shamelesslovercloud

[shamelesslovercloud]

Hai,

Aku menulis ini bukan untuk menyalahkan, apalagi berharap kau kembali. Aku hanya sedang membereskan hati yang terlalu lama menggenggam sesuatu yang tak lagi ingin tinggal.

Kamu pergi tanpa kabar, tanpa pamit. Awalnya aku menunggu — mencoba kuat, meyakinkan diri ini hanya sementara. Tapi hari-hari terus berlalu dan kamu tetap diam.

Dari semua yang tersisa, aku belajar: tidak semua yang kita jaga akan tetap tinggal. Tidak semua yang kita cinta akan memilih kita juga.

Kini aku tidak lagi memaksa, karena mencintaimu juga mengajarkanku tentang ikhlas. Tentang melepaskan, bahkan saat hati masih ingin menggenggam.

Terima kasih.

Karena tanpamu, aku tidak akan tahu betapa kuatnya diriku saat harus belajar kehilangan… dan tetap berjalan.

—Hilang

[shamelesslovercloud]

Aku mencintaimu

seperti hujan yang tak henti memeluk bumi,

meski tak pernah ditanya,

“Apakah kau lelah?”

Aku hadir di setiap senyummu,

menggenggam luka diam-diam,

menyulam harap dari sisa perhatian

yang kau beri tanpa hati.

Kau di sana—

seperti bayang yang selalu ada,

tapi tak pernah benar-benar tinggal.

Aku menunggu,

padahal tak pernah dijanjikan.

Aku setia,

meski tak pernah diminta.

Aku mencinta,

meski hanya aku yang merasa.

Jika cinta adalah dua jiwa yang saling berpeluk,

maka aku ini siapa?

Sekadar peluk yang menggantung di udara,

mengharap balas yang tak kunjung tiba.

—Hilang

[shamelesslovercloud]

Di antara kenangan yang aku simpan rapat,

Ada kita, yang pernah begitu utuh,

Tapi kini, aku berdiri sendiri,

Ditemani keraguan yang menghantui setiap langkah.

Kau yang dulu aku anggap rumah,

Sekarang berubah menjadi bayang-bayang yang menjauh,

Aku tahu, perasaan ini tak semudah kata maaf,

Namun, aku ingin belajar menerima,

Meski hati ini masih tergores,

Dan waktu, tak lagi bisa menghapus semuanya.

Kita pernah berjanji,

Untuk saling menjaga, untuk saling percaya,

Namun, hidup tak selalu berjalan sesuai rencana,

Aku yang dulu begitu percaya, kini belajar berdiri sendiri.

Jika ini jalan terbaik,

Aku ingin kita pergi dengan damai,

Tidak ada kebencian, hanya luka yang perlahan sembuh,

Aku akan mencari cara untuk memaafkan,

Bukan hanya untukmu, tapi untuk diriku sendiri,

Agar aku bisa melangkah, meski tanpa kamu di sampingku.

—Hilang

[shamelesslovercloud]

... lantas bagaimana cara menghubungi rindu jika telah sepakat menjauh? Apakah benar disana langitmu biru, sebab disini abu-abu?

[shamelesslovercloud]

Biarlah seperti awal yang tak pernah saling mengenal, dan tetaplah asing sehingga semuanya memudar. Bahkan jika semesta kembali mempertemukan, aku akan tetap menghindar.

[shamelesslovercloud]

Narasi harian, hari 58.

Nabire, 28 Maret 2025.

Aku menulisnya untuk menjaganya dalam kenanganku.

Aku khawatir akan melupakan semua itu di masa tuaku nanti.

Aku ingin tetap mengingat dan bernostalgia tentangnya.

Aku menulisnya untuk menyimpan kenangan itu.

Maaf.

[shamelesslovercloud]

aku melabuhkan kerelaan pada pintamu yang senyap. di antara doaku yang ragu, kini ia menjadi pinta yang bisu. berbohong aku jika kusebut aku berhenti menginginkanmu, namun berdusta pula aku jika kukatakan aku masih mengharapkanmu.

aku sudah membuka mata melebihi kau meminta. aku sudah berjalan jauh melebihi kau memberi tanda. aku sudah menyerah bahkan dalam doa paling hening kepada sang pencipta, tapi aku tetaplah tawanan dari cinta yang tak semestinya.

melebihi kau, aku yang paling banyak berharap sekarang, semoga aku bisa lupa. bahkan jika tuhan berkenan, tak hanya pada kenangan tapi juga kepada nama; kau yang masih dengan sialnya menjadi degupan.

[shamelesslovercloud]

Wajah teduhnya itu merobek habis duniaku. Bagaimana bisa semesta mengirimnya hanya untuk menghancurkanku saja🥀

[shamelesslovercloud]

Jika ada sedikit waktumu untuk kembali.

Sesekali mampirlah untuk menjenguk seseorang yang hancur tanpamu ini.

