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sev3nruby · 3 years ago

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Downshift

Pairing: Motocross!Ari Levinson x Female Reader Summary: Ari thinks you're too good for his neighbor and he's, sadly, proven right. Word Count: Over 2.2k Warnings: Pining, hurt/comfort, some angst, fluff and feels, cheating (not by Ari), swearing, motocross!Ari Levinson (he’s a warning, okay? A/N: Meet Beast and Sweetart! Set in the same AU as Starting Gate and Lapper. Should I start making Wednesdays a dedicated motocross day? Beta read by the beautiful @maladaptivexxdaydreaming, but any and all mistakes are my own. Banners by the talented @maysdigitalarts. Shoutout to my lovely for helping with the reader's nickname (I can't tag you. BOO!). Please follow @navybrat817-sideblog for new fics and notifications. Please reblog or comment as it means the world!

Ari Levinson is a beast. One of the largest and toughest riders in his class at 6'5", combined with his dark beard, shaggy hair and rough exterior, he received the nickname in passing and it stuck. If you asked any of his exes, he was a beast on and off the tracks. He didn’t mind. There were worse names out there.

Most riders weren’t easy to intimidate, but not many wanted to go toe-to-toe with him. Others in town tended to stay out of his way, too, when he wasn’t smiling. Jensen teased that people probably expected him to growl. He could admittedly be an asshole when the occasion called for it, but he was a good guy.

A beast with a heart.

One of the only people he could remember in a long time who never seemed put off by him was you.

Someone “taking his breath away” seemed like complete bullshit until you showed up. When you looked his way the first time, you flashed him a kind smile and wave. You looked sweet, making him want to devour you to see if you tasted the same. Arousal spread from his gut and you hadn’t touched him.

I could eat you for breakfast, lunch and dinner and it wouldn’t be enough.

Your eyes caught his attention next. The sincerity and warmth weren’t anything like the pit lizards who threw themselves at him. He stared and hoped his blue eyes reflected a resemblance of kindness. He didn’t want to scare you off. He wanted to ruin and keep you safe.

It didn’t matter what he did.

You were dating his asshole neighbor, Carter.

It didn’t make sense to fall for someone so quickly, but it hurt each time he saw you go into or leave Carter’s place. Especially when you smiled his way or stopped to chat for a few minutes. Your boyfriend was always quick to pull you away with a cocky smirk or a smart-ass comment, which prompted you to tell him to be nice and mouth “sorry” back in his direction.

Why are you with him?

From what he knew about the guy, he came from money and traveled a lot. Even his dressed down clothes were name brand. He gambled occasionally, but Ari never saw him at the track. Maybe it had something to do with keeping you away from the riders. He never liked the prick, but seeing a sweet girl like you with him put him on his permanent shit list, along with how he treated you. Like you were an object or a doll for him to play with.

There was a difference between being somewhat possessive and treating someone like a possession.

Doing his best not to take his frustration out on his bike, he still couldn’t figure out why you were with him in the first place. You didn’t seem like the materialistic type and you were kind to everyone. Were you settling? He wanted to grumble so many times that you were too good for him, but he would’ve sounded crazy since the two of you only spoke a few times in passing.

It wasn’t like Ari to sit back and watch something good pass by. He knew from racing what happened if you let opportunities slip away. Even if he was selfish in wanting you, was it really his place to ruin your happiness? It wasn't meant for him to interfere.

Looking back, maybe he should have.

The knock on his door pulled him from his slumber, groaning as he sat up and rubbed his eyes. After work and practice, all he wanted to do was get some fucking sleep.

“Just a minute! Fuck!” he yelled at the second knock, throwing some shorts on before he made his way to the door.

His sweet girl You stood there with tears streaming down your face as the door flew open and he wanted to apologize for snapping when you shrank back. You were in your work clothes and you shivered despite the warm air.

“I’m sorry. I, um, I didn’t mean to bother you. I’ll go.”

“Are you okay?” he asked when you began to turn away, skipping the pleasantries. It was the only thing keeping him from putting his first through the wall.

Who knew the sight of your tears would bring out the animal in him?

“My boyfriend. Well, no. EX-boyfriend now,” you said quickly, swiping at your face to brush the tears away. “I just caught him in bed with…”

“Fuck,” Ari whispered, not fully hearing the rest of your words, his blood boiling as you cried harder. He knew the guy was a prick, but a cheating prick? How could anyone cheat on you?

I bet Barnes and Rogers would help me hide a body.

“Can I use your phone, please? I dropped it when I left and I can’t go back there.”

Ari nodded and let you inside, having to step back so you didn’t brush against him. He was happy that the place was clean. It likely wasn’t as nice as Carter’s place, but he did well enough and he took pride in it.

He imagined you there many times, but not like this.

“Thank you. I’ll be out of your hair soon,” you sniffled as he directed you to the couch, wincing slightly. “I’m sorry, but could I also ask for some ice?”

“Stop apologizing, please,” he nearly begged before he went rigid. “Ice? Are you hurt?”

I’ll kill him if he touched you. I’ll fucking kill him.

“I punched him?” it came out as a question, holding up your hand to show him. “Never punched anyone before. I don’t think I did it right.”

Ari fell for you a bit more. “He had it coming,” he said before he could stop himself. “Sit tight. I’ll get my phone and some ice.”

“Thanks, Ari,” you said, rubbing the top of your hand.

His gaze lingered before he left the room to grab what you needed, wishing he could pull you in his arms to tell you it would be okay. Anything to put your smile back on your face.

The only tears he wished you’d cry were tears of pleasure.

Maybe one day, I can do that. And maybe not while you’re healing from this.

“You know, I could teach you how to punch,” he said after he came back and sat down beside you, gently placing the wrapped ice on top of your hand. He took up a portion of the couch with his size, but you didn’t seem to mind how close he was. At least, he hoped you didn’t.

You inhaled sharply, but managed a small smile. “I bet you could. Doesn’t everyone call you ‘beast’?”

He was happy that you knew his nickname. “They do. What do people call you? Sweetart?”

“Don’t you mean ‘sweetheart’?” you asked as you took the phone with your other hand.

“Nah. You look sweet and you are sweet, but you apparently pack a tart punch. Like the candy.”

Fuck, I sound like Jensen. He rubbed off on me.

You began to laugh after a second, your eyes shining a bit brighter through the pain. “Sweetart. I like that.”

Clearing his throat, he stood up and looked down at you. Most women were smaller than him, no matter their height, but the urge to wrap you in his arms and keep you safe wouldn’t go away. “I’ll let you make your call.”

He made sure to grab some tissues and a glass of water as well as you called your friend, doing his best not to listen when he heard tears in your throat. You asked if you could crash at her place and explained that you weren't in the best headspace to drive over there. He should’ve offered you a ride. It was the least you could do.

You set his phone on the coffee table once you were finished. “My friend should be here shortly. One of the only numbers I have memorized.”

He sat back down beside you as he handed you a tissue, his knee touching yours. “I know it doesn’t help, but I’m sorry.”

You dabbed at your eyes, sniffling. “Probably better that I caught him now and not later. I just feel stupid, you know?”

“You’re not stupid, he is. He’s a fucking prick, too.”

“He never liked you,” you said, smiling a little.

“Well, the feeling’s mutual,” he said, sighing as he leaned back against the cushion. “Could never figure out why you were with him.”

Fuck, why did I say that?

“He’s a family friend. Charming. Sophisticated. The kind of guy my parents wanted me to be with. When he asked me out, I agreed. I knew he had his flaws, but I looked past them,” you explained as he turned his head to pay better attention. You swallowed a little before you continued. “Which is another reason I feel stupid. I cared despite the red flags. I set myself up to get hurt.”

“You ignored your instincts because you cared, but that doesn’t make you stupid. Stop calling yourself that.”

You nodded, reaching for the water. He caught the ice before it could slip from your hand, keeping it there as you took a sip. “Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.”

