sgnshin

[sgnshin]

sgnlily‌:

[ text → shin ] you’re too kind ~ [ text → shin ] so this means you’re really coming with me??? [ text → shin ] you aren’t lying right? i’m at my dorm rn [ text → shin ] the sale hasn’t started yet but i figured to get their early so i can look through everything. maybe we can find something for you as well! [ text → shin ] i think you should come and pick me up

lily 💕💖(ignore) → yes, really lily 💕💖(ignore) → i don’t have the mental stability to lie ✌️ lily 💕💖(ignore) → alright see you in 10 to 15 mins

          immediately upon sending the message, a sigh leaves from between downturned lips, almost having regretted his decision. a homebody made to venture into the real world, one that consisted of bright colours and things of the sort to try on. he was already overwhelmed by the array of selections and the time spent waiting. today, he was chauffeur on demand, although he could have easily turned her down, the constant ignoring and avoiding has gotten old, even to him. he feels as though she has gotten used to it, and it now making a mockery out of his attempts to u-turn upon seeing her. ultimately, he knows that his games would have to come to an end eventually. his therapist tells him to tackle his fears, confront and comfort and only from there can solace be found. arriving at her dorm, he reaches for his phone again.

lily 💕💖(ignore) → i’m here lily 💕💖(ignore) → the black car

          a description not needed, she has seen his array of cars  before, many of which adorned the excess of the need to fill in a special void, one that he has attempted to shovel close only to realise that nothing could fill it. his mercedes parked outside, awaiting her.

lily 💕💖(ignore) → do you think it’ll rain? lily 💕💖(ignore) → it looks cloudy lily 💕💖(ignore) → bring an umbrella maybe?

[sgnshin]

aitosgn‌:

having the older male walk past him wasn’t something that should have been surprising, but it hurt. again, he felt stupid for hoping that maybe- maybe- shin would talk to him. he didn’t even have to like him anymore, or even want to be friends. just having him look at him would have been enough. he bit his lower lip, almost harshly, his eyes prickling with tears- he told himself not to shed. he took a deep breath and steeled himself to walk away as well, and promptly forget about this day- the male in front of him, and maybe throw away the necklace hanging snug around his neck- and was pleasantly surprised to see him turn back and make his way to him.

he exhaled softly, and looked up at shin with wet eyes, he’d always be the boy who looked up at him like he hung the stars and the moon. he couldn’t help it. maybe it would always be that way. he offered a tentative smile at the words offered, and took a step forward, his voice soft, “school books.”

          avoiding and cutting people out of his life, was a past time activity that though he denies it, was an activity he willingly did with an open heart. he had no regrets amidst his decisions though as pained as they may appear to be, his decision was final. upon going into rehab, his thoughts about himself began to change, they morphed into something that not even he could control, he had become something he did not want to be, he had become this thing... this thing that scared even him, he had become a fake, a persona of himself that he had seen with dark eyes. a haze that would cover the facade and the fear that peeled across his sleep deprived reverie, one that blocked out all sanity from his system, as he only finds himself a shell of former self. a thought, that scares him, that sends shivers down his own spine and one that frightened him as he would lay awake at night, staring at the ceiling that soon after would collapse on his sleeping corpse. 

         he snaps out of it, as the other speaks. school books. that was it? after everything, that was all the other could muster up? and in this moment, was when he realises that perhaps having stopped and said something, in his shameless attempts to rebuild their relationship, that he had miscalculated. his gaze shifting from the bookshelf on his left to meet with the other’s, but then why, why did his expression say otherwise. he saw the glint of sadness, was it sadness? or perhaps a joy that slithered into his system as the other spoke again. “get anything you need, i’ll pay for them.” he offers a half hearted smile, one that was too fake for him to even acknowledge as genuine. how disappointed his dad would have been with him, to know that his own son is failing the wishes of someone who had not only cared for him with crafted hands but with the gentleness of his mother’s warmth. how such a household, had raised an insane monstrosity as himself. a shell of his former self, one that was coated by a matte obsidian glaze. 

          his right arm, littered by sharpie writing, with his schedule etched across his entire forearm, raises to rake through his blonde strands as a sigh moves past his lips. “how’ve you been?” his arm lowers, tucking back into the pocket of his jumper, small talk never something he was good at, but hopefully their conversation would begin to flow as it would have years prior. 

[sgnshin]

[sgnshin]

sgnbarbie‌:

STARTER FOR @sgnshin

barbie walks a path that’s growing more and more familiar to her, the more she has to spend time looking for shin because he won’t respond to her calls or messages. it’s a nice walk from the humanities building to the law building. the beginning of winter means the trees are bare and looking a little pitiful, but the transience of nature is beautiful in its own way. it reminds her of snowy christmases back in the states, hot cocoa, and opening presents. the crispness of the air is refreshingly sharp and the chatter of students provides a soothing backdrop. 

chasing after shin feels more nostalgic than she thought it would. in the years that they spent apart, barbie had allowed the thoughts and memories of shin fade to the back of her mind. there were always more important things to be dealing with and thinking about, so many other achievements to chase and others who didn’t treat her like he did. it’s not the first time she’s come looking for him since her enrolment into the school, but she’d never really paused to consider the space that’s grown between them until now.

‘barbie, your brother’s just being a little stubborn. we just need you to go talk to him, alright? bring him home for seollal,’ mummy had said, but barbie’s starting to think there’s a lot more to whatever is going on between shin and their parents. she’s outside the classroom she knows he’s supposed to be having classes in (teaching?) before long and she waits for the students to start streaming out before she slips in.

