shadowmonkstone

[shadowmonkstone]

We camped after that, turns out we need to find some more weapons like that axe if we’re reading the stained glass flooring right.

Don’t really care about that right now, I’m more worried about Kay. She said she was burning up again, that she was feeling worse.

Shit shit shit.

I need to find Dammon to help her and find him fast. FUCK. I’ve got tons of the metal, I just need his brain to kick into gear and work out what the fuck to do to help her.

I’m worried. Really fucking worried.

[shadowmonkstone]

Yeah, sorry about that, had a bit of a moment. Think this fucking brain worm is really starting to get to me. Fuck I wish I could find a way to speak to Prim.

I’ll worry about that later, so where was I? Oh yeah, we weren’t about to follow the Gith guards through the front door so we decided to poke around the ruins and try and find another way in.

First thing we came across was a Guardian of Faith guarding a pile of dead bodies. Turns out you can pray as much as you like but it won’t do shit for you when there’s a fire breathing dragon cooking you and your mates at the same time. Still, there was a shiny axe on the ground so we beat the Guardian and took it.

To be fair there were a few weapons lying around so we picked them all up. Lae’zel immediately started complaining about why we were carrying excess weight and inferior craftsmanship when we had perfectly good weapons already. I tried to explain the concept of fucking commerce and the need to sell shite for gold but it wasn’t sinking in. I swear she’s the most stubborn person I’ve ever met.

The bellyaching continued as we explored, saying that the Gith would have better weapons in the crèche for us to sell anyway blah blah blah. Anyway, we found our way to a room with a stained glass floor and I lost it with her. If it was so fucking important that we didn’t carry the weapons then I’d just leave ‘em here.

So I chucked the axe on a plinth thing and suddenly half the bloody room lit up!

Fuck me we’re on to something.

[shadowmonkstone]

Right then, after we chopped the old bird in half and pilfered her gear we found a cable car. I couldn’t get the mechanism to budge but Kay just walked up to it, gave it a yank and the fucking thing burst to life. At least I thought it did, I was too busy watching her back muscles do things to me….

Anyway, yeah, er, so we took the cable car down with Kay and Lae’zel bickering for the whole bloody journey. It’s so funny watching Kay take absolutely none of Lae’zel’s shit. I think I’m falling for her more and more each day.

Anyway, we got to the entrance of the Crèche, which is actually a ruined monastery for Lathander monks…who are obviously now all dead. Much like the fucking cultist gnomes murdered by the Gith guards. Well, the buggers that tried to run at least, the others were ‘escorted’ inside. Luckily we’d snuck out of sight so they didn’t see us.

Then that bloody artefact went nuts, speaking straight into my mind again, telling me it didn’t want to go inside the place. You know what? Fuck you. Fuck what you want, I’m still hurting over you pretending to be my mum, you colossal bellend.

FUCK.

YOU.

[shadowmonkstone]

Ok, ok, I’m calmer now.

Fuck me, that was something.

So we stumbled on this old warrior bird who’d set up camp near the Crèche. Why? Because some bellend in some society had asked her to steal a fucking Githyanki egg to see if the kid was raised in a ‘civilised’ culture it wouldn’t be as violent as other Gith.

Let me tell you, there’s nothing fucking civilised about a society that steal babies.

Anyway, Lae’zel took umbrage at this and the old bat was immediately faced with the pointy end of her sword. I was pretty pissed off too, I know what it’s like to not know who your parents are. Been searching for my mum my whole life and…fuck. Yeah. I wasn’t going to let some tosser conduct a stupid experiement on a fucking baby.

I told her to go fuck herself, politely, which was my attempt at persuading her to piss off.

Of course, my version of persuasion and Lae’zel’s version of persuasion are pretty fucking different and before I knew it the old battleaxe had her sword drawn and came at us.

I was about to knock her out with a punch but…

Lae’zel chopped her in half.

And then in half again for good measure.

I think Lae’zel let out another one of those scary kinky moans too. It doesn’t exactly help the ‘Gith love fucking violence’ stereotype one bit when she does.

And now onto the Crèche.

Fuck. Me.

[shadowmonkstone]

Fuck.

We just killed an old lady.

And by killed I mean murdered.

Maybe manslaughter…or womanslaughter, I don’t fucking know.

All I know is she came at us with a sword and now she’s dead.

Fuck.

[shadowmonkstone]

Right, so, after we’d all recovered from the Mushroom King’s party and a night of revelations we headed back to Grymforge to have a poke around.

