shaunabee

[shaunabee]

First Day Of Freedom

LOL just kidding! I thought it was going to be my first day of freedom, but oh was I wrong. Last year, my partner and I decided to quit our jobs to travel around the US and Europe for a few months. After travelling we’d come back and he’d look for a new career opportunity and I would go back to school, something I’ve been wanting to do for ages. This was a huge decision for us, and one that we were super grateful to even be able to do in the first place.

Also, I was getting increasingly antsy at my job. While nothing was horrible about my job by any means (I made some of the best of friends working there) I was just bored and felt like I needed a change; specifically, to take a risk and try not working for a little while.

About a month prior, I put my notice in for my last day to be March 12th. My partner was going to finish the month of March, and at the end of the month we’d head out on a US road trip for two weeks, on route to my sister’s wedding in Palm Springs.

At this point in late January, coronavirus news was a bit worrisome but it still seemed far away. I still had a hefty amount of optimism that it would pass fairly soon, and not really affect me or my loved ones here in Canada.

On March 8th my company put out an emergency notice to all staff encouraging everyone to work from home for the rest of the month. I remember thinking, great - I’m going to be alone at home for my last week at work! And pretty sad about not getting to see everyone in the office for my last few days.

Anyway, you probably know where this is headed but by the time my last day rolled around, the state of the world had changed drastically. WHO officially declared a pandemic, Italy was on complete quarantine with horror stories about their hospitals being overrun, Canada and the US were implementing new safety precautions multiple times a day it seemed. So on my first day of what I thought would be “freedom” (i.e. chosen unemployment) I found myself stuck inside, practicing what everyone was encouraging - “social distancing”. 

Our travel plans had been cancelled, my partner was looking at starting a new job basically as soon as possible, and I was looking at a bleak Spring/Summer with not much to do. I thought about asking my company to take me back - was it smart to quit my job right now? I thought about looking for a new job. I mean, I’m still thinking about these things. As I right this, it is March 15 - just a few days since my last day at work and while I want to remain optimistic about things getting better over the next couple of months, it’s definitely starting to be more difficult to.

So right now? I’m staying close to home. I’m starting a 30 day yoga challenge tomorrow, and have a few home projects to get to. When I decided to quit about intentions of getting a new job, I remember thinking “How would I fill my time if I wasn’t obligated to show up to a job and worry about income for awhile?” and now I guess I’m really getting tested on that. How am I going to fill my time?

[shaunabee]

My Tendency To Want To Give Up and Hide From Everything

Oh hey. So you can probably tell by the title that this will be a super uplifting blog post 😂 Nahh don’t worry, shit won’t get too dark!

I’ve just started to really pay attention to my initial reaction to things by kind of taking a step back and saying hmm why do I feel like this right now and do I really want to take actions in line with that feeling, or do I want to let it pass?

Specifically, I’m referring to my tendency to give up, and then hide from things. 

Usually I get the urge to do that when things start to get uncomfortable. Maybe I put myself out there a little farther than I usually do, or I took a step into something that feels like it would be too hard to take a step back. Anyway, when things get uncomfortable for me, my gut reaction is give it all up and then hide from it until it goes away.

It’s not like this happens often either, but when it came up again recently I actually stopped and pondered, “WTF”. Why do I do this and do other people feel like this too? I mean, they probably do, at least some of them once in a while. I hate to think I’m so unique that no one else out there has ever felt the need to abandon everything, fake their own death, and start over.

Okay I went a little extreme. But really, this came up because I got the feeling to quit recently. As some of you know, I’m planning an event for women in tech in Vancouver. It’s something that’s been in the works for months. I’m super excited about it and have been sharing it and enrolling people around me to contribute to make this happen. And it actually is! We have the major things in place: a venue, an agenda, speakers, donations for food/alcohol, and we’ve even started selling tickets for it which means people are actually going to show up. And all the proceeds are going to a cause that means a lot to me, The Downtown Eastside Women’s Centre (dewc.ca).

And that’s when I realized, holy fuck people are actually going to show up. People are going to come to this event with expectations; expectations that I’ve laid out for them that I need to now ensure are delivered. What the fuck did I just get myself into? Thus, the sudden and intense urge to abandon everything and quit cascaded over me. How much less stress would I have if I wasn’t planning this thing? What if I just quietly retreated to a cave, never having to see or speak to another person I’ve talked to about this event again. What if I just went into bed, under the covers, cuddling with my cats and stayed there until everyone who knew me just forgot about this completely and then I can just carry on with life.

So dramatic right? And, like, is planning an event actually that stressful? I mean sure, it can be. But I have so much already completed for this and so much help from people who are so excited about it. Though, there’s always that underlying fear, I guess. That fear of failure, of judgment, of fucking everything up. And even though fucking up an event is NOT EVEN THAT BAD OF A THING TO HAPPEN, that fear just grips you, doesn’t it? 

So anyway, that’s just what I wanted to share. I mean, I saw that fear, that urge to quit, come over me and I just sat with it for a bit and then let it pass. It hasn’t come back just yet, but I know it’s always kind of there, under the surface. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to totally get rid of it, but at least now I recognize it for the asshole it is, am I right?

[shaunabee]

Saying goodbye to the goodest good cat

So, I started out this blog being like I’m going to try and post every other week! And I did, for the first two posts. 😅 

I could give a bunch of excuses about how busy I was, or that I was dealing with hard stuff, or that it was fucking hot in my apartment (really true, tho), but honestly those are all just reasons and if I’m being honest, I’ve been putting this off because I knew what my next post needed to be and I just didn’t want to write it yet. I feel ready now though! Kinda.   

My last post was all about how much I love my cat, Aimee. If you haven’t read it yet, I suggest you take a gander (here) for some context before reading this. If you don’t though, that’s cool I guess. Here’s my recap: Aimee was the most amazing cat ever who we adopted last year and changed our lives forever (now we’re cat people); also she got really sick and it’s been really hard.   

I’m writing this now because we ended up saying goodbye to Aimee about a month after she first got sick. And it was literally the hardest thing we’ve ever had to do. I know that it was the right choice for her; she was suffering, the outcome did not look good, and she depended on us to make sure she lived a happy, healthy life. If her life was no longer happy or healthy, we had to think about what would bring her (and us, and all those who knew and loved her) peace. And that was by letting her go. 

This had been in the back of our minds since she first got sick and we thought it was cancer. When would this day come and how would we know it was the right decision? What would it be like and would she know what was coming or feel any pain?   

One day, after receiving a late night phone call from our vet surgeon telling us the test results came back and he basically had NO clue what was going on with her, we took her back to the vet to see yet another specialist (an Internal Medicine vet). After a thorough exam and review of her history to date, the prognosis we were given didn’t look great. We could continue with more testing (this meant more vet visits, needles, and surgeries) which would then let us know what treatment to put her on. But the treatment would be temporary and wouldn’t really improve her quality of life, just prolong it.   

I think Rowan and I both knew what we had to do in that moment, but I couldn’t bring myself to be the one to say it out loud. Thankfully Rowan took that step and said the words we were both dreading: “I think we should put her down”. I left the vet that day feeling an emptiness I’ve never felt before. It was the hardest day of my life, and holy shit am I grateful Rowan was there with me. Having a partner with you during hard times like that, someone you can cry with and then laugh with just moments later is such an amazing gift. I couldn’t imagine going through that without him, the big lug.   

Even through our grief and tears, we both felt this enormous love still. Aimee was gone, yes, but the love that she had opened up for us in our lives was (and is) still there and it didn’t leave with her. We both felt like we had this space now, to welcome more love like that in. And we did! We adopted two wonderful, adorable, loving, totally insane kittens (Chip & Frank!) and we’re so freaking excited to start out their lives with them.   

The last month of Aimee’s life was hard and sad, yet had some really beautiful moments as well. And if it taught me anything, it taught me how damn loving and compassionate people around me are. My friends, family, coworkers; thanks to all of you for being so freakin’ amazing. I couldn’t have gotten through any of this without that support 💕 

I still miss Aimee everyday and I think about her a lot. No pet will ever replace her, and I’m pretty sure none could ever be like her; and we’re so, so grateful that she came into our lives and opened up this whole new world of cat love for us.

[shaunabee]

A Really Long Post On How Much I Love My Cat

So, Rowan (that’s the bf) and I recently went to New York city for my birthday. We had booked the trip a couple of months prior and were really looking forward to a weekend away together in a new city. While we definitely did have a good time, (and I’ll share all about that trip in another post) it was hard for us at the same time because our cat, Aimee, ended up at the vet in a bit of an emergency. She’s okay right now, though there are definitely some complications and things we’re dealing with. 

But first, if you haven’t met Aimee before, then I have to tell you about this cat. Because she really is the best cat, and I’m sure lots of cat-parents say that about their cats but NO SERIOUSLY SHE’S THE GOODEST GOOD BEST CAT.   

Anyway, Rowan and I were never really cat people. We dreamed about getting a dog and couldn’t wait for the day when we felt ready to take that on. I grew up with both cats and dogs, and while I did like cats for the most part, I actually kind of preferred them on the internet (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J---aiyznGQ). That said, I wanted a pet so badly and while neither of us really had the time commitment for a dog, I thought a cat would’ve been perfect. Rowan on the other hand, didn’t mind cats but was overall pretty anti-cat from being extremely allergic to them and just not really having grown up around them/loved a cat. So getting a cat was pretty off the table, mostly because of the allergies. 

That was before we met Aimee. Around 8-ish months ago, I offered to cat sit for a coworker of mine at a fairly new job. She had taken this 10 year old cat in a few months prior and while she loved the cat, she was somewhat looking for a more permanent placement for her. She also mentioned this cat to be hypo allergic 😲. Tl;dr is that we fell madly in love with this cat, Rowan was barely allergic to her and my coworker let us adopt her.   

When I say fell madly in love with this cat, I fucking mean it. It was instant. And those of you who know Aimee can probably see why we love her so much. For those that haven’t met her, Aimee is the sweetest cat you’ll ever meet. First of all, she grew up around dogs so she’s already super laid back. Being around humans or other animals just doesn’t really bother her. In fact, she loves being around humans. While she’s not super cuddly, she always wants to be near us and will often walk up to us and nudge us with her head for some attention. She’s never once bitten, scratched or even hissed at us. Even while Rowan clipped her nails, she sat there and just kind of growled under her breath one time. All she wants to do is love you and to be loved. And to eat. She loves eating and was a bit overweight. I say was there because she lost some weight recently but we’ll get her to fat cat status again. 

She also purrs like nobody’s business. Start brushing her or scratching her back and she goes nuts. And how can you resist a cat that sticks out their tongue? I literally can’t even every time she does it.   

It was also really special and amazing to watch Aimee get more comfortable with us as we had her. While she’s friendly to pretty much everyone, we started noticing her getting closer and closer to us. When we first took her in, she found a chair to sit on and basically only sat there. Then, we eventually coaxed her onto the couch. She loved sleeping at the end of the chaise on top of the blanket, but she wouldn’t walk any further onto the couch. Pretty soon she would walk right over one of us in order to sit between us on the couch and snooze.   

And then there was our bed. We wanted her to sleep on the bed sooo badly but she just refused to jump up there. If we put her on the bed she’d jump off immediately. She’s also a bit old and not the most agile, so we got her some stairs but she refused to use them. We eventually started coaxing her up the stairs with food (so easy to make her do stuff when food is involved). She slowly started learning that the bed wasn’t a scary place and instead an awesome, comfy place where you could get food sometimes. About a month in of having her, we went out of town to visit my parents for Christmas. My coworker checked in on Aimee while we were gone, but she was alone during the nights. We got back Christmas Day and that was the first night Aimee jumped on our bed and slept there the entire night. 😭 It was seriously the cutest shit ever. Now she sleeps with us almost every night, and always greets us there in the morning. 

All of this was the reason we decided to go through with an intensive surgery for her today. What happened while we were in New York was that the vet found a mass inside Aimee’s abdomen. With no prior medical history, it could have been anything; an object, a tumor, poop, anything. The vet, who we trust, said it may be best to go through with a surgery to try and remove it. If it’s an object, they can take it out and hurray she’s better (at this point she had lost about 1/5th her weight, was barely eating, and overall pretty lethargic and down). If it’s a tumor, or something else, at least they can see it and try to remove it or biopsy it. 

That was a week ago. It was a tumor that they biopsied. The tumor was too close to her colon for the vet to feel comfortable removing it. She suspected it was lymphoma, the most common cancer in cats which strikes pretty randomly (as cancer tends to do). Our options at that point were chemotherapy or palliative drugs (re: drugs to make her feel better until she doesn’t anymore and we put her down). It was devastating. Cancer? Rowan and I had been through this before with family members. And now this cat we had just welcomed into our lives 8 months earlier, who we could barely remember our lives before meeting her, had terminal cancer and would be dying much earlier than we had anticipated. This past week, Rowan and I took turns working from home to be with Aimee and ensure she got enough food, water, and lots of love. She had to recover from the surgery before we could start the palliative meds so she was just on some painkillers and still not really eating/drinking that much. She looked so frail. 

She started bouncing back a little though! The tumor still made it hard for her to eat, but her spirits were back up after recovering from the surgery. We were getting ready to start her on her palliative drugs when the vet called with the biopsy results from the tumor. Turns out, it didn’t come back conclusive for lymphoma! Though it definitely still might be, there’s also a chance that it’s not which means it could be curable. She recommended we see a specialist vet, so off we went the next day. 

And holy fuck was the specialist appointment one of the hardest days of our lives yet. We were faced with two options, a surgery to remove the tumor which would either A. Cure her or B. Determine that it is in fact cancer or some other serious disease. The second option was just assume it’s cancer and go the palliative route, and eventually putting her down when her health started to deteriorate. Our gut said the surgery, so they wrote up an estimate for us and we felt pretty prepared for the cost (couple grand maybe?) but the estimate they slapped in front of us was a bill for over $5000. A surgery, including all the drugs/x-ray/care plus 2 nights stay at the hospital (one night before and one night after surgery) and then we made the hardest decision we’ve ever made. What the fuck do we do at this point?   

Though, to be honest, there wasn’t really a question of what we were going to do. We knew that we wanted to do whatever would be the best for Aimee’s quality of life. What’s the best way to give her a chance at a healthy, happy life, for however long that may be? The surgery. Even if it is lymphoma, removing that tumor would relieve so much pressure off of her small intestine and colon. Then she could live out the rest of her days feeling somewhat normal, combined with the palliative drugs. And if it turns out not to by lymphoma, then we’ve just added precious years onto Aimee’s life.   

Now, enjoy some more photos of Aimee. Also follow her on Instagram @aimee.the.floof

[shaunabee]

What’s all this about?

Well, here we are. I am writing my “first” blog post. I use “first” in quotes like that because I’ve written many a blog posts in my time but this is the first official one on my new and improved website. Actually, it’s not really that this website is new and improved (it’s just a free Tumblr, let’s be honest); I didn’t do anything that special to it except add a custom domain (wooowww!). The real reason my “first” post is kind of a big deal is because I’m actually sharing it with people; like, people I actually know.   

Sharing has never come super easy for me. I mean, I’m not a private person or anything and if someone asks me a question I’m pretty honest and open. But when it comes to just sharing without being asked first, that’s a bit harder for me to do. At least, it has in the past because of stories I made up about it and myself. And it’s crazy because I love sharing and writing! I’ve always wanted to have a blog like this, just to write about life because life is both challenging and awesome. I’ve found a lot of comfort reading other people’s blogs about life and I’ve always wanted to offer that to others. Also, I got a lot of shit going on and it’ll be a fun experiment to document it! 

So, here I am. Writing about life and shit. As for all that shit going on, it’s gonna be a crazy summer! Not only will I be doing a bunch of camping, beaching, and hiking; I’m starting two new projects right now, which I’ll definitely get into more detail on this blog. One is a personal web development project to up my code skillz and another is a community project to create a positive impact. I’m pretty excited! And also a bit nervous. But more on that later.

Who even am I?

I didn’t mean that to sound as philosophical as it probably did. I just thought, though most of you reading this probably know me and that’s why you’re reading this (thaaaanks), but some of you might not know me at all! So, I guess we should get to know each other then. And by get to know each other I mean you’re going to read about me.* 

Well, I’m 27 (omg) and work in customer support at a tech company in Vancouver, BC. I live with my boyfriend (Rowan) and our beloved cat (Aimee). My hobbies typically include TV, reading sometimes (I started a bookclub with my friend Megan!), playing Hearthstone, running (I ran my first 10k last month), and writing of course. I also have another blog with three friends; we rate and review nachos around the city and then I write about them: thenachoclub.com. Nachos are a pretty big part of my life. 

I’ve loved to write since I was a teenager and have done so off and on my whole life. Like I said, I’ve started and stopped multiple [personal] blogs. I just used to worry so much about what people thought and would get all freaked out that people would judge me. I mean, that worry hasn’t just vanished in thin air but I’ve definitely learned to give way less fucks on that kinda shit. I LOVE writing, especially about my own life. Maybe that seems vain but I find it super therapeutic and since I’m on this whole sharing with other people kick, here we are. 

So, I guess I’ll finish this off then. Whether you know me or not, I hope you enjoy reading about what I’m up to and perhaps find something you can relate to, or at least that makes you smile and/or laugh. Even if you’re laughing at me, I honestly don’t care because laughing is the bees knees. 

❤️ 

  *but in all seriousness I’d totes be open to pen pals!