she-rules-her-own-world

[she-rules-her-own-world]

You don't make promises.

And yet you made promises to me that you couldn't keep.

You made a promise before cutting communication with me that you wouldn't reach out.

And yet you broke that promise too. "Grey area" my ass. That's still reaching out.

[she-rules-her-own-world]

To the human who creeped and probably reads these.

Why? If you want to talk reach out. I don't understand why you did the "grey area" bull shit of the Google drive.

I was over you and then you did that bull shit? No. Have a fucking conversation don't do that bull shit. Don't be a fucking coward.

I wish I had more to say. But I don't. I am miserable again and for once in the past 3 years it's not your fault (or maybe it is.) Congrats on still being an asshole.

I wish we had fought. I wish we had had hard conversations. But no. We had the "perfect" relationship which still blows my fucking mind. It wasn't perfect. 12 year difference isn't perfect. You turn 38 this year.

This doesn't matter. It never did. I am just a human. I don't matter in the long term of things. I'm just surviving and hoping for a better tomorrow.

🖕🖕

[she-rules-her-own-world]

To the human who doesn't read these anymore

I have my nipples pierced.

I never ended up going on the third date with a human because I fucked him.

I went on 2 dates with a software developer. That didn't work out either. I felt bad for that one. 😭😭.

Now I'm trying to find another human. Another human who is smart and attractive like you... Why did you not like me enough for that.

You abandoned me. You promised me you wouldn't and you fucking did.

[she-rules-her-own-world]

LMAO

My best friend calls me a prude and yet i am the only one with her nipples pierced... maybe i am a prude... idk... 

I have a 3rd date with a human tomorrow... i told him that he liked me more than i liked him... so i may not have a date tomorrow...

[she-rules-her-own-world]

I miss my shower buddy.

I miss sex with you.

Most of all. I miss you. I miss you the you who would cheer me up whenbshit was going wrong. The you who cared deeply and passionately for me.

The you who helped me get through this shit

Where did he go? Because I don't think he is there anymore.

PS. Uncle got the package. He tried feeding the label to the cats didn't work. He was then going to use it as kitty litter.

[she-rules-her-own-world]

It's only been 2 fucking weeks.

I hate you. I love you but I fucking hate you. Because I was never first. I was NEVER first. Idk if there is a way you can ever change my mind of that. You were always fucking first.

In a way. I wish max hadn't chickened out in September. Because us. You and me. Would have never fucking happened. Or maybe it still would have. I don't fucking know.

I fucking hate you so fucking much you have no fucking clue. I loved you! With every ounce of my fucking being. And this is how you fucking treated me.

I don't want to see you. But I do. But if you would rather save the 20 is postage then let me know whether you want to see me on Sunday or Monday. Because you know damn well I will drive that trip with my sister and uncle in tow and not give a rats ass what happens.

I hope you still stalk this page. I hope you see how much fucking pain you put me though. I hope. Oh I hope that she doesn't take you back. So you can be miserable. Just as miserable as you made me.

Fuck you for burning a bridge that shouldn't have been burned. 🖕🖕🖕

[she-rules-her-own-world]

As much as I think you are an asshole. I want to know you are okay. I still want to know what's going on inside your mind. I want you to talk to me but I know that can't/wont happen until at least december because of her. Because you still want her.

Fuck you for making me think I was first choice when I never fucking was. 🖕🖕🖕. Fuck you for dragging me along. Fuck you for making me fall in love with you and then breaking my fucking heart.

Sibling thinks you don't deserve a second chance. I think you do on the two conditions previously stated. (prove you are over your guilt and that I'm first choice) i don't think you want a second chance with me. I don't know if I believe that you love me. Because you wouldn't put somebody you love through this shit.

Fuck you. Nobody really cares for me. Thanks for making that fucking obvious.

I doubt you will ever see this. I think I hate you just about as much as I love you. 🖕🖕🖕

[she-rules-her-own-world]

You were never in love with me. You were infatuated with the idea of somebody else. I was just the gateway.

Maybe you were in love with me. Maybe you don't know what love is. Like she said.

Idk how you feel. But I know I did love you.

[she-rules-her-own-world]

This has always been for you. I know you know the name of it. But idk if you creep. If I were you I would still creep. Even though it's not healthy.

I was so happy when Taylor told me Catherine was dating other people. Because I hoped that it hurt you like you hurt me. 😝😝. I hope she doesn't take you back. Because you made her second choice. And even if you didn't make her second choice (while we were dating you still thought about her) it's not fair to her that you were with me. In all aspects of that term. You don't deserve either of us. I thought I was first choice. Turns out I wasn't. I never was.

If you could prove to me that I'm first choice. Maybe I could choose to be with you again. If you could figure out how to get over the guilt you feel. Maybe we can be together again. But not before. You are not putting me through this absolute bull shit any longer.

When am I going to get mr elephant back? I took you just got back from training or something like that. I hope you got the box. I hope it dug a knife in you like you did me.

I'm malacious because you made me this way. I'm not putting all the blame on you. I could have stopped this whole fucking thing if I truly wanted to. But I didn't.

I hope you have a good time with your mother while she is in town. 🖕🖕

[she-rules-her-own-world]

I doubt you read these.

I love Taylor.

