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The Marriage Toolkit Unit 5: Committing

Future Spouse Characteristics:

Must have:

Testimony

Respects women

Hard worker

Temple recommend holder, wants temple marriage

Male

Values family and wants to be a good father

Would like to have:

Financially responsible/frugal

Career-oriented, ambitious

Tall

Physically healthy

Emotionally healthy

Good with kids

Handsome

Can’t handle:

Excessively lazy

Verbally abusive

Physically abusive

Unkind to service workers and other “inferior” people

Overly arrogant

No personal relationship with God

Poor empathy

Things I want to remember from class:

Don’t spend money when you’re hungry, angry, lonely or tired

Jeff talking about Tammy: “she just oozes passion… and I’m not talking about sex- well, I’m talking about sex too, but…”

Don’t be “married ‘til debt do us part”

When do you start talking about finances? When you think seriously about marriage but before you get engaged

Don’t hide spending

Have mad money- a previously agreed upon amount that each spouse is allowed to spend each month that doesn’t have to be approved by their spouse as long as it’s legal and moral

Get a pre-marital exam

Keep having sex after you’re done having kids

Discuss wedding night expectations one week before

Be mentally present in the bedroom

Have sex as slow as possible

Remember the Great Salt Lake: Gentle, Slow, and Lubricated

Don’t worry about whether or not your sex is “normal”

Take your sense of humor with you to bed, but don’t laugh at each other

Silence is not golden

If an issue comes up, go get help and advice together

“The more sex you have, the more sex you will have”

Clitoris: sexual pleasure

Most women need to stimulate the clitoris to orgasm, but it’s very sensitive

Personal concerns:

Before this unit, I was worried about how I will know if our sex is fulfilling to my spouse in marriage. However, Tammy’s emphasis on “silence is not golden in the bedroom” helped me learn how to prepare to deal with this situation in the future. It’s important to discuss expectations and preferences with your spouse in order to have an enriching intimacy experience.

Another concern I had surrounded money. I have always wondered how each spouse can make sure that they agree on their finances. However, I worried about feeling constrained by the necessity of financial transparency. Jeff’s concept of “mad money”- a previously agreed upon amount of money that can be spent at your discretion without your spouse’s input as long as it is moral and legal- seems absolutely brilliant to me. I think it’s genius to have a certain amount (especially taken from the bank in cash) that you agree not to talk about. This seems like a great way of allowing yourself some financial privacy while still acting in unity.

Other resources:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200407/when-your-partner-lives-different-rules

This article discusses how to broach sensitive financial topics with your spouse, and reach a consensus despite different expectations. It seems useful, although I would hope that my spouse and I have many conversations like this before we even say our vows.

http://eom.byu.edu/index.php/Sexuality

This article from the Encyclopedia of Mormonism put out by BYU discusses the teachings of general authorities surrounding intimacy and sexuality. It notes that our doctrine views sexuality not as a “need, or a deprivation that must be satisfied, but as a desire that should be fulfilled only within marriage, with sensitive attention given to the well-being of one's heterosexual marriage partner.” This fits with the discussions we’ve had in class about preventing yourself from becoming aroused before marriage and fully embracing it in the bonds of wedlock. This article is a helpful, doctrinally fitting collection of the teachings about a sometimes taboo subject that no one feels qualified to discuss (except Tammy).

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The Marriage Toolkit Unit 4: Finding

Single, Uncommitted Marital Action Plan

1 Go to all ward activities to improve social skills and meet more potential dates

2 Practice using physical touch

3 Improve flirting skills

4 Study the scriptures

5 Pray for opportunities to meet people

6 While on dates, try to learn more about them on a deeper level

7 Volunteer regularly

8 Attend church weekly

9 Take interesting classes

10 Plan on hanging out with a mixed-gender group each weekend, even if I’m not asked on dates

11 Plan and ask a guy on one date every month

12 Practice giving my number to guys I’m interested in

Notes from class:

There is no soulmate and it’s a harmful perspective to have- there are multiple people you could be happy with

Don’t marry someone you don’t love, but recognize that it takes effort to stay in love

If you decide the first ice cream flavor you try is your favorite flavor you’ll never know if it really is, but do you have to taste all 31 flavors? (this was a confusing metaphor)

You will have certain issues you will never agree on

In dating it’s more important to be honest than kind

Red flags: when personal preferences > foundation principles

The Line: between affectionate kissing and passionate kissing- when you are aroused

“When you feel yourself start to get aroused, go play tennis” - Tammy

Most people who use pornography aren’t addicts and the addict label is harmful

Erotic books count as pornography

Most pornography users use it to manage stress

If you spend a lot on your wedding, you’re more likely to get divorced- for heaven’s sake, don’t go into crushing debt for your wedding

Personal concerns:

One huge concern that I had going into this unit related to the level of similarity that must be present for a marriage to succeed. Personally, I don’t know what discrepancies in attitude I could tolerate and what is inexcusable. For example, should I be open to dating and marrying a guy who didn’t serve a mission? What about a guy who is really lazy and sloppy? I liked the Criteria of Compatibility principle that Tammy provided. She gave three tiers of importance. The first tier is the Foundation.This tier includes traits that are non-negotiable. The second is Complementary Characteristics. The traits in this tier are not absolute requirements, but should be taken very seriously. The third tier, Personal Preferences, includes thing that one shouldn’t break up over. During lecture and afterwards, I pondered which traits belonged in each tier personally, and was inspired to make a list of the “flaws” that I could handle in my future husband instead of the typical list of attributes you hope your future husband has.