“The girl he was with was an old girlfriend. A stunningly beautiful socialite who just happened to be in town. They thought I’d still be at work,” your lip trembled. “She didn’t even look sorry that I caught them. It was like she knew she was better than me. And I know deep down he wanted me to be more like her.”

Fuck that.

“Anyone who jumps in bed with a guy and knows they’re with someone else isn’t better than you. They deserve each other. You deserve better.”

“You really believe that?” you asked, a tear falling.

Before you could wipe it away, he reached over and caught it with his fingertip. “I do. And I know it hurts like hell. He should’ve been faithful and worshiped the ground you walked on. You don’t deserve anything less than that.”

Ari thought he said the wrong thing when your expression went blank, setting the ice pack on the table. “Can I have a hug, please? You’ve always been so nice to me and I could really use one.”

Whatever you want.

The second he wrapped his arms around you and pulled you close, a fresh wave of tears came. Wetness gathered on his chest as you let it out. He wasn’t used to people turning to him as a source of comfort, but he instinctively rubbed your back and nuzzled the top of your head with his chin. He wanted to rip Carter limb from limb for reducing you to this. The demented part of him wanted to stay alive just so he could watch you thrive without him.

No matter what happened, Ari would make sure you were happy.

Your tears slowed after a minute, but you stayed in his hold. “I’m sorry,” you mumbled against his chest. “You’re really warm. I think you are a beast.”

Ari chuckled, his large hand sliding up and down your back to soothe you. “You figured it out. Don’t tell anyone.”

“It’ll be our secret,” you said, lifting your head. Having you against him, you robbed him of his breath again. “Could I ask one more favor and I’d be forever in your debt? And you don’t have to.”

“Name it.”

“Would you be willing to help me get some of my stuff out of there later? I can pay you.”

“I don’t want your money. I can help,” he assured you. He would do it for free just to see the look on that prick’s face. “On one condition.”

“Name it,” you smiled, echoing his words.

“Come to my next race?” he casually suggested, hoping it didn’t sound like a date. He didn’t want you to think he was insensitive to your current feelings. “No pressure. No expectations. I know you just ended a relationship, but I think you could use a friend.”

“I’ll be there,” you promised, bringing a smile to his face. He hoped he didn’t look too excited, especially since you were still hurt. “I’ve been wanting to go for ages and now I have no reason not to.”

“I think you’ll like it. And don’t worry about your stuff. If you know where it needs to go, I’ll get some of the guys to help me out. In fact," he took your hand, the one you punched Carter with, and brought it to his lips. He swore he heard a slight whimper when they met your skin. "I'll even get your phone back before you head out."

"Thank you," you said breathlessly, clearing your throat as you looked away for a second. It felt good knowing he took your breath away, too. "I mean it. Thank you so much, Ari."

Ari knew your friend would show up any minute, so he cherished the feeling of holding you for a bit longer. He meant what he said about you needing a friend. The wound would take time to heal and he would help you see that you were perfect.

A sweet and tart girl who made everyone around you smile.

He just hoped you wouldn’t hold it against him when he punched Carter in his smug face.

*****

We'll see more of Beast and Sweetart, along with some other riders, soon. Love and thanks for reading! ❤️

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sev3nruby · 3 years ago

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SEBASTIAN STAN Variety ‘Actors On Actors’

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sev3nruby · 3 years ago

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Bucky Barnes + soft vulnerable eyes The Falcon and The Winter Soldier (2021)

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sev3nruby · 3 years ago

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All About Shadowban

Tumblr ‘How To’s

I had no idea about Tumblr’s shadowban until it happened to me. Since then, surprisingly quite a few number of people have texted me about them getting shadowbanned as well. Now that I’m aware of it, I realize it’s becoming increasingly common for legit blogs like mine to get shadowbanned for no reason at all. So hope this helps everyone who has to unnecessarily go through this.

What does shadowban exactly mean?

Basically, your blog exists and mostly functions as it normally would, but Tumblr has made it invisible to everyone else. Tumblr lets you believe that everything is fine and that you can interact with others, but actually you can’t. (Look at the wikipedia definition here.)

Why does this happen?

From what I understand, blogs get shadowbanned since they are suspected of being bots, or just sketchy, or they might be going against Tumblr’s guidelines. I’m not sure, but it might also happen if someone has reported your blog.

But more often than not, it’s just a tumblr glitch.

How to tell if your blog has been shadowbanned? And most of the things that happen during this state.

(These are the things that I personally went through. It might not be the same for everyone. Also, my main blog (@that-damn-girl) was shadowbanned. My side-blogs were fine. So in case your main blog is fine but your side blog is shadowbanned, you might have a different experience.)

(P.S. remember that commenting on a post and sending an ask are features reserved for the main blog only.)

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sev3nruby · 3 years ago

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Gotcha, but don't worry, I wouldn't ask that for this drabble. Okay so, long story short: I had a TIME last week due to several things going wrong & was feeling very overwhelmed. I just looked at my co-workers & went "I just wish I could just have a big hug from Sebastian right now!!!" So, could you do something like that where the reader is just feeling overwhelmed & Bucky's visiting her at work & sees she needs his Beefy!Bucky hugs? You're the best (& my fave ;D) <3

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Plus Size!Reader

WC: 1.7k

A/n: Sorry for the bad week Nat. <3 Hoping this helps brighten your day a little.

Warnings: Asshole boss

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“I’m sorry sir, it’s just that I didn’t have a lot of time to put a whole report together. I promise I tried. I stayed up ‘til 4 this morning to try to get it don-”

“I know you’re not trying to make excuses for this type of mess up, Y/n.” Your boss sits across from you at his desk, red-faced and arms crossed in front of him. “This made me look really bad in front of the entire team this morning.”

Your head hangs low, not wanting to look him in the eyes at the risk of bringing attention to the tears in yours. “It’s just that I didn’t get the notes until after 7 last night. There was no way for me to be able to get it all done with such a short amount of time-”

He slams his hands on the desk, cutting you off as he stands up. “Oh so it’s my fault?”

“I didn’t say that-” It’s becoming impossible for your voice not to tremble. You’re just so tired, so frustrated. All you want to do is crawl into a hole and never emerge, not spend the rest of the day getting chewed out by your asshole boss.

“It fucking sounds like you’re trying to blame me for your incompetence, Y/n.”

If it were any other day, and you weren’t running on fumes, you would have found the strength to tell him to shove it.

But it isn’t, and you just want it to be over.

“You’re right.” You close your eyes, take a deep breath, then look back up at the raging boomer before you. “I messed up. I’ll do better next time.”

His eyes narrow and he gives you a single nod. “I should hope so. If not, we’ll have to discuss your future here. I know for a fact that Brit wouldn’t have let something like this slide.” He turns to stare out the window, dismissing you.

You bite your tongue so hard that the taste of iron fills your mouth.

Of course he had to fucking bring up Brit.

The girl who spends more time on Tinder at work than actually doing her job.

No way Brit could make any mistakes. In your boss’s eyes, she was perfect.

She looked perfect at least. Narrow waist, a chest that could barely be contained in her tight blouses, and an ass he would openly stare at when she walked by. It was disgusting.

He acted that way with pretty much every woman in the office. Your worth was based on your looks.

And according to his ‘sound’ logic, your looks made you pretty much worthless. Apparently he wasn’t a fan of your round physique, non-existent thigh gap and double chin.

No, when it came to his values, you either needed to have a dick or looks that he could objectify in order for you to obtain his time or respect.

Not that you want to be harassed by a rude, obnoxious, total asshole so that you could be valued. Fuck no. It just would be nice to exist in a work environment where the quality of work holds more weight than...well….

Your actual weight.

It’s a fight that you still can’t muster up the strength to have, because there’s pretty much no chance of winning when societal standards have been at war with plus-size women since what feels like the dawn of time.

So instead, you quietly stand up and sneak out the door, shifting your way past your coworkers with your head down until you make it to the bathroom.

As soon as the stall door closes behind you, the waterworks come full force. You cover your face with your hands, trying to quiet your weeping so that no one could hear. After a few minutes, you pull yourself together enough to emerge from the stall.

