sexyscorpiosunsadtaurusmoon - Tumblr blog

[sexyscorpiosunsadtaurusmoon]

I am so stressed for this lockdown to end I think I’m going to have a large crisis about it

[sexyscorpiosunsadtaurusmoon]

My psychologist told me to go see a psychiatrist in March. After 7 months of actively ignoring this and not doing anything about it I finally sent my referral to a psychiatrist. I’m not sure if the psychiatrist will even accept my referral and if it does get accepted I probably won’t have an appointment for 80 years because wait lists are wild but big steps go me I’m going to go get ice cream.

[sexyscorpiosunsadtaurusmoon]

You know what was random my doctor was asking about my previous sexual history and how many people I’d slept with in the last 6-12 months as she was trying to find out about my infection and potential STD (side note - I really don’t know if she needed to know that much detail but idk?). I told her how many people I’d slept with but I said that 2 of them were women as I wasn’t sure if that makes a difference in transferring infections (I still don’t know and I would like to know). She then paused for maybe 5 seconds and looked weirdly uncomfortable and it was really strange to witness. Isn’t it meant to be 2021 or something why are doctors surprised at women having sex with other women???? The lack of queer representation is going to make me scream forever. She also assumed I’d only had sex with 1 partner in the last year which I don’t know why you’d assume such a thing when I never suggested that. Why some doctors still so conservative???? She wasn’t even old either she would’ve been around 40. Anyway more to come about hospital misogyny soon.

[sexyscorpiosunsadtaurusmoon]

You know what is the literal biggest crime to ever exist. That I decided almost 4 months ago to have sex with a cis man because I was bored and thought it would be fun to then 4 months later be diagnosed with an INFECTION that is causing intense pain that is caused from sex. Not an STI but an infection from having sex. I literally hate penetration so much why would I do that in the first place. I literally hate men why would I talk to them????? And then now I have an infection???? What the fuck????? Actually it could have been from sex another time maybe even with a female but still I hate everyone so much. Screams misogyny to me all of it. All of existence is misogyny. This is so morbid but sometimes I think that literally no one asked for me to be on this planet like not even my mum or my dad or myself because I just popped up one day so it’s like what is the reason for my existence???? No one asked for it????

[sexyscorpiosunsadtaurusmoon]

This may be controversial and while I acknowledge the discrimination that gay men experience I believe that particularly white gay men want to be oppressed so bad and they refuse to acknowledge their privilege.

Thank you.

[sexyscorpiosunsadtaurusmoon]

“The first is that I have always … connected sex with worthiness and thought my appeal to the opposite sex was a useful objective signifier that I am not as disgusting as I think I am. The second is that seeking validation from the very thing that makes me feel unworthy in the first place is a form of self harm. The third is that I am abjectly afraid of abandonment.”

Lucia Osborne-Crowley, ‘My Body Keeps Your Secrets’

[sexyscorpiosunsadtaurusmoon]

my mum pays more attention to my cats emotions than she does to my own emotions

[sexyscorpiosunsadtaurusmoon]

My therapist in my 16th session with her: ‘I can never read you on how you’re actually feeling’ bestie me too. Scorpio things xxx

[sexyscorpiosunsadtaurusmoon]

Father’s Day is a bit of an awkward day for me. It’s mixed between feelings of I guess you could call it sadness, as well as guilt, and my favourite one ‘just get over it’.

Sadness over the relationship that I don’t really have with my dad. Every year it rolls around it just reminds me that he isn’t really a father figure and that he doesn’t actually really care about me all that much. Then I see everyone celebrating with their dads and I think that’s really sweet, and then it brings me back into my own reflections on my situation. Also sadness for my grandpa who isn’t alive, and for my mum not even having a dad. My relationship with him as been funky for probably ever, but especially in the last 8 years or so. I don’t even know how to explain our dynamic but it’s pretty much a white male who became a dad at 22, who is a leo, who also is a narcissist and sits quite high on the manipulation and gaslighting scales. Oh and also probably quite emotionally abusive, not so much to me now though. Our relationship is also super weird because it is extremely distant, I am not overly fond of him, but he’s never done something so extreme for him to be completely out of my life. He still lingers around and has that sense of control, which leads me to feelings of guilt.

