shadocast - Tumblr blog

[shadocast]

I am afraid. I am so afraid that my life is living me, and soon will be over, and not a moment of it will have been my own. And of how my body now tells me that is fine and right. 

[shadocast]

The house was quiet when Evelyn arrived and the older woman was keenly aware something was wrong between her son and Asha. The warmth she'd felt earlier was muted. Asha was...quiet. As they laid out pies along the counter, Evie debated asking him but apparently it was obvious.

"I don't really want to talk about it," Mal told her quietly.

"Okay," she agreed simply. Now was not the time or place to push.

A fairly confident man, Mal didn't like insecurity. Forced on him or generated naturally. He loved Asha with all he had but sometimes he worried it wasn't enough for her. Those times like earlier when she would swear she wouldn't change him but the resentment for who he was or how he was shone through. She generally didn't want him to change until something came up that reminded her he was not the White Knight of her dreams riding in to sweep her off her feet in a fairytale romance. That he was inadequate to her expectations. Her disappointment had been so obvious despite what she said. She might even look at him and see a coward for what he'd done. No wonder, then, she still hadn't joined the Pack. How could she follow someone she didn't have real respect for? How could she love someone?

Those were very private fears that he wasn't ready to share with Asha, much less his mother no matter how well-intentioned. He knew he was on his last chance with her. The promise to leave at the next fuck up lingered in his mind constantly. He was fighting for her, but maybe it wasn't in a way she saw or a way that mattered to her. In any case, he knew none of his rattled feelings were fair to her. As he mulled over where he'd gone wrong trying to cheer her up, it sounded even to himself like he was blaming her. He didn't blame her. He'd been weak and he couldn't be anymore if he wanted to keep her.

[shadocast]

He was up early, getting ready for another long day with his son. Already he could hear Aedan shuffling about downstairs, the scent of coffee wafting up through the vents. As always he pressed a kiss to his sleeping Mate's cheek, letting her sleep as she would be up with their younger kids later.

Just before Christian got to the door, he heard a commotion from the next room. Grunts and a shout. A loud thud. Maeve woke up with it but he left to investigate, first knocking then, when no answer came, pushing open the door to Kyler and Tobi's room.

Tangled in the sheets on the ground, he had her pinned. And not in the fun way. Her face was twisted into a snarl, fighting against him but with no hope of winning in pure physical strength. The intrusion distracted Tobi who looked over his shoulder. "Get out!" He barked, half interrupted as Kyler dislodged him, a knife flung at the door and narrowly missing Christian's cheek.

He pulled the door shut only for Maeve to push through into the room, Christian grabbing at her but missing. In the instant between missing him with a blade and Maeve opening the door, Chris saw Kyler shift. As if she came out of the haze. Out of the nightmare. She folded in on herself, gripping handfuls of her hair that Tobi fought to release crouched in front of her. "Stop, it's over," he tried to coax her. "Nobody's hurt." She'd got him a few times but it healed already. They were used to this with each other.

The problem was now the people around them actually bothered when they heard something. Nobody at the main house came to knock or check when they were gripped in their horror. They'd had to rely on each other.

Carefully Maeve knelt in front of Kyler beside Tobi, wolf aware he was feeling spiked and protective, not wanting her to be touched. But he was trusting her with them. Trying to anyway.

From the doorway, where the blade was still lodged, Christian watched with Aedan hovering behind him. As hard as this was, he thought this was good. They would learn that he and Maeve would be there for them even in these hard moments. There was no blame in the Pack bond for Kyler to feel. No fear. Just worry for her, the promise of them while not crowding her. He hoped this was the start of the right path for them.

[shadocast]

They'd been home a few weeks now. Tobi was a little wary living with these kids and Maeve and Christian, particularly with Kyler and Chris having both been ill. They felt piled atop one another but it wasn't really any worse than living at the main house. They just had to shuffle around the bathroom. Besides, they were making room. Despite his concerns that their presence here would drive Anders and Lucky away from Maeve and Christian, they had proceeded with the plans to build them their own little space once Maeve's workshop was complete.

