sheempandalove - Tumblr blog

[sheempandalove]

I know you get upset a little when you ask me to visit my OB but i refuse everytime, eventhough i keep on whining that i'm in so much pain and inconsistent periods caused by my PCOS.

The truth is i hate having to sit in a room full of pregnant women and i'm the only one not expecting...

You always offer to come with me coz you think i'm scared but i always turn you down, and i only do that because i don't want you to see how sad i am as i patiently wait for my turn to see the doctor but instead of the doctor checking for a little heartbeat to appear on the small screen, she has to check if i'm already getting regular periods and if there's improvment in my weightloss. Which i have tried so hard but i still have irregular periods and due to my condition I gain weight so fast even though i eat so little and so seldom.

A lot of people just think i'm lazy bum or i'm such a heavy eater that's why i'm fat and can't have a baby, which is quite the contrary. My heart secretly cries every time i hear someone say that, I work 5 days a week and barely have the energy to eat and sometimes i have long intervals before i rememeber to eat but people will quickly judge you and you will not have all the energy in the world to keep on explaining yourself and the effects of PCOS.

I try to be positive and there are days where I couldn't care less a about it and just enjoy what we have right now. But there are days where it really hits me, that there is a chance that I may not ever have the chance to become a mother, and on those days I cry my heart out without anyone knowing not even you my love. I sometimes lay next to you love while you're sleeping and cry to the thoughts that I might be stealing your chance to become a good father if you choose to stay with me.

I often joke about acquiring that very tita attitude (tita level na ung mga pinaggagawa sa buhay) but the truths is I wanna acauire that motherly instinct and love. To have to go thru all the ups and downs of the pregnancy trimester and to feel the joy of hearing your baby's first cry and to feel your baby's first contact with your bare skin and to watch your baby grow into the person that they want to be. I want to experience all those things but with every negative result of my pregnancy test that idea in my mind slowly fades and I know you feel sad too when you only see one line in that pregnancy test and I appreciate your efforts to cheer me up and that keeps me going, knowing that you are also patiently cheering me on and keeping my hopes up. I hope one day you and i will be carrying a mini-us.

[sheempandalove]

To the guy who will never read this: Part II Where are WE now?