Place was fucking deserted, and I mean not a single soul was there. No Duegar, no Elves, no fucking gnomes either. Absolutely empty. All we found were some skeletons in Sharran armour, which we’ll lug back to camp for Shadowheart, and that was it.

I mean, there was a pile of rubble that looked like it could be moved if we’d had a few Oxes with us but otherwise..? Nothing.

This was, of course, the perfect excuse for Lae’zel to declare that she was ready to visit the Githyanki Crèche and see with her own eyes just how fucked up everything was.

Naturally, we agreed, because none of us want to be impaled on the end of her big, fuck-off sword.

[shadowmonkstone]

Fucking hell, I hope I get to see Prim again someday. I’m bloody missing her.

I’ll find my way back somehow.

[shadowmonkstone]

Oh yeah, forgot to say that I told Astarion about the hunter who had been sent by this Cazador bloke.

Turns out that was the vampire that turned Astarion into a blood sucker in the first place. Fuck me you should’ve seen the hostility that came out. Astarion clearly fucking hates this guy, really bloody resents him. Apparently these Gur hunters are the ones that caused Astarion to be a bloody vampire in the first place.

So I said to Astarion he was safe and he just laughed at me. This Cazador bastard sounds fearsome.

Then a little later I saw him looking in a mirror, or at least trying to. Said he couldn’t remember the colour of his eyes before being turned into a vampire.

Poor bastard.

[shadowmonkstone]

I’ll be honest, all I want is one night at camp with Kay that doesn’t get interrupted while we talk dirty to each other.

But no.

Turns out Shadowheart is a fully paid up Sharran nutter, and as soon as she told me that mark on her hand zapped her. Apparently pain is sacred or something, kinky bitch. Anyway, I asked her about it and she told me some bollocks about it being a burden from her goddess.

Fuck that, what sort of goddess hurts their faithful?

I offered to help, but there’s not much I can do.

I feel bad for her.

[shadowmonkstone]

Took Nere’s head back to the Mushroom King.

He was happy as fuck and him and his people started dancing.

I promise I’m not high.

…Well..maybe a little…Woohoo!

[shadowmonkstone]

Forgot to say that after we dealt with that wanker Nere, we freed the Gnome slaves. I don’t care what anyone fucking says, slavery is wrong and you’re never going to convince me otherwise. They were all bloody grateful too, with one bloke and his husband promising to meet up with us in Baldur’s Gate.

We also met the Gnome off the windmill again too, seems that bugger has a knack for finding trouble. Anyway, we agreed to free his mate from Moonrise Towers because, of course, everything if fucking happening in Moonrise Towers and told him to rest up in our camp.

Then he started blabbering on about Runepowder. Ha! Little scamp thinks it’s real so I humoured him. Barcus - that’s the gnome’s name - is convinced the Ironhand Gnomes have if but he’s buggered is he knows what they’re planning to blow the fuck out of.

As long as it’s not me, Kay, Prim or anyone else I care about then I’m pretty relaxed to be honest. Probably be funny as fuck to be fair.

[shadowmonkstone]

Yep, I was fucking right. I’m covered in Duegar blood.

And, also, the blood of Nere. Who - and I’m going to choose my words carefully here - is…WAS…a cunt of the highest bloody order. Mushroom King was right, only ten seconds with the bastard and I wanted to cut his fucking head off.

How do I know that? Well, it wasn’t long after taking the rest that we found out Nere was stuck behind a cave in. I don’t know how he caused it but some bastard Duegar had lined up their gnome slaves to try and dig him out. But… it turned out some of the Duegar were pissed off with Nere too and, much like the Mushroom King, wanted him dead too. So I made a deal, when it all kicks off we’d fight together and split the spoils.

So I pretend to help and free Nere by blowing up the cave in and letting him out. This is when I found out what a colossal bellend he was, because the first thing he did was push a gnome into the lava! Wanker.

That was all the prompting I needed to get stuck in so we fucked him, and all his mates up. With the help of our new Duegar buddies.

Lae’zel naturally did the honours and cut Nere’s bastard head off, which I found bloody satisfying let me tell you.

Which worries me to be honest, I’m not the head chopping-off type. I’m going to blame the fucking parasite.

[shadowmonkstone]

Fuck me. That was something.

So… we found a boat and surprise, sur-fucking-prise we jumped on and sailed down the underdark river because why not?

And, while we sailing blindly into the fucking dark another boat shows up full of fucking Duegar. Apparently we’re in the boat of the Duegar we killed for the Mushroom King, and the other Duegar are not very happy about this.

So I told them to go and fuck themselves with an oar.