So since they had come home, they went out every day to help with the animals then switched gears to building with Christian and Aedan, sometimes Maeve, Ryan, and Fiona. Having tasks he repeated every day was good for him. Chris showed him what to do and why, then he carried on with it. He supposed he and Kyler had the easier work, but Aedan obviously took the brunt of it trying to keep Christian from overexerting himself which Tobi noticed both he and Kyler could do so easily. He had to watch her like a hawk.

Building was different though. Less routine as each day wasn't the same and new steps had to be added. He did as instructed, watched and observed how the others worked. They finished the workshop and started on their little house. Christian wasn't quite as good about the instructions as he'd been the last time which frustrated him.

"What's next?" The younger man asked, dusting off gloved hands and looking to him.

Tobi stared blankly. He thought it was some sort of rhetorical question. A roundabout way of saying 'on to the next task', but he realized that was wrong when Chris looked at him and turned his hand over expectantly. He was supposed to know. He shrugged. "Dunno."

"Yeah, you do." It was a harmless prod, almost encouraging.

Except that it didn't. It felt like a reminder that he was fucked up and irritated him. "Don't do that. Just give me instructions. That's how I work, I do what I'm told." He'd been trying so hard since their return to keep his head down, to not create a scene. Any trips up to the main house were conducted as quietly as possible. Nobody wanted broken Tobi, least of all Tobi.

Christian sighed softly. He had hoped to be past this now. He had noticed Tobi's habit of doing exactly as instructed to as near perfection as he could and then wait for more instructions even if it would be the same as yesterday. It was as if he didn't remember, but he did know how to do what he'd been taught. He simply hedged from proactivity. Having discussed this observation with Maeve, they had agreed it wasn't laziness. Tobi, like Kyler, worked extremely hard. Rather it seemed an unwillingness to assume, to potentially make a mistake. "I'm not gonna treat you like a machine, you know what t'do, and if you fuck up it ain' nothin' we can' fix." He shoved his hands in his pockets and tried to appear unimposing while also just being bluntly honest.

That Kyler was inside with Maeve learning how to witch was a relief. He had pulled back some so she could focus on her learning, and that enabled him to hide the punch of anxiety. He knew what to do next. He remembered. Logically, he was fine. But doubt drowned him. He looked down to hide how his gaze traveled, searching the dirt for the answer that he knew he knew but just couldn't spit out. "No." He shook his head, a step backwards taken. "No. I can't."

Chris didn't yet know how much he could push this. He had only just found this boundary, but decided he would give it a try. "Yeah, you can. Just gotta learn--"

"Stop!" Tobi snapped, wolf seeping into his eyes and his posture shifted from confused to predatory in that same instant. "Just fucking tell me what to do. That's fine with me, it should be fine with you."

Both hands came out of pockets and to the air in a somewhat submissive gesture. Evidently this was not a boundary to push yet. It was sad because they both knew he knew, but he was too afraid to trust himself. Too afraid to screw up. "Okay," he agreed softly, not letting his wolf rise to the challenge. He knew it was unlikely Tobi would hurt him but in terms of capability? Well, he stood no chance at all against him. "Alright then. We can do that."

The anger dropped out of him and he knew he'd made a mistake letting himself snap. He should have just told him the answer. He knew the answer. Another mistake. His instincts were wrong. He backed up and sagged. There stood this man who had done nothing but welcome and help him and in the face of the threat of him was unmoved. No anger, maybe a flinch of fear. But not much else. Just the same concerned but hopeful look he'd started this conversation with. "How do you do that? Not react. I could have killed you." And the others would have thought that was exactly what he was doing.

