shannesruins - Tumblr blog

[shannesruins]

ZENDAYA, JOSH O'CONNOR and MIKE FAIST in CHALLENGERS (2024, dir. Luca Guadagnino)

[shannesruins]

It's the technopop score that did it for me. How can Luca Guadagnino turn tennis into a homoerotica is one of the greatest mystery in motion picture's history.

Also, Zendaya.

[shannesruins]

My baby boo turns two 🥰

[shannesruins]

Is it time? Have I done enough?

Let it hurt, then let it heal.

[shannesruins]

May kwento ako.

A few weeks ago, I bought a new phone since basag basag na yung gamit ko. I haven't had the chance to transfer all the files yet so I'm still using both phones.

Today as I scroll through my old phone, I discovered that I have hidden notes pala on my notes app. It has been a year since the last time I added on that collection and quite honestly, I have forgotten that I wrote those.

This was a note I wrote back when I was still dating my ex. November 2022, we just had a heated argument over an unreturned message. Back then, I was working freelance and mostly out of town. There have been days that cellular connection is rare to find, but most of the time I was just too busy to reply. I know I tried my best to make my ex feel secured in our relationship, but maybe it was not enough.

Maybe one "Good morning" could've changed everything.

Maybe one "Good night" could've made her stay.

Maybe if I replied that day, instead of choosing to reply at a later time, she wouldn't have found someone else to return her messages.

Maybe one "I love you," or one "I miss you," could've made her feel more cherished.

Though cheating on me will never be justified with all these maybe's, I guess it's time to accept that I am partly to blame for what went down, and why we ended the way we ended. I still have a vivid recollection of that day, when she told me that she cheated and my whole world fell apart. There was desperation in my voice as I asked - begged - her to stay. Tears started to form at the sides of her eyes as she told me that she still loves me but she's in love with someone else.

I'll never get over that pain.

I wrote two poems for her, both professing my love and admiration. Something I wish I didn't do for her because I couldn't do it for anyone else. She fell for me because I'm an artist, and a writer. But the funny thing is that she became the irony of it all. She was my muse that I painted in my happiest, and the subject of the poems I wrote in my saddest.

She took away the smile that only she was able to give me. And though I try my hardest, I still think of the joy she brought in my life.

It's been a year since the last time I added on my hidden notes. The last one being a voice note. I listened to the voice that couldn't get her words straight. She was drunk. She was sobbing heavily. She was asking why she was left alone by the person she called home. She was me a year ago.

It was a heartbreak that I couldn't share. Apart from my ego being shattered to pieces, I couldn't bear the thought of anyone having a distorted perspective of my ex, or of the love that we shared. I simply am too scared of being viewed as the victim, or my ex being viewed as anything but decent.

This was the last photo I saw of us in my old phone. It was taken on her birthday in 2022. The rest of our photographs have been deleted, as far as I can tell. And maybe my phone's screen being shattered was the universe's way of telling me to get rid of everything and anything that reminds me of our contribution to each other's lives.

To you,

I do not wish to remain burdened in the ways that I felt betrayed. But I do not long for your return. May you remember me as someone who loved you in ways untold, as I remember all the beautiful things that you were when you were mine.

I've loved you but I deserved more. This is me letting go of all the roads that lead to you and focusing on myself, and the people who choose to stay. This is me finally closing the chapter of my life that included you.

[shannesruins]

Lately ang dami kong frustrations that I want to vent out pero madalas nafifeel ko na tumatanda na ko and I don't want to make kalat on the internet or even within my friend group. My mind has been restless pero it's better than maging toxic ako diba? Haha. Ewan.

[shannesruins]

Try again

[shannesruins]

The past two weeks have seriously been stressful. The mounting work load I have is no longer something I can laugh about. It has been constantly keeping me at night and even haunt me in my dreams. Hahaha chariz lang.

Best friend asked me out for "coffee" today. Coffee being the code for "I miss you, let's hang out but not have coffee because we both had too much of it already."

We met at Jaime Velasquez Park in Salcedo then had lunch at Kite Kebab Bar. We both ordered Kebab, Pita and Hummus, and Mango Shake (if you still haven't figured it out, it's my favorite 😅) The place also have real good ambiance, or maybe because it was 2pm and we were the only customers dining.

We wanted to try the cafe beside it and have real coffee. Upon getting to ODD Cafe, may pop up art mart pala that's happening so instead of getting coffee, we ended up spending on stickers 😁

[shannesruins]

[shannesruins]

romantic lover

[shannesruins]

[shannesruins]

Mt. Tapulao, Zambales

MASL 2037

Took about 14 hours (8 hours hike going up, 6 hours going back to base) and we did zero research, expecting it to be a quick day hike hahahaha. Packed lunch was nothing but skyflakes and a can of tuna that we split between us.

Was indeed a muddy adventure. Although I would never do this again, glad to have experienced this still.

[shannesruins]

[shannesruins]

[shannesruins]

04.05.24 | Gloria Maris Greenhills

Celebrated my brother's 24th birthday. Food was good. As a dumplings girlie, syempre my favorite is the Xiao long bao hehe. Liked the ambiance and the interiors kaso ang tagal ng service, nagutom ako haha.

[shannesruins]

I like the color of your blog

Uyyy, checked your blog hehe. Do we have the same colors ba 😅

[shannesruins]

Tangina lang yung susubukin ang pasensya mo tapos yung angry version mo yung nagiging "true color". Di wow.