“oppa! you’re free now, aren’t you? go to lunch with me,” she finds his unfamiliar silhouette amidst the crowd of students and she flashes him her best smile, the one that won her prom queen.

          actively ignoring his sister was perhaps one of the most enjoyable things to do in his spare time. rejecting all her calls, as he presses the glowing red button beneath her name, bringing him great joy to know that the battle between him and his family was an ongoing one. he wasn’t sure where the satisfaction stemmed from, although a part of him unaware that the joy of him ignoring her was unhealthy, it was a decision that came almost instinctively since going into graduate school. he remembers treating her not the best of ways, he took it upon himself to tell her that not everyone would adore her the way their parents do at home, that life would be unfair and that she should prepare for it. his words, too harsh for someone that he would deem as a blood relative. and even with the growing distance that gradually overtook their relationship, he didn’t find a lose in it, though his mother thinks otherwise.

          as he hears her voice, an immediate sigh leaving from downturned lips, his hues almost rolling instinctively as his gaze lands on her. “don’t you have your own friends?” he stacks up his textbooks, as he places them in the nook of his elbow, tucking away his singular pen into his front pocket, as he grabs onto his water bottle by the table, turning back to her, “and... don’t smile at me, it’s scary.” he imitates her own smile, though exaggerated as his features crinkle up into an unpleasant frown, “see? that’s scary.” 

          he moves towards the exit, stopping ever so often to kick in the chairs back behind the seats, as both hands were occupied. “anyway, how’s mum and dad?” not that he cared, but he supposes knowing how his parents were doing was a good precautionary thing to be aware of, in the case that something serious would have ravaged their systems... like... oldness and death.

don’t need your love

[sgnshin]

sgnlily‌:

TAKING NOTES FOR @sgnshin

it had been a few months after the incident – or so she would call it. having the whole breakdown, it dawns on her every now and then. she even wonders what possessed her to even spill everything she was hiding towards the older male. everything was now said and done, but now shin was back to avoiding her. it… wasn’t surprising. she kind of figured he would do so. after having seen him in that kind of light lily could understand why the other decided to go back into hiding.

that didn’t mean she was going to continue to let him hide in the depths of his apartment. 

with that, she decided to pay the older male a visit. by visit, she would actually take the other out to get some fresh air – even if the older didn’t want too. he couldn’t stay confind or whatever he was doing in that apartment forever. even if he didn’t want her to help him she would anyways because that was just the kind of person lily was. also, she really cared for the older male more than she realized. 

was she foolish for even wanting to text the other at the moment, maybe. she did it anyways as she reached for her phone to open the messaging app. her thumb moving across the screen as she finds shin’s name in her contacts but not moving no further than that for a moments time. its only a minute or two that she finally decides to type the message out. 

[ text → shin ] hey… how long are you going to avoid me?

she sends the message out to the other with a small sigh as she gets up to get ready. she didn’t expect a reply back because she had tried texting him other times after the last time she went to his apartment and gotten no response back. it was now this time she was going to go to him. he wasn’t going to ignore her anymore even if he found her annoying along the way. 

          since the incident, everything had gotten worse. he couldn’t bring himself to even be in the same vicinity as her, eye contact no longer in the list of things he could do. falling far from the tree of hopelessness as he dwells farther off into the distance, where he deemed it to be safe from her presence. all of this was the result of him having drank a little too much, and spoken and little to loudly, his mind still goes into lockdown whenever his thoughts wonder there. it made him cringe, it made him think... how disgusting he could become and how his true colours shone through whenever he was under the right circumstances. being under the influence made him all the more scary, he scares himself sometimes and even then, in those times, he had wanted to give up on himself. but he was all that he had. 

          it wasn’t the first time that he had resorted to ignoring and avoiding her. it wasn’t the first time that had done this, period. he lays on his couch, his phone in hand as a pile of paperwork sits beside him on the table by the couch. he attempts to convince himself that by putting the work beside him, he would be more inclined to feel like doing it under the pressure and the guilt that would soon after rave his system as his eyes begin to close shut. the text notification pops up on his screen, covering the funny video of dogs attempting to walk up and down the stairs. he stares at the notification until it disappears, his mind still frozen as he attempts to decipher what had just happened. was it that obvious that he was avoiding her? surely not. but then again, him making the immediately u-turn upon seeing her on campus was a clear enough indication of his avoidance of her. he reluctantly opens her message as he pulls down on his screen, staring at it for a while more, before choosing to reply. all the read messages above not having any response from him, mostly out of fear. 

lily 💕💖(ignore) → yes

          he stares at his own reply, what was he yessing to? his brows knitting together, before typing a follow up message.

lily 💕💖(ignore) → for a while idk lily 💕💖(ignore) → why are you talking to me lily 💕💖(ignore) → since when were we on speaking terms

[sgnshin]

sgnsoeun‌:

@sgnshin     /     in the glassy-eyed light of day. 

so what have you been up to lately, trapped in this metaphorical tourniquet called a structured schedule?

soeun’s mind wanders to such a thought the closer her steps draw to the building within her eyesight. inside sits the one who holds the prestigious title of student council president. she never would have thought, of the few people from her past attending seongnam, that shin would be given that position. ( she reminds herself people change. soeun has, as well. )

it’s typical of her to forego the concept of attending classes on a regular basis. true art is achieved through adventure. far from an excuse, but a reason for her lust of rebellion and tendency towards restlessness. her conscious is incapable of reflecting on the consequences she long since wrote off as meaningless. but she doesn’t seek out intentionally ruining the reputations of other people – and not shin’s, especially. even as she creeps up on the window she presumes to belong to the student council office.

the blinds rest in a peculiar way, crooked at the bottom, drawn just enough to allow a glimpse inside. waist high bushes are another obstacle she easily strides though.