Only to catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror.

Yikes.

Your eyes were already red and glassy from the sleep deprivation, but now your soft, round face is puffy and tear-stained. The best you can do to take care of the damage is wet a paper towel to remove your streaked makeup and splash some water over your face.

Oh, and blow out all of the snot from your nose because that is not cute.

Soft mutters echo in your ears as you make your way back to your cubicle.

“It should be illegal for someone to be that handsome.”

“Did you see his arms? Holy shit.”

“I’m pretty sure Mark almost dropped his whole stack of papers when he saw the man smile.”

Your eyes narrow, wondering what all the fuss is about until you finally reach your desk.

Someone’s sitting in your chair.

A tall, ridiculously muscled someone, their back to you.

Suddenly all of the problems of today seem to disappear, and you smile.

“Buck?”

He spins around in the chair until he faces you, a giant grin on his face. In his hands are a to-go cup of coffee and a small paper bag.

It truly is unfair for a man to look this good in a simple red henley, jeans, and a baseball cap. Not that you’re complaining all that much.

“Hey there, gorgeous.” He lifts up his offerings. “I wanted to bring you some extra caffeine and muffins from your favorite place. Last night was a long one for you and I know you didn’t get any sleep, so hopefully these can get you through the day.”

You clench your jaw to keep your lips from trembling. Still, your voice wavers as you respond, “You came all the way to work to bring me coffee?”

Bucky shrugs, his smile turning sheepish. “And maybe I missed my girl. Couldn’t seem to wait until tonight to see you.”

Aaaaaand here come the tears again.

Not like the flood works you just let out in the bathroom, but enough to produce a glassy film over your eyes. Bucky frowns, quickly placing the items on your desk and standing to pull you into his arms.

“Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” His voice is soft enough to not alarm any of the surrounding desks.

“It’s nothing.” Your voice is soft and muffled against his shirt, but you know he can hear the words perfectly. He’s always been the best listener. “No sleep plus a not great morning at work just don’t go well together.”

Bucky says nothing, just squeezes you tighter to him.

“This helps, though,” you mumble. He chuckles and kisses the crown of your head.

“Hey, if all I ever need to do in life is hold this gorgeous body of yours, then I’d consider myself the luckiest guy around.” He pulls back to place a gentle kiss on your forehead.

“Y/n, I just sent another doc for you to make a report for. Think you can do your job right this time?” Your boss’s voice pierces through the open space as he barrels down the line of cubicles until he’s right at yours.

He stops short, eyes wide as he looks up at your 6’3, beefy, now very pissed off boyfriend.

You look up at Bucky and catch that his eyes are filled with rage as he locks onto your boss. He shifts until you're by his side, his right arm around your shoulders.

Then, he smiles.

“You must be Y/n’s boss.” Bucky extends his left hand out. “I’m Sergeant James Barnes.”

Your boss looks down at the vibranium, then hesitantly reaches out to shake it. “Pleasure to meet you James-” a yelp escapes him as the indestructible metal tightens around his hand.

“Sergeant Barnes,” Bucky corrects.

Your boss nods, and you catch a sheen of sweat forming on his forehead. “Sergeant Barnes.” His voice cracks as he asks, “What brings you to our fine office today?”

His grip doesn’t yield on the handshake while Bucky looks down at you. As soon as his eyes meet yours they soften. “I was just coming to check on my girl. Y/n was up all night working on those reports because you didn’t get her the materials she needed until very late in the day.” His gaze returns to the terrified man before you, as does his anger. “Apparently this morning hasn’t been great for her either. Any idea why?”

A grunt escapes your boss as the hand of the super soldier once again tightens. Did you hear a cracking sound? Oh well…

He clears his throat, eyes darting to you, panicked. “I’m s-sorry to hear that, Y/n. You know, it might have been my fault that there were mistakes on that report for today’s meeting.” He looks back at Bucky, who raises his eyebrows, signaling him to continue. “And since you were up all night because of my error, why don’t you take the rest of the day off?” He grimaces. “You’ve earned it.”

Bucky smiles, finally releasing his hand and turning back to you. “Ya hear that, doll? Looks like you can come home and relax.”

You fight back a shit-eating grin as you look from Bucky to your boss. “I’ll see you tomorrow then, sir.”

A laugh that sounds more like a choke escapes the man in front of you. “'Sir' is so formal. You can call me by my first name, you know. No need for the formalities.”

Nodding, you turn to your desk, starting to pack up your things, clearly dismissing your boss and giving him a taste of his own medicine.

“Sergeant Barnes, glad we got to...meet.”

“Oh, me too. I’ll be sure to stop by more often to check in on Y/n. And to see you, of course.” Bucky’s voice sounds friendly, but the underlying threat is clear to anyone close enough to hear him.

Another nod from your boss before he scurries off to his office.

As soon as he’s gone, you and Bucky look at each other and burst out laughing.

“Had I known that all I needed to get him off my back was to have you visit, I would have brought you to work long ago, Buck.”

He grins, taking your belongings from you and hooking his free arm around your neck, holding you close to him.

“Are you giving me permission to visit your lovely face during the day whenever I want?” He kisses your temple as you walk by your gaping coworkers in their cubicles. Brit manages to peel her gaze away from her phone to stare at the two of you as well. “Damn, I really am the luckiest guy around.”

You smile, all exhaustion and sadness gone from your body while cradled into the side of the man you love.

“And I’m the luckiest gal.”

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Thank you for reading! Feel free to check out my other stuff here. :)

Tags: @maladaptivexxdaydreaming @eclipses-and-moondust

If you enjoyed this fic, please consider supporting me through my kofi account!

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sev3nruby · 3 years ago

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Hold Me Tight

Bucky x reader

Summary: Bucky isn’t used to your touch.

Word Count: 427

You were talking with Bucky. He made you laugh at his dumb joke. Reaching out for him, you placed your hand on his bicep.

Involenerly he jerked away from you. He felt like an idiot. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to feel your touch. He wanted. Oh, he wanted it badly. For a while now, he had a thing for you. He just wasn’t expecting it. Somehow it startled him, and his body reacted on its own.

“Hey, Y/n?” A few days later, Bucky walked up to you, feeling awkward. He couldn’t bear the fact that you started to avoid him from that day forward. The idea of not seeing you, talking with you, or just seeing your smile made his heart hurt.

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sev3nruby · 3 years ago

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Summary: What will you do when Bucky figures out your biggest secret?

Warnings: self inflicted wounds/suicide (see notes at end for more information if you'd like to know more before reading!), drunk driver, aliens that are like bees

Word Count: 8964

a/n: AHHH I've been writing this for forever! Every time I thought it was the end, I realized I had more to say lol. Another fic where we pretend everyone is alive and living happily together 🤷🏻‍♀️ Also, please ignore all the fake shit I made up about these freaking aliens and bees and the like... it just kind of happened. I tried to stick to the comics and it really just snowballed.

Masterlist

"Hey, Y/N," Sam greeted you as you boarded the jet. "You ready for this one?"

"Shouldn't be any different from the last five," you quipped back having grown used to the team of four. You, Sam, Steve, and Wanda had gone on five consecutive missions together, getting in and getting things done quickly. Sam eyed you curiously, seemingly confused. "What?"

"Steve isn't the only super soldier coming on this one," Wanda cut in. "Bucky is too."

"Oh," you stilled in your movements, the shock of Bucky going on a mission with you throwing you off. He's been with the team for a little over a year, going on missions for the last three months of that time. In those three months, you are the only one he has never gone on a mission with. "Should be fun."

Sam and Wanda both looked like they wanted to say more, but just then Steve and Bucky boarded the jet. Steve glanced around, verifying everyone was present, before closing the hatch.

You barely listened as he explained the mission. Your eyes kept flitting between the file in your hands and Bucky sitting next to Steve, distracting you. Bucky has been sort of an enigma to you since he joined the team.