I was giddy this morning when I heard that Catherine was dating other people. Because you made her second choice. That's not fair to her. I hope she doesn't take you back.

I talk to Taylor some more and the only way you get a second chance with me is if you prove I'm not a second choice and if you ever get over your freaking guilt.

I'm debating showing up at your place to get mr elephant. Because it's not fair that you still have him. It's not.

I want to say fight me. I still love you. But our relationship was not healthy. Being as I thought I was your first choice but I still wasn't. I never was. And I think i will always hate you for that. Maybe I will get over that. But no. Probably not. 🖕🖕

[she-rules-her-own-world]

If you had told me ...

A couple years ago that I would have my nipples pierced later in life. I would have thought you were crazy.

Yet here I am freshly 22 with my nips pierced.

Crazy how life works that way.

[she-rules-her-own-world]

look im doing the same thing i did last year, but i feel bad for spamming a certain person because im not as honest with her as i was with you. 

Because she has a good relationship and im over here trying to get over your sorry ass for leaving me to go back to your ex </3

[she-rules-her-own-world]

If you are removing me from your life. Remove everything. Make it so you think none of this fucking happened.

[she-rules-her-own-world]

Do you still believe it was worth it?

I doubt you will see this. Being as you deleted your Tumblr. Doesn't mean you will stop going on it. Idk maybe it does for you.

[she-rules-her-own-world]

i always fail to say what i want to say. Sometimes i think i should ship the switch back to you. I havent played it since shit went down...  

There is so much that i want to give back to you but i know how much it would hurt and as much as i want to hurt you. You dont deserve more pain that you are already in

[she-rules-her-own-world]

I wasnt going to

Dear Andrew,

I wasnt going to respond. I still not entirely sure that i should. But there are too many things going through my head. 

First and foremost is probably betrayal. You can reach out one day if you feel the need ( that means after this summer probably)

I was doing well after monday... I wasnt crying like i did a little bit but i wasnt thinking about you. And then you posted today.. hit me like a fucking hammer. 

I have a box im going to ship you (eventually im not sure what else is going to go in it yet... ) that has the stuff that i told you i would give you. Because im not backing out on that. They would be good resources for your classroom. Maybe i should include the shirt and sweatshirt... maybe not... I know it would hurt a shit ton to get those back... :/ 

I dont want the stuff you got me. I dont. I know it was before this. But it means that i will have to see you and i know for damn sure that i cannot. Maybe if we meet up in the future i will make sure my uncle or a friend is with me... because im not strong enough. I also dont want you to send it to me. Because thats dumb also. Take back the blender thing, return it, sell it idc. 

I talked to my uncle the other night and im excited to move out there. He is excited to have family near him. I know once i get out there i will be fine. Its just the stupid shit leading up to moving out there. I was worried about moving out there and i still kinda am, but it makes me feel better that my family is going to help me. My aunt and uncle are willing to help me. 

Its not fair. I know you dont want to do this and i know this is what you think is best. But its not fair. 

I love you 3000. 

This is gonna take a long time to get over, and its not fair. I know this isnt why but i hope she takes you back. Because you still deserve to be happy, even though i dont think that she will take you back., because of all the trust that was broken.

I will love you forever, i will miss you forever. 

Hope everything works out for you. <3 

You were my superman, but i guess i need i to find a new super hero.

I love you. 

Nicole

[she-rules-her-own-world]

I have no self control

I have no self control, so you are getting a response now instead of waiting, because i like talking to you. And this is the closest thing i get right now. 

We still click, that never went away. You can take all the time in the world. I imagine that one day we will be back together. Or at least thats what i want. I want you and i think you know that. 

We can try to create something new again. After. idk how much after. idk when after. but after. 

You can still be that person. I still want you to be that person. I want to see the world, i want you to be the person i come home to. You are the person i want. You are the person who makes me happy, except for now apparently... 

I want to hate you, but i cant. its not in me to hate you. Im sorry you hate you. Me hating you would make this situation easier for both of us, but unfortunately thats not gonna happen  We know how to make both of us happy... but thats not going to happen... 

I want to apologize for the low blow of you promising something. I knew that would hurt but i did it anyways. I knew you were hurting but i wanted to poke the wound so you felt it a little more... 

I appreciate you making it a stream of consciousness. I dont care how long i wait for posts from you, i dont even care if i cry at your posts , i like seeing that you are still alive. and that you still want to talk to me in some aspect... 

I think it can still work. I want it to still work. But i dont know what would take the guilt away... maybe knowing that she is happier with somebody else. that she has found somebody else? idk. June isnt over so who knows what is going to happen with this month. 

Next month is gonna be a shit show....

I dislike how much Taylor talks about her relationship...Not that she does it a lot but it still hurts. but im not going to ask her to stop because thats dumb. im just eh...  

It would still be easier for you to watch the car instead of leaving it at my uncles place... Like i have said time and time again, If i have to be a burden to anybody i want to make it you, because of this stupid situation 

I dont know what i want to do. 

I want to push you away, like i have everybody else. But i dont feel that urge, like i do, but i fight it everytime... i still wake up in the middle of the night and check my phone for some kind of message from you 

I hate this, you have no idea how much i hate this. Like taylor said that you will message when you are ready.. but idk if that will ever happen. 

We were happiest together. I dont know what else to tell you.