“shin tsai!” she’s aware of how the window muffles her voice, so she raps a closed fist against the polished surface. the heat of her breath obscures her line of vision momentarily. it briefly reminds her of how she would blow on the glass during cool seasons like this to draw messages to people outside. soeun only possesses the patience to wipe the opaque circle away with her sleeve. “come hang out with me or suffer the consequences.”

the threat is not an empty one.

          paperwork was always left piling on his table, his own readings left to the last minute as procrastination would linger many seconds too long. his cerulean veins fuelled with a special kind of laziness that would deter him from working, despite being the president he was unfitting of such a title. his therapist tells him otherwise, his therapist tells him that he needs to think with more positivity. something he has grown to do, though still incapable of doing so. he sigh leaving from his lips, as he hears an echoing of his name, though short lived it blared like sirens amidst hazy hues. he turns to the window, seeing a somewhat threatening figure thudding against the window, hues widening for a moment, still trying to register what was happening. sleep deprivation, surely getting the better of him.

          he raises a hand, gesturing to her a thumbs up as to give him a moment to get himself into the mental space to communicate with another human being. digits raking through blonde strands, as he stands from his seat, grabbing the water bottle sitting atop his desk as he makes his way out of the building towards the front. “don’t you have class?” were the first words that left him, upon his gaze setting onto her, though leaving and missing out on his own classes to hangout with her, was never something he would ever say no to. “well, what are we doing today?” ending his question with a sigh that was way too exaggerated, expressing the clarity of his mind, one that finally came after many hours of captivity within the student government office. he was relieved to say the least. “please say something related to food.”

* glass eyes .

[sgnshin]

sgnsoyi‌:

it wasn’t hard for soyi to keep the past in the past. as far as certain things, but it also wasn’t hard for her to let the two mix. a thought that crossed her mind as soon as she saw shin. she did enjoy the time it they had together, when she broke up with him she wished it could’ve been different. a large part of her felt responsible. she was the adult, it wouldn’t have been fair to him to be burdened with so much. especially when she found out how he was doing after the move. simply, she wanted him to live without having to worry about her. about them. and once she came back? it was even harder to see him. they had met at events for social class but once she came back, it was hard to spot her. 

which meant it was hard to spot him. 

until today, soyi was sure she had saw him on campus a few times. she wasn’t sure if he had spotted her but she hadn’t made it a point to speak to him. ( just in case he didn’t want to speak to her. ) until today, when they literally ran into each other in the gym and she took in stride. grinning at him, “hey, kid.” a nick-name she used affectionately when they dated. until she found he really was and then it became the reason they broke up. but it was comfortable ( and the only thing she could see him as, even if he did grow up. he really grew up. ) “how have you been? and you’re parents? i haven’t seen them much these days but i’m also not in that circle much anymore.” 

          the relationship they had shared was a complex one. oddity still lingering at her name upon his sights setting against her every time his hues would cross her at the halls, deciding to go the opposite way as to best avoid her as he could. an unhealthy habit that he was told by many. avoiding your problems isn’t the most efficient way to go about things, but he couldn’t help it, he grew up running away from many things, and on the top of that list was the inherent problems that came along with being shin tsai. a part of him, worrying about how their conversation would have gone if they were on speaking terms, he was too afraid of what would leak from his throat and being cordial was not one of them. 

          digits lacing around the bag strap that he had lying on the floor, shoving his things in it before slinging it over his shoulder. a familiar voice catching his attention, as he turns back to see none other than her. the subject to be avoided. “you know we’re only two years apart, right?” immediately turning back as he grabs onto his water bottle, “i wouldn’t know.” turning back to her, shrugging slightly. he hadn’t been in contact with his parents since going into graduate school, he kept up the facade of being this wholesome son and brother, one he no longer could. “i stopped talking to them.” he offers her a half hearted smile, “how are you and your parents?” he uncaps his bottle, taking a sip before capping it again. “what are you studying now?” small talk, a skill he has been trying hard to maintain and level up.

long time no see / soyi & shin

[sgnshin]

sgnyeogeum‌:

Yeogeum never drank before he moved to Seongnam, why would he? He didn’t have any reason for it. Perhaps he had tasted wine a couple of times before, but nothing beyond that. Then he came to Seongnam University, and he learned the culture of alcohol and drinking, how pouring a toxic liquid into your body to make your head go crazy for fun was something normal. At first he tried avoiding alcohol just like he had tried avoiding people, but like everything he had tried avoiding, his attempt in avoiding it went not so well and before he knew it he was out drinking with friends. In the beginning he only went out with friends, actually all throughout his freshman year he only went out with friends, he had never dared drinking alone, but after having done it over the vacation he had showed up at this bar alone a few times.

It was surprisingly calming to just grab a drink or two once in a while, he hadn’t realized it before, but his mind was always so filled with thoughts, he would oh so often worry without even realizing it, and sometimes getting a drink or multiple to throw the night and himself away helped. Today was another one of those days, one of those days where he had chosen to just sit alone at a bar and grab a drink maybe two, however today he wasn’t alone, he had showed up alone, but there was an older woman all over him. She kept asking if she could buy him a drink, and despite him quietly telling her no she bought one for him anyway, getting angry when he refused to drink it, and not knowing what to do he was suddenly drinking the drinks she was buying for him despite not wanting to.

He looked around in the hope that someone could save him from this situation, he was feeling incredibly uncomfortable and all his attempts in leaving had failed. “I really gotta go…” he told her as she was in the midst of buying another drink for him, “come on, I bought you all these drinks and you’re just going to leave me?” she asked, fingers slipping over his neck and her looking him directly in the eyes.

                                                                                      send it to @sgnshin

          he didn’t know what had gotten into him, but these past few days have been a rush of fresh air within his system. perhaps the therapy sessions have finally begun to pay off. or maybe it was the constant reminder that he had on his phone every day to forcefully go out of his comfort zone and venture into one that included way too much socialising and not enough time to himself. a trade off that costed him three hours of sleep, as sleep deprivation lingers deeply in the nooks and crannies of his old soul. his was born in the wrong era, he tells himself, one that had no use for letters or the occasional dip of frosted toes into the lake by the country home of his parents. an additional to their already growing empire. he had thought that maybe, somewhere down the line the forced socialising and the obligatory demands for him to speak and the facade that would grow to cover the fragility of his reality would miraculous come true. to his disappointment, it never did. the captaincy that sits on both his limbs, weighing heavily, though he finds some pleasure in the prowess that he possesses. 

          careful eyes that scan the vicinity as he steps foot into the bar. the clothes from his earlier student government meeting still hanging from his shoulders. careful digits that rake through his silver strands, making it here alone as to clear his mind. a first. he finds a seat by the counter, he orders his drink as he allows his gaze to drift about, and for a moment he matches with another. in that moment, his brain fails to recognise that other’s features, already too wound up in the overstimulated senses his hearing and sight. he blinks a few times, before it registers in his mind the situation, and he couldn’t help but let a suppressed chuckle pull across his features. he gets up from his seat, swiftly as ever, as he forcefully throws himself between the two. yeogeum wasn’t enjoying this right? his expression telling of his uncomfortable state, though shin was never one to judge, the other might have secretly been into this age play thing.

          his elbow now resting on the counter, as he stands between yeogeum and the other woman. her hand quickly retrieving upon seeing him appear in the corner of her eye. she was clearly not as drunk as she would have appeared to be, shin turning to the older woman, brows raising, “can i help you? i’m his dad.” he blinks, shocked by the words that came out of his own mouth, and he senses the same shock that pulled at her thin drawn on brows. he wasn’t drunk, life was just moving too fast for his confused saddened brain to comprehend. 

✉ crazy lady, 𝚐𝚘 𝚊𝚠𝚊𝚢

[sgnshin]

sgnjongin‌:

@sgnshin || maximum sadness :(

joning starts in on the drinking way sooner than he’d intended to that night.

we’re talking early, we’re talking 4pm and he’s already seeing stars, we’re talking the sun hasn’t even gone down yet in a season of the year when daytime itself seems to last only about 2 hours, we’re talking about the chase for the truest oblivion known to man. jongin is supposed to be directing the catering, being one of the few things he has experience in, organizing with food services for the crown line hotels, his father’s chain business, but for the most part, things are getting done more so in spite of jongin, than because of him.

as it is, jongin is lounging across one of the longer tables like a young god of wine and iniquity, shirtless, shoeless, and being fed various types of cheeses by one of the waiters, who is just desperate for enough of an approval rating on one of them so that the kitchen can get the go-ahead to serve it and he can get back to his job. the party is hours away. life itself is hours away. jongin plays eeny-meeny-miny-mo with the selection before pointing to one and then spotting shin as the waiter scurries away. “shin!” jongin yells entirely too loudly, his voice echoing. “thank god you’re here, i think we need more lights on the ceiling.” he thrusts his arms upwards to the sky, his gaze bright and blurry. “a lot more.”

          shoulders that bare the black suit upon his frame, one that blends in with everything else, aside from the white strands of his hair. he steps into the venue, only 4pm and he would have thought it to be closing in on midnight, at the sight of the other. he could barely hold his impassive expression, as a smirk drags across his lips subtly. as the other speaks, he too, gazes upwards towards the ceiling, nodding in agreement. “i’ll have more lights come and people to set them up.” he retrieves his phone from his pocket, fingers quick to move as sends various messages to the relevant people. he tucks the phone back into his pocket. 

          he pulls a chair from the opposite end of where jongin sat, arms come to cross before him, as he leans back up against it. “should we hang up some sad faces too? to get the mood going.” his smirk only growing, as the wolfbane president, it took a lot of his energy to maintain the pristine image that their club possessed. to this, he had thought about preparing a 60 page contract, and having people sign it before entering the party, in case any mishaps were to occur, wolfbane would not be held responsible for anything. “i’ll also have to stick a terms and conditions agreement at the entrance, in case anyone dies.” 

[sgnshin]

                  HEADS UP KIDS AND CROOKS,

To the ladies and gentlefolk of Seongnam University, you are all cordially invited to a CHRISTMAS BLOWOUT BASH held this year by Wolfbane Social Club’s own president Shin Tsai!

Come and see the Student Center’s largest lounge room and cafeteria section transformed into a den of iniquity a beautiful array of festivity, decked out in fairy lights and ambient decor, and catered with plenty of gourmet dishes (and yes, of course, booze included!). There will be a DJ for those who dance and a dessert table for those who can’t, and all attendees will have the option of participating in a secret santa gift exchange if they so wish, at the stroke of midnight!

So please dress to impress and join us from 8PM TO DAWN THIS COMING SATURDAY before everyone exits campus grounds for the Big Day Itself, to blow off some holiday cheer!

                                                                                                 (shin sticks a little note in front of                                                                                                   the entrance like if you enter you’ve                                                                                                     agreed to death and all other                                                                                                     possible consequences and                                                                                              wolfbane will not be held responsible)

Keep reading

[sgnshin]

TEXT FOR → JEON LILY

[ text → shin ] no i can’t get it online [ text → shin ] if i could i wouldn’t be asking you right now  [ text → shin ] don’t worry i’ll do it for you or something to repay for coming with me now [ text → shin ] the sale ends today! 

lily 💕💖(ignore) → that’s ok, i can manage lily 💕💖(ignore) → i wouldn’t want you having to go through the gruelling process of learning legal terminology and case studies lily 💕💖(ignore) → alright lily 💕💖(ignore) → where are you?  lily 💕💖(ignore) → what are the logistics? should i come pick you up or

[sgnshin]

TEXT FOR → JEON LILY

[ text → shin ] hey! [ text → shin ] can you do me a favor? great! there's this sale going on and i need someone to come with me. [ text → shin ] everyone else was busy and i know you're probably not soooo [ text → shin ] come with me please thanks!

lily 💕💖(ignore) → what are you buying? lily 💕💖(ignore) → can’t you get it online lily 💕💖(ignore) → i have an assignment due tomorrow lily 💕💖(ignore) → when does the sale end?