After all the time and research you put in to find the Winter Soldier, you definitely admired Bucky. You read through countless files about what he'd been through in your efforts to pinpoint his location, learning way more about the pain and torture he'd endured than you ever thought you would.

When you tuned back into the current conversation, Steve was wrapping up the mission details. Thankfully, you were already familiar with the file. It was a simple op. Get in, download the files, get out. Sam would provide air support while the rest of you split into two teams, downloading files from two separate computers on opposite sides of the facility.

In hindsight, it made sense to have a fifth person on the mission. You should have seen it coming. Still, even if you had seen it coming, you wouldn't have expected it to be Bucky, not with how he steadfastly avoids you at all costs.

Shaking off the weird feeling, you focused on going over your plan for infiltration. You and Steve were paired, likely because Bucky refused to work with you. Again, you shook it off. His feelings made no sense to you, but now was not the time to figure it out.

"Everyone ready?" Steve asked, preparing to open the hatch now that the jet had landed. With nods from the team, he pressed the button and everyone took off.

"Shit!" you yelped as you dodged another spray of bullets, the thumb drive with the files you needed secured in your pocket.

"Bucky, Wanda, what's your status?" Steve called into the comms, using his shield to deflect the bullets back toward your assailants.

"Files secured," Wanda shouted back. She sounded just as out of breath as you, clearly in the middle of something. A few seconds later, Bucky chimed in.

"Wilson just took out the last of them on our side," he said cooly. His voice was completely level, no sign of exhaustion present. "On route back to the jet."

"Swing by the west side, we're surrounded," Steve asked, still trying to figure out a way out. Thankfully, it didn't take long for them to get to you.

Their arrival drew some of the fire, giving you and Steve the opportunity you needed to escape the corner you'd been backed into. You were sprinting through an open area when you noticed a lone sniper aiming for Wanda.

"Wanda, duck!" you screamed, jumping in front of her just as he fired the gun. You fired your own weapon, hitting the agent square between the eyes as you dropped to the ground. "Mother fucker," you grunted, hand already reaching for the wound in you leg. The sheer amount of blood told you all you needed to know. You didn't have long.

"Y/N!" The rest of the team was suddenly at your side, their faces portraying various panicked expressions. You barely registered the pain on Bucky's face as the whole world faded to black.

The first time you died you were 16.

Your friend Cheryl had just gotten her license, and despite your parents rules about not riding in the car if any of your friends were driving, you went with her to the mall. You were only six minutes from your house when a drunk driver swerved into your lane, sending you and Cheryl careening off the road and into a tree.

You would've both been fine if another car didn't follow your path off the road, crash into your car, and send you flying into the lake. The last thing you remember was desperately trying to remove your seatbelt as water filled your lungs.

Next thing you know, you were back in the parking lot of the mall with Cheryl as if you hadn't left yet- the one key difference being your inability to breath properly. Your sporadic coughing fit caught her attention as the two of you buckled up to leave.

"You good?" she questioned, eyeing you with worry. Your coughs tapered out, confusion riddling your own expression.

"I don't... yeah. I'm fine," you answered, shaking off the sense of deja vu as she pulled out of the parking lot. Your lungs were still burning when the same crash happened again. You were six minutes from your house, once again desperately trying to free yourself and Cheryl from the car and then, bam. You were back in the parking lot.

"What the fuck?" you mumbled, through the coughing fit.

"Are you okay?" Cheryl asked, patting your back in an effort to help.

"Fine," you grumbled, still confused by what was happening. "Can we stop at CVS for some cough drops?"

"Sure thing," she answered as she pulled out of the parking spot. You ran into CVS quickly, getting back in the car and making your way home. Six minutes from your house, you saw the car that crashed into you.

"Stop!" you abruptly yelled, practically jumping out of the car when you noticed the car crashed into the tree where you and Cheryl should've been, the car that swerved into your lane crashed into a light pole on the other side of the street. "Call 911!" you shouted at Cheryl as you ran to check on the people in the car.

It wasn't long before the police and ambulances arrived, calling your parents to pick you up from the scene. From what you could tell, everyone involved would make a full recovery, especially since no cars were sent into the lake.

Your parents were quick to lecture you about riding in the car with Cheryl, but your mind was a million miles away.

"Y/N! Are you even listening? That could've been you!" your mom shouted, maybe a bit out of anger for you ignoring her rules, but mostly out of fear. Little did she know how close it was.

"Swing by the west side, we're surrounded," Steve's voice sounded from next to you, cluing you back into your surroundings. You leaned slightly, favoring your right leg as the feeling of a bullet tearing through your left thigh lingered.

Once again, it didn't take long for your backup to arrive. Sam, Bucky, and Wanda gave you the chance you needed to move back toward the jet. This time, when the opportunity came, you took out the sniper before he could even aim the gun in Wanda's direction.

Before long, all five of you were safe and sound in the confines of the jet, treating minor scrapes instead of bullet wounds.

"Nice work," Steve said to everyone. "Y/N, I don't know how you noticed that sniper so quickly." He shook his head as he spoke. Despite years of working together, the team was always impressed with your quick thinking. Or at least, what they thought was quick thinking.

"Luck was on my side, I guess," you shrugged off the compliment, still slightly favoring your right leg as you shifted in your seat. Bucky stared at you as if he could see right through you, but when you met his eye he looked away.

It seems like this mission wouldn't do anything to change Bucky's avoidance of you.

The third time you died was in college. You had chalked your high school experience up to trauma, and moved on. It took a few years, but you figured you were remembering it wrong or something. It just wasn't logical to assume you drowned and then came back to life only to relive it.

In fact, you chose not to think about the experience ever again. Until, one day, on your way to class you noticed a little boy playing with a bouncy ball while walking with his parents. The ball must've hit a crack, because instead of bouncing back up into his hand, it flew into the street. Without a thought, he chased after the ball. It wouldn't have been a problem if not for the truck coming down the street at that exact moment.

It was an easy decision for you to try to save the child. You pushed him out of the way of the vehicle, taking the hit yourself. Pain coursed through your body as multiple bones cracked and the world slowly faded to black amidst the sound of sirens and screaming.

You woke up fifteen minutes before it happened, walking down the street as if you had just left for class. Your body ached as the injuries lingered. You felt that familiar deja vu as you came upon the child and his parents once again.

It felt like everything was happening in slow motion as you watched the boy bounce the ball. You sped up your walking, just barely catching the ball before the kid could decide to walk into the street. Instead of being hit by the truck, you simply felt the wind on your face as it sped by.

You quickly gave the child the ball, practically running to your lecture hall so you could freak out in the privacy of the bathroom. Even in a world where people like Captain America exist, you never thought you would actually have some sort of super power.

So, you ignored it. For as long as you could, you pretended it didn't exist. You didn't tell a single soul about what happened. Either time. You just continued on with college, trying to study for your tests and live your life like a normal person.

Then, the battle of New York happened, and ignoring it no longer seemed possible.

It felt like any other day in New York. Of course, you'd heard about the attack in Germany, but it seemed like an isolated incident. From what the news was showing, the threat had been handled. It wasn't until aliens burst out of the sky in New York that anyone outside of government intelligence really knew anything serious was happening.

Now, living in New York City has its pros and cons. You just never thought dealing with an alien invasion would make the list. At first, it was only slightly out of the ordinary. It certainly wasn't unusual for bright lights and loud noises to emanate from Stark Tower. Afterall, everyone knows who Iron Man is.

Tony Stark falling through the sky without the suit, though? Not exactly your typical day in the city. Of course, today of all days was the first time in months your friends had managed to convince you to go to brunch with them rather than making it at home. New York was expensive enough. You didn't need to add exorbitant meals out on the town to your list of expenses.

Even more of a coincidence was the location of the chosen restaurant: one block east of Stark Tower. So, when the aliens came pouring out of that hole in the sky, you were there. When the explosions started and people panicked, you were there. When Steve Rogers started calling out instructions, you were there.

"Ma'am, civilian extraction is happening through the subway," the Captain called after you, seeing as you were running the wrong direction. Honestly, by the time he spoke to you, you had already died. Twice. Once by explosion and once by alien weaponry.

