shegunfire-blog

[shegunfire-blog]

No, no-one hears the singing bones And no-one sees the crying ghosts And everyone thinks I’m alone All alone

[shegunfire-blog]

That was all I dreamed about - escape.

[shegunfire-blog]

♗

* ACTS OF INTIMACY : OPEN

                            he had fallen asleep .  ava could tell by the rise and fall of his chest . by the stillness of his hand on her thigh . by the strange sense of peace which had suddenly settled across the room . boyd had always managed to FILL UP SPACES despite his size . every corner became his once he walked into a room , every atom within it was arranged to his liking . he had handed her a book to read ; a peace offering of sorts . ava had not been the same ever since she had left jail and boyd crowder had noticed it . he wanted ava’s wide smiles and butterfly kisses back . but there was so little of that woman left in her . the man had spent so much time carrying dynamite between his hands that it was no wonder that he still clung to the idea of CONTROL . ava understood him . and it was that empathy that would kill her in the end , that she was sure of .

                                 because when she offered to read it to him , ava wasn’t able to tell whether that had been the part that loved boyd who spoke or the one that feared him . he had , at some point , laid his head on her lap as she read through some polish guy’s poems , not really understanding a great deal of the stuff leaving her mouth . and when she felt the warmth of his breath against her leg , ava shivered . this , she thought , must be what it feels like to see a tiger up close . that sense of AWE and PANIC that rushed through her blood like it used to whenever bowman raised his voice or whenever boyd made love to her . it was the same kind of feeling . sharp , sudden , uncomfortable beneath the skin . 

                                ava could hear him breathing there . he looked comfortable despite the shitty office’s couch . there was something precious in this gesture ; it wasn’t a performance . boyd truly trusted ava enough to show himself vulnerable like that . but the blonde couldn’t bring herself to touch him . that would be pushing her luck . it would wound both he and her more than needed . this endless affection she held for the man , all this fucking love , it was choking her to death . ava wasn’t strong enough to kill boyd crowder nor strong enough to save him . she’d become as scared of him finding out the truth as she had been of bowman not enjoying his meal . blue eyes lowered to gaze at the end of the poem she had been reading .

“what you were will not happen again. the tigers have found me and I do not care.” 

                             boyd shifted a bit in his sleep and ava cried into her hands .

[shegunfire-blog]

me: make a serial killer to rp with the cool kids also me: just reboot hannibal lecter and throw him into the swamps

[shegunfire-blog]

♟ : Patching up a wound -- this at least is something i could see tim do sqbhsbghdg

* ACTS OF INTIMACY : OPEN

                          ava crowder tilted her head to the side as she watched tim gutterson wrap her left hand with layer after layer of bandages . she had gotten a few nasty looking cuts on herself while trying to run from a shootout . seemed like these were a mundane thing nowadays . every once in a while she’d find a bullet hiding in her plants or hidden away underneath her couch . another one to add to the pile ; tossed away into her trashcan like that day’s leftovers . there was something to be said about a WOMAN LIKE HER BEING SO COMFORTABLE AMIDST ALL THAT VIOLENCE . ava just couldn’t find anyone who’d be interested in hearing it . everyone in harlan had had someone else’s blood on their hands    ━━━   why should her story be any different ?

                          in ava’s opinion , it was far sadder when someone got to taste their own blood . and the more she watched the deputy, the more the blonde came to realize there was a layer of frailty tucked away in the depths of his being .    ❝        you got slapped around before , deputy ?    ❞     she asked casually . ava’s way of speaking could make even the most unpleasant of words sound like a song . SOME SONGS WERE BETTER LEFT UNSUNG .    ❝         i can always tell . it’s the jaw . i reckon folk like us tend to tighten it a bit too hard without much of a reason .    ❞     ava nodded and offered gutterson a small smile .  

  ❝        it’s like all of us still holdin’ somethin’ back to this day .     ❞      

[shegunfire-blog]

🏜

[shegunfire-blog]

I feel that who I am and who I was are different dreams,

José Saramago, from The Collected Novels; “The Gospel According to Jesus Christ,” (via violentwavesofemotion)

[shegunfire-blog]

Christina’s World by Andrew Wyeth (ca.1948).