This took a turn Christian had not expected and his surprise was obvious. He wasn't sure what to say. The truth was not something he was comfortable parting with. To top it off, Aedan had returned with the supplies they needed just as Tobi asked that question. But there was no other answer but the truth. "I think my daddy beat that outta me by the time I was 5 or 6. The more I fought back, the worse his temper got, an' the more he whaled on me. I learned just t'take it when he was in a pissed mood. Sometimes I'd get a wild hair an' fight back t'keep him from goin' after my mama, but sometimes that made things worse for all of us," he explained as he slowly got back to work, preferring not to say all that face to face. But it was what it was. The man was dead now and he was at least one step above him having never struck his children. He was working to be better than that low standard though.

Shit. That wasn't what he expected and Tobi felt guilty. His reaction to a threat was to do nothing, to simply endure which made any time he snapped at him worse. Christian may not defend himself. He was quite the opposite. He bucked every attempt to threaten him with threats of his own. He fought back even to his own detriment and sometimes that of others. Maybe that was the answer though. He moved to take supplies from Aedan, to help with what he knew to do. "I'm sorry."

Christian offered a crooked smile. He took the rest from his son after giving him a quick sideways hug to let him know everything was okay. "S'fine. Everyone's afraid of fuckin' up. It's normal," he told him and moved back to work.

Pride demanded he protest instantly but he stopped short after a breath. Tobi wanted to say he wasn't afraid but that was the furthest thing from the truth, so he fell quiet and moved in to help the father and son.

[shadocast]

Asha was the worst. Both men had known this well in advance of getting involved with her. But it didn't save them. When either of them were away from her, she would sometimes grab the other and start something. Usually she was grabbing Sean, an oh so willing accomplice, and tackling him to their bed. Giving and receiving pleasure that was allowed to float across the bonds to Mal. Mal who was trying to focus on the task at hand. Mal who was trying to ignore the ache in his jeans.

Their base home was largely settled and Sean had grown more confident and comfortable being physical with them. However, he and Sean had not acted on any impulses just the two of them without Asha. She always made time for sex, first of all, and Mal was buying time letting Sean adjust. He honestly didn't know where Sean's actual preferences fell anyway. The younger man had simply been exploring with them but not truly vocalised a firm position. Just drew lines when he wasn't comfortable.

Today though Mal was pent up and wanted some revenge on Asha for doing this to him. So he grabbed Sean in their bedroom, pinned him to the wall, and caught his lips in a heated kiss.

Shock ricocheted through Sean. Mal was far more aggressive than him in bed although he had become more assertive. Surprised as he was, he submitted easily, letting Mal handle him, grind on him which drew a groan from them both. "What--why?" He managed, not complaining but certainly confused.

"Loving on you," Mal explained nonchalantly as he pulled back with a mischievous smirk, one eyebrow raised, "and getting revenge on Ash." He pressed in again, hands slipping under his shirt to draw it off of him revealing ink and scars. Muscle more obvious and defined as he had filled out with adequate food. A fact Asha loved pointing out about them both.

Once Sean understood the ulterior motive, he grinned and fell more easily into step with him. Tugging Mal's shirt off and tossing it on the bed, he pushed against him trying to free himself from the wall. Enticing what he knew would get a further reaction out of Mal. A game Asha usually played. He was pushed back quickly against the wall, Mal physically stronger than him and it wasn't a feeling Sean was used to.

But he was safe. Secure in his Mate who wouldn't hurt him or push beyond a boundary that would make him panic. Mal made sure he felt that, wrapping him up as he undid his belt and pushed his hand down to stroke him to hardness. He smirked triumphantly to hear him groan, caught up in pleasure and much more pliant for him. "You're mine, too, you know," he murmured lowly, nipping at his throat which Sean gave up so easily. "She needs to learn to share." Sean just half nodded, overwhelmed by Mal's presence which had grown louder and more intense as he healed.

Jeans were undone and pushed down, Mal following to his knees. He didn't usually do this, finding the act too submissive for his tastes with another man, but this was different. Their bonds created equals of them and, well, he wanted to explore, too. Cock swallowed down, Mal not quite as good at this as Asha, but he knew what he liked for himself and started there, working him and following the moaning cues from his Mate. Hand slid behind to clutch his ass, carefully monitoring his reactions as he worked toward his hole. Someday, probably not today, he'd take it. For now, he did the giving and made sure Asha was able to feel every second of this. The pleasure and passion heating through them all.

