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So true!

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Owning your inner B*@$%^!

It's been a while...man 3 years went by fast. However, what better time to make a comeback than after a traumatic experience. Now don't worry some of you will think I'm silly for calling it traumatic but, for me it was horrible.

So Saturday Tristan and I went to the farmer's market and stopped and picked up some fried rice on the way home for dinner. I go to pull in my parking space upon arriving home and someone who was visiting the neighbor was parked there. This is very irritating because I never let anyone who is visiting me park in one of my neighbors assigned parking spots. I tell them to move to one of my two spots. So, long story short I asked the guy to move his car.

We walk in the house bags in hand and take everything in the kitchen. Then I realize I had dirty dishes in the sink (which I hate) so before putting anything away I walk over to the sink to start some dish water. I saw something on the wall behind my dish rack, but it didn't register at first. So, I turn to walk to the fridge to put away our veggies and then it hits me. I just saw a LIZARD! Oh. My. God. My heart start beating 3 million beats per minute and I am immediately in panic mode! It was like fight or flight only I had no fight in me. I'm freaking out, panicking, calling for my son to come in and get the lizard. From across the room I'm directing him on how to try to catch this thing and which way to move... the whole time my eyes are welling up with tears. Suddenly I noticed the lizard has gotten onto the stem of a wine glass that I had flipped upside down on the counter. Perfect, or so I thought. I hand my son the pitcher from our blender and tell him to put it over the wine glass in the hopes that the lizard would jump to the inside of the pitcher. Guess what...it did!

I felt relief for about a half a second and then I realize that the lizard had crawled out of the picture before I could give my son something to cover the opening with. I didn't even get to say a word and the lizard did a swan dive from the picture to the wall behind the kitchen faucet it was a good two and a half to three feet at least. Tristan sees this dive and the impeccable landing on the (vertical) wall and he starts to freak out. Now of course the wall is vertical but I have to point this out to get you to imagine the gravity of the situation. Lol.

I am many things as a single mother but an outdoorsy nature-loving woman I am not!!! I promise you. I am not that girl! I'm scared of everything! I don't do bugs, I don't do snakes, I don't do lizards, and I don't do frogs. Actually I'm positive the list is longer than that but at the moment these are the only things I can think of. I personally don't think that's an unnecessary list. Everyone has fears and a fear is a fear is a fear!

Anyway he's freaking

out...I'm freaking out and by this time I have tears running down my face as I plead with my almost eleven year old son to man up. I'm reminding him that he's the man of the house and that Mom is terrified and begging him to please catch this creature and get it out. I stooped to a new low folks.

With every quick move this little gecko made I almost lost it. The lizard did another dive across the counter and at this point my son starts freaking out so bad he's hyperventilating. Then I'm feeling bad because I feel like I caused it! I didn't know what to do. My feet were literally cemented to the floor and I couldn't take my eyes off the lizard. So I asked him if he's okay and then yelled for him to go get the neighbor.

Now mind you, after living here for a year-and-a-half my neighbors and I have not said more than hi and goodbye to each other. My son runs next door knocks on the door and asks for help. Next thing I know who walks in but none other than the man who was in my parking space! Just my luck. I believe all the blood rushed to my toes at that moment. I felt bad because then I felt like the hugest b*@$%^ in the entire world. However sometimes you just have to own your s***! So, that I did. He got the lizard out for us, I thanked him like 5 times, and that was that!

I felt like a horrible mother because I realize that my son thought that I was yelling at him but really I was loud and freaking out because I was terrified. So I gave him the biggest hug that a mother could possibly give to her son and kiss him on the forehead. I apologized repeatedly to my little man for making him feel bad.

After all the commotion and once Godzilla aka the mini demon was finally out of our house...I was able to breathe at a normal pace again. Then I started feeling bad about being a little mean to the guy about the parking spot and then needing him to save us from a certain death by 4 inch lizard. Lol.

I started to go knock on the neighbor's door to apologize to his friend but then it hit me....with everything we deal with as single parents we aren't always going to be on our A game. We want our keys to be where we put them, are hair and makeup to be flawless, our bodies to be fit and trim, for nothing to ever get broken, to hit the lotto for a million dollars, and to be able to come home and park in our very own assigned parking spot at the end of our walkway. Was it that serious? Probably not, but oh well. One thing is for sure...he will get over it. Sometimes you just have to accept that you're being a total b*@$%^. Don't shy away from it and certainly don't apologize for it. Sometimes it just is what it is. Everybody has those days that we have to own our inner b*@$%^! Embrace it!

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I always wonder how single moms seem to have these awesome love lives. I just don’t know how it’s possible. I work, go to school, and take care of my son with very little time for anything.

I have been involved with a man for 9 and a half years off and on…I knew him before my son’s father. I love him with all my heart, but he will not commit. If things start feeling too much like a relationship he will pull back for a while. Anyone ever been there?

The older I get the harder it becomes to keep up this type of arrangement. In general he is a great catch, but he kind of treats my heart like crap. I say that because he knows exactly how I feel and if he doesn’t see this growing past where we are, I just don’t know why he doesn’t just leave me be. He is the only man that has ever really been around my son. My son is crazy about him. A couple weeks ago my 8 year old started telling me that he wished he was his dad and that we could get married. What do I do now I wondered? I know that I have to make a choice. When I was pregnant I chose to stop seeing him and try to work it out with his dad which ended up being a disaster. I gave up the man I loved for my son once before and it looks like I have to do it again. It is one thing for me to get hurt, but now that I know how much son thinks of him…I can’t allow him to get hurt by my disfunctional relationship.

It hurts to realize that something you want so bad just isn’t going to happen. I decided to put on my big girl panties and sketches him an email (I know slightly childish) and told him to decide wether he wants to be a part of my life…our lives or not. The flip flopping and back and forth is just not it for me. I just don’t want to wake up and realize that another 10 years has past and I have bypassed my chances of being happy with someone else because I was waiting for him to come around.

What is really frustrating is that during our off times I have tried to meet other people a couple times over the years. They usually just don’t understand or respect that I can’t just pick up at the drop of a dime. Other than that I find that they only want the nooki. That’s just not gonna work for me. This is why it is so easy to fall back into this habit of mine and go right back to him just hoping this time he will see me….I mean really see me and we will live happily ever after. Well that happily ever after may never come and in the meantime I am alone.

How do you do it? How do you find a good man that will also be good to your child and want a relationship? How do you find the time to meet people and have a social life? Everyone else seems to have figured this out, but me. I hope I figure it out before it is too late. If and when I do I will be sure to advise any other hopeless romantic, fool hearted, single mom’s out there. Maybe I can save you a little frustration and heart ache. Until then. Love yourself first!

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Hang in there mom....

Being a single parent is hard. People will judge you and always have something to say. Some of us are lucky enough to have a great support system of family and/or friends, but for those of us who don’t…everything seems to take extra effort.

You may feel like you want to quit sometimes, but trust me when I tell you, you can make it through. The cliche is true if it doesn’t kill you it will make you stronger! My son is 8 and a half his dad has only called once in 6 years. He was abusive and is now a addicted to Crystal Meth and alcohol, so I don’t attempt to track him down. My son needs a man around, but that is not the influence I want for him. I want him to have a good childhood and I had a parent with a drug problem growing up. At 34 I still have issues that stem from that. I don’t want that for him.

At the end of the day what is important is being there for you babies and having someone to vent to. I have some amazing friends and an aunt who is uber involved in my son’s upbringing. You will reap the benefits as your kids grow older and really start showing their appreciation. My baby made me this “Mom Book” full of hand drawn pictures of the two of us. Those are the sweetest rewards!

Sometimes he starts acting out and talking about how his dad does this and his dad does that and while it angers me since he does absolutely nothing…I try really hard to not talk bad about him to my son. I tell him that he loves him very much, but just doesn’t know how to show it. I try to watch who I let around him because I know that will shape who he becomes as an adult.

The days when my baby just wants be with me and stays all up under me and all up in my face, but I just need a break….a little space, I have to remind myself that I am all he has. As single moms your kids world is you and they are your world. Hang in there ladies! You can do it. You will be rewarded!

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Watch me!

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Intro....

Good afternoon. This will not be your typical “single mom” blog….at least I don’t think so, but maybe I just wanna feel special! Don’t we all though?! Ugh, yeah we do!

I am going to try to tell you all about my shenanigans and show you just how special I can be sometimes which are not always in a flattering way (but usually quite amusing when they’re not). *Wink* Why would I tell you embarrassing things about myself you might ask?! Because f*#! it, I’m human just like you. I’m honest, some times brutally so! I have good days and bad, make mistakes, cry, fall and get back up just like everyone else. Unfortunately sometimes the mistakes are at my own expense. I am okay with that, as long as it is not at the expense of my son because at the end of the day I always end up learning a useful life lesson.

So…a little about me you ask?! I am a 30 something. 34 to be exact. I have been trying to figure out how I got here for the past 5 years. Oh well. I live in the Metro-Atlanta area and have for 12 years last month! My son is 8 years old and the light of my life. Yeah yeah I know… everyone says that! I mean it though. This kid has saved my life in so many ways. Often being a single mother is at the root of my struggles, but it is always the source of my strength!

I moved here with my best friend and all the best of intentions, like most do I’m sure. I was going to attend Clark Atlanta University, double major in Mass Media Arts with a focus in radio and Graphic Design and graduate with honors. Afterwards I would go on to work in the entertainment industry and become “well to do”. This was all going to be done kid free I might add.

Let’s just say things didn’t quite work out as planned. Somewhere along the way I ended up with a child whom I adore by a man that I don’t. My son’s father is not in his life…at all. He has never provided any financial support for him. I have done it all with the occasional help from some family members and my awesome network of friends !

While I know that my son needs a man in his life I feel that he is better off. I have never ever tried to keep him away. People are often quick to judgement when I say my son is better off, without even knowing my reasoning for feeling that way. Every situation is not the same, every man is not the same, every child is not the same, and certainly every single mother is not the same. We do however share many of the same hopes, fears, tears, and struggles!

To all my single ladies, single mothers, and single father’s sharing our struggles…I salute you! With everything we go through trying to raise healthy well balanced children and have a life of our own as well, we all get met with stumbling blocks along the way! That will happen…it’s a part of life wether you are a parent or not. What we have to do is make sure that we don’t give up because there is more riding on us. Our successes and/or failures effect more than just us. We will not always have sunny days and smiles, but we do always have to keep faith that we will wake up the next day with another opportunity to get it right!

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Watch me!