Additionally, I was concerned about how to deal with discussing pornography while in a relationship that is headed towards marriage. Tammy broached this topic sensitively and accurately. She talked about the importance of not asking for gratuitous detail about your partner’s past to maintain a position of equal partnership. She also emphasized the importance of bringing your own best self to the marriage before you agonize over your spouse’s standing with God.

Other resources:

https://www.deseretnews.com/article/865649944/Elder-Holland-speaks-at-the-Utah-Coalition-Against-Pornography-conference-The-Plague-of.html

This press release summarizes the comments Elder Holland gave at the Utah Coalition Against Pornography conference. It mentions the importance of legislation that makes it more difficult for very young children to access pornography. It also emphasizes the “FAST” mnemonic for overcoming problems with pornography: “Flee the scene of the crime, Ask for help, Strive to win the battle, Triumph by believing that victory is possible.” This is a useful mnemonic to be familiar with. I believe that if I’m ever in a relationship with someone who struggles with pornography, I can be a huge help in the last two parts, striving to win and believing victory is possible.

https://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2014/02/the-first-lesson-of-marriage-101-there-are-no-soul-mates/283712/

This article studies a course at Northwestern University, Marriage 101. It was fun to read because the article paints the class as revolutionary and ground-breaking when it seems very similar to the traditional marriage prep classes that are available at BYU. It emphasized the point that Tammy made so many times during the “finding” lectures: there are no soulmates. It talks a lot about how it takes work to create a lasting marriage.

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The Marriage Toolkit Unit 3: Becoming

Application Activity: Have a heart-to-heart about a fear you have with someone you trust

I had a deep conversation with my mom about my fears regarding school. I am a freshman and enrolled in school under the pressure of keeping a high enough GPA to maintain my scholarship. I am pursuing a chemical engineering degree, and hope to do it in my career. I really enjoy my chemical engineering classes. However, I fear that the tough engineering classes will cause me to lose my scholarship. I also fear that I’m not good enough to do engineering. Initially, the fear was just that I wasn’t smart enough. Now, I have realized that it’s not just a matter of being smart enough, but also of having the drive, organization, and motivation to do well in school. That’s my most vulnerable fear related to my future right now- that I don’t have the work ethic that I’ll need to grind through my classes. I discussed this with my mom and received the advice to not back down on my dreams because of concerns that I can’t maintain my scholarship. I realized that a 3.6 isn’t that difficult to maintain, given the grade inflation at BYU, if I work hard, but that I would simply have to work more hours during the school year to cover the costs of my tuition if I lost my scholarship. And I also realized that the capacity to work hard is definitely a talent, but it’s one I can work on developing. My mom helped me recognize my own potential, constraints, and needs.

Class notes:

2 ways to work through fear: spiritual and physiological:

Spiritual: reflect on times you felt like God was working a miracle in your life

Physiological: Deep breathing, lavender oil, cold drink

60% of emerging adults have a diagnosable disorder

Most common disorders: alcohol dependence, anxiety, depression, ADHD, bipolar, eating disorder, etc.

All humans are terrified of being abandoned

Your ability to explore independently comes from secure knowledge that you have someone to count on

Don’t enter a relationship that doesn’t feel good, but recognize when you’re being controlled by your fear

How to end a relationship: don’t ghost but have a conversation with them and don’t lead them on

Your marriage quality can be predicted by how much you agree with this statement: “I want my marriage to be like my parents’ marriage”

Your family of origin will always have negative aspects that you will want to change

If you get a flat tire during your journey, you’re not back to square 1

Mature love is a triangle of heart, head, and hands

Personal concerns:

I’m concerned about recognizing when I allow my fear to become so dominant that I don’t act with faith. In class, Tammy talked about how it’s important to be willing to take a few steps into the darkness with the expectation that God won’t let you go too far down the wrong path. I think this is beautiful. I also recognize that sometimes, it might feel like God let us go too far in the wrong direction before we are prompted to change something. However, these experiences often teach us much more than we would have learned from making the right decisions all along.

I was also concerned about figuring out how to stay connected to my spouse in a marriage relationship when other temporal concerns and distractions come up, such as financial stress and busy jobs. Tammy taught the “Art of Checking In” to combat this. With this principle, you connect with your spouse and inquire about their well-being in the physical, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and sexual components of their lives. This seems like a great tool to maintain emotional closeness with your partner.

