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[shen-as-a-recluse]

When Insomnia Strikes Back

-Shen

It's half past two

and the world is asleep

except for the ache in my chest

and the hum

of everything you left behind.

I count the months

instead of sheep—

four now,

since you slipped beyond

where my hands could follow.

And still,

grief shows up uninvited,

like it owns the night.

But I let it stay.

Because even in this sleepless ache,

you’re here—

in the stillness,

in the sorrow,

in the love that refuses to close its eyes.

And tonight,

Just like every other night,

I miss you.

[shen-as-a-recluse]

Hi Asec,

It’s been ninety days since you left. Ninety days, and not one of them has gone by without me missing you like hell.

I still wake up reaching for you. I still sleep with your shirt beside me, still whisper your name when the nights get too quiet. I miss your arms around me, your kiss, the way you used to just be there beside me, and somehow, everything felt right. It still feels wrong without you.

These past three months have been the hardest of my life. It’s a heaviness that won’t go away. I keep wondering how long I can take this, waking up without you, pretending I’m okay. Truth is, I’m not.

No one has ever loved me the way you did. The way you looked after me, the way you stayed—even when it was hard. I’ve never felt that kind of love from anyone else, and I don’t think I ever will again. I loved you just as much, heart. With everything I had. I still do.

It’s lonely here without you. Everything’s quiet. I try to keep going, for the kids, for myself—but there’s a part of me that’s still waiting to hear your voice, still hoping you’ll walk through the door.

Please come visit me in my dreams tonight. I need you. Just a little while. Just to feel close again.

I love you always,

Shen

[shen-as-a-recluse]

Missing you everyday heart ...

[shen-as-a-recluse]

Part III 

The Rise Beneath 

-Shen

(For Russell) 

To love you

was to be unmade—

gently,

then all at once.

You tore the illusions

from my skin

like silk unraveling

in a storm.

I saw myself

through your gaze—

naked,

my soul laid bare,

stripped of all

but truth.

There is no hiding

from a love

that sees

the bones of you—

the lifetimes you've lived,

the scars you’ve carried

into each one.

We burned—

bright enough

to sear the heavens,

wild enough

to leave fingerprints

on time itself.

And when it was done,

when the fire cooled,

I was not what I had been.

I was ruin and rebirth,

ash and light.

You taught me

that love is not always soft—

it is a forge,

a mirror,

a storm,

a prayer.

And I,

who thought I knew

what it meant to feel,

learned that love

is becoming.

[shen-as-a-recluse]

Part II

When Memory Knocks

-Shen

( For Russell )

We have met before—

in lives forgotten,

names worn smooth

by the passing of centuries.

I remember you

not by face,

but by the echo.

In your silence,

the way time slows

when your shadow brushes mine.

Once, we danced

in temples of stone—

another time,

beneath moons that no longer rise.

Always meeting,

always parting,

always drawn back-

by some invisible thread

the Fates

refuse to sever.

You have burned

as the fire in my rebellion,

whispered as wind

through my ruin.

In every lifetime,

you are both my compass

and my undoing.

And still—

I reach for you

as stars collapse,

as galaxies fold in on themselves,

knowing that when the universe

is remade,

your soul will find mine again.

[shen-as-a-recluse]

Cosmic Entanglement 

-Shen

(For Russell,

my love for you transcends time and space.)

In the stillness,

the universe conspired—

weaving our souls together

in an unbreakable loop.

Without words,

our hearts spoke

across the space of locked gazes,

until the world faded

and nothing else remained.

Our love was ancient—

profound and primal,

etched into our bones,

a connection deeper than time,

more real than flesh.

Even now,

you stir within me—

a phantom ache,

Dangerous.

Exhilarating.

Yet still, 

etched into the marrow

of who we are.

 A spiritual tether—

transcending the physical.

Every lingering touch—

a silent supernova,

brilliant and intense,

as all other stars dimmed,

leaving only -

the raw electricity

of unspoken yearning,

of sensual gravity,

pulling us into each other’s orbit.

As time warped,

Our souls spun

in the stardust of 

shared secrets,

exchanged in a language

only our hearts understood.

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Midnight's Plea

If I could have one moment,

just one—

I would hold your face in my hands,

kiss your forehead,

and tell you all over again,

what I still say in silence:

Come back.

Even just for a breath.

Even just in a dream.

I love you more than life itself.

And even in death,

you are still the reason my heart beats at all.

------------------

*Forever yours,me

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Afternoon Tea

[shen-as-a-recluse]

Sa Kawalan

- Shen

Yakapin mo ako gaya ng langit sa mga bituin—malapit, walang pagitan sa atin

kundi hininga 

at ang mