sharingtheprocess

[sharingtheprocess]

I always think of gender as a performance but what else do I perform?

Random reflection: my internship had this disability justice training and we spoke about performance & the way performativity has grown to have a negative connotation. Shortly after we were encouraged to push back on the dismissal of performance- because what is performance but becoming? trying? The facilitator said "we must all perform or values, practices, and self until the performance becomes embodied..." and I loved that

Hi everyone :) I'm back again to share about how things are going in Brasil. It's officially been a little over two months and naming that still feels weird to me. It does not feel like two months have passed but I also can't think of a better number?? I just know that I've been here. Even though it's winter & I've been dealing with the sun setting much earlier, it still feels like each day is longer than in the states. I'm starting to write this now on a Tuesday and I can't believe it's only Tuesday.

I'm happy to say I'm feeling a lot better. I'm still not conversational in Portuguese but some people are patient enough to struggle along with me in conversation. It's been kind of funny to see how quickly other people give up talking to me- those interactions remind me not internalize anyone's actions. People usually disengage if 1) I say I only know a bit of Portuguese 2) we are in a loud ass room so between the music & my limited vocabulary I keeping asking them to repeat themselves or 3) I start speaking in Portuguese but my accent is sooo off people be like "espanhol?" 🤣

I honestly cannot tell you what has really changed in the last few weeks, but I feel myself and this country opening up to each other more. I feel less like a visitor and a bit more like I live in this area and that daily comfort means a lot to me.

There have been other little changes around the home: Folake (Rayna's friend & initial roommate) is back in the states. She was supposed to leave at the beginning of July but couldn't leave the country (crazy story) and now Lupe is here visiting us! (S/O to Lupe for traveling to be with us). They'll be here til September 1st and I'm really excited to have someone to share new activities with and host.

I haven't seen Lupe since December, so it is really special to have them here, reconnect, and spend time together. Lupe if you're reading this I love you a lot and I'm so so thankful Rayna Jai brought us together <3

I went on a bike ride, visited new cities, and in the midst of it all I've been trying to release control. One reoccurring theme I've noticed whenever I move somewhere new is my own surprise when I feel a depressive episode about to start. Subconsciously I tend to feel like being in a new environment means I'm further away from my triggers or childhood trauma so I shouldn't feel sad or grumpy. But it's like no babes that all lives within me. And some days it makes itself known in bigger emotions (I'm irritable, withdrawn, fragile) and having my girlfriend witness all of it makes me feel really exposed.

I don't want these entries to involve too much relationship reflection but I must say a big part of why I'm here/how Brazil even became a blimp on my radar is Rayna- so I do want to name some things:

I'm learning a lot about myself because this is my first time living with a partner. I'm grateful for how much Rayna and I check in with each other because while it can sometimes bring up anxieties, I'm learning to share, process, and receive. Sometimes I want to hide and isolate, but Rayna has a crazy attunement to my energy, so I always feel seen LMAO. And that's the part that is really hard for me. I recognize sometimes my emotions are huge tidal waves and the energy is palatable but other times a bitch is trying to mask and it's not working 😭

My disorganized attachment style and the pre-therapy default settings do get worked up because being witnessed in my struggle is uncomfortable. But I'm practicing real conflict resolution skills- and not the selective vulnerability where you share things that you're comfortable disclosing so people feel close to you, but they don't really know you. It's this real, raw, vulnerability that honestly makes me want to throw up (anyone else relate or am I really just that sick in the head? lmfaoo).

I'm learning that people can feel hurt by me and still love me and that feels really huge, and I could cry if I think about it for too long. Overall, I'm a moody ass bitch and some places or days exacerbate traits about myself that I'm not always proud of, but I'm grateful for the grace and compassion others show me so I can show that to myself.

Things I'm looking forward to:

Finally fully unpacking my suitcase. I have basically been living out that hoe (haven't hung up any clothes, set up all my toiletries etc.) since I arrived. I think moving into my own room is gonna feel really good 😁

I'm gonna finally try some new hobbies! Shout out to my sweet friend Nii for putting me on a capoeira class that's specifically for trans and nonbinary people. I've really been searching/needing a trans community abroad so I'm going to check it out next week. Please send me sweet loving energy so everybody there wants to be my frienddd

If the weather isn't terrible tomorrow I'm also gonna try and go to a drumming class (I'm extra hyped about this because I haven't done any Brazilian style drumming since I left Philly so I'm excited to have my full circle moment)

I'm starting spiritual direction school and it'll be nice to have a monthly commitment to check in with myself spiritually bc I have been neglecting that dimension of my life since moving

Things I'm anxious(?) about:

Lupe leaving- I'm gonna miss them sooo much. It's crazy how fast our time together has gone by and I don't want it to end

Job applications/interviews blah blah blah- I just want to be employed so I can have some healthcare coverage

Trip to rio next month: a lot of things are unplanned and I'm a planner so this is feels a lil crazyyy but like I said I'm practicing releasing power and control

Starting spiritual direction school. I'm getting wayyy ahead of myself but I'm trying to do this so I can start playing entrepreneur (which is an energy I've been fighting for a long time) but I think it'll be really special to offer services to others

Thanks for reading & as always journeying with me 💞

Much love,

JC

[sharingtheprocess]

I wanted to write this two weeks ago

Hey y'all :) I've been spending a lot of time thinking about things that I want to do instead of going out and doing them, so this first post is dedicated to letting my ideas live outside my brain.

When I thought about how I wanted to record this journey I knew I wanted to do some kind of blog. I think my personality better suits vlogs but there is still a part of me that feels a little uncomfortable taking up space in that way. However, I don't want to restrict myself so I'm thinking this will be a place for my ramblings to exist in whatever form (text, video, audio & pics).

As a person with a poor memory I have found archiving events, particularly through photos (but also audio diaries and journaling) really helps me remember myself, my accomplishments, and my trails. So I knew I wanted some kind of informal space to reflect on life in Brazil. I told myself a monthly update would be manageable and yet here I am almost a month and a half in writing my first post 😂. I say all this with no shame- just want to acknowledge that to some I moved and fell off the face of the Earth so I am v sorry for my radio silence.

I think there was a part of me that felt nervous to share & give updates because things have not been rainbows & butterflies. I wanted to have a ton of photos from trips and cool events to show off but tbh a bitch has been in the crib. If anything, I realized this past month and a half has had a lot more to do with me learning how to live with my partner, navigate relationship conflict, be transparent about my needs & in tune with my body. I definitely feel like my time and attention has been more inward and concerned with my home/private life than anything really to do with Brazil.

At first I was frustrated, I felt restricted, disappointed, and irritable. Things just weren't easy and a bitch can list some reasons why:

I don't know the language

My grandmother's health has been a major concern and it feels harder to navigate while being so far away

Missing my friends/community/loved ones

Constantly hearing about phone theft & other robberies and not wanting to look like an easy lick- but also feeling confused knowing my ass did not just come from Atlanta, Philly, and parts of Trenton to be worried about "crime" over here

Struggling with a lack of structure/routine

Thinking that being with my partner would feel like all the times we've vacationed together

I felt insecure about doing things on my own, but I had to embrace that because following other people's rhythm didn't satisfy me. As a person who is already naturally shy and reserved, constantly feeling outside my comfort zone without a new established safe space or outlet has been sooo hard. I would either feel fatigued or high strung from socializing. Too nervous to do things solo or overly concerned with how out of place I felt and how easily my anxious energy could be read by others.

I was constantly denying myself out of fear and minimizing my feelings. I came with a lot of big dreams and aspirations, and I think they are still possible but I'm realizing it just won't be as straightforward as I imagined- and that's ok. I need to be a lot more intentional here and that means putting in the work, energy, and consistency to live how I want.

I've already seen so many things that I've come to love about being here:

I am a five minute walk away from the ocean and living this close to the beach has been so healing for my body and spirit

I eat good everyday!

The party/dance culture here is incredibly liberating

I live in a beautiful black queer ass city

Seeing people w piercings and tattoos as a common/normal body mod is deeply affirming

Space and time feels slower here- it made me restless at first but surrendering to this pace has actually brought me more freedom to be curious about myself, my art, my spirit...

Things haven't been bad but my arrival didn't fit my expectations. I've had a lot of growing pains and mini breakthroughs. Now that I've had more time to adjust I want to play an active role in making my desires match my reality. I know things won't change overnight so I'm glad I'll be here for some time. Thanks for reading & journeying with me 💓

~JC