And surprise. The shock of this lit through Sean but he had no will or desire to stop him. Fuck, he felt good. He wasn't sure how long he'd stay standing, knees giving a little as Mal worked him. He swore softly, unsure what to do with his hands and then when he decided to touch, Mal suddenly quit.

Rising to his feet, Mal pulled him forcefully to the bed, pushing him down and crawling over him, straddling his head which confused him for only a moment befire he realized what Mal intended. He'd never done this before but obediently opened his mouth letting Mal sink into his throat at the same time his Mate swallowed him down. He gagged for a moment, Mal shifting to make this easier for him, to allow him to adjust. To not penetrate so deeply. But soon Sean had sort of figured it out and a better rhythm was found, both men moaning as they pleasured one another until Sean spilled suddenly, coating Mal's throat.

The room spun wildly as Mal didn't relent, still taking his pleasure though Sean was spent. Mal swallowed and made sure to give him a few extra passes to tease his sensitive cock, loving how it made him lurch a little and inadvertently take him deeper. Finally, his own peak came and he thrust to a finish, a dominant streak in him refusing to pull out or offer him the chance to spit it out. He often did the same to Asha. Once sated he rolled off to one side, letting Sean catch his breath while he oriented himself the right way, drew him in for a kiss so they tasted themselves on each other's lips. "Love you," he murmured, amusement shot through his tone.

Sean wouldn't have been able to move away even if he wanted to. Asha handled him so gently relative to this. "Holy fuck," he murmured in response after catching his breath., slumped against Mal, held in his arms.

"You okay?" Mal asked though he wasn't too worried.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Just...fuck."

Mal grinned. That certainly stroked his ego. And feeling Asha's squirming jealousy was the cherry on top.

[shadocast]

Collared. Wolf suppressed. He thought they'd all been destroyed but maybe there existed more than just the ones that had held Jack's Pack.

They'd run to another town for supplies, a slightly larger one than their usual. Lucas had offered to go, to pick up the inventory for the infirmary, to brave the outside world for the first time in over a year. It made him nervous to get that close to Albuquerque but he was safe with the others. Or...he was supposed to be.

Now he was actually in Albuquerque, back in a familiar mansion, knelt naked on a familiar lush cushion, but now there would be no staggering out into the night deliriously high with a wad of cash. His collar was latched to a leash she held in her hand. And, while he hated the collar, it wasn't nearly as uncomfortable as the contraption between his legs that trapped him.

He'd fought so hard but he wasn't strong enough to hold off vampires. As they pinned him, his memory was cruel and surfaced to remind him of the night he met Reagan. How she asked him if he could handle it, pointing out that vampires were faster and stronger. He'd promised he could though it was obvious he couldn't. And he'd not done anything in his Reagan-granted freedom to improve his chances of survival. He'd tried training once with Andi, panicked and run away. He wished he'd tried harder.

There was nothing he could do now. He floated in a bitten high, docile on the surface while his anxiety and depression spiralled within him. He was Her pet now. A play thing. Lucas had hoped for a future thanks to Reagan and Tess. Had thought he'd found a home, a family. But there was no way she would risk the Pack for just one person. Not even him. This was his life now and he could only hope She would use him up quickly as punishment for running away from Her then throw away his body.

[shadocast]

Their son hadn't come home last night. The empty room triggered a panic in Evelyn that felt totally rational. A wave of paranoid nausea thinking maybe he'd been taken, too. She rushed to check on her children, stomach twisting in knots only to untie when she found them both asleep. Unharmed and untouched. A quick press on the Ether found the older Mal asleep as well. Asleep. Just not here.

Oh. Her heart broke. She choked on a sob standing in the doorway of her son's room, hand caught over her mouth so she didn't make any noise to wake him. She didn't understand how her beautiful, kind-hearted son has grown into something so cold.

