfast in bed in a hour? i promise it’ll be edible this time --” a soft chuckle following, “then a day of whatever you want --” she was laying it on a bit thick, but the idea of stumbling out of this bed in to the shower was currently blasphemous.

[sethcohcnaf]

ofdcydreams​:

       there  is  a  forced  hollowness  of  his  cheeks  when  he  inhales  -  lips  pursing  as  tristan  contemplates  his  next  words .  no  answer  could  truly  satisfy  emmeline  ,  he  thinks  ,  so  he  goes  for  the  most  unimpeachable   refutation .  ❝  i  would  never  lie  to   you , emmeline .  especially  over  this  - ❞  it’s  not  supposed  to  sound  like  he’s  taken  offense  to  the  accusation ,  but  it  certainly  didn’t  help  that  it  sounded  like  tristan  was  evading  the  question .  ❝  i  am  angry !  undoubtably  beside  myself  about  the  fact  that  there’s  nothing  more  to  be  done .  ❞   a  huff  ;  tristan  could  continue  to  say  the  same  thing  and  the  brunette  watching  him  could  possibly  never  wrap  her  head  around  his  point .  ❝ you  and  i :  we’ve  had  differing  opinions  before  ,  even  beforehand … ❞   no  need  to  divulge  how  their  kiss  had  definitely  changed  their  dynamic  no  matter  the  fact  that  tristan  had  told  her  that  he  needed  time .  ❝ but  upset  about  the  choice  you’ve  made  ?   never .  my  regard  for  you  has  remained unchanged  -    it is  the  same  as  it  was  when  i  woke  this  morning .  ❞  

    her  flat  had  always  been  a  bubble  that  remained  unpopped  by  the  world’s  curse so  to  have  it  change  so  suddenly  was  unsettling .  no  darkness  should  have  to  creep  into  the  best  parts  of  his  life  -  ❝ you’re  right  .  you  are  more  than  just  vengeance  . ❞  he  says  with  an  unsettled  sigh ,  choosing  to  stand  tall  by  the  wall  that  greeted  her  living  room .  maybe  his  visit  wouldn’t  last  as  long  as  he  had  hoped .  ❝  but  that  sliver  of  rage  can  be  blinding  . ❞ 

       there  he  shakes  his  head  in  the  same  disagreement  from  before .  ❝  what  do  we  tell  the  families  of  the  wixen  we  foolishly  put  at  risk  ?   we’ve  got  mothers  ,  fathers  ..  people  ,  children  -  .  ❞  a  twinge  of  nostalgia  for  his  new  home  at  the  castle  strikes  him  even  then .  ❝ some  of  those  that  you  wish  to  confront  have  power  ,  emmeline .  we  cannot  trust  the  ministry nor  any  of  its  offices  for  the  first  time  in  our  lives . ❞  tristan’s  contribution  to  the  politics  of  the  wixen  community  was  short-lived  but  having  lived  with  two  parents  that  had  some  influence  had  its  own  kind  of  mark .   ❝ can  you  say  with  one-hundred  percent  certainty  that  every  auror  in  your  office  is  not  marked or  an  associate  to  someone  who  is  ?   diplomacy  certainly  looks  different  these  days  and  it  often  leads  to  injustice ,  but  when  you  cannot  even  trust  your  neighbor ,  any  risk  is  a  death  sentence .  ❞  there  was  at  least  one  thing  the  pair  agreed  on  ,  though .  all  of  this -  the  headaches ,  the  fight ,  and  everything  in  between  -  was  for  those  who guarded  their  hearts .  ❝  all  i  do  and  think  about  is  about  my  family  too  ,  emmeline .  so  no  .  i  could  never  hold  that  against  you ,  because  if  it  was  my  choice ,  i  too  would  fight .  ❞ 

    so  his  expression  becomes  soft  with  his  next  words ,  tristan’s  right  arm  extending  towards  her  as  if  maybe  touch  alone  could  better  convey  what  he  meant . ❝ we’re  a  team  .  you  need  me  and  i  need  you  ,   ❞   the  male  says  with  a  rather  somber  fondness  .  ❝ and  when  the  time  comes ,  i’ll  fight  alongside  you .  ❞ 