I guess by now you probably figured out that i did get your number and texted you first. But what you didn’t know was how much courage i had to get just to send you a single text. you were are random stranger and i am a random stranger to you, but nonetheless i made every effort to text you and start a conversation with you. You seemed to be nice just as i was expecting, you were friendly and smart we had a lot to talk about, with you nothing seems to be boring, you had your views, ideas and opinions, i had a lot of fun talking to you, soon it became a daily routine to talk to you. I was happy lol but i totally forgot to ask you whether you were already in a relationship, haha no actually the truth is i was just scared to ask you if you already had a girlfriend but the day came i did ask you, i remembered your reply so clearly “meron po 4 years na kami” the news saddened i remembered texting Diana with these words, “may girlfriend na sya 4 years na sila :(” hahaha i know it seemed shallow but i couldnt keep texting a guy i really liked knowing he has a girlfriend, it wasn’t cheating i know but i was a girl and i know if i put the my place in his girlfriends shoes and i know that a girl who likes him was texting him it would bother me a lot. for short (respeto sa girlfriend kasi babae din ako alam ko feelings ng babae). Weeks passed and we continued to text but i was slowly withdrawing from our conversations until finally we just stopped talking, you were happy with her, and i saw that everytime you talked about her. months passed i still saw you in school most of the time but you never noticed me and we stopped talking so how could you possibly notice me right? I actually met someone online he reminded me of you and how we talked, he was easy tot talk to just like you and then we finally ended up together but it wasn’t a happy ever after we started talking less because of the distance. Then one night after the typhoon hit our place and there was no electricity and i was bored so i sent a group message and i included your number in that message.I wasn’t expecting for anyone to reply my message then suddenly my screen lit up and your name popped out. I smiled when i saw your text although its been months that we haven’t talked i loved that it still felt like nothing has changed you were still really fun to talk to. After that night we continued talking and texting, and i felt even closer to you we talked everyday and i enjoyed every minute of it, but i had to keep reminding myself that you were already in a happy and serious relationship to keep me from actually falling for you, but the day came in your life that you and her broke up, i saw you hurt and sad, and i saw you so lost without her, i knew that you needed a friend more than anything else, you still talked to me but with a hint of sadness i did really try to make you happy but the weight of loosing her couldn’t compare to my efforts, so i let you be, you were sad most of the days. But i did see you try, you were slowly but hesitantly moving on, i dont know how long it was but you were really laughing again without the hint of pain, until one day i really did thought you got over her, haha i was dumb enough to have the courage to tell you my feelings for you but i was wrong, you weren’t over her, you were still clinging to the hope you of together as i was clinging to the hope you and I could work out, FRIENDZONED that was the popular term for my situation during that time. Although i really was hurt (at umiyak tlga ako siguro mga ilang araw) I was happy that i finally i got it out eventhough i got a rejection as a response i was happy that we still remained the way we used to be, we still talked like nothing happened. I slowly accepted the fact that i wasn’t the girl you were looking for, my friends tried to set me up on dates with random friends of them but they never seemed to be interesting for me, i was looking for the guy that i can have a good morning all the way to good night conversation the kind of conversations we had. I want that kind of conversation but i never really had that with anyone else. so months passed and then one day you said that you saw your ex with someone else, i was preparing myself to tell you comforting words that you’ll be ok but i was shocked to read your response as you told me you happy and you were ok seeing them. I guess you were already ok that i was really happy for you. You were finally letting go and learning to be happy on your own. I remembered days when we were talking on the phone and i could here you genuinely laughing and i loved hearing you laugh, and you were more engaging in conversations telling me stories of how your day went, and about the cute things you do with your niece and nephew. I remembered days when we reached pass midnight talking about anything we could think of. Days when “nadaan kita sa kakulitan ko” to sing me songs which i love to hear when its you singing but with every song i had to send you dancing videos of myself and it was embarrassing, i don’t get it why you enjoyed it so much. but it was your opinion haha. I just love those types of days when we had fun talking, and this was actually everyday that i talked to you. Everyday was fun as long as i got to talk to you either by text, call, chat and especially on days when we video called. Then you finally came back to sorsogon, after a year or so, hahah i remembered i didn’t want to believe that you were here, you were actually confusing me whether or not you were actually hear, but you said to meet you in Jollibee, i was already planning out the things i should do if this was a scam, but it wasn’t a scam and you really were here. it was like my heart skipped a beat when i saw you sitting there on the corner. as we talked i couldn’t help but smile when i saw your face and your eyes. hahaha then i would remeber the first time we ever actually met (yung siopao incident sa maxxims) hahahah actually everytime i see you i was reminded of that siopao incident. But it was a memory that was worth it. Although you were only here for 3 days i was really happy during those three days. Even after you got back to your home, we seemed to be drawn closer, and i know we have something special, like what i just read in elitedaily we have “pre-exlcusive relationship” no defined relationship but there is something there. but right now im not asking for anything more than it it. I am really happy with you and what we have, time can only tell of what happens next, the one thing that i am sure about is that i’m would never get bored with you and our conversations, there maybe days when im moody and too much to handle but i do appreciate you staying there eventhough sabi mo nga beastmode na ako. hahaha. Thank you for the daily conversations, thank you for the 3 years of friendship (haha friendzoned) thank you for being a great part of my life :) :* muah 

[sheempandalove]

To the guy who will never read this. Part I: The first time i saw you :)

