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it’s exactly 5:30 am and i’ve woken up from the worst nightmare i’ve had yet. i tried to convince myself that it wasn’t real but i can’t even be sure. now, i’m writing things with tear stained eyes and with desperation for closure. i don’t want to feel like this anymore; i don’t want to be haunted by him.

i woke up feeling so weak and afraid and for some reason, all i could think was that i wish i had signed up for that 24 hour gym across from my house. i want to use the frustration and pain to do something better for myself. i don’t want to be sad anymore. i want to be able to be better to myself. i want to use these feelings he left me with; these feelings he punched and kicked into me. i don’t even know what i’m trying to say. it’s fucking 5:36 am

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some people weren’t meant to be alive. it’s me, i am some people

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i’ve noticed this for a while now but it seems like every person i break up with, ends up finding their forever person. i’m 3/4 right now.

and for me, i just get sad and lonely. so i thought that maybe this is what im meant to do. which sounds super dramatic but it’s happened 3 times in a row without fail; literally the next person they date, it’s happily ever after. and here i am, just a miserable sack. michael made me think there was someone out there who i could connect with and feel almost whole. but once that ended, i’ve never been the same. it’s been a year and i’m still not healed. i don’t know when or if i ever will be

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It’s been 5 months since Em and I have been dating and everything has been going well. she makes me feel really comfortable and i feel like i can be really open with her, but i don’t know if we’re end game material. i feel like we get along better as friends. a big component is her insecurity and our incompatibility sexually.

It sounds terrible but her insecurity is definitely a big turn off; which is awful because it’s definitely due to her childhood and her ex. she has been beaten down for who she is, which is so fucked because she is so incredible. she is so beautiful and kind and thoughtful and generous and she doesn’t deserve to feel the way she does about herself. that being said, it is so exhausting tiptoeing around what i say and do.

We have an open relationship but we (and least i) haven’t been with other people. I have been thinking about hooking up with cian again. he and i were so sexually compatible. the sex wasn’t particularly kinky or adventurous but we just fit so well together physically. he never asks what i need, which Emily does and i really don’t like that. i understand that she’s trying to learn what i like and don’t like and what it takes to make me cum but i find its more organic for her to try things and just discern from my reaction. i’ll definitely tell her if something doesn’t work but i feel like it’s also very evident when i do feel good. idk it doesn’t fully take me there. but she is so so hot and it makes me want to jump her but then i remember, oh the sex is whatever

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in other news, my roommate brought someone who was unknowingly covid positive so now we all have to quarantine for 2 weeks. and it fucking blows. i can’t really afford to not be working for two weeks.

i hate this

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i’m so lucky to have him. sometimes it gets hard but i know that he’ll always be there for me and take care of me.

i love the way he loves me

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do y’all ever think about the people that were once such a big part of your life? cause i do, i think of one person specifically.

i’d like to think that from time to time this person thinks of me too but i don’t think that’s true. after all, they are the one who ended it all.

after a whole decade, everything is over. i don’t know where it was that we took different paths but it happened somewhere and we didn’t look back for each other. suddenly, the person i thought i knew, wasn’t very familiar anymore. and it wasn’t for lack of trying to get to know them. i tried. albeit, i only tried once, i still tried.

i haven’t always been the best person in the past. i’ve made a lot of mistakes, mistakes that did affect other people. but i was young and still learning. stupidity is a byproduct of youth. i know it isn’t an excuse but i did try to fix things. i recognize all those mistakes in the past needed to be addressed. but when i tried to do it, i was already too late. i became someone i didn’t want to be through the process of trying to find myself, over and over again.

i don’t know if it’s worth trying again but it is worth it to apologize. maybe we’ll never have what we once had, that’s okay. but i want them to know that i was a toxic person and i did hurt people in my pursuits. i don’t care what it yields. but i do care how it affects them. i don’t want to cause more pain.

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Wow, imagine understanding

We just saw our psych for the second time today and it was pretty interesting. she kinda focused more on my bpd than anything else and suggested we get this book “stop walking on eggshells”. It’s a really insightful book but it talks about dealing with more of the lower functioning bpd people, which i am not. i do identify with some traits but i don’t think i’m extremely manipulative (only a lil bit), i don’t think i’m perfect at all, i don’t blame my problems on other people. Reading this book has really helped me understand what i have though, even if it’s on a larger scale. hopefully i can now identify when i’m overreacting or reacting innapropriately to a situation.

She also recommended we watch this two part interview with a trauma expert, which again, was a little more helpful for Michael than myself but that’s okay.

I’ve definitely learned a lot.

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Holy Heavy

Michael and I met with Lynn today, our couple’s councillor. She deals more with couples with mental illness and she seemed pretty hyped that I have BPD (?). She’s very accommodating and she really tries to understand our situation as best as possible. Since this was the first session, it was more of a re-cap and her getting to know us and our past.

Obviously Michael cried. I didn’t really feel much of anything but embarrassment when talking about my stuff.... weird. Sometimes I think I might be sociopathic with my recent inability to feel empathy and general indifference about other people. But then on the other hand, I crave the human connection; I want to make more friends and not be so alone.

Anyway, this morning was really good and Lynn said that we should be coming once a week considering this is an infidelity situation. So we scheduled the next two sessions.

I’m super comfortable with Lynn and I’m so glad that Michael reached out and found her. He really is trying everything to fix his mistake in december.

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Flamel tattoo commission for @vaatiandveselekov

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Floral Pokemon made by Susan Lau

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Gary Bukovnik (American, b.1947)

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The Shitty Horoscopes anthology is now funding on Kickstarter!

and there we have it! the sequel to the first shitty horoscopes zine, we get a little more specific with shitty horoscopes, book ii: anger. i’ve been really overwhelmed with how much positive response something i just did for fun in my spare time got, so thank you everyone :) i’ll be selling copies of both zines at canzine toronto on november 1st, so if you’re in the area, swing by! prints from volume one are gonna be hot off the press on october 31st, which means the online store should get up and running the first week of november.

buy the zines | read them all | instagram | redbubble

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Jordy Hooper