the thoughts festering in her weren’t helping and even with the seed of doubt that she’d rather sow, but she couldn’t deny the calm rationale that came with tristan mckinnon -- he had never given her a reason to not believe him and perhaps she thought there was more to it, but wasn’t it an impossible fight to not take him on his word? and if she didn’t -- did that not mean that she didn’t trust him, which couldn’t be the farthest thing from the truth. “i believe you --” it was a meek excuse of acceptance, but it was all she could manage rather than push them further into an argument. his insinuation was not lost on her and as much as she attempted to act that the thought of him thinking less of her could never destroy her, but she couldn’t hide how the weight of their choices lifted off her shoulders, “you know that i feel that as well, right? your choices make you who you are and i wouldn’t want to change that” 

“it’s blinding because it matters -- i’d rather have my rage than be consumed with helplessness because that’s what it’s been lately, has it not?” going to bed no longer came with peace, no it came with wondering what was happening out there as she had the luck of being able to close her eyes even if it was for a few hours. “it’s a risk that no one will ever force on them, tristan - everyone has an active say and i’ll be damned before i let anyone go out there if even a sliver of them wasn’t sure if this was the right choice for them --” and it was the truth, the vote existed but their willingness to protect, their role with the order had never come with a permanence that held consequences if they chose to not comply. 

“-- and is that what we should do in the face of power? cower or wait endlessly?” he wasn’t telling her anything she hadn’t thought of before, but it was easier to push aside every flaw and fear when it was her voice in her head. “you know i can’t” exasperation soaked in each word, “but we won’t ever know will we? we might eventually uncover a few and that in itself is going to take time and resources, how many people need to die before we decide that waiting is futile?”  and part of it came from feeling like a sitting duck, in capable of taking control of her own life and choices. they were talking in circles - both were right in their own ways and that was the most frustrating part, “i hear you, tristan --” she murmured, her gaze had eyed the arm he had reached out with - it was an olive branch and she was too tired to be angry, grasping his hand in hers she moved toward him carefully, “i don’t agree with you at all times, but i hear you” and that was the closest she could come to an apology for all the upset they had created for themselves.  

it always boiled down to respect -- she could choose to be infuriated by his cautious approach, but then she would have to ask herself what did she want from him because whatever he was before right now - even at their worst, was what she wanted, “there’s no one else i would want by my side” and in some ways that felt like a vow, all solemn and honest - but if he looked carefully the twinkle in her gaze might give away the fondness that poured out at the sight of him let alone his words. 

[sethcohcnaf]

ofdcydreams​:

         he  understood  where  emmeline  was  coming  from  .  tristan  too  didn’t  like  the  sour  taste  of  anger  at  all  but  to  let  it  linger  just  seemed  counterproductive . ❝  -  what  ?  ❞  head  reeling  back  to  the  moment  ,  brows  furrowing  at  the  cut  in  her  voice  when  she  speaks  .  ❝  if  you  are  speaking  of  me  ,  i’m  not  upset .  ❞  even  when  he  says  it  out  loud  it  feels  strange  on  his  tongue .  it  was  a  rather  complicated  truth  ,  because  sure  ,  he  was  upset  .  but  it  had  never  been  nor  would  it  ever  be  directed  at  her .  ❝  and  if  you  are  concerned  with  what   the  lot  has  got  to  say  ,  then  i  reassure  you  that  all  i  really  minded  was  your  refute . ❞ 

    with  the  step  that  she  took  away  from  him ,  tristan  takes  another  towards  her .  maybe  it  was  his  next  point  that  really  tristan  to  come  tonight  rather  than  festering  in  the  furore  of  the  night’s  vote .  ❝  i  still  grapple  with  your  need  for  immediate  vengeance  ,  emmeline .  ❞   there  is  no  disappointment  nor  chagrin  even  as  he  looks  back  at  her  then .  she  was  a  solider  through  and  through ,  branding  an  armor  that  tested  any  threat  but   it  was  her  temerity  that  troubled  him .  ❝  there  is  a  fine  line  between  avenging  and  seeking  revenge  ,  one  that  would  be  crossed  if  we  acted  now  .  ❞   emotions  were  high  ,  some  antsy  to  act  while  others  hid  in  the  shadows.  maybe  she  thought  of  him   to  be  the  latter  .  