Third year college ako noon, September 2013, during intramurals week and i acutally consider intramurals week as vacation week, ayaw ko pumapasok ng school para lang manuod ng mga athletic players making me think “i wish i was as athletic as them” or something like that. Pero ewan ko nga ba at nadala ako sa kakulitan ng classmate/friends ko na pumunta ng school para daw manuod ng games at  hanapin mga crush nila. Hesitant but i agreed and went to the school during the afternoon, i met with my friends and we started to roam around the school watching players, (edi sila na magaling sa sports) :D. Then my friends decided to go to the social hall kasi yung isang accountancy student daw is playing table tennis and they wanted to support him by cheering for him so we went to the social hall. Pag dating doon nakita namin yung accountancy student kalaban nya yung isang engineering student then biglang lumapit si Dang saakin at bumulong sabay turo sa isang corner at sabi “Darling andyan si crush ko” she was referring to Aidan one of her engineering crush, then I smiled and said “kaya naman pla gusto mo pumunta  dito” then we both laughed. Then i went back to watching the game and continued cheering sa kacourse ko. But i couldn’t stop noticing the engineering student that he was playing with. He was smiling a lot during their game, he had a very birght smile, he wore glasses, he was stall and quite handsome. Napansin ni dang I was looking at him for a long time then she whispered to me “darling matutunaw yan kakatingin mo” I just laughed and asked kung kilala nya yung student nay un, pero sabi nya hindi, but then I noticed sa scoreboard nakalagay yung apelyido ng players, and since I know kung ano apelyido ng accountancy student who was playing I was sure that it was the engineering students surname on the other side of the scoreboard. After the game finished talo yung accountancy student, pero ok lang may bago naman akong crush. Hahah joke. Dang couldn’t stop looking at her crush Aidan, I was teasing her then I noticed na yung engineering student lumapit kay aidan at nagusap sila sabay sabi sakin si dang “uy darling magkakilala crush natin” ngumiti lang ako tpos umalis na kami para manuod nmn ng volleyball game sa may gilid at labas lang ng social hall. We were talking and discussing how good the players were suddenly lumabas na din yung engineering student he was a little far away from where we were standing, I kept on glimpsing his way, seeing his features and his physique. At one point he caught me looking at him (okay nakakahiya ka sheem) I instantly looked away and started watching the game instead. After a few minutes I noticed someone was beside me since there used to be an empty space right beside where I was standing I looked at the person who was next to me and suddenly realized that it was the engineering student (waaaa.yung puso ko haha naglalandi joke.) pero seriously I didn’t know how to react, I kept my mouth shut and just watched the game even though my mind was literally going in circles #crushproblems. Then one of my classmates noticed that I was being extremely quiet, they looked at me and instantly noticed why, they started laughing and teasing why I was being quiet “ai tumahimik kasi andyan yung crush” or “kaya naman pla din a umiimik si darling oh” and it went on. Until bigla nalang umalis si engineering student. Hahaha I was really hoping that he didn’t notice that. But at the same time I was also hoping that he did notice someone like me. After the volleyball game we went back to the accountancy building and saw our engineering friend Justin, bigla naalala ni dang yung crush nyang si Aidan and she asked justin if he new aidan and he did, she asked to get his number and I was happy that she was brave enough to ask for a guys number so openly. Bigla nya lang din naalala ako, and she said “uy darling ikaw baka kilala din ni justin yung crush mo, and para akong namula sa hiya, then she said the name out loud, “ano nga ulit yung apelyido nya, Mendenilla?” then justin said “ahh si expo, crush mo si expo?” then his other engineering friends looked at me. I kept quiet and wanted to get the hell out of that place. Dang was the one who asked for his number although I really really wanted to know his number, im not the type of girl who can openly get a guys number. I was happy that I knew his name, besides it was just a harmless little crush. Pero since makulit si dang pinilit nyang isave yung number sa phone ko and at the back of my mind I knew that I really wanted to get to know him. I kept on thinking “what could go wrong, crush lang naman e” but I didn’t txt him right away I was still contemplating whether or not to text him. I haven’t had the courage of talking to a random stranger i liked and just suddenly text him. (baka isipin kasi nya tsk landi nmn ng babaeng to. or something like that) With that i decided not to text him unless i see him again, which i thought di ko na ulit sya makikita. hahah 

[sheempandalove]

Summer Love

Hello to sunny beaches, flip flops, sunglasses and a perfect tan. That’s probably how most of my friends are spending their summer time. While they were having fun in the sun i’m spending my whole two months of summer doing the exact opposite of all those things, i stayed in my room most of the time in front of my laptop which was the only type of light i usually got so instead of having that perfect tan i ended up like a very pale vampire. So what’s the reason why i didn't have an adventurous summer? It was because of a guy. Yes a guy that i met about a year ago right before summer began, I met him online, at first i was not interested chatting with and i felt like he didn't want to talk to me either. But one boring day we we’re both online he said hi and i said hi back, that was the start of our seemingly endless conversation. He was simple, and wanted a simple life and he was kind he has the brightest smile that would light up your world when he smiled at you. He was very cheezy he would tell me corny jokes and pick up lines and it made me laugh. He was interesting and smart we could talk about aliens and news and current events i loved every minute i talked to him. He’s from another country so our conversations we’re usually in the daytime and at night he had work. Then one perfect afternoon we we’re chatting and he just randomly said “i love you” then smiled at me and it seemed so natural when it came from him and it was like my mind was floating and my body was laying in a bed of flowers (okay too much) but it felt like that then i suddenly found myself saying i love you back, that’s how our summer love started. I chose to spend most of my summer days talking to him and i declined most of the offers of my friends to go out swimming. I was thinking that this was the only time we had to talk to each other and no amount of salty water could measure up to the feeling that he gave me, and i treasured every skype call (skype date) that we made and we talked about his travels and he’s favorite place to go to when he was in Paris, the notre dame church and our plans of him taking me there. It seemed romantic but he made me fall in love again with him every time he talked to my family, my little sister he would do this funny faces if my little sister was with me. So i pretty much spent last years’ summer with him and it was just perfect but as summer ended and classes began again and with our thesis that needed to be done our hours and hours of skype calls became minutes, our endless conversations were usually interrupted by calls from his office or classes i had to attend to. Our daily chats turned into rare moments that we we’re both online. And as the chats became less so did the i love yous. But we still tried hard sacrificing sleep or things to do just to compromise for months and i thought that we had things under control. But at some point i guess he just gave up but i was too blind to see that he was slowly falling out of love, at first his i love you turn in to love you and he would only say that if i was the first to say i love you. then the love you became just a beating heart emoticon and after that it just stopped but i was in denial i still loved him. The days where i chatted him “baby” and his reply would be “baby im here now” was gone. He wasn’t there he couldn't be there anymore and i dont think he wanted to be there anymore. I was loosing my boyfriend but what pained me most was that i was loosing a good friend. Talking to him had become my hobby, seeing him smile became my heroin and i was realizing at that moment that i couldn't have that anymore and all our plans of spending holidays together and seeing the notre dame church in paris will never happen. But me and my stupid heart still cling to that little hope that maybe it wasn’t over maybe we still can. So here we are another summer a year later and im still stuck in my room refusing to see the light of the summer sun and still hating to have that summer tan. I’m still in front of my laptop but instead of me talking to him, i’m here writing about him and what used to be our great summer love story. 