[sgnshin]

REPLY FOR → KWON SIAN

♡  @sgnshin  |  the vast expanse of obsidian space between them is more suffocating than it is comforting. moreso because the vast expanse isn’t really all that vast. or expansive.

instead it takes place within the world’s smallest coat closet – one that half of the dahlia girls have been consistently requesting to have redone, while the other half was mute, found it’s usefulness during times like this. as if a game called seven minutes in heaven was something substantial.

it seemed to be substantial enough to sian of the past, whatever mix of cherry vodka the wolfbane boys had brought over leaving a pleasurable hum once it infiltrates her system, tipsy enough to agree to the game with an indulgent grin. it isn’t long before she comes to think that if there is some kind of god up there looking down upon the world, amusing himself with humans as if they were his illimitable supply of sims, she thinks that one – he takes an immense amount of delight in her suffering, which seems to go against everything that an omnipotent god is supposed to stand for ( unless they’re greek or demonic ), and two – his sense of humor is absolute shit, which leads back to thought number one. there’s a bottle that’s spun, and when brown hues gaze upon the other person it lands on besides herself, her first instinct is to laugh – and she’s not sure if it’s the alcohol or the stress of the matter hitting her. her second instinct is to run.

after all, it’s what she’s been doing this whole time.

before she’s even allowed to emit either reaction there are lithe hands pushing her inside with such force it makes her confused, wondering how much a small girl like that could bench and it’s enough to keep her distracted so that she’s pushed into the closet with ease, shin following with a slam of the door behind him. so the vast expanse truly isn’t all that vast – especially when the sheer weight of the awkward atmosphere between them drives her against the wall, has her back sliding down wallpaper until she’s seated upon the floor. it helps that the lights are off, at least, the party-goers most likely too drunk to realize. but if it weren’t for the bass of that played out camilla cabello song reverberating within the house, sian could probably hear the sound of shin’s breathing. she has to keep her knees to her chest so that her legs don’t accidentally brush upon his feet. it’s silent, and she’s sure this is how one of the rings of hell feels like. or maybe the bad place. same concept.

because what is she supposed to do? what is she supposed to say to someone who wished almost unforgivable things upon you when all you tried to do was help them? even if it was a while ago.

“uh … hi. long time no see?”

well … that, she guesses. and she always held such pride in being such a great conversationalist, only to have it draw a blank in a situation like this. it’s a start, after all.

          parties were never his thing, though his responsibilities did call for them, his personality had always rejected the offers with a simple wave of his hand. his presidency however, sat on the waves of networking, his mind having been pushed aside as he takes on a whole new persona. at these parties, the corner of his lips would tug agonisingly slow, as if forcefully spreading fingers across his cheek to get him to smile. he was told smiling brought forth a closer connection to others, from there networking would be made easier. however, doubtful that may be, his parents had always pressured him to do well, well enough that he wouldn’t need them. and he has come to find that he no longer does. with that, his parents’ pleas come outwardly, shameless and unprovoked. 

          now, here he sat, a part of the circle of some game he had never signed up to participate in. yet somehow, the liquor in his veins, from what little he drank, seemed to pull him into circles less than desirable. his problem with addiction, ongoing, yet he always managed to find himself breaking all the rules. he fears for his life, he fears himself the most though. 

          vision, still clear, though his mind slightly clouded, finding himself being shoved in the closet by familiar faces. ahh, that’s right. he used to date their president. a short lived relationship, a year of his life wasted. more so, he had wasted her time with his nuisance, but it would never be something he would admit to. anticipating the breakup like his own death, he had been waiting for it, for a while now. so he had chosen to break it off before he the impending pain of his decisions. blonde strands, being the only thing that stood out amidst the darkness of the closet, it was smaller in here, than what it had looked like from the outside. he lets out a tired sigh, hearing the blaring of music in the background, as she slid herself down. his black attire, with matching black vanz, clinging to his body as a hand raises to run through his strands. he slumps down, opposite from her, his back as close to the closet wall as possible, elbow leaning up against his bent knee, as it pushed up against the wall. his temple resting on balled up fists, gaze only coming to meet with hers as she spoke.

          he only lets his brows raise in acknowledgement at her words. it sure has been a long time. their friendship quickly ending as unpleasant things were unexchanged and he remembers calling her a washed up idol, a bitch and a mindless supporter of the dahlia president. it was as if their close friendship meant nothing after the breakup he had had with haeni. how come no one saw my side? the thought that resonating through his reverie, plaguing it at the vast expanse of his cynical soul. 

          he shifts himself closer to the wall, making the best of the little space they had, as to try to give her more room to find comfort. the black hoodie he was wearing, wasn’t helping with the suddenly rising temperature of the enclosed space, matching black joggers that wrapped around his limbs, black converse that clung to his feet, as he rolls up his sleeves. he hand raises to gently push the closet door open, only to see that he had been locked shut. maybe if he punched it, it would open? then again, who knows what rumours would fly around then. violent shin. we all knew you had that in you. 

          “enjoying yourself?” his tone, rather flat. “how’s... studying and all of that...?” he resists the urge to inquire about haeni’s wellbeing, it wasn’t like he cared or anything. his guilt talking more than his own faults. 

* ❥   ⁝   be alright again

[sgnshin]

REPLY FOR → KIM YOOHYEON

she’s always had a good eye for reading people—at least, that’s what she’d always been told. the story goes that once upon a time, a man had come up to their house, asking for help because his car had broken down the road. her parents, being the good people they are (at least, that’s what they were at the time), were happy to help, but little yoohyeon would not stop screaming and crying not to let the man in. it turns out, they were right to listen to their three-year-old daughter, because the next day on the news came the warning of an escaped convict going from door to door in the neighborhood.

she doesn’t know how true that story is, told to her by her elder brother a long time ago, but she tends to believe it, seeing as how she usually doesn’t have a hard time deciphering whether a person is good or bad. it’s helped her tremendously throughout her life, steering her away from those who would want to harm or use her, and forging friendships with those who only wish to uplift and support her.

it’s become a little difficult after entering snu, though. there are so many people on campus who have secrets to hide, so many who have lived their life so full of lies that even they can’t tell what’s truth anymore. it makes everything so muddled and confusing, but there are none more confusing than shin tsai.

try as she might, she’s never quite been able to figure out who he is—or what, for that matter. he’s become so difficult to read that she’s convinced herself that he is no ordinary human, and she’s determined to find out what it is. which is why she’s currently found herself up in a tree, watching him as he walks by down below. it’s without intention that a branch cracks, causing leaves to fall and rustle all around him, definitely giving away her position. figuring she’s already been had, she gives her position away herself, hoping to take away the satisfaction of outing her on his own.