        ❝  you’re  one  of  the  best  at  combat ,   ❞  a  trace  of  admiration  even  in  his  exasperation .  ❝  so  to  risk  losing  you   -  and  frankly  anyone  else  -  over  some  intel  that  has  only  small  foundation  is  not  a  price  i  find  myself  agreeing  with .  ❞  tristan  is  reminded  of  the  afternoon  when  they  kissed  ,  when  she  had  told  him  that  no  war  should  ever  ruin  their  happiness  and  that’s  something  he  is  set  on  reminding  her  then .  ❝ you  talk  of  me  never  taking  on  something  that  could  bring  me  harm  ,  yet  you’re  reckless .   ❞  it  was  maddening  cause  it  was  a  trait  of  hers  that  he  loved  and  truly  began  to  detest  at  the  same  time .  ❝  that’s  why  i  couldn’t  meet  your  eye ,  emmeline .  ❞ 

she didn’t know what was more surprising -- his shock at her observation or his reply, “do you believe what you just said?” raising a brow carefully - it wasn’t a test, no she actually needed to understand if she was in her head or if there was an underlying tone, because truly all she could do was ask him what he thought. did he think he was being honest with himself? and if he said yes with the confidence that only he could. she would take it - how could she not? who was she to tell him what he was feeling, all she could do was comment on what she had felt, “i felt like you were upset or maybe upset with the choice that i made - you’re allowed to be disappointed or even angry” because wasn’t she? by rowena, she loved his morality -- when she thought about the things she could count on -- the things that gave her peace, one of them was his sense of knowing who he was -- he knew where he stood but in moments like, maybe she wished he could toe the line of chaos but then again - she may be doing enough of that for both of them.

teeth sinking into her inner cheek as he drew close, it was her tell - as if creating enough distance would give her space to breathe let alone think, but with every step, any chance for distance - he took a step along with her and in hindsight, she was grateful. as if he couldn’t allow for more space than they had created with their votes,  “it’s not about vengeance--” she could hear the defensiveness in her words and with a sigh - she relented “is it an underlying need?i’d be lying if i said that there wasn’t a part of me that wanted it, but it’s not just about vengeance, tristan and i had hoped you knew me better than to assume that was all it was”

“we’re always one step behind and i can’t help but wonder if it’s our inability to make the first move - as if, as long as they make the first strike, whatever we do after absolves us from the sins that we commit in the name of protection -- it doesn’t make it better. i’d rather try to stop something and be preventative than simply defend - maybe i’m saving a family another horrible knock on their bloody door” because wasn’t that the point of this? stop it before it started and perhaps that required more fire power than they could do in good conscious, but wasn’t that how wars were won? “i don’t want revenge, tristan - i want justice and i wan’t a taste of something normal because look at us, we’re arguing about this when we could be talking about anything else, this consumes our lives and if i were to go back, i would still commit to this cause because it’s the right thing to do but don’t hold my need to have this all done with against me, because any choice i make, believe it or not - it’s in the best interest of the people that i love” which she wasn’t ready to say - included him.

“that’s not fair--” she whispered, what energy she once had - the fire that drove her argument, it all dissipated and what was left was quite a bit of hurt and honestly, her own hypocrisy - deep down, she knew he was right and if she was a better person she could own it right then and there, but it was different. “you’re resilient --” knowing glint in her gaze and perhaps it was unfair to throw that back on him but she never really played fair, “you would survive - you’d go on, that’s all i can ask for”

[sethcohcnaf]

ZOEY DEUTCH AS ERICA VANDROSS IN FLOWER (2017)