This went down about as well as you might expect and now they’re all dead. At least I think they are, we shoved a few of them into the river. I think the short-arses all sank.

Next thing I know we’re sailing up to an old temple that’s over-run by, you fucking guessed it, True Soul Duegar. We blagged our way in and after a history lesson with one of them we got some more infernal metal!

Kay didn’t say anything but she gave my arse a quick squeeze, so I know she’s happy about it.

We’re going to have a short rest then see what else is going on here.

Ten gold says we’ll be covered in Duegar blood before the day is through.

[shadowmonkstone]

Could we have just one peaceful night at camp so Kay and I can actually spend some fucking time together please? Fuck me.

So yeah, tried to sleep but Gale needed to eat another bloody magic item. I gave him a dagger, much to Astarion’s horror. Gale ate it and said it didn’t work. I could fucking feel Astarion burning the words ‘I told you so, you phenomenally ungrateful slime’ into my back with his gaze.

Tosser.

Anyway, turns out before all of this kicked off, Gale was shagging Mystra. Yeah, THAT Mystra. Goddess of all magic and lover of bearded weirdos.

Aside from being a very dirty boy, Gale wanted to up his kinky game and went off searching for a book of all magic power or something, I wasn’t paying much attention.

Long story, short; the book fucked him up and now he has to eat magic stuff to survive. If he doesn’t eat then he’ll explode and kill all of us.

Fucking great.

He offered to leave like a bloody martyr but I told him no. If Astarion the fucking vampire who we’ve kept hidden from the hunters stays, if Lae’zel and Shadowheart who want to murder each other stay, then he fucking stays too.

Once the tadpoles are out then we can all bugger off and do our own thing. Until then, we’re a fucking team and now I sound like Timmy One Bollock giving a motivational fucking speech none of us want to fucking listen to.

If that’s not a sign I’m too bloody tired, I don’t know what is.

I’m going to see if Kay’s awake. Night.

[shadowmonkstone]

Right, so we rescued that dwarf from the poison field by chucking him a scroll of misty step. Missus Dwarf seemed equal parts happy and pissed off that he was back, which is probably a good sign.

Anyway we then went back out to find these Duegar who, more accurately, found us. At least the wankers thought they did, we can smell a fucking ambush a mile off.

Now they’re dead wankers.

Mushroom King was happy with this and unlocked his reward room, but not before he’d told us about a Drow called Nere that he wants dead too. Greedy bugger, talk about job creep.

Still, he seems pretty decent and this Nere bloke is one of those Absolute-humpers so we’ll do it.

Oh, and the reward room?

There was a book there which was porn on the outside and how to forge Adamantine on the inside.

Shame really, would have preferred the porn for some ideas for me and Kay. Not to mention it would make Prim blush when I take it back to Neverwinter.

I’m starting to really miss her, she’d be much better at knowing what to do. I’m just stumbling from one slaughter to the next.

[shadowmonkstone]

So we decided to keep the Mushroom King happy and set off to find these Duegar buggers who’d been killing their people.

Thing is, we didn’t find any. Instead we found these fucking massive birds with hooks for hands that look like bloody horrors from your worst nightmares. Fortunately, I’ve got a pair of murder-machines travelling with me and between Kay, me, Lae’zel and Wyll we put the buggers down.

There was even a Drow hiding out with them, crazy bastard attacked us too so we did the only thing a group of responsible adventurers with tadpoles in their brains could do in that situation.

We lopped his fucking head off.

Well, Lae’zel did, and judging my the moan she let out killing people turns her on.

She is a fucking scary woman, let me tell you.

Anyway, the Drow had a note on him about a forge that could make some good gear, so that’s something to keep an eye on. We also found a tree for the OTHER fucking blacksmith’s plans, so we’ve ripped some of the bark off, just in case.

Long story short: no Duegar, killed some fucking monsters, going to head back to the Mushroom King and try again in the…hang on, I think that’s the bloke who went off searching for a mushroom and his Missus can’t find him.

Stupid bugger’s got himself stuck in some poison plant field.

Fuck me…

[shadowmonkstone]

Right, I’m fucking sober now I promise.

Spoke to the King of the Mushroom People, calls himself Sovereign and…

…I am NOT still high. I know you think I am, but I’m not.

The Mind Flayer botanist is real too, just in case you were wondering.

Anyway, fucks sake, the mushroom people are being hunted by Duegar, so we’re going to hunt the Duegar back.

Kay and Lae’zel are licking their lips at the prospect and Wyll is ready to help the downtrodden mushroom people because that’s what gets him off.

Well, that and horny vampires.

…I promise I’m not high.