[shamelesslovercloud]

Baginya itu hanyalah sebuah kesalahan. Tapi bagiku itu adalah trauma yang harus aku jalani seumur hidupku.

[shamelesslovercloud]

Kata siapa mencintai seseorang yang tidak bisa dimiliki itu hanya dongeng dan omong kosong?

Sini duduk bersamaku dan akan kuceritakan padamu setulus apa aku mencintai & menyayanginya..

[shamelesslovercloud]

A Letter to Self

Dear Future Me,

As I write this letter, my mind drifts to the deepest recesses of what it means to live a life of true meaning. Right now, I stand on the edge of the unknown, with a vision in my heart and a longing for something that feels both timeless and elusive. I feel the urgency of the moment, but also the understanding that this is not just a race to accomplish, but a journey of becoming.

I do not know where I will be when you read this letter, but I know that you are the culmination of all the choices I make today. The person you have become is the result of the small, quiet moments of reflection, the moments of profound silence, and the decisions to push through even when I felt lost. I hope you have not lost touch with the essence of who you are, for the journey ahead is not just about what we achieve, but about the way we evolve at the deepest level.

Health: A Sacred Vessel for the Soul At the core of my being is the understanding that health is not just the absence of illness but a sacred vessel that supports the unfolding of my purpose. It is not simply about eating the right foods or maintaining a routine; it is about honoring the very body that houses my soul. I feel an increasing awareness that health is intertwined with spiritual vitality—that what I feed my body, mind, and spirit creates the energy from which all else flows. I have worked to care for my body as an act of reverence, to move with intention, to breathe deeply, and to eat with gratitude. Yet, I know that true health goes beyond the physical. It lies in accepting my vulnerabilities, in cultivating emotional resilience, and in nurturing the peace within.

I hope that, by the time you read this, you have transcended the common notion of health. Have you come to understand that true vitality is a sacred alignment of the physical, mental, and spiritual planes? Do you still honor your body with the same reverence that you once set as your intention? Health is a daily commitment to being whole in every aspect of yourself, and I trust that you’ve continued to care for your vessel with the wisdom that only deep reflection and experience can bring.

Creativity: The Expression of the Soul's Truth Creativity, for me, has become something far deeper than simply producing. It has become the expression of my soul's truth. Every word I write, every brushstroke I make, every idea I birth is not just a reflection of what I know, but a reflection of who I am. I’m no longer driven by the desire to merely create for recognition or external approval, but because it is through creation that I remember myself—the raw, untamed essence of my being.

I’ve come to see creativity as an act of surrender—to let go of control and allow the work to emerge from the deepest recesses of my heart. The journey of creativity has shown me that vulnerability is at its core, and it is only by being authentically exposed that I can produce something that truly resonates. I have faced the fear of judgment, the self-doubt that lingers like a shadow, but through it all, I have learned that creativity is not about perfection—it is about truth. The truth of who I am, in each moment, in each breath.

Have you, by now, been able to create freely, without the weight of self-imposed expectations? Have you allowed yourself to simply create for the sake of being rather than doing? I trust that by now, your creative spirit has transcended the confines of the mind and entered into the realm of pure expression, where the boundaries between creator and creation no longer exist. May you be forever unafraid to express what lives in the deepest places of your soul, regardless of the outcome, for in that expression lies your freedom.

Long-Term Vision: The Pursuit of Meaning Beyond Success When I look into the future, I don’t see a destination as much as I see a continuous unfolding. The world speaks of success, wealth, and status as though they are the ultimate goals of life, but I have come to realize that they are mere illusions compared to the true purpose of living. My vision is not simply to achieve, but to become. To become the person who is not just successful by external measures, but fulfilled at the deepest level. My goal is to live a life of meaning, one in which I serve not from a place of obligation, but from a place of love, generosity, and purpose.

This vision is not limited to material goals; it extends into the realm of soulful abundance—a life lived with presence, awareness, and a deep commitment to contributing something of real value to the world. I understand that I am not just here to exist but to leave a legacy—not one of grand monuments or accolades, but one of quiet impact, where the ripples of my actions touch lives in ways I may never fully see.

Have you reached a place where your vision is no longer shaped by what others expect but by the pull of your own heart? Have you found the courage to pursue a life that feels aligned with your soul’s deepest desires, regardless of how unconventional it may appear to others? I trust that you are living in harmony with your truth, and that your work, whatever it may be, is not just fulfilling but deeply connected to the greater good. In your daily actions, do you embody the very values you hold dear? I hope so. For success is not measured by what we accumulate, but by the love and light we bring into the world.

Facing the Abyss: The Inner Journey of Transformation The most profound aspect of my life’s journey is perhaps the one that is the most difficult to articulate—the internal transformation that takes place beneath the surface. This journey is not always visible to others, and sometimes, it is not even visible to me. But I know that this transformation is real. It is the shift from fear to courage, from lack to abundance, from confusion to clarity. It is the process of shedding old identities, beliefs, and limitations that no longer serve my highest self.