[sethcohcnaf]

ofdcydreams​:​

         boots  wet  against  the  tiled  floor ,  hands  wedged  into  the  robes  that  tristan  had  haphazardly  thrown  on  and  eyes  almost  immediately  finding  emmeline’s  when  she  opens  the  front  door .   even  the  scribbled  letters  on  the  parchment  that  he  had  received  from  her  owl  didn’t  feel  as  hallow  as  this  moment  -  

     he  had  left  her  in  the  board  room  just  hours  ago  with  nothing  more  than  a  dismissive  glance .  it  was  rather  difficult  to  miss  the  indignation  she  was  feeling   with  her  quick  and  rushed  arguments  .  ❝   i  didn’t  expect  to  hear  from  you  so  soon  ,  ❞  tristan  counters  with  a  simple  shrug  ,  only  daring  to  continue  because  he  would  rather  have  the  truth  than  the  alternative   .  ❝ especially  because  you  seemed  so  upset  earlier . ❞ 

     a  pause  -  ❝  but  just  because  we  might  disagree ,  emmeline  ,  doesn’t  mean  i  don’t  want  to  see  you .   ❞ it  was  only  fair  to  give  her  the  same  freedom  to  fight  for  what  she  wanted  and  of  course  there  had  always  been  a  history  of  tristan  going  out  of  his  way  to  know  what  emmeline  vance  was  thinking .  this  was  nothing  different .  

she thought she would be able to stomach his silence before - she knew the second the words had left her lips she would be faced with his disappointment at the meeting, but never had she thought she would be on the receiving end of his dismissiveness. that felt more like a knife to her heart than anything he could have said - standing here before him, she still couldn’t feel him and that’s when she felt the fear -- that maybe this is what it took to lose him. 

“i don’t like to go to bed angry --” arms around herself, as if that would be enough comfort as she took a step back to give him space, “i wasn’t the only one upset--” the whisper harsh, pointed stare right at those eyes she often found herself lost in. “i knew we would disagree -- but i didn’t expect that, tristan” and maybe that’s because she was so used to him being her voice of reason - her anchor, that she forgot that their views may not always align just because things were simply good. 

as much she held on to her independence and that gentle reminder that she had been okay prior to even having him close, “it didn’t feel that way--” she admitted, she half-expected for him to not come and here he was proving her wrong every step of the way -- he came to fight rather than to let go and for that she was grateful, “thank you -- i needed to hear that” 

[sethcohcnaf]

poltcrgists​:

he knew that he could do so much better as a father. he felt like he was constantly failing by not always being able to be there. it was especially hard because of his odd schedule with the fire house but they had been more than accommodating when it came to the divorce and how it had flipped the family of three’s world upside down. he didn’t know how to go about anything still, and jess had never been good at asking for help. he knows that his stubbornness will be the thing that makes or breaks him in the long run, and he knows that maeve’s already got some of those stubborn qualities and he wants so badly for her to not take any ounce of him when it came to personality. jess had just never been good at seeing himself as someone who deserved better, or in any sort of high regard for himself. it’s what made it all so confusing with nathalie had agreed to marry him at all. 

she had been enough. it was just jess. he had wanted to be someone that people could rely on after years of doing stupid shit because he was hurting. he had gotten his act straight by the time nathalie came around, and his mother had told him once that she was good for him, running her hand through his hair and kissing his forehead like she never got to do when he was a child because she didn’t know that he existed yet. he feels like that’s a common thing with most of his relationships: there was just never enough time. never enough of…. anything. jess was grasping at straws to keep everything together but it somehow always fell apart in his hands. “you’re an amazing mom,” he slips out, he hadn’t even thought about it but hearing her talk about their kid it was hard not to think of how great of a fucking mom she was. how lucky their kid was to be loved by her. 

he wants to say, sorry for ruining everything by saying it out loud, but he doesn’t. it feels like there’s something stuck in his throat and he’s desperately trying not to let it all out of him. he’s afraid that if he does he won’t ever stop of all the things that he wants to say. “i’d love to. i’m free this weekend. i switched shifts anyway so.” he had plans of taking maeve to the zoo, had even thought about inviting nat but didn’t know where to start on that conversation. it was a hard line of not trying to confuse their daughter while also trying to still be a family. it was just all so painful whenever he thought about it too much. “i’ll uh, get the picnic basket my mom gifted us a long time ago.” his smile is small, it had truly been a nudge for jess to get it together when it came to romantic gestures, but in the end it had been a staple for their family outings. 