[shegunfire-blog]

crovvder‌:

𝑨𝑽𝑨’𝑺   𝑨𝑫𝑨𝑴𝑨𝑵𝑻   𝑺𝑻𝑨𝑵𝑪𝑬    is   of   no   surprise   to   boyd ,    vexed   features   riddled   with   frustration ,    guilt    &    choked   affection .     growing   up ,    he’d   𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐈𝐒𝐄𝐃   himself   he’d   keep   from   his   own   daddy’s   ways   of   raising   children .     in   truth ,    he’d   envisioned   the   picture   in   passing   as   an   adult ,    BOURBON   in   hand ,    gaze   losing   itself   in   the   idea   while   the  screechy   jukebox   of   𝐨𝐥'   𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐧   𝐣𝐨𝐡𝐧𝐧𝐲'𝐬   bar   would   play   from   the   main   room .     proposing   to   ava   had   been   the   first   step ,    but   they’d   hardly   ever   discussed   𝐁𝐀𝐁𝐈𝐄𝐒 .     couldn’t   make   the   time   ‘tween   dealing   with   talkative   associates    &    downright   backstabbing   family   members .     &    the   picture   had   been   clear .     for   BOYD   CROWDER   liked   to   believe   he   would   be   a   good ,    devoted ,    doting   father     ━━━     &    even   more   so   to   a   child  borne   from   𝙝𝙞𝙨   𝙖𝙫𝙖 ;    loved   by   her .     IF   ONLY   SHE   WOULD   GIVE   HIM   THE   CHANCE .          ❝     you’re   right ,    ava .     an’   i’m   more’n   willing   to   help   in   giving   him   that   chance .     ❞          tattoos   inked   into   his   skin ,    burning   with   a   persistent   fire   but   he’d   never   ridded   himself   of   them .     keepsakes   of   a   time   long   GONE .     but   there’s   no   color   to   𝐂𝐑𝐈𝐌𝐄 .     no   smell .     only   the   lingering   taste   of   copper   stuck   to   his   tongue ,     a   deep   crimson   tainting   his   fingers   that   only   he   can   see    &    that   she   remembers .     thus ,    no   desperate   occurrences   of   𝙄'𝙑𝙀   𝘾𝙃𝘼𝙉𝙂𝙀𝘿   would   carry   weight   into   her   ears .     would   instead   sound   a   joke   rolling   on   his   sharp   tongue ,    &    yet   he’d   𝐋𝐄𝐅𝐓   𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐋𝐀𝐍   𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐕𝐄 ,    hadn’t   he     ?     wasn’t   that   a   proof   of   goodwill   in   itself     ?

the   boy   lifts   his   gaze    &    the   man’s   eyes   find   unexpected   solace   in   those   innocent ,    PROTECTED   pupils ,    free   from   the   gruesome   visions   both   𝐁𝐎𝐘𝐃    &    𝐀𝐕𝐀   had   suffered   through .     with   the   exchanged   glance    &    inquisitive   rise   of   child’s   brow ,    boyd’s   lips   part ,    pull   into   a   genuine ,    longing   grin ;    one   almost   knowing ,    as   if   understanding   was   shared   in   the   simple ,    silent   greeting .     the   moment   passes …     &    boyd’s   eyes   return   to   ava ,    meet   hers   momentarily   as   he   SIGHS .     𝐃𝐄𝐅𝐄𝐀𝐓’s   always   left   a   bitter   taste   in   any   crowder’s   mouth ,    but   the   situation   requires   he   BACKS   DOWN        (     &    preserves   their   son   from   a   scene   boyd’d   witnessed   routinely   at   zachariah’s   age     )          &    leaves   her   side ,    coming   to   a   squat   in   front   of   the   boy .     another   stretch   of   lips ,   a   passing   show   of   teeth   as   he   reaches   for   his   back   pocket ,    takes   out   a   small   wrapping     &    hands   it   to   him .          ❝     i   brought   you   somethin’ ,    zachariah .     somethin’   very   precious   that   my   mama   used   to   read   to   me   when   my   brother   an’   i   were   barely   older’n   you  are .     ❞          𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐞   𝐢𝐬𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐝 .     young   boyd   would   carry   with   him   the   tales   of   buried   gold ,    seafaring   pirates    &    the   value   of   FRIENDSHIP .          ❝     perhaps   your   mama’ll   do  the   same ,    sometime .     ❞          fingers   reach   up ,    run   through   an   already   thick   lock   of   brown   hair   atop   zachariah’s   head,    shift   down   to   his   plump   cheek    &    rest   there   a   while   before   boyd   rises    &    returns   to   ava ,    voice   LOWER ,    words   meant   for   her   only .          ❝     does   he   know     ?     ❞          short    &    to   the   point ,    much   like   the   concerned   gaze   he   casts ,    swallows   hard .          ❝     about   his   daddy     ?     ❞

                            his answer disarmed her . boyd had somehow become compliant under the barrel of her stare .  just like he used to before everything got ugly . back when they were younger and happier and dumber , ava knew she could trust the man to NOT TURN INTO FLAMES when close to her . memories cam rushing in and caused ava to cross her arms over her chest to protect her heart , fearing that she too might give in to something softer .  zachariah looked up at his father and that moment felt like something precious ; something rare . the blonde lowered her gaze , focusing on her bare feet and allowing boyd to have that meeting to himself . that was all the privacy ava could afford to offer him . the moment lasted for too long though . their stares met again . and she recognized the shade of honey touched by wildfire   ━━━  SWEET BUT FLAMMABLE . the mother stood her ground . and when boyd crowder sighed in defeat she realized how much they had both changed . her once full curled lips were pursed into a thin line . they had been so inviting when he had first moved in . now they bit at the inside of her cheeks and silently prayed for all of this to be over . and boyd ? boyd seemed to hang his head low ... an acknowledgment of something lost perhaps . something he had traded for what he could not help . VIOLENCE , GREED , DYNAMITE .