She sank into quiet. Unusual for such a lively woman. The morning passed without much more than asking her Mate and son what they wanted for breakfast. If they wanted more. It wasn't until Mal asked to go outside and play did she seem to come alive again.

"No!" She snapped quickly, moving beyond him to lock the door. "Stay inside today," she added, softer. "Don't go anywhere without me or your dad, understand?"

Mal was shocked. Normally she shooed him out of the house to go play with his friends. He glanced at Kalen, dark eyes wide with confusion and a little fear. He didn't understand where this was coming from, why his mother was acting strange. "But--"

"No!" She interrupted.

He recoiled a little and sagged. "Okay," he conceded, obviously disappointed and making sure she knew it. He slid out of his chair and sulked the whole way to his room. Making a show of it especially as she followed him with Celeste in her arms. He wondered what had happened that was making her so mean.

[shadocast]

I am afraid. I am so afraid that my life is living me, and soon will be over, and not a moment of it will have been my own. And of how my body now tells me that is fine and right. 

[shadocast]

[shadocast]

Coyote is surprised by the temperature of the frozen water 😂😂

[shadocast]

She had introduced herself as his little sister. He already had one of those. She was not Nora. She was Reagan and Jack. Their daughter. Older than him now but younger than him in her timeline. Like he'd talked about with his mom.

That had been...difficult. Her telling him that they'd had a child and before she could use her next breath to assure him that changed nothing, he still felt that momentary punch of irrational fear and heartbreak. That still broken part of him thinking she would give him up soon. He was eighteen after all. An adult. Not actually her son. She had a Mate, a child of her own, a hope for more. Something he could see in her eyes, for that brief moment he'd looked, was desired.

But Reagan had been ready for that wild spike from him, knew it would come no matter how she phrased it, so the instant she felt his worry and sadness she was there. Arms around him, mind wrapping him up. All the love she had for him pressed into his soul. Banishing the dark thoughts. Still her boy. No matter what. No matter how old. Regardless of Jack or Olivia or anyone.

It helped. Instantly and overwhelmingly. His confidence restored and he settled right away. But still he wasn't brave enough to seek out Olivia right away. She had her Pack to attend to, her parents to connect with. Tess had him busy in the infirmary. He had himself busy everywhere else.

Until they bumped into each other in the kitchen this morning. He stared, awkward and struck by how...them she looked. She smiled gently, perhaps a little amused to see him at this age. Once the awkwardness broke, they sat at a table each with some food. Said hi. Small talk. She was friendly. Kind. Something he didn't totally expect from a soldier but then he'd not met an unkind person among them yet.

"Liv, can I...can I ask you something?" He was nervous to suggest it but she knew something he wanted to know.

"Of course."

"Am I...in the future, am I better?"

[shadocast]

Mal, being naturally introverted, didn't mind being alone. He also understood that Asha needed time. This latest proof that he wasn't what she actually wanted had been hard on them both. He felt a dull ache for her being pulled away from him. It was best he lay back down.

He shuffled back to the infirmary like a good patient, easing back onto the bed with sore muscles protesting and catching himself halfway through. He needed to shift. Push through and heal faster.

He eased himself onto the floor, taking a pillow with him. He pulled back from Asha as much as he could, the Pack in a way they could feel him but not this. Not how this would leave him in agony. He bit down on the pillow as he pulled on his wolf. Fire ripped through him, skin splitting open to spill blood on the floor. Shouts muffled through grit teeth into the pillow as bones snapped and reformed. Dark fur sprouting along his body, slick with blood on his belly. Demon damage took longer to heal and made the shift which should heal so much more painful. But it still healed if the wolf could tolerate it. He could. Again and again over an hour until he couldn't anymore, throat raw and hurting, his whole body ablaze with pain and his legs gave out.

The black wolf rolled onto his side, chest heaving, nose clogged with the scent of blood, vision hazy. He laid there for a long time, catching his breath and drifting in and out of sleep. Shuddering. Finally he dragged himself up on the bed clumsily, slumping over and passing out from exhaustion. He'd clean up the mess he made later.