“i’m glad that if she got anything from me it was those things,” he says with a small shake of the head. “god knows we don’t need another jess two-point-oh. one jess is enough.” he says, but he clings onto her words, trying hard not to overthink any of it. “her hair is yours. those little baby curls just get me.” he says with a small laugh. “she has your laugh too,” he looks over at the picture of their kid that’s hanging on the kitchen wall. “maybe i’m just… saying that because i miss your laugh.” he admits, he doesn’t regret it once it’s out. he was tired of holding back the truth even if he was terrified of it. “i guess i just miss having you around.” his voice drops then. his eyes meet hers briefly before he clears his throat. “i can’t imagine regretting it. if you need me you know i’ll always come.”

she hadn’t realized how much she had needed to hear that until he had uttered those kind words - perhaps she was her toughest critic and being a working mother came with its benefits and unfortunately, too many moments she felt like she had missed. she had struggled with it so much that for more than one moment, she had thought - was she enough? had she been giving maeve everything she needed -- “thank you” watery chuckle slipping through as she swiftly got rid of her teary culprits, “you’re a great father, you know that - don’t you?” if she was tough on herself, she knew that jess would be at another level. countless moments had been spent showing him that he was perfect for them -- there was no such thing as always having it together and if only she could have created that environment for them where he wasn’t scared to make a mistake, god knows she had made enough of them and letting him go was always going to be the one she paid for the most.

“she loves you so much, jess --” warmth in her smile, “you’re all she talks about and i don’t blame her -- once we let you into our hearts, it never goes away” he stuck with her, even after all this time - she couldn’t bring herself to look at anyone else, they didn’t compare. not even close. brows furrowing as her curiosity peaked through, “you switched shifts?” it was pathetic how much she was grasping at straws just for a peak of what he did on his off time. she had no right - she knew she had no right to ask especially if there was someone else in his life that was keeping him busy, and as much as it killed her - she had done this to them, hadn’t she?

“are you sure? if you had plans - if you were going to meet up with anyone, i don’t want to intrude or ruin your weekend?” maybe she needed to hear him say it, that they weren’t - she wasn’t a burden. “hey --” a frown stretching her lips, “what’s wrong with having another jess?” head shaking, “--and you’re wrong, she’s got your heart - your courage, she doesn’t get her sense of wonder from me”.

“jess --” she started, all the i miss you’s buried as she listened to him -- god, she missed she had done more of that before, “i know --” and that was the truth, she knew that when it all boiled down to it - he would be there for her - for them. “i can’t sleep without you” she wanted to shove herself off this stool for even admitting that let alone showing her vulnerability, but she watched as he brought down his walls -- she couldn’t not give back. she had always struggled with sleeping - a bit of an insomniac growing up, there was a few things that would get her into bed -- some tea, lavendar oil on a good day and then there had been jess. maybe it had been the comfort having someone who loved her protecting her, but ever since he had left -- sleep seemed to be a rarity, it was just easier to blame it on maeve’s sleep schedule than admit that she couldn’t be without him, “i miss you too”

[sethcohcnaf]

it was late and yet wandering about in her flat was not enough to soothe her mind let alone silence the noise that came with the turmoil bubbling up in her. she didn’t have to edge toward the door in fear at the sound of the knocking -- she already had a good idea of who it was. 

she opened the door -- the smile that often etched at her lips at the sight of him could not be found and perhaps it was because she wasn’t sure if it was her own anger or his disappointment that she feared most or maybe it was the quiet realization that they were capable of fighting that had her terrified of what was to come out next. 