“what’s that you’ve got in your hand?” she asks from above, refusing to get down from the tree for the time being. “it wouldn’t happen be your life’s blood, would it?”

                                                                                           ✧ —–  casting call for, @sgnshin· ;

         with little words, and the shear glint of impassivity, his tongue rolls back only to scathe surface of his palate, golden hues squint to form subtle lines across his features. digits raise to curl around the warm cup of earl grey that sat comfortably in his grip. his other hand occupied by the overheating screen of his phone, and blaring from his headphones were the avid soundscape of the piano, driving his motivation to push through yet another day. he sat low on the scale of enthusiasm, not enough words could describe his emotions, yet none would do so as he felt his insides swirl and sway in a direction that kept him guessing. he too, was as confused as any other. his brain, his mind, his reverie filled with thoughts that were all too random, too sporadic, too unhealthy to maintain. all adjectives that his therapist tells him are bad and that they were to be replaced with much other positive ones. he winces slightly as the cup comes to his lips, anticipating the hot beverage to ravage his tastebuds, but like he had determined, pain was of no use. he feels the warmth of the earl grey, grazing against his palate, and this time more pleasant than the last.

          he catches a glimpse of a moving silhouette positioned atop a tree, perhaps too dangerous for someone such as her. these stereotypes, imploding in his mind as he feels the guilt of having worried about something in futile. he brings the cup back down, pausing in his steps, as he paces towards the other, gaze averting upwards to meet with the other, “oh, this?” he raises his cup slightly, “this, is the blood of my enemies.” he raises a brow slightly, his features otherwise untelling of his joking demeanour, “how about you worry about getting down from there safely? i’ll get you a cup, if you’d like?” passing his phone to the other hand, as the cup stacks atop his screen, his now free hand, raising to shift through the blonde strands of his untamed hair. an obvious distinction from his all black outfit, one that changes every day but remains the same shade of black, some more faded than the rest, the range remains the same. 

          today, on his shoulders, sat a black hoodie, scribbled on the front was the faculty of his major. law. on his legs, clung equally black track pants that matched the black nikes on his feet. not one to allow his family’s status to shine through, a man of simplicity. a first look at him, and the assumption that he was but a regular middle class student would have not been wrong. his reputation not as pristine as he’d like, nor the image that he had tried to perceive. he was the president of wolfbane and the student government, although none of which have satisfied his insatiable desire to be filled. he had hoped it would, but soon he would discover that it wouldn’t. 

          “you okay getting down by yourself?” words that roll off of his tongue rather easily, how did she find herself there in the first place? creep.

❝ — the art of sleuthing , ★°。

[sgnshin]

STARTER FOR → YANG JEONGIN/JASON (@sgnjeongin)

          parties were never shin’s thing. he had always planned them, though rarely would he ever turn up to one. the energy that went into holding up an entire facade across his features, the forced tugging at his corners, and the swaying of bodies that came into vision, frightened him a little. he was unnerving, the guise that perfectly shifted over his darkened hues, sheltering him for a moment before reality comes back to bite him. it tugs him at his throat, and he suffocates for a moment, stepping out of the cinth house to take a breather, lighting a cigarette as he takes it between his lips. he mentally curses himself, addiction lathering all over his soul and yet, here he was, indulging within it. 

           he turns to his left, seeing a familiar face, someone his met in one of his communication classes in the past, an elective that encased his studies within accounting and law. before he could make any further observations, sirens begin to scream throughout the house, red and blue lights spiralling throughout the darkness of the outside region, and alertness reigns through his system. he tosses the cigarette into the pool, in semi-panic mode he runs towards the fence, swiftly jumping over it as he lands rather gracefully for someone of his stature. perhaps, time spent with the gymnastics captain has really improved his form. 

          he turns to his right this time, the same face beside him, as he lets out a sigh of somewhat relief. “don’t suppose you know what just happened?”

[sgnshin]

REPLY FOR → JEON LILY

if he wasn’t drunk he wouldn’t have called her in the first place ? then what was her purpose of being here ? was she someone who he could call only when he was intoxicated ? when there was something in his system that could boost his courage enough for him to remember to dial her number ? was that really all she was needed for ? she supposed that she should have saw this coming. she wanted him to lean towards her, but not like this. this was different, this wasn’t the shin she was used to seeing. of course, everyone has their lowest points that they want to keep hidden from the eyes of people. people shielding their ugly truths in fear that the ones they love won’t abandon them. won’t succumb to playing the part in which are thought up in their minds. “ so you only call when you’re drunk ? ” the words slipped out as her gaze continues on him. she could feel the slight rage building up inside of her – adding along the tears that were still sliding downwards upon her face. “ i see…” she mutters softly. his words begging her not to cry, but how could she not with what she was currently witnessing. what she was hearing. all these things at once was too much at one time. the more she spoke it seemed the angrier he gotten. 

