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Another failure but its ok. I dont regret

So in 2018, I was in a relationship with S. Someone that I thought I would marry with. I was so happy and so in love. I finally found the love of my life. We started dating on Nov,2017. Everything went well until June,2018. He wanted to break up with because he said he wanted to focus on himself. I didnt believe it. I was in denial. I asked him to stay and told him that I would change. He refused. He mentioned that he had a bad experienced with his long term ex. I asked him whether he still loves her or not. He said he was not sure. I asked him to get back to her if he loves her and surprisingly he said SHE WONT WANTS ME BACK IF I ASK HER! My heart broke into a million pieces. I couldnt believe it that he said that. So yeah we broke up. It was hard for me to move on. We still kept in touch after that. But everytime we tried to talk to each other, we ended up arguing. He wanted to be friends only but I didnt want. So he suggested that we should stop talking to each other. 

A week passed by, he messaged me and asked “how are you? its ok if u dont want to reply”. Well, i loved him so much. Of coz i replied to his text. We talked again. I brought up again the topic of us back together. He said no. So hell yeah, we stop talking again. It became a pattern. Every week the same thing happened. To the point, i fed up. I didnt reply to his text. He messaged me for straight 3 days and said “ You really dont want to talk to me anymore”. Of coz, me being stupid. I replied. Hahahaha. For 3 months, we kept doing this to each others. Both of us were being toxic. I blamed myself also. Its not 100% his fault. 

3 months passed by, I asked him again that we should be back again. Yeah it was me again that asked him. You can see that I was so desperate. He agreed. Yeah finally!!!!!!! But things didn’t work out well. He was still confused after that. Sometimes, he loved me sometimes he didn’t. I was so heartbroken. I felt like I forced him to love him. Months passed by, I started to feel fed up. I thought maybe we should just stay friends. When I was about to change my mind, he started to love me again. He changed. I could see he really tried his best to love me.

Both of us were madly in love. I asked him “ You removed me from your instagram. Can we follow each other back?” and he said “ No. Please I want to have a healthy relationship. We shouldn’t follow each other”. I was okay with that. Maybe he was right. Months passed by I asked him to introduce me to his friends and family because no one knew about us. He said he wanted to keep it private. He said I will introduce you to them when we are about to get married but not now. I agreed with that.

I was less busy in 2019, because  I quit my previous job and stated to do freelance. We met very frequent. At least once a week. I fell in love with him even more. After we back together, everything was different. I was so madly in love with him and I never want to lose him anymore. 

All that didn’t last long. Both of us started to drift apart due to our jobs. I told him that I wont be able to meet him for at least a month. He was okay with that and asked me to focus on work. As he wanted to focus on his job as well.

Even tho we were busy, we still messaged each other everyday. I missed him every single day. My love for him was even stronger. I couldn’t wait to finish my project. I counted every single day. A week before I flew to Shanghai was when he started to change. He didnt message me much. I know he was busy. I tried to understand him.

So I went to Shanghai to finish off my project. The 2nd day I was there, he texted me and said he wanted to break up. I was in front of the pc and tried to be cool. I was speechless but I tried not to cry because I didnt want to cry in front of everyone. After I finished my job, I went back to my room. I cried in the toilet. I told him if this is what he wants then I respect his decision.  

2 days later, he messaged me and asked me “ Are u ok?” . I didn’t reply because I was still in Shanghai. After spent 4days 3 nights in Shanghai, I finally went back home. I was so tired. I rested for 2 days. I finally replied to his text. I told him about how I felt. He said  he was sorry but he said he didnt love me as much as before. But he told me “ I sayang you sangat” . Eh babi btl, confused kan aku lagi. 

So we agreed not to talk to each other until I am ok. Hmmm.. Guess what? within 1 month after we broke up, he got himself a new girlfriend. Hahahahaha..Babi kan? How did I know? oh well. I am good at stalking people. I just googled his name in twitter and it popped out. His twitter is private but his friends are not. So kantoi lah and also he changed his twitter DP to the photo of him and his gf. Ah tu lagi aku sakit hati. Dengan aku dulu, sorang pon dia x nak bg tahu. Semua orang ingat dia single. Bagi alasan then aku bodoh percaya. 

So yeah I dont know when they are together. It could be when he was with me or after. Tapi confirm dia announced kan kat semua orang. Siap tukar dp bagai. 

2 months later, I messaged him and asked him. He said yes he has someone else. And he said ‘Im sorry’. fuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh rasa macam being used and betrayed. 

For now, I just wish to forget and forgive him. I just want to move on. Thats all I want. I know I can do it! Fuh what a loooooooooong story. Fiqa, I know you can do it!

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Lombok Indonesia, 2014

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all by myself. clean and alone

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the workers

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give me a light to show myself. not my silhouette only 

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let my foots do the talking . taken by film camera pentax k1000

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so this is my first time taking photo with a film camera with the help of my friend. 

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untitled by Aziz_Abdul on Flickr.

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so today i finally taking pictures with a film camera but the picture above is taken with my dslr nikon. I will only know the result until next week. keep my finger crossed! 

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your works are awesome to the max!!! =D

may i know what type of film camera you are using? :)

Hi, I mainly use my Minolta XD 5!

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I was a chubby kid but still cute tho

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Im off to bed.. Goodnight

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Please give me some love 😁

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to see more of my artworks please go to my behance 

https://www.behance.net/shafiqahbay

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So yesterday(Saturday) my crazy friends(toa) and I went to trampoline jumpstreet at PJ. It was damn good. Its not expensive and really worth my money but i didn't get to play at 2 jump spots because the queue lines were too long but Im still happy :)

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me experimenting my 85mm f1.4!

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WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET?

japan!!!!!!