"Extraction isn't what I was going for, and you don't seem to be in the position of turning down volunteers," you replied, grabbing a discarded alien gun and taking aim. Surprising yourself and the Captain, you managed to hit a few stray aliens. "Y/N L/N, nice to meet you."

"Steve Rogers," he nodded in your direction, accepting the help despite his better judgement. "Just don't die."

"You got it, Captain."

And that's how you managed to join the Avengers. Unbeknownst to Steve, you weren't able to follow his one instruction. During the Battle of New York, you died three more times. Of course, each time you came back you managed to save the people around you.

By the time you finished, you felt like you could sleep for a year. Each death brought with it the residual pain of being stabbed, beaten, and bruised. Your lungs felt full of smoke, and your entire body was in pain. Still, you were able to help at least a little bit.

After that, you started actually training to fight. It seems Shield was impressed with your ability to survive - ha, jokes on them- throughout the fight. Before long, you were going on missions with the team, none of them the wiser about your hidden ability.

You settled into a new normal. Training, missions, living in the tower. Just when you were finally getting the hang of things, everything went to shit. Again.

"Who the hell is Bucky?"

Everything seemed to freeze for Steve. In the short time you've known Steve Rogers, you've never seen him freeze during a fight. He's always prepared for the next attack. Seeing him completely stop fighting was enough for you to second guess yourself as well.

Nat and Sam were not so easily swayed. Sam attacked first, catching the man off guard. Just as he was about to shoot Steve, Nat launched a grenade to throw him off. His shot ended up off target, but still struck someone.

You felt the bullet rip through your abdomen, the sensation still causing you immense pain despite the numerous times you've died via gunshot wound.

"Shit," you cursed, the blood already seeping through your clothes and spreading.

"Y/N!" Steve ran to you, putting pressure on the wound. You could feel the world fading, the familiar feeling of dying beginning to take over. Nat and Sam surrounded you, paying no attention to the various cars full of Hydra agents coming to collect them. "I- I'm sorry," he mumbled, eyes tearing up.

It never got easier for you to watch your friends when they think you're dying. A part of you wanted to just tell them, but another part thought they wouldn't believe you. Even with all of the crazy things they've seen, how can you prove to them you can't die? They won't realize it ever happened since you seem to travel back in time.

The first time it happened, you tried to explain it. A mission went bad, the intel too outdated. Steve and Nat were by your side as you bled out. You explained as much as you could in the little time you had left, but when you woke up fifteen minutes earlier they had no recollection of the conversation. It was easier if they didn’t know.

"Steve, I'll be right back." You had just enough time to see the confusion on his face before you were suddenly waking.

"Who the hell is Bucky?"

This time, you were prepared for the stray bullet. You ducked out of the way just before the bullet went flying through the place you just stood.

That was your first interaction with the Winter Soldier, but definitely not your last. The two of you fought while trying to take down the helicarriers. Being in charge of air support was definitely made more difficult by the Winter Soldier. Every craft you had was either shot down or prevented from even taking off.

"Bucky, right?" you called to him, figuring you could at least try to distract him from making things harder for Steve. He didn't reply, merely taking out another gun and aiming it at you. You relied on your training to guide you through the fight, doing your best to disarm him with each new weapon drawn.

"Seriously?" you muttered when he took out a fifth gun. You were just barely too slow to stop him, a bullet flying straight through your head.

"Bucky, right?"

The words escaped without a thought, restarting the few minutes you managed to stay alive. Your head pounded with the residual pain from the bullet, but you didn't have time to waste. You went through the fight again, this time dodging the fifth gun and kicking it out of his hand.

"Out of guns?" you quipped, more hopeful than joking. As if on cue, he pulled a knife from the side of his tactical suit. "Of course." You dodged his first strike, doing your best to avoid the blade. His attack was relentless, never letting up even as you grew more and more fatigued.

Eventually, the knife connected. The pain radiated through you, only growing when he twisted the knife. You couldn't hold in the scream that escaped you, the voices in your ear unable to help.

"Y/N, status?" Sam called, having just deactivated the second helicarrier.

You didn't have time to reply as the world once again faded to black.

"Bucky, right?"

It was more of a groan than anything this time around, your head still pounding and your side on fire. Still, you fought as hard as you could to prevent him from getting to Steve.

You made it past the guns, shivering at the sight of the all too familiar knife. It was easier to predict his moves this time, having grown more and more familiar with his fighting style with each iteration. Somehow, you managed to rid him of the knife, purely fighting hand to hand.

"Y/N, status?" Sam once again asked, his task complete.

"A little busy at the moment," you yelled, crouching at just the right moment to avoid a metal fist to the face. Your attempt to turn out of his grip was blocked, trapping you between him and a wall.

"Bucky, you don't have to do this," you nearly begged trying to figure out a way to just stay alive. There was no recognition in his eyes as he choked the life out of you, ignoring your desperate pleas for your life.

"Bucky, right?"

Your throat screamed at you as you coughed out the words, earning the slightest look of confusion from him before he once again aimed his gun.

It may have been your own exhaustion, but it almost felt as though he was fighting with more determination than before. It sort of seemed like he was feeling the deja vu you've grown so familiar with.

"Y/N, status?" Sam's voice in your ear drew you back to the present.

"A little busy at the moment," you yelled, crouching and spinning the opposite way from your previous fight. The escape worked, allowing you a few seconds reprieve. It was enough time for Sam to join you in the fight.

Unfortunately, the Winter Soldier seemed prepared for his arrival, using a seemingly specialized tool to rid Sam of his wings. It wasn't long before he had the two of you thrown across the air strip, giving him enough time to get away.

"Fuck," you winced. "He's coming for you Steve." You barely made it through the sentence before you were collapsing on the ground.

"On your left," Steve's voice garnered your attention. Looking to your left, you noticed Steve in a hospital bed next to you, Sam sitting in a chair between you.

"Look at that, you're both up." Sam smirked, although you could see the joy behind the expression.

"What happened to you?" Steve asked, his voice showing the concern his face was too beat up to express.

"Oh, you know. Got into it with a guy with a metal arm. Hard fight to win," you joked. You were still recovering from the trauma of dying three times in a row like that. Even with the Battle of New York you managed to spread them out more. "We gonna find him?"

Steve wasted no time in admitting the truth you and Sam were already expecting. "We're going to try."

And try you did, until you found him. It took months and months of research, tracking down leads that got you nowhere, and many late nights. There were even a few times you were certain he had been in the location, and you missed him by days, maybe even hours.

Still, after nearly a year and a half of searching, you found him. There are very few moments in your life that can compare to the joy on Steve Roger's face as you finally found his best friend.

Of course, Bucky fought you on it. It was nothing like the last time you fought, leaning more verbal than physical. Bucky didn't know how long he'd be free. All they need to do was say the words and he'd be forced back into that life. Running seemed easier.

"I might be able to help with that," you piped in. It was the first thing you said during the whole conversation, surprising the men. Bucky looked at you like he'd seen a ghost, but you brushed it off.

You went on to explain how during your research into the Winter Soldier, you got into contact with some new people. The same people who helped you track Bucky down, actually. "I may have anticipated this exact problem, and I know someone who could help you."

Eventually, you convinced them all to go with you to Wakanda. The world still thought of Wakanda as a third world country, but you knew better. Their resources and technology are unmatched. During the flight, you explained as much as you could about the country.

When you landed, T'Challa and Shuri were more than welcoming. Shuri even seemed excited about the idea of helping Bucky, glad to show off her skills to someone new. She had already started on an algorithm to remove the trigger words from his mind and restore his memory, but there would be some trial and error along the way.

"You sure, Buck?" Steve asked, knowing Bucky needed this, but still desperate to just have his friend back.

"I can't trust my own mind," Bucky lamented, confirming his decision.

"We'll be here for you when you're ready," Steve promised, hugging him before letting him go. Bucky merely nodded at you, still unsure about the lingering feeling he had that he knew you.