In these moments, when the world feels like it is crumbling or when doubt and fear grip my heart, I remember that true growth comes from surrendering—surrendering to the uncertainty of life, to the knowing that I do not have all the answers, and that I am not meant to. I have learned that trusting the process is the key to peace, and that in the darkest moments, there is always light waiting to emerge.

Have you fully surrendered to the unfolding of life, knowing that everything, even the most painful moments, is part of the grand design? Have you accepted that the challenges you’ve faced are not obstacles to overcome, but the very soil from which your wisdom and growth have sprouted? I trust that you’ve learned to let go of all that no longer serves you and embraced the unfolding of your true self, free from attachment to outcomes.

Relationships: The Sacred Dance of Connection The relationships I hold closest to my heart are the ones that remind me of who I am and why I’m here. These connections are not defined by superficial exchanges, but by the deep, sacred bond that exists between two souls. I’ve learned that love is not just an emotion, but a sacred act of vulnerability, a constant flow of giving and receiving, where both individuals are free to be their most authentic selves.

In these relationships, I have come to understand the importance of both self-love and love for others. I cannot truly love others if I do not first love and honor myself. This is a profound truth that continues to unfold. Have you, by now, mastered the art of presence—of truly being with others in moments of silence, joy, and grief? Have you let go of expectations and embraced the beauty of unconditional love? I trust that you have nurtured your relationships with the depth, care, and love they deserve.

The Unfolding Journey I cannot know exactly what the future holds. But I do know this: I am here to become. To evolve. To step into the fullest expression of my soul's purpose. This journey is not about destination, but about becoming more authentically me with every step I take. I trust that wherever you are, you are living in alignment with this deep truth.

May you look back with gratitude for the pain and the joy, for all that has shaped you into who you are today. And as you move forward, may you do so with courage, faith, and a deep, unshakable knowing that you are exactly where you need to be.

With all my love, faith, and trust in the unfolding of your journey,

Sincerely Yours

[shamelesslovercloud]

"Nak, memang tidak semuanya harus berbalas..."

Tak semua senandung harus menemui gema, tak semua seruan akan dibalas oleh gaung yang merdu. Ada doa yang terbang tinggi, memecah langit dengan rindu, namun layu sebelum sempat mencapai singgasana-Nya. Ada pinta yang mengalir, lembut seperti sungai, namun tenggelam di pusaran sunyi yang tak berbatas. Maka tidakkah kau mengerti? Tidak semua yang kita titipkan pada malam, akan sampai pada bintang.

Kita ini, makhluk yang menabur harap seperti petani menebar benih di ladang yang asing. Tapi apakah setiap bibit mesti tumbuh? Tidak semua tanah ramah, tidak semua musim bersahabat. Ada yang jatuh di tanah tandus, diserap oleh hampa, lalu menguap menjadi angin tanpa arah.

Dan bukankah hujan pun tak selalu menjadi berkah? Di tempat yang kering, ia adalah nyawa. Namun, di bumi yang telah basah, ia bisa menjadi beban. Begitu pula doa, ia tak selalu menjelma jawaban. Kadang, ia hanya menjadi riak kecil di lautan takdir, tak cukup kuat untuk mengubah arus.

Tuhan, yang Maha Mendengar, kadang memilih diam, bukan karena lupa, tapi karena tahu. Ia tahu kapan kita perlu dilimpahi, kapan kita mesti belajar kekurangan. Sebab, tidak semua kehilangan adalah celah, dan tidak semua penolakan adalah luka.

Maka, jika pinta kita seperti embun yang terhapus mentari sebelum sempat menyentuh bumi, mungkin bukan karena ia sia-sia, melainkan karena Tuhan sedang menyusun hujan di waktu yang lebih tepat. Jika doa kita seperti burung yang terbang, hilang di cakrawala tanpa arah, mungkin ia sedang mencari sarang yang lebih baik untuk hinggap.

Tidak semua yang tak berbalas adalah penolakan. Kadang, ia adalah cara semesta mengajarkan ikhlas tanpa syarat, dan keyakinan tanpa perhitungan. Sebab, cinta yang tulus pun tak selalu harus diterima. Dan di situlah, manusia belajar bahwa berharap adalah seni mencintai, bahkan ketika jawaban tak pernah datang.

[shamelesslovercloud]

439

If only I knew;

loving you harder wouldn’t change a thing.

[shamelesslovercloud]

Bisakah novembersamamu kembali lagi ?

[shamelesslovercloud]

Kau akan tetap menjadi rahasia kebahagiaan hatiku, tanpa ada seorangpun yang tahu🥀

-hanya kita berdua yang tahu🥰

[shamelesslovercloud]

Bahagiamu jauh lebih berarti. Itulah sebabnya, aku memilih melepaskanmu lalu berjalan menapaki tiap langkah perjalananku sendiri.

@hardkryptoniteheart || 21/10/2024 || 09:22 ||