[sheempandalove]

The Absolute Pain Of Trying To Make Someone Love You Back

Maybe, for the first time, you’ve got something uncracked and unbroken; an encounter you didn’t expect would blossom into something you’d actually start to embrace. You’ve been searching for this your whole life; it’s so close you can practically touch it.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, the tables turn. He pulls away from you after he’s disclosed bits of his soul to you that he’s never disclosed to anyone before.

You don’t know whether it’s something you did or it’s just something he’s going through that he’s not telling you, but the not knowing drives you crazy.

You can tell the thrill for him has begun to fade.

Somewhere along the way, you fell in love with him.

And, through the thick of it all, your feelings won’t communicate with you anymore, either. Now, you can’t decipher whether you’re obsessed with loving him or obsessed with trying to get him to love you back.

So, you do your best to change. You compromise your morals, beliefs — the essence that makes you, you.

You try to revert back to the girl who won him over in the first place; the girl who hadn’t yet shown her blood and guts to him; the girl who was a flawless warrior in his eyes.

You study his family, his friends and everyone else close to him, desperately searching for the qualities he favors in them that you may be missing.

But, after endless research and countless attempts with no hint of success, your biggest fear comes true: You can’t make him love you back. You couldn’t do it even if you were the Princess of Wales.

What happened in the beginning was an illusion that became your distorted reality and you settled comfortably into the fantasy. You fought for something you didn’t even know you wanted, and now, it’s everything you’ve ever wanted and more.

You curse yourself for being so foolish. You question how you could have been so blind and how you could have let your guard down so easily when you had a gut feeling it wouldn’t work out.

You walk away, withered down, after having run the well dry.

-Sheena Sharma

[sheempandalove]

Sometimes i wanna be a panda, i’ll just sleep and eat all day and most people would still find me cute as hell. hahah 

[sheempandalove]

[sheempandalove]

THE SIGNS & THEIR SEASONS

Spring Signs (Aries, Taurus, Gemini): They love food. All of them. Extremely enthusiastic about food.

Summer Signs (Cancer, Leo, Virgo): Huge nature people even though they prefer being indoors.

Fall Signs (Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius): FUCKING UNPREDICTABLE. WATCH OUT.

Winter Signs (Capricorn, Aquarius, Pisces): Emotional roller coasters. Or emotionless roller coasters.

[sheempandalove]

Shop The Originals Merchandise: http://bit.ly/1eSCACi

More than the accent i love Klaus’ view about love, family and love <3 

[sheempandalove]

Someday someone is going to look at you like your the best thing in the world

Neyo

[sheempandalove]

 No matter how tired, irritated or stressed out i am i’ll always be their for my sisters 

[sheempandalove]

What the signs are made of

Aries: Lava

Taurus: Bacon

Gemini: Sprinkles

Cancer: Pizza

Leo: Tears of their ex lovers

Virgo: Bleach

Libra: Glitter

Scorpio: Coffee

Sagittarius: Mozzarella sticks

Capricorn: Nirvana CDs

Aquarius: Snow globe

Pisces: Vodka