[shadocast]

"Mum!" Fiona called out, excitement obvious in her tone as she burst into the house. "Mumma!"

"What?" Maeve called from upstairs.

"I found something! Come see!"

Maeve sighed. She was truly right in the middle of something but her daughter clearly had something she wanted to surprise her with. And she could use a break. She plodded down the stairs and then looked to her daughter curled up on the couch with something bundled in her arms.

Fiona beamed at her, holding the creature out like the newborn Simba. "It's a baby fox!" She squealed as the fox kit squirmed and fussed in her hands. Her smile faded. "The mum's dead. So was the other baby," she explained, heartbroken. "Can we keep it? She needs a family. I'll take care of her I swear!"

[shadocast]

At first Fiona had hated being left behind. Or, truthfully, she hated her family being split up. She had argued that they were always together. Always. But they didn't seem to understand. It took some time to get used to this, weeks rolling by with emotions heaving one way or the other. She knew she was trying her parents' patience with her, a part of her wanting to prove they didn't love her so she could go be with her brothers. This was all just...so hard. She knew they loved her. She loved them, too. But this place was hard. She didn't even know what to do with herself most days. Mostly she was reading or outside exploring.

She wandered further and further from the house each adventure. Just learning this place. There was really no danger here so she felt safe pushing going further and further. She explored the rims of the barrier, feeling the magic tickle along her fur. She met different animals that varied from the Pack dogs and cats to squirrels and raccoons. She'd never seen so many of these before. Never watched rose buds bloom over time. It was all so bright and beautiful.

Wasps were not beautiful. She'd learned that one today. Do not poke wasp nests. Her heart was pounding from the sprint she'd just taken but she was smiling, amused by her own stupidity. She had actually known better but didn't know for herself what would happen. Now she knew.

Her smile faded the instant before she fell asleep, a warm hand over her forehead, a strong body behind her. The scent recognized but not processed in time.

She was small. A lack of nutrients Gareth was sure. Despite everyone's best efforts to give her what she needed, poor resources were still poor resources. He hadn't yet decided what to do with the girl. If he'd torture her and leave pieces of her scattered around her mother's house or if he'd convert her. Either would be terrible for Maeve. The choice was his and if he'd let his softness for children win over his hate of Maeve. Quietly he slipped from the territory, headed for home with the girl tied up in the trunk.

[shadocast]

   something about her    touched what was left    of my humanity

[shadocast]

Something about his name had made them cold. He didn't understand what he'd done. The nine year old boy, far too skinny and dirty, was just grateful for the meal. They didn't have to keep him and he wasn't so sure he wanted to stay anymore. They'd put him in a room and left him there until a man he hadn't met yet came for him. He was familiar in some way. Gareth felt safe with him as he knelt before him, both hands on his arms. The man lead him out under the promise that he'd keep quiet, they were going to spy on the others because he could make them invisible.

But what he overheard made it difficult to be quiet. Panic building in him just as a warm hand slipped over his mouth and suddenly they were somewhere else. Wide, dark eyes looked up at the man. "Why do they want to kill me?" He asked brokenly, still unsure what he'd done to them.

"Because they're afraid of you," the man answered, sounding almost proud of it.

"B-but I didn't do anything to them!" Tears welled.

"No, of course you didn't. People fear what they don't understand. But I'm taking you to a place where that will never happen to you again. You'll have a home. You'll be safe," the man promised and it sounded so good to hear.

The boy just nodded, willing to trust a stranger if it meant a home again. He'd wandered alone forever, learning so quickly that no one truly cared. 'Poor boy', they'd say before they ran him off for begging. For taking up space.

The man smiled warmly and then suddenly they were in a new place again. A car waiting with a tall man and a boy about his age. Before he could ask about them, the first man was gone.

He shouldn't. He knew he should leave his existence a secret but their self-righteousness needed to be taken down a peg. Gareth appeared in the room near the door, a dark look on his face. They didn't know the boy, his younger self, was missing. Rescued from them.

"And you all called me the monster," he told them coldly, not lingering for a reaction.