                                 when the blonde allowed herself to glance at her past lover crouching next to their son she saw the love that grew there . she watched zachariah’s tiny hands gladly taking the gift he had been handed only to stare at the stranger with wide dumbfounded eyes , filled with both admiration and uncertainty . both feelings that boyd crowder tended to bring up in adults . THAT PICTURE OF DOMESTICITY threatened to break her heart . ava saw the hand pressed against her son’s small round cheek and thought how much it would mean to zachariah to have it there to brush his tears away when waking from a nightmare or to teach him to write beautifully , much better than SHE EVER COULD . her nails sunk into the flesh of her arm leaving a red mark there . this is all in your head , ava thought with a flare of her nostrils , pinch yourself , woman . IT’S JUST A DREAM .

                                        she looked tired when boyd spoke to her again . his voice was low and desperate . somewhere behind him , ava could hear little hands tugging at wrapping paper . she straightened her back when looking back at the outlaw .       ❝      he knows he ain’t here .  ❞     she too was short and to the point . the dryness of her tone seemed uncalled for . for the first time in a long time, ava thought about having a drink if only to make her words seem silkier . after a moment of contemplating , she decided to grant boyd with something merciful .          

   ❝        ━━━   but he also knows his daddy loves him more than anythin’ . wherever the hell he is .  ❞    

[shegunfire-blog]

[shegunfire-blog]

me, writing anything other than angst: disgu s tin g

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♟ / yEARLY ANGST REUNION IS A THING. and it's our thing

* ACTS OF INTIMACY : OPEN

                   blue eyes lazily watched as skilled fingers peeled off the now bloodied bandages away from ava’s brand new wound. shot in the chest   ━━  𝚆𝙷𝙾 𝚆𝙾𝚄𝙻𝙳 𝙷𝙰𝚅𝙴 𝚃𝙷𝙾𝚄𝙶𝙷𝚃 ? after all the bruises she had found over her pale skin , this would be the one that’d stick with her forever . and yet it was the one that had hurt the least . boyd crowder was far gentler than his brother . didn’t matter whether the scent of gunpowder was permanently stuck under his fingernails , ava knew the softness those calloused hands were capable of ; she had witnessed it many times before . 𝚃𝙷𝙰𝚃 𝚃𝙴𝙽𝙳𝙴𝚁 𝙼𝙾𝙼𝙴𝙽𝚃 ( despite the crimson shade now staining his palms ) 𝚆𝙰𝚂 𝙽𝙾 𝙴𝚇𝙲𝙴𝙿𝚃𝙸𝙾𝙽 .

             having a bullet piercing through her flesh had been a breeze compared to the years of abuse she had suffered while married to bowman. the scar was ugly : a small circle of twisting skin desperately trying to regenerate itself and cover up the hollowness that , from time to time , still found itself oozing with blood . but as ava glanced down at it and watched boyd carefully cleaning it with a wet cloth , she couldn’t help but feel a distant sense OF PRIDE. the purple bruises once spread out across her ribs had been left there by a bitter possessive man. that little hole over her breast was there because of ava. she had agreed to this ; she had wanted to protect boyd just as much as he had wanted to protect her. 𝚃𝙷𝙴𝚈 𝚆𝙴𝚁𝙴 𝙴𝚀𝚄𝙰𝙻𝚂 𝚄𝙽𝙳𝙴𝚁 𝚃𝙷𝙰𝚃 𝚁𝙾𝙾𝙵. and the mere thought of that made the blonde’s heart throb. she loved boyd crowder enough to die for him.

            ❝      if you were lookin’ to get me undressed you could have just asked.    ❞     she playfully mentioned when feeling one of his hands brushing over the lace of her bra. she knew it hurt him to see her branded in the same way as he was. his eyes had been so focused and his jaw so tightly clenched during this little ritual of theirs that ava couldn’t help but think that the man might be punishing himself by forcing his stare to meet nothing but the blood and gore decorating her chest. had he raised his brown eyes once and he would have realized just how enthralled she was by him. ava just wanted to make him smile   ━━  wanted to reassure boyd that she didn’t regret 𝙰𝙽𝚈 𝙾𝙵 𝚃𝙷𝙸𝚂 . she ran one slim finger up his arm , offering boyd a sultry smirk.      ❝       no need to get your hands dirty like that.     ❞    

[shegunfire-blog]

I used to make long speeches to you after you left. I used to talk to you all the time, even though I was alone. I walked around for months talking to you. Now I don’t know what to say. It was easier when I just imagined you.