Everyone I tell, which is only really my bestie Gem and my mum about ever feeling guilty about my relationship with my dad, says it’s ridiculous and he’s a dick and so on. And I know. I know those things but the great narcissist he is still has some control over me. I feel guilty for feeling the way I do towards him and not making more of an effort with him. I feel guilty for being so extremely closed off and not allowing him in at all. And part of me feels sorry for him that he spends his Father’s Day alone. I mean this year and last year I was relieved to be in lockdown for Father’s Day so I didn’t have to pretend to enjoy his company and feel like I had to see him, but then I feel guilty for that too. And then I get annoyed because for some reason my dad has always gotten along better with my sister. He’s always been more controlling over me and he’s always had something to say, but with my sister he has always been more willing to give her money and to spend time with her. Like literally he sends her money and asks to see her but not me. And she soaks all of it up. And then when Father’s Day and his birthday comes around my mum has to pretty much force my sister to send him a text, which she is so opposed to because of how she feels he treats her. And like, she can feel however she wants to feel I guess, but it’s weird for me to be the one with the more damaged relationship with him and to be the one having such immense feelings of guilt, when she is the one with the better relationship and she couldn’t even care less. Probably comes down to quite a few things, a couple of them that I am the older sister and also maybe her autism plays apart in it as well.

And then some of me is like Rachel, get over it. I know that Father’s Day is a really hard day for a lot of people, sadly and unsurprisingly there are many people with damaged relationships with their dads. Plus also death of a parent and all the other factors that can make Father’s Day really hard. But I think that it’s important for me to once not gaslight my own feelings in how I feel about this, but also recognise that I’m definitely not the only one.

[sexyscorpiosunsadtaurusmoon]

Being Queer and Fab

Episode #3: dating experiences

So I haven’t had a lot of dating experiences with women given that I only properly actively sought dating women in the last 10 months or so, but so far I’ve learnt a lot about the different dynamics compared to when I’ve dated men previously. Also my language in this is very heteronormative and it makes me cringe but I am yet to have dating experiences with non binary people.

Talking to women on dating apps is either complete surface level conversations that don’t go past a ‘you’re so pretty!!!!!’ message, or detailed conversations about various topics until someone stops replying, or if the conversation progresses into a date. Talking to women on dating apps allowed me to strip my profile from anything that was catering to the male gaze. I replaced prompts about parallel parking to prompts about feminism and virginity being a social construct. I replaced photos of my besties dogs to photos of my cats. I hardly even realised that my profile was catering for men’s approval, but I think it’s just so engrained in us to alter how we appear to please men. I used to be so embarrassed to talk to men about how I have cats or how I’m super into astrology, but now I have had so many conversations about cats and astrology and the patriarchy with women. I tried to impress men by overemphasising how fun I am and how chill I am and I hid all my intelligence around feminism and women’s issues. With women I still feel like I am trying to impress them, but I am trying to prove how intelligent and knowledgable I am, which is completely opposite to what I was doing with men.

I’ve only been on ‘dates’ with two women, although it seems like it’s been more, but it hasn’t because I’m severely depressed and can hardly hold a conversation and also probably because we’re in a pandemic. In the first date with woman #1, about an hour in we were talking about our sexual assault experiences, our shitty relationships with our dads, and everything surrounding the patriarchy and astrology. Never in my life would I imagine going on a date with a man, and within an hour of meeting him talk about my sexual assault experiences and my shitty dad, also given that I never even talked about those things with guys I thought I was super into. Date number 2 roles around with woman #1 and I was so overwhelmed by the different dynamics in dating women compared to dating men. With dating men I think there’s the expectation from I don’t even know where, just another thing that’s been engrained in us, that men take the lead and initiate conversations and dates and just where the relationship ends up overall. But with women those power imbalances are removed. There are no expectations. This left me feeling really confused and out of whack because it wasn’t what I was used to, but now I can say it’s so much better than the alternative. After months of on and off talking and on and off dates she ghosted me and I’m forever salty about it. But still I believe the problem always comes back to men because her attachment and communication issues come from her relationship with her narcissistic dad. And that’s not an excuse for how she treated me and therapy exists for a reason but why is it that we are always seeking therapy because of our experiences with men.

Date with woman #2 was the typical picnic in the park, eating vegan food and drinking rosé kind of thing. And it was similar to my previous dates in the types of conversations we had and the immediate sense of comfortability we had with each other to openly talk about things I typically wouldn’t talk about with men. A common theme I see with dating women and talking to women online is that mental health is brought up so much more than I have experienced with men. Which is really great and also very important and I wish that the patriarchy didn’t teach men not to talk about mental health and emotions. But I also think it comes down to women communicating our shared experiences that a lot of men can’t really relate to. Anyway the date with this person was cute and it was enjoyable, but she did a little trauma dump on me and I kind of felt like their therapist and I was overwhelmed with how much they shared with me. While I love that with women we are more communicative of our experiences and are comfortable sharing things with one another, but this time it was a little much. Anyway she kind of lowkey ghosted me as well but I wasn’t really that phased by it.

That’s all I have for now but I’m sure I’ll be back with more at a later date.

[sexyscorpiosunsadtaurusmoon]

Being Queer and Fab

Episode #2: Straight women romanticising being queer

I uploaded this and then deleted it coz I had a crisis but I’ll post it again and will maybe have another crisis later.