Keep reading

         selfish. that’s what he is. it’s a special kind of narcissism that lacerates his cerulean veins. fake. that’s what he is. he calls it love yet he doesn’t even notice the pain that she’s endured. but how could he? his own pain having overwhelmed him, his mind a dark abyss of a space that trapped him inside its confines. four stained walls, sprawled on are the inklings of his own sins, a bright shade of red, not quite sanguine toned but rather off, the dried kind... dried like poison. he felt himself dying every day bit by bit, losing himself to the facade he had tried to keep up. losing himself to the feigned smile on his corners, and to the small nods at everything everyone had asked from him. clean and freshly ironed clothes that guised the disgusting, sadness of his true colours. maybe thats why he loves to dress in black so much.

         as he feels the palm of her hand against his own cheek, the sharpness and the unexpected stinging sensation burns for a second, but just like that it goes numb again. his gaze drops to the floor before him, head following. how could he not have realised her pain, seen it in her darkened hues, sensed it from her words, the gentleness of her actions and the kindness of her thoughts. he was blinded by his own selfishness, fetishising pain and his own suffering. he feels his anger seeping down, his head still throbbing, temples pulsating as he begins to feel a welling up of sadness ejecting from his tired eyes. although no tears were evident, the sorrow he experienced burned at his throat. it had been a while since he had been struck like this, a good eight years since his own father raised a hand to beat him but this time, the emotional reaction was different. he didn’t feel the anger, the hatred and pent up frustration he had towards his father but this time, it took him by storm, head clouded by sadness, disappointment within himself. he felt pathetic for not having realising her words sooner. he was too small, too insignificant in the grand scheme of things. he was just three-eighths of a speck of disappointment on the spectrum of worthlessness. how badly he wanted to just scream again, to yell that at least you didn’t go to rehab and have a drug addiction because... you never truly beat addiction, his therapist tells him otherwise. but this wasn’t a competition of who had suffered more, that narcissistic need to win, even when it came to who endured more pain was pathetic. he was better than that, right? digits curl, balling up into fists beside him, gaze still stuck on the floor beneath, suppressing his anger the best he can. don’t be the monster you said you were afraid of becoming. don’t do it. don’t be that monster. breathe. 

        she’s right, at least his parents had acknowledged him. they sent him to rehab, forced him into care and cut him off before realising he had potential after rehab. only connecting with him when he started making a name for himself without them. he was selfish, just like them and he hated it. he remembers nights spent studying for his law exams, case studies that had his own father’s name as the prosecutor, watching court hearings that had his father’s voice dictate the instructions. he remembers the anger he felt, and at the same time all the sadness and disappointment that leaked from his spirit. these were the same people that told him he was worthless, that he too, would amount to nothing, that his addiction problem had ended his life and his career. there was no hope left for him, not a single shred of light left within the vast expanse of the entire universe. he recalls his father’s words, telling him that no one would ever love him, that he was broken, perhaps this was where his life had started spiralling downwards, age six. too young to be feeling such sadness, yet too old to be asking questions about life. but at least they had given him a response.

         he was the product of a dysfunctional family. no matter how happy he wanted to be, they were a constant reminder of how impossible that dream is. his own mother used to write letters about how yearning for happiness is impossible, how she had tried for years and was still stuck in the eternal mundaneness of life. how she told him to give up on looking, how he would never be able to find it. it must be a genetic thing. this special kind of sadness and resentment for life, this self sabotaging nature, this mutual understanding of drowning, despite drowning together, runs in the tsai blood. 

        he remains silent, unmoving, listening to her every word. he feels her pain, maybe not to her core but he felt it through her words, her tears poking holes in his facade as he tries to hold himself together. he would never lay a  finger on her, not even whilst mentally unstable, and if he ever did, he would never forgive himself. 

        “you’ve always been perfect to me.”

         his gaze moving to shadow over her for a moment, how did things end up like this? things were not meant to be like this. he was never meant to call her amidst his drunken mind, he should have never drank to begin with, he should have never said anything, done anything. he should’ve never existed. maybe then the world would be a better a place... to think his therapist had tried to make him avoid all of this, yet here he was... out of his mind. he drops to his knees beside her, arms coming to embrace her, “please don’t cry, i’m sorry i didn’t realise your pain sooner.” his voice lowering completely by now. “i was too clouded by my own judgements.” words, slurring still. a part of him was glad that she had not resorted to self medicating like he had, now birthing a new problem with his on going battle with addiction. one that he too, sees as a losing battle despite having successfully gone through rehab. that shit doesn’t work, they make you believe it does but once you leave and your life falls back into your own hands, you find that your dependency on someone monitoring and mentoring you had consume so much of you that... it became a rational fear. a real fear of falling back into it without a safety net. no one could help him, the professionals had even tried. here he sits surrounded by empty bottles, he had already lost the battle the moment he had stepped into rehab and the war was going to end him. there he goes again, focusing on himself right after she had just poured her heart out. selfish, selfish, so incredibly selfish.

         his grip on her tightening, “don’t let anyone tell you that you’re worthless. i... i love you even though you don’t.. and you are doing great, lily.” his words still slurring as he spoke, still unable to let go of the fact that love hadn’t been her choice of word, “we didn’t choose to be born into this kind of family, but here we are, making the most of it. at least you are... i’ve been to rehab, seen a therapist for four years, done everything suggested to me and i still can’t get my fucking brain to work the way i want it to.” releasing her finally, fingers clumsily coming to wipe at her cheek, “i... i think i might be unfixable...” hand lowering as he falls to his side, shoulder colliding with the tiled floor, eyes feeling heavy, mind feeling numb. “a-at least drugs aren’t... aren’t one of your concerns...” shamefulness were still emotions that consumed him, and he thinks that this... might be the last time he would ever speak to her again. how was he to face her after having said all these horrible things to her, after exposing his true colours to her, after raising his voice, showing her the side that he tried to hard to hide. they had broke it off because he had spent so much time hiding from this that he had neglected everything else important in his life. his rolls onto his back, arm raising to rest against his forehead, covering his eyes as he feels himself well up, “and i tried so hard.” he pauses, attempting to push all his emotions back down, this this all of this, was a sign of weakness. pathetic. “pathetic...” voice echoing his thoughts, arm remaining over his vision, his other arm raising to rest upon his chest, feeling it rise slowly. 