“i didn’t think you were going to come” she admitted, she had sent the owl with the little optimism she had left, she didn’t want to fight, but she also couldn’t bare the silence -- so she had given him a time slot and a request to join her if he was up for it and maybe she needed to know if he was still going to show up, even if he she might have given him every reason not too -- 

@ofdcydreams​

[sethcohcnaf]

ofdcydreams​:

      ❝  i  assure  you  that  my  family  will  be  fine  .  marlene  tends  to  find  new  ways  to  entertain  them  so  neither  my  mum  or  father  will  notice  my  absence .  ❞    as  unraveling  his  family  was ,  they  still  held  a  strong  regard  from  him  and  nothing  would  change  that .  ❝  but  if  you  have  other  plans  …  i  surely  do  not  want  to  blamed  by  the  world  because  they  have  need  of  saving  by  you .  ❞  he  continues  on  with  a  laugh  though  that  brightness  still  burns  in  his  eyes  as  tristan  speaks .  ❝   since  being  isolated  in  the  castle ,  i’ve  got  some  days  to  make  up .  ❞ 

    he  pauses  for  only  a  moment .  the  look  emmeline  is  giving  him  surely  telling  of  a  weakness  in  her  armor .  ❝ you’d  survive ,  i’m  sure  of  it .  ❞  tristan  asserts  with  a  curt  nod ,  features  only  softening  at  the  realization  of  such  a  dreary  hypothetical .  it’d  take  the  greatest  evil  for  her  to  ever  lose  him .  but  to  deny  that  emmeline  was  certainly  the  strongest  between  the  pair  would  be  a  truly  wicked  lie .  ❝  don’t  mistake  that  for  me  ever  wanting  to  leave ,  emmeline ,  because  i  don’t .  ❞  tristan  needed  her  to  hear  that  first .  ❝  but  you  are  resilient ,  emmeline .   ❞ 

     to  fall  back  to  their  regular  pace  was  easy  ,  almost  too  natural  as  he walks  next  to  her .  ❝ i  would  never  brand  you  as  a  liar  ,  ms.  vance  -   ❞  he  says  with  the  same  tone  as  she  had  said  his  name  ,  hands  falling  back  into  the  pockets  of  his  robe  to  exaggerate  the  shrug  of  his  shoulders .  ❝  but  i’ve  learned  one  thing  and  that  is  you  don’t  share  .   ❞   fondness  still  in  his  smile  as  tristan  looks  away  towards  the  path  into  the  muggle  city .  ❝ besides  the  pancakes ,  is  there  anything  else  i  should  try  ?  i’ve  visited  the  city  with  my  father  ,  but  never  got  to  truly  experience  it .  ❞ 

“maybe but there’s always going to be someone to miss you -- that in itself is rare, not everyone has someone to miss them” what it was wistful -- she herself was surprised that there wasn’t an underlying sadness - a bitterness that could taint the day and maybe because it  was she did have that once, in her grandmum - she had someone besides the man before her missing her and it wasn’t something she’d ever want to deprive him of. the smile that stretched her lips was bright, “i wouldn’t choose work over you -- at least not for the next month, i think i’m in need of a break” and it was by merlin, honest. the late hours -- the nights that left her in her reserved bed in mungos, she could do without. the twinkle in her gaze barely conveyed the mischief that came with his promise, “you’re picking next you know --” nodding at the diner up ahead, “this was all me, you’re responsible for our next” giving his arm a squeeze, “and don’t fret, i know this is going to be a hard act to follow” maybe she did want to challenge him a little.

“there’s a difference between surviving and not having a willingness to live -- i assure you, if something were to ever happen to you, i would be the latter” the whisper was as haunting as her heart ached at the very thought. she didn’t doubt that she’d be breathing, but wanting to be alive was two very different things and she couldn’t imagine her heart beating through the darkness that would be a world without tristan mckinnon, “i won’t ever ask you to promise something that you can’t guarantee, but all i ask is before you do anything with that great big heart of yours -- you think twice about the destruction that would leave in your wake if anything were to ever happen to you, i’m not looking to test my resilience --” perhaps it came out harsher than she intended but it wasn’t lost on her that he was crucial part of the order and she was being a hypocrite. they served the greater good than their own interests, but in this moment she would rather be selfish than lose him.