Other resources:

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2015/10/faith-is-not-by-chance-but-by-choice?lang=eng

This talk discusses the importance of making ourselves accountable for our gospel growth. It says, “Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is not something ethereal, floating loosely in the air. Faith does not fall upon us by chance or stay with us by birthright.” This is comforting because it means that faith is a tool I can use and develop.

https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/10/09/how-essential-oils-became-the-cure-for-our-age-of-anxiety

This article provides a non-Mormon window into the prevalent culture of essential oils, doTerra specifically, that has been so successful in Utah. The author, an East Coaster, explores the various myths and truths surrounding the products. Many people will testify their uses to combat anxiety and a variety of physical issues. Monroe provides a skeptical viewpoint, but still may be a helpful resource for people who are trying to find out whether or not they should try using essential oils to help with their anxiety.

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The Marriage Toolkit Unit 2: Foundation Principles

5 Days of Service Challenge:

Friday, Day 1- Serve my roommates by doing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen

Saturday, Day 2- Write a nice note to my RA to thank her for her help with everything

Sunday, Day 3- Pay a random stranger a compliment

Monday, Day 4- Donate blood to the Red Cross

Tuesday, Day 5- Donate $5 to my home ward missionary fund

Things I want to remember from class:

We are trying to become like the Father in body, spirit, and family

Mature love inspires both people to be better

Marriage is the most holy and sacred ordinance (Kimball)

You have to leave in order to cleave

Become financially independent as soon as possible- start paying for your cell phone bill if you aren’t already

Equality, not hierarchy

Fathers preside but don’t have the “final say.” They lead family worship, provide necessities of life and education, institute temporal and spiritual safeguards such as financial savings and priesthood blessings

Motherhood is fulfilling to women

“LDS women should be the best homemakers in the world”

When discussing sensitive sexual topics with children, strive to only say things that are true, honest, and accurate and treat those conversations with reverence

Sexuality is of God and a “wholesome recreational activity”

While single, manage erotic energy with sublimation- acknowledge erotic feelings, then find a wholesome distraction

The very first emotion that Adam and Eve felt after the Fall was fear. Don’t be afraid of your body.

Personal concerns: I want to become better at nurturing to prepare for my role as a mother. Homemaking is a superficial aspect of motherhood, but a critically important one. I should learn to be meticulously organized with cleaning and learn how to cook cheap, healthful meals. I also want to focus on being a better listener and develop patience. The art of homemaking is the Julie B. Beck principle, as we discussed in class.

I also want to learn how to become more financially independent. Unfortunately, I’m almost entirely reliant on my parents for money at this point. My plan for financial independence is to begin practicing frugal living. I want to work on spending less money on clothes and movie tickets. I also want to practice carefully budgeting to become more aware of my spending habits. This principle is called financial independence.

Other resources:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/acquired-spontaneity/201312/sex-vulnerability-and-power

This article discusses the historical role of celibacy as a path to escape vulnerability. It also discusses the importance of communicating with one’s lover instead of the culture of silence that surrounds sexuality.

http://blog.oregonlive.com/themombeat/2010/12/tips_for_breaking_the_pacifier.html

This article focuses on healthy attachment and nurturing practices for mothers. It suggests allowing children to have an object for comfort while transitioning from pacifier to no pacifier. Mothers should be keenly aware of their child’s sense of security and comfort. It’s important to foster exploration while providing an environment that feels safe.

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The Marriage Toolkit Unit 1: Philosophy and Application

Initially, I wasn’t sold on the whole “marriage” thing. I wanted to get married so that I could be a parent, but I didn’t think it would improve my personal happiness or well-being. Now, I understand more why marriage is so important. Marriage does have well-documented benefits. It’s also a deeply personally fulfilling sacrifice.

Things I want to remember from class:

I want to have learning goals instead of performance goals so that I can be intrinsically motivated

Regular exercise helps school performance

You must thrive alone in body, mind, and spirit before you can thrive in a relationship

Just like we have daily physical needs (food, sleep, exercise) we also have daily spiritual and emotional needs that we must work to satisfy

“We don’t fall in love, we grow in love”

The world is wearing “sunglasses” when it comes to marriage- they have a dark view of something bright and beautiful

Personal concerns:

I suffer from some of the fears and threats to marriage (individualism, desire to travel, etc.) that we discussed in class. I am trying to combat the mindset that you need to experience the world before marriage. Personally, I really love college and the feeling of having a low amount of responsibility. However, as Tammy pointed out in class, I won’t have to give up my freedom completely when I get married. We can travel together. I will have to be more responsible, but I can come to accept that. Tammy taught about the “transition of gain.” I will try to re-shape my paradigm on marriage to focus on the benefits instead of what I am giving up.

Another personal concern that I have is thriving alone before moving into a relationship. I need to work on doing self-care, such as getting enough water and sleep. In order to move forward with this, I will set daily goals and include it in my planner with school work.

Other resources:

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2012/02/the-marriage-problem-why-many-are-choosing-cohabitation-instead/252505/

This article discusses the benefits unique to marriage that can’t be obtained through cohabitation and analyzes the fear of risk that is prevalent in our society. It advises readers to figure out how to overcome their reservations and take a risk anyways.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201302/17-ways-take-better-care-yourself

This article discusses how to be more active in fostering your own well-being. Some of the suggestions I most liked were practicing yoga, finding one thing you can do during the day to be useful (even if you’re not in a good mood), and cooking a healthy, delicious meal.