So I’m writing this while like almost crying and I don’t even know why but it’s a spontaneous random word vomit post. Again I still really don’t know how to articulate my thoughts so bare with me. About a month ago I was thinking about how sometimes straight women idealise or romanticise (often sexual) relationships with women with little intention of being in one. And they usually say this because of their experiences with men. And when I say little intention I mean ‘Ew I can’t imagine myself having sex with girls but I want to see if maybe I’m a lesbian’.

It’s so hard because I really don’t want to invalidate anyone’s feelings or experiences in their realisations that they may be into girls, but I’m also super psychic and intuitive and a lot of the time I am able to gauge peoples intentions. That’s also not an excuse to invalidate anyone’s feelings but that’s why I’m posting this into a void.

But I’ve heard way too many women say they want to be with a girl because it would be more fun or it would be easier or it would just be so much better than men. We know from episode 1 that while it has its benefits it’s not a super straight forward fun time. Sometimes when I tell people I’m queer women say they wish they were attracted to girls but they just don’t want to have sex with them. Or that they are attracted to women but can’t imagine themselves having sex with them. Like okay? Thanks for telling me? If I was a lesbian and someone told me they were straight my first reaction wouldn’t be ‘oh I wish I was attracted to men but I just don’t want to have sex with them’.

Anyway. Saw some tik toks today that got inside my brain about this so much which was really validating and fab. Could argue that so far my queer experience isn’t panning out to be the stereotype of happy fun unicorn times but it adds to the thoughts and character building and awareness I guess. Lol I’ve had enough character building thx. Peace out <3

[sexyscorpiosunsadtaurusmoon]

By Brooke Werleman

[sexyscorpiosunsadtaurusmoon]

I’m on my eighth day of my period

[sexyscorpiosunsadtaurusmoon]

I miss the feeling from when I consumed ketamine while on my bathroom floor alone and naked after a very minor inconvenience

[sexyscorpiosunsadtaurusmoon]

Being Queer and Fab

Episode #1: being queer is actually HARD!!!

Hello and welcome to a new series called Being Queer and Fab, where I discuss all things related to being queer and fab. I have a lot of thoughts on this that I don’t really know how to best articulate, so I will seperate them into little (or big, lol) episodes.

When I was in grade 6 there was a rumour going around in my year level that I was a lesbian. I probably should’ve just listened to them then and there. However, throughout my adolescence I questioned my sexuality here and there, but always pushed it to the side due to my internalised homophobia and that dating a man would just be easier. I then sprung myself into late adolescence with a desperate need for male validation, lowkey possibly hyper sexual due to my issues with men, and I just didn't really think that I could be into women when I was so into men. Biphobia check!!!! Here I am now, almost 21 and I can never imagine myself dating a man again.

Now dating women isn't such easy work. It isn't that you fall in love with your best friend you've been friends with for 6 years, and it isn't that you lock eyes with a random lesbian and then start dating the next day. It isn't picnics and brunch and craft making everyday. I will get into my dating experiences with women another time, which will inevitably explain this further, but today I just really realised how romanticised queer relationships are. I feel like I am questioning everyday whether my experiences are valid or that if I am doing something wrong in the dating women scene, but I think the reality is that a lot of the time all we see of queer relationships is either the complexities relationships experience when coming out to their families, or picture perfect cute little relationships and not a whole lot in between. And both just aren't relatable to me. However with heterosexual relationships, there are still gaps of course, but we are shown much more variety in the types of relationships and how men and woman typically interact with one another. 

I experience imposter syndrome regularly in the queer community. Always feeling like I'm not queer enough to be in queer spaces or talk about things. Once before going on a date with a woman I had a crisis about what I was going to wear because I thought I looked ‘too straight’, even though I was about to go on a date with a woman????. I’m constantly worrying about how people perceive me and my queerness, as I feel like society has prescribed what a lesbian looks like, and what a gay man looks like, and I just don't really fit into those categories.

I just want to see more. I want to stop feeling inferior because I don't have a cute little relationship with a woman. I want to feel like I can talk about my queer experiences without invalidating myself. I just want some more representation and to actually see queer relationships in the media and movies - THAT ISN’T CLICHE QUEER ROMANCE. Anyway I don’t really even know what I just said and I'm bored now see you next time

[sexyscorpiosunsadtaurusmoon]

Make Womens Safety Central to Every Policy; Not A Scope To Consider by Brooke Werleman (2021)

[sexyscorpiosunsadtaurusmoon]

Bipolar Diaires

Welcome to the diaries of someone with informally diagnosed bipolar 2.

Hyper manic me thought it’d be a good idea to stop taking my anti depressants and change my therapy appointment to a week later. Depressed me now realises it wasn’t a good idea.

More to come at a later date depending on how much I feel like sharing