Paris, Texas | 1984 | dir. Wim Wenders

[shegunfire-blog]

nonsexual acts of intimacy --- select from the following for my muse to respond to:

♔ : Finding your muse wearing their clothes ♕ : Holding hands ♖ : Having their hair washed by your muse ♗ : Your muse falling asleep with their head in my muse’s lap. ♘ : Cuddling in a blanket fort ♙ : Sharing a bed ♚ : Head scratches ♛ : Sharing a dessert ♜ : Shoulder rubs ♝ : Reading a book together ♞ : Caring for each other while ill (specify which party is which) ♟ : Patching up a wound ♤ : Taking a bath together ♧ : Your muse playing with their hair ♡ : Accidentally falling asleep together ♢ : Forehead or cheek kisses ♠ : Your muse adjusting their jewelry/neck tie/ etc. ♣ : Back scratches ♥ : Your muse crying about something ♦ : Slow dancing

[shegunfire-blog]

timmgutterson‌:

the look she gave him through the net, though not exactly welcoming, wasn’t exactly unfriendly either and tim found himself snorting inelegantly at the greeting,  corner of his mouth ticking up with a surprised hint of amusement.  “ y’ know,  i thought of it, “ he jokingly admits,  continuing the banter in the same vein and feeling his shoulders relax despite initial wariness.  “ but art’s sooner t’ tell me where to shove it if i disturb his precious retirement,  rachel’s havin’ too much fun scarin’ some rookies into submission in seattle, nelson’s happy with his desk job and fuck knows what raylan’s up to these days other ‘n eatin’ ice cream and,  i don’t know, wrestlin’ gators in the glades——-  so you’re gonna have t’ do with just me, ‘m afraid.  “  for some reason, he didn’t find himself reluctant to share where the rest ended up,  not thinking she truly cared either way.  they all moved on from where they were near five years ago.  the ring now glinting on his finger sure as hell would attest to that.  

same could be said for her.  letting his eyes take his fill,  he noted she looked a lot less haggard than last time he’d seen her;  and not just outwardly,  but inwardly as well.  whatever struggles she’d gone through to get here,  it was clear that the last five years away from harlan had done her good.  she looked healthier,  happier,  more settled,  only the wary, hard glint remaining in those blue eyes reminding him of her roots.  

“ mild inconvenience aside,  mind if i come inside?  promise this ain’t official business and i’ll try not t’ take up too much of your time, but this’ll probably work better sittin’ down, “  his tone sobered and he felt a small stab of regret at the thought of somehow having to shatter the peace she’d managed to carve out for herself despite everything.  part of him still debated passing it off as a social visit,  but considering they’d never truly been involved in any kind of friendly manner beyond circumstances forcing them to interact under the guise of law enforcement,  she’d likely see it for the lie it was.  besides, if what raylan had hinted at was true,  he figured she’d rather know than be caught unawares;  there still was no immediate danger, after all.  

he wanted to make sure it remained that way.  

       ava listened quietly as gutterson listed all of the people who had, once, tried to cage her and that were now living better versions of their lives outside of harlan ; 𝐀𝐋𝐖𝐀𝐘𝐒 𝐅𝐀𝐑 𝐀𝐖𝐀𝐘 𝐅𝐑𝐎𝐌 𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐋𝐀𝐍. the blonde took a very small , very quiet crumb of pride when hearing about the short stories of tim’s department. they had needed her and boyd to show them ROCK BOTTOM in order move on and out of there. all the chaos they had brewed together had finally woke harlan’s finest. ava needed to convince herself she had some hand in that ; needed to take something HOPEFUL OUT OF THOSE DESPERATE TIMES.  the smile on her thin lips remains there ; that typical AVA SMILE that could linger charmingly over her mouth even when there was no room for sympathy AT HER DINNER TABLE. she drummed her nails lightly against the doorframe before offering her visitor a chuckle. 

   ❝     ya know, i changed a whole lot since we last met. really !  i quit smokin’ , i haven’t had a drink ever since i moved out here ‘n’ i’m bein’ a bit more selective ‘bout what men are allowed in the house. i’m sure ya understand.    ❞        the smile on ava’s lips doesn’t disappear but, without ever losing that hint of honey it always seems to carry, it does become less sincere.     ❝     ya ain’t here on official business ‘n’ ya ain’t here t’a make friends, agent gutterson  ━━  might as well get to t’a point.    ❞      

[shegunfire-blog]

Eyes—wild, laughing, yet desperate—

Virginia Woolf, from The Complete Works; “The Waves,” (via violentwavesofemotion)