Several months later, you watched as Steve took a phone call, the look of joy on his rivaling the only other time you'd seen anyone so happy. You knew what it was about instantly. You were ready to fly back to Wakanda before he even hung up the call.

You thought it would be easy enough to befriend Bucky now that he would be joining the team, but things couldn't be further from the truth.

"Steve, please!" you begged, desperate for anything. "Just send me somewhere, I can't keep doing this."

"Y/N, you can't avoid your problems and hope they solve themselves," he reprimanded. Steve was just as hopeful as you were about you befriending Bucky.

"I'm not avoiding my problem!" you glared, muttering under your breath. "My problem is avoiding me."

Ever since Bucky joined the team, he has said all of two words to you. You'd only ever been on one mission with the man. Despite your many attempts to even just say hi, the two of you could barely be considered colleagues, let alone friends.

Just before Steve could respond, both of your phones chimed. Steve rolled his eyes at your excitement, but you both started off toward the quinjet after reading about the emergency mission. Upon arrival, you realized Sam, Clint, Wanda, and Bucky had also been called for the mission.

It's been a while since any single mission required this much man power, so your nerves were instantly on edge. Not to mention, the way Bucky steadfastly avoided any and all interactions with you certainly didn't help.

"What have we got?" Steve asked, turning to Fury.

"A nest of Brood have been discovered in Texas. Intel says they will continue to consume any and all resources they can find unless they're stopped." Fury glared as he spoke, nearly seeming uninterested.

"How do we stop them?" Steve questioned, eyes scanning the file folder for information.

"Find the queen," you answered, already having read through the file. "They're like bees, can't survive without a queen. Only, it's instantaneous." Fury's grim nod was enough confirmation for everyone to get moving. You all boarded the jet, going over the files to learn as much as possible about the newly discovered alien species.

"They enjoy the suffering they cause?" Clint questioned, his grimace quickly being mirrored by the rest of the team.

"This is so highly disturbing," you muttered, more so to yourself than anyone in particular. "Giant fucking bees, dead set on killing you." Still, everyone hummed in agreement.

Before long, Steve was laying out his plan. Sam and Clint will take the high ground, warning of any surprises. He and Wanda are going to cause a diversion while you and Bucky search for the queen, using a specially designed weapon to kill it. Taking out the queen will send the rest of the Brood into chaos, effectively shutting down the entire nest.

You glared at Steve when he paired you with Bucky, but it wasn't hard to understand his decision. Maybe working with Bucky will help the two of you get past whatever it is that's causing the awkwardness. Plus, with his stealth skills and your, albeit unknown, ability to not die, it made the most sense for the two of you to tackle that part of the mission.

"Status?" Steve asked through the comms, wanting everyone to check in now that the team had split up. Thermal satellite images showed the building that contained the most Brood, signalling where the center of your attack would take place

"The nest seems confined to this block for now," Sam checked in first having completed his initial aerial surveillance. "Clint's in position to the northwest."

"Copy," Steve muttered in between hits to the stragglers he and Wanda had come across.

"I think we found the eggs, but they don't look normal" you muttered. Even through the comms it was easy to hear the disgust in your voice. You and Bucky had made it a few floors up in the building. "There must be thousands in here."

"We seem to be collecting a crowd out here," Wanda chimed in. You could hear the faint sounds of her attacking the aliens as they came up to her.

"The queen must be near the eggs, keep us updated," Steve instructed, effectively cutting off the conversation for now.

You and Bucky traversed through the eggs, doing your best to avoid crushing any. You'd already made that mistake, and the smell was foul. As you scanned the room for any sign of where to find the queen, you couldn't help but let your mind wander. Eventually, the thoughts were too loud to keep inside.

"Why do you always avoid me?" you asked bluntly, eyes widening when you realized you said it out loud. Thankfully, you didn't have to look at his reaction, pretending to be too focused on searching the eggs.

"I don't avoid you," Bucky muttered unconvincingly. Despite your best interest, you turned to look at him, one eyebrow raised. He rolled his eyes, about to say something else when you noticed a door on the other side of the room. You could just barely make out movement through the small glass windowpane.

"There," you pointed. "There's... something in there." You and Bucky were instantly focused back on the mission, approaching the door in an eerie silence.

He looked in first, signalling for you to do the same. The room was filled with even more eggs, but you could spot a few full fledged aliens as well. It seemed they were all focused on something in the corner to the left of the door, just out of your view.

You moved to either side of the door, trying to come up with a plan. If you couldn't confirm the queen was in the room, it would blow the surprise you currently had. Steve and Wanda's distraction would only hold if you found the queen on your first shot.

It seemed you were at an impasse, needing to know what was in the room, but not able to check.

"I'll go in," you told him confidently, hoping he wouldn't question you. "You stay here." Apparently, you caught him off guard because you were two steps into the room before he started protesting.

The room was much larger than you anticipated, but the queen was definitely inside. She seemed to be fertilizing the eggs, whatever the Brood equivalent of male drone bees was helping her. Only, the fertilization process was nothing like that of bees. The eggs weren't eggs at all, but embryos.

Each embryo needed a host, some other living creature. All of the ones you’d passed in the hall were rotting because they didn’t have a host. There was a variety of animals throughout the room, all seemingly under control of the embryos that were infecting them. They all seemed to be in different stages of the reproduction process, morphing into Brood but still half resembling the creatures they were before. It was easily the most horrifying thing you'd ever seen.

You were quick to draw the attention of the Brood, but that's what you were expecting. You pushed Bucky back into the hall as they surrounded you, leaving him with no choice but to start beating down the door.

You fought them as they approached, but it was too many for you to handle. They were quick to overtake you, except they didn't kill you outright. No, they wanted to use you as a host for the parasitic reproduction process.

You screamed as they latched onto your limbs, holding you still for the queen to implant an embryo in your neck. You did everything in your power to escape their hold, thrashing and kicking more and more as you felt an agonizing pain in your neck. They simply fed on your fear, genuinely enjoying the activity just as the file said.

Just as the embryo was implanted, Bucky burst through the door. You were screaming, an absolute agony spreading through your body as you felt the foreign parasite start infecting you. It leached through your blood, only causing more and more pain as it spread. You could feel your control slipping away, but if this plan was going to work you needed to die.

You made eye contact with Bucky as the Brood switched focus. The distraction was all you needed to pull your gun and shoot yourself in the head, Bucky's panicked expression the last thing you saw.

"I don't avoid you." You once again heard Bucky mutter the words, but you could barely focus on him. You paid no attention to the confusion lingering in his voice this time around. You paid no attention to the way he looked at the door behind him and then back at you. You paid him no attention at all.

You could still feel the poison flowing through your veins, an unbearable fire burning through you as you tried to come down from your latest death. The pounding headache from the bullet felt like a paper cut compared to the lingering pain from the Brood.

"Y/N?" Bucky approached you slowly, concern etched in every feature on his face. His lips turned down in a frown, eyebrows furrowed, and eyes showcasing emotion so deep you could dive into them and never reach the bottom.

You desperately looked around the room, trying to find something to remind you that you were indeed alive. Your hands desperately scratched at your neck, feeling for any sign of the embryo being implanted. Your skittish movements slowed when you couldn't find the slightest of bumps, but your breathing was still labored.

Bucky made it to you, reaching out a hand to ground you in reality. Once your breathing slowed a bit, he gently helped you to your feet. With one hand rubbing soothing circles on your back, and the other holding your own to his chest, he helped you follow his own breathing pattern. In and out, in and out.

You couldn't say how long you stood together like that, but soon enough Steve was in your ear asking for another update.

"We found the queen," you supplied, voice strained ever so slightly. You expected Bucky to look confused, but he merely nodded in response.

"Starting phase two now," Bucky added when he realized you were done talking.

Once again, Steve asked for you to keep him posted, but you barely understood the words in your ear. Why was Bucky acting like he knew where the queen was? He shouldn't remember that...

"We'll go through this wall," he gestured further down the room. "I'll aim the sensor, when it locks you can shoot, okay?"