“once you’ve had a bite -- you wouldn’t want to share either” and he wasn’t wrong, she had never been much of a sharer and she didn’t just mean with food. “it’s funny you say that -- i haven’t really been exploring as much as i should but i do have a few things on a list that we can knock off --”

[sethcohcnaf]

poltcrgists​:

jess had been a hard person to get to know and even a harder person to love. he had known that. he had jumped from foster home to foster home before evelyn had given him that chance that she did. and she took a major fall for it in the beginning, jess had always been getting into trouble, making his adopted mother look bad. eventually after therapy and the right medications it was like the regression to the mean, and somewhere along the line he had fallen for nathalie and it was the easiest thing in the world. it was an honest love that he hadn’t known what to do with at the time. he didn’t think that he was capable of feeling that way towards another person, and then when maeve was born it was like this other part of him had just opened up and all that reserved and boxed up love that he thought wasn’t there anymore had felt like dust coming off boxes in an attic. “i think she just wanted some extra cuddles from mom,” he says with a smile, “they’re pretty good ones.” he adds, letting his voice drop near the end. 

“i went into a bookstore with the intent of buying another book series to read with her but ended up with a bunch of parenting books instead,” he confides, a low chuckle shaking his head. it was the hard thing with being adopted so late in life, he couldn’t ask his mom what she had done when he was this age because she didn’t know him then, and the memories of his own parents were foggy at best. there’s a low ache at the mention of the picnics. the little bright spots during such a difficult time. “i think so—at least the feeling.” the guilt eats away at him. he feels like he’s failed as a father, unable to do something as basic as taking her for a picnic. he calms himself down, knowing that once he spirals its impossible to get him out of it. “i’d like that.” he eventually says, “it uh, it’d be good for all of us, i think.” 

“well, i think that’s a compliment to us,” he says, “we created a pretty cute kid,” maeve had looked so much like nathalie, before she had been born he had worried that maybe she’d get all of his bad parts, that it would be too much, but he had been wrong—she had gotten all of nathalie’s goodness, it was impossible not to love her. when she mentions the PTA meetings he nods, “well, if you need a get out of jail free card you can always send a text and i can get you out of there. firefighter perk.” and regardless, there wasn’t much that he wouldn’t do for her. 

Nathalie tried to not plague herself with mom guilt -- it was the most natural and awful feeling in the world, in a ideal world - she’d be able to have her career and not sacrifice a single moment wth maeve, but to be able to do both - she needed find a balance and sometimes that meant a few less cuddles than usual. “i’ll sneak a few extra ones in tonight” there were a few things Nathalie could take without a single wince -- but that quiet confession, one she wasn’t sure was meant for her ears was what tore at her, because in reality she still hadn’t gotten used to sleeping in a bed alone let alone sleeping without him. sitting this far when he was well within reach? it was painful - the kind that she endured and smiled through easily because it was right for them - or at least that’s what she used to think?

“they weren’t ever enough” broken whisper wrenching through - because wasn’t that the truth? she had been enough - they hadn’t been enough. the brutality of it all was loving someone just wasn’t enough, they had needed more than love - they had needed transparency and communication and oh god, she felt like she had failed him in so many ways. “it’s an addiction” she chuckled, “you take one and you can’t help but grabbing another, as if we’re going to unlock the secret of being the best parent out there” she mused, “if you’re looking for a new series - try anything with dinosaurs, she’s been quite obsessed with them lately” she hadn’t realized her foot had been tapping away as she awaited an answer. “maybe this weekend?” relief coursing through her, “if you’re not busy --” she added swiftly, because she didn’t want him to drop everything for them -- finding that routine after them took heartbreakingly long and it came with learning to prioritize herself, she didn’t want to ruin his groove  -- disrupt his life more than she already had.

the smile that etched her lips radiated pride and warmth, “we really did --” she murmured, “between your eyes and smile - she’ll have the world wrapped around her finger in no time” cheeks flushing slightly as she realized what she had admitted, but how can she deny the truth? arms crossing over her chest as she tilted her head to the side curious, “i might take you up on that - you’re going to regret offering”