[sgnshin]

REPLY FOR → JEON LILY

this wasn’t what she expected to see, or she could say she expected to see some alcohol from how he sounded over the phone, but not him in this state. she didn’t know where to start as she continued to look around. was it better for her to have stayed outside, or just gone back home ? did she really have the heart to just leave even if she didn’t know he was in the state he was in ? there were so many questions that her head began to swirl a bit as she tried to take everything in. she knew that shin had problems with his family. she didn’t know much, but she did know that he was throwing letters from his mother away. after that one time she had found them stacked in his garbage can , it was they day he decided to tell her just a little more about himself. it was probably the only moment where she felt that she was actually a little bit closer to him throughout their relationship. 

“ why… ” she spoke silently, a question that was more towards herself, not meant to be answered. she she began to clean up the mess to make it seem like nothing happened ? though in shin’s current condition things would be still evident that for what reason , or what he was feeling at this current moment made him go to drinking it all away. why could he just talk to someone ? was it really that hard to lean on someone just for once ? lily had always wanted to be there for him, she wanted him to know that she was there for him when they were together. though all he did was ignore her entire existence, made as if she was dating herself. everything hurt, even now she was hurting just looking at him, but she wouldn’t make that known. no, she wouldn’t fall in front of him – she had to be strong ( for herself at least ). 

Keep reading

          he feels ashamed. of course he does. who wouldn’t? oh, how the mighty have fallen, shattered by the very idealistic mirages of his pretentious parents. always, always, always attempting to push some sort of blame onto him, some sort of responsibility that didn’t warrant his autonomy. something about wanting him to be the best version of himself, except not for himself but rather for them, for the proud parents of that one family who owns a plethora of businesses, encompassing law firms across the nation. wanting, hoping, having expanded to neighbouring countries and further across the map, and yet, here he was. a single speck of disappointment, forged by the fears of addiction, a real problem he has had from a young age. it started from smoking and age at fourteen, perhaps thirteen, the years have made him grow tired of counting the number of mistakes he has managed to rake up throughout his short time here, short? hardly. surviving made it difficult, making it seem eternal like a lingering cut that gets patted down by salt, the wound stings but only for a moment, only within that frame. nowhere else hurts, because every where else is numb. 

          are you being true to your word? of course he was, alcohol was the only thing that made him speak his actual truth, a bottled up, scared little boy that was too frightened to ever speak his truth. ahh, truth. something every attorney seeks, yet here he was, afraid of it. maybe he wasn’t cut out to be an attorney, to study law to do any of this but the driving force was too much for him to stop. his father would have him assassinated, and that was no exaggeration. he has beaten his dad to the point where he had blacked out, he felt his own hands crushed by the heavy weight of his old man’s body, cradling almost lifeless and his mother yells, she screams and she screams for help, calling bloody murder on her son. her only son. their only son. and he lives the next seven years of life in hiding, with little to say to his parents. how was he to bring all this up to lily? if she knew who he really was, she wouldn’t want to know him anymore. it was the same with everyone. people get to know the real you, then they leave you behind, finding the real you too ugly, too disgusting, too... too sad. shin was all of that and he was afraid she would see all of that too, because he spends a lot of time with the real him, and it’s not fun. 

          his arm lifts from his forehead, having shaded his vision, upon hearing her speak, her voice was shaky, he sensed her tears, something he rarely ever witnessed throughout their relationship, “please don’t cry.” he wanted to punch something. her sadness, her frustration, her tears had always fuelled a sense of his own sadness and frustration, and he didn’t know how to respond, “alcohol is the only thing letting me speak my mind right now, otherwise i would have never called you to begin with.” he wanted to go to her, to wipe her tears, to embrace her and to tell her that it’ll be okay. it will, won’t it? but he knows his limbs would give in, that his unstable mind would implode with the thoughts of rejection, because she doesn’t love you. she only likes you. she never loved you, who do you think you are? you piece of shit. he goes back to feeling dejected, a sigh leaving him. 

          she speaks again, this time her words leaving a stain against his bleach bones, she just doesn’t get it. a hand raises to apply pressure against his temple, thumb circling the side of his head as she speaks, “stop telling me to lean on you, stop telling me what i have to do, stop blaming yourself for the shitty things i’ve done, none of this is your fault how many fucking times do i have to tell you that it’s all my fucking fault? huh?” his anger getting the best of him, he pushes himself up, off from the couch, staggering a little as he attempts to straighten himself up, a hand moves again to press against his forehead this time, “fine. you want to know why i don’t tell you shit? because you’re one of those people, the ones that don’t do shit like drugs or shoot up in the toilets or go to fucking rehab for a year before going into grad school or beat your dad up to the point where your mum thought you had killed him. has your own mother, ever called the police on you for murder? you think that’s something i want to parade around? you think i want people knowing what a shitty person i am? what the real me is like so everyone can fucking leave? sorry i’m not perfect like you, that i don’t have a normal functioning fucking brain like you.” his voice raising, expression tinted by sanguine rage. he was frustrated that she couldn’t see that side of him, the one that felt trapped, alone and broken. his therapist tells him that it’s unhealthy to have labelled himself as such, but those were the keywords that he had grown up with. broken. he had allowed himself to think that he was unfixable for so long, that it had become a fact. he had convinced himself so much that he had suddenly believed that he was so broken, not even magic could cure him. she should’ve seen that, but how could she? he never told her anything, he never expressed anything of the like, how could she have known?

          he never swore, at least never in front of her. throughout their entire relationship, he had never peeked a single word that suggested he was angry at her, he never expressed anger in general, he had kaiser for that. he had boxing for that, he had a therapist for that. he never raised his voice, nor had he ever shown her such disrespect. but at the same time, he felt a weight being lifted from off his shoulders, but then he feels panic lathering his system. she’s going to leave me for good now. she’s knows the real me. “and... that’s the real me.”