You barely managed a nod. Not wanting to screw up the mission, you followed Bucky's lead. It was easier to ignore the confusion anyway- to just pretend like his behavior made sense even if it seemed impossible. Because you knew the exact location of the queen, you could pinpoint which Brood to hit. Bucky aimed the target, counting you down to when it would lock.

"3... 2... 1, shoot!" Bucky yelled over the noise of the machine, startling you back into action. You pressed the button, a fairly simple task, and watched as the miniscule weapon fired through the wall and into the queen.

The sensor allowed you and Bucky to watch as the queen convulsed. The body spasmed as the weapon took effect, destroying the queen from the inside. Eventually, the movements stopped and everything was eerily quiet for a moment. You waited with bated breath, expecting something else to go wrong.

"I take it you got the queen?" Steve questioned, continuing when there was no immediate response. "Every Brood out here just collapsed."

"Yeah, we got the queen..." you muttered, still reeling from everything that just happened.

"We'll meet you back at the jet," Bucky once again picked up where you left off. Neither of you said anything as he lead you outside of the building and back toward the jet. You both boarded in silence, barely even glancing at everyone else as you sat down. Bucky sat on the opposite side of the jet, his eyes flickering over to you every few seconds.

"That was the nastiest thing I've ever seen," Sam groaned, shivering as if it would clear his mind of the memories of the Brood.

Wanda nodded, getting read to reply when she froze, eyes focusing on you. Sam followed her line of sight, quickly understanding what had her so concerned.

"You okay, Y/N? You look pretty freaked out," Sam asked, concerned over your blank stare.

"I-I, um..." you stuttered, twitching slightly. You were still recovering from the feeling of the queen implanting an embryo under your skin. "I'm fine."

Of course, nobody believed you. They could see the fear in your eyes, the pain lingering under the surface. Your stuttering only increased their concern. Even in the most dire of situations, you've never been anything but confident. It comes with the territory of knowing you won't die.

"I killed you," Bucky whispered, the words bursting out of him as realization dawned. His mouth hung open slightly, jaw slack with surprise. Steve had just come to sit with the group after setting the coordinates for autopilot, hearing Bucky but not understanding.

"What?" Steve looked at Bucky, confusion lacing his features. It seems Clint, Wanda, and Sam were too focused on you to hear Bucky's mumbled whisper, but Steve caught it. Bucky merely stared at you, his heart breaking as he came to actually understand the gravity of what he just saw.

Steve looked between you and Bucky, trying to figure out what happened. You both seemed frozen, a million emotions playing across your faces.

"I killed you," Bucky repeated, louder now that he understood what he was saying. Your eyes met his, and you could feel your heart breaking from the pain in his eyes. Immediately, you started shaking your head.

"No, Bucky. No. It wasn't you." Bucky jolted, surprised by the conviction in your voice when you could barely whisper a few minutes ago. The rest of the team looked between you, confused and distraught.

"I thought they were nightmares... I thought it was my own mind punishing me for wanting something good. But it really happened... I really killed you." Bucky's voice broke, emotion overflowing with each word. Tears pooled in his eyes, his jaw still slack with surprise. He was so focused on you, on the pain he must have caused you.

"Bucky, no. I'm fine!" You struggled to remove your seatbelt, hands shaking. You barely had the capacity to comprehend what his words meant, your heart only aching more with the thoughts. When you finally got free, you quickly moved to kneel in front of him. You held his face in your hands, your own tears pooling as you tried to explain. "You didn't hurt me."

"I did," he whispered, voice utterly broken. The rest of the team had retreated, still trying to follow the conversation, but too clueless to make any sense of it. "You can feel the pain. I don't know how, but you can feel the pain after you come back. I just saw it."

You desperately tried to wipe the few tears as they fell, shaking your head in disagreement. Your own tears blurred your vision, but you refused to let go of him.

"You felt everything I did to you,” he choked out. After months of convincing himself to work up the courage to even talk to you, Bucky was ready. After this mission, he was going to change things. He was going to be "stronger than the nightmares" in Steve's words. But now? Every time he looks at you, he hears you begging for your life while he chokes the last breath from your lungs.

"Bucky, I-” You were at a loss for words. Nobody else had ever figured out your power before. Even after you explained it to them, nobody else remembered. It wasn’t a conversation you ever saw yourself having. You had no idea how to help him. Eventually, you just started talking, desperately saying anything that could soothe him.

“This time was different. It's not normally so... traumatic. I'm not normally so afraid. The Brood- when I went in there, I thought they would kill me. I thought it was the only way, and then we would know where the queen was. I didn't think they'd... do that. That's why it hurt so bad this time. Whatever they did made it hurt. I swear, it fades away really quickly." You were gearing up to keep explaining when Bucky's voice drew you out of your own head.

"How many times?" he asked, his grief turning to worry.

"What?" you countered, not following his train of thought.

"How many times have you died?" His question hung in the air, everyone on the jet seemingly holding their breath.

"Bucky, I don't-" you shook your head, not seeing how that information could help.

"Please?" he pleaded, voice breaking. "How many times?"

"23," you whispered. Your hands fell from his face as you thought about each time you've died. You retreated into yourself, still kneeling on the floor. "The first time was when I was 16."

You had closed your eyes when you answered him, the feeling of sharing the one thing you'd never told anyone too overwhelming. You were surprised when Bucky reached out to help you up, not even realizing he had moved from his seat.

He looked into your eyes, searching for any sign of hesitation, before pulling you into a hug. He held you to him tightly, one hand across your back and the other buried in your hair. You clung to him just as tightly, drawing comfort but trying to provide it as well.

"It's not your fault," you whispered in an attempt to convince him. "You have to know it wasn't you." You felt him nod against you. You wanted to hear him say it, but a nod would suffice for now.

Suddenly, the jet was touching down at the compound. The slight jolt was enough for you and Bucky to separate. The rest of the team was still staring at you, nobody making a move to exit. You jumped when the hatch opened, Nat and Tony popping in with concerned expressions.

Nat looked between you and Bucky, one eyebrow lifted at your close proximity. Tony didn't seem to notice. He was too busy wondering why nobody had gotten off the jet yet.

"I heard the mission was successful. Why the long faces?" he joked, unaware of the tension. It didn't take him long to catch on.

It was as if his words shocked Bucky into motion. In the blink of an eye, he was out of the jet and in the elevator. You stared after him, mouth agape and eyes watering once again.

"Y/N?" Tony asked, concerned over your wellbeing. Suddenly, everyone was looking at you again. "What happened?"

You sputtered out a few syllables in response, unable to form anything coherent. Your mind was moving too fast for you to understand anything you were feeling. Random thoughts were running through your brain, eventually providing one that could answer Tony's question.

"I shot myself in the head."

Once again, the jet was silent. Nobody knew how to respond to a statement like that. Tony was especially confused, having missed the previous conversation.

"You what?" he balked, frantically looking you over for any wounds. "But... you're fine?"

"We needed to find the queen..." you whispered. Your fingers brushed over your neck as your entire body began shivering with the memories of the Brood. "The embryo..."

"Hey, why don't we go inside?" Steve asked, leading you off the jet without waiting for an answer. He finally overcame the confusion and shock of the previous conversation, recognizing the panic in your eyes.

"Bucky..." you mumbled, still reliving the story. "Bucky saved me."

He lead you to the med bay, facing no resistance from you. Everyone else followed behind, Sam, Clint, and Wanda filling in Nat and Tony. You didn't hear any of their conversation. The only thing you could hear was Bucky's voice when he realized it was all real. By the time you reached Bruce and Helen, you were catatonic.

"What happened?" Bruce asked, his concern revolving around the potential for an unknown alien illness. Once again, Sam, Clint, and Wanda explained the conversation from the jet. Bruce's worry shifted, his concern now revolving around the trauma and pain you've endured alone.

Eventually, your lack of physical injury lead to the team of doctors deciding to give you a sedative. You needed rest before anything else could be done. You didn't protest as you they laid you down in a hospital bed and started an IV.

Bucky was panicking. He couldn't get the look on your face as you died over and over again out of his head. He didn't detour as he left the jet, heading straight for the gym. Maybe it wasn't the best coping mechanism, but punching things is something he's good at. Every time he heard your screams, he pushed himself harder.

That is where Steve found him a couple hours later. He made it through four punching bags in that time, hanging a new one when Steve stopped him.

"You gonna spend the rest of your life in here?" Steve asked, trying to lighten the mood. Bucky glared at him, but set the punching bag aside nonetheless. Steve decided on the age old approach for helping Bucky. "Buck, it wasn't you."

"Easy for you to say. You don't have the image of her dying ingrained in your memory." Bucky replied, fingers twitching, itching for something to hit.

"How do you remember?" he asked, trying to circumvent the topic until Bucky was more willing to talk about it.

"Whatever Shuri did to fix my memory, it made it better. I remember everything. All four times." He could barely get the words out. "I- I thought it was a nightmare. I mean, it felt so real, but it didn't make any sense. How could I have killed her if she was standing right in front of me?" he scoffed. "Now I know."

"You wanna know what I said to her the day we met?" Steve questioned, trying to say anything that would get Bucky to stop blaming himself. Bucky merely raised an eyebrow in his direction. "It was the Battle of New York. She came to help, despite no real training. Said we weren't in the position of turning away volunteers. I told her not to die," he scoffed at himself. "Can't help but think she didn't listen. If I had known, I never would have let her-"

"You didn't know. It's not your fault she's just as self-sacrificing as you. She wouldn't want you to blame yourself," Bucky cut in, his fervent need to protect Steve kicking in. The lingering silence let him realize what his own words implied about himself when Steve grinned. "Punk."

"Jerk." Steve's grinned widened. "Don't let this set you back. You've been living with the nightmares for long enough. I know the reality of it all is hard to come to terms with, but you can't let it take over your life. Be grateful."

"For what?" Bucky balked, completely thrown off by Steve's new approach. He sounded more like Sam than himself.

"That she came back," he shrugged. Bucky stared into the distance, thinking over what Steve said. The conversation was not anything like he thought it would be.

"You been talking to Sam?" he finally asked, a small grin on his lips.

"Maybe," Steve smirked.

"He's pretty smart for a birdbrain," Bucky relented. "Where is she?"

Steve walked with Bucky back to the med bay, still trying to talk to him about everything on the way. He wasn't delusional enough to think one conversation would fix everything, but he was hopeful it was enough for Bucky to talk to you. Even just in the brief conversation on the jet, Steve could see the way you helped each other.

“Are you sure she’ll want to see me?” you heard Bucky's voice ask, your eyelids feeling heavy as you tried to look around.

"I'm sure." Steve replied. “The only coherent thing she said was your name and how you saved her.” The memories of your mission and the conversations that followed came hurtling back.

"I didn't save her,” Bucky protested. “I-”

"Yes, you did,” you spoke up, finding your voice after finally being able to open your eyes. You slowly sat up, taking a sip from the cup of water on the table next to you. Bucky stopped talking, merely staring at you. “You saved me when you broke down the door and distracted the aliens, but you also saved me after…”

Steve quietly slipped from the room as you and Bucky stared at each other, a million emotions floating between you. Bucky moved to stand by your bed, stopping just out of reach.

“Y/N , I didn’t-” he shook his head, still denying your claims

“Yes. You did. Bucky,” you took a deep breath, trying to steel your nerves as you thought about what happened. "I was losing control When you broke through the door… any later and I would've been gone... Still alive, but not really there. You saved me.”

"You shot yourself in the head,” he whispered. He was still reliving his own memories, watching you die, but also reliving the times he killed you.

"I had to," you whispered. “I had to die so we could start over, back in the hallway, away from them. When I came back, I panicked. I could... I could still feel it. Whatever they tried to do to me, I could still feel it. The poison burning through my veins.” you shivered. “The only reason I made it out of there is you.”

Silence settled over the room, Bucky seemingly at a loss for words following your speech. You stared at each other, both trying to find anything to say to break the silence. After a few minutes, Bucky dropped your gaze.

He ran a hand through his hair, a deep, fortifying breath rattling through his lungs. "But, I killed you.”

'"No, you didn't." Before even finishing the short sentence, you could tell he was gearing up to argue with you. “Am I still alive?" you glared.

"Technically, but-"

"Yes or no. Am I alive?” you asked again, cutting off whatever argument he was going to start. He hesitated, trying to find a way to get his point across. You merely raised an eyebrow while you waited.

"Yes,” he relented with another deep sigh.

"Then you didn't kill me. Death is final, not temporary.” You knew what his next argument would be before he opened his mouth. "Sure, maybe it hurt, but it's nothing worse than what happened to Nat or Sam or Steve. And, besides it wasn't you. You're not the Winter Soldier. Nothing you did under that persona was your choice. It's not who you are. I know you, James Bucky Barnes. You would never hurt me.”

"How do you know?” he whispered, feeling too many things to put any additional volume behind the words. "How can you be so sure?"

You reached for his hands, gently pulling him closer to you. You waited for him to meet your eye before answering. “Because you’re a good man, Bucky. It's that simple. I could give you a list of reasons a mile long, but it all boils down to you being a good man. You care about people. I mean, you didn't even hesitate when it came to joining the Avengers. You could've been done with this world. You could’ve healed and moved on, but the thought didn't even cross your mind."

You heaved a breath as you finished your speech. You were still looking into his eyes, growing more embarrassed by the minute as he stared back with his mouth agape.

"Um. Yeah, that's why I'm sure. You're a good man and you care about people. Even if you put off a grumpy facade," you mumbled, trying to break the silence. You dipped your eyes, getting ready to pull your hands away when he suddenly squeezed them. You're head snapped up, relief flooding you when you saw his smile.

"'You're incredible, doll,' he whispered, one hand moving to up to hold your cheek. "I'm not good with words, but even I could spend hours listing all the things there is to love about you. You are stronger than anyone I've ever met, going through this completely on your own. You have done so much to help all of us, and we didn't even have a clue as to what was actually happening.”

It was as if there was a magnet pulling you toward each other. You were so captivated by each other, the sounds of the rest of the team piling into the med bay couldn't stop you. Bucky pulled you into a mind blowing kiss, holding you close even after you needed to break apart for air.

"Friday said she was awake!" Tony practically yelled as he pushed through the door. Before he could even see you, he was asking questions. "You've died 23 times? And you never told any of us?” He finally turned the corner, the rest of the team hot on his heels. “Why didn’t - oh.”

Tony froze when he saw you and Bucky holding each other close. Your foreheads were pressed together, cheesy smiles spread across both your faces. The rest of the team froze behind him, everyone wearing matching smirks.

"Let's go Tony. You can quiz Y/N over dinner.” Steve sighed when the billionaire didn't move. "Let's go,” he said again, this time louder. Eventually, he decided to just drag Tony from the room, knowing his barrage of questions would start as soon as the surprise faded.

You giggled when you were once again alone in the room with Bucky, sporadically pressing feather light kisses to his lips. He reciprocated your actions, smiling wider than you've ever seen.

"You're going to be interrogated at dinner, doll.” Bucky smirked.

"Not if we go out to eat," you grinned back.

“Are you asking me out?” he asked, smiling somehow widening.

"Well, good men deserve to be asked out," you replied cheekily.

He looked at you lovingly, a blush spreading across his face. “If you say so.”

Taglist: @averyhotchner @jesuswasnotawhiteman @strawberryspence @andrwgxrfield @jswessie187 @ellobruv @alohastitch06266

Marvel: @leyannrae @livstilinski @oceaniamaddness @justreadingficsdontmindme @freyathehuntress

Notes: The trigger warning and warnings at the beginning are because technically the reader shoots herself, but she can't die so it's just to escape the situation not to actually die. I didn't want to not include the warnings, because I know it can be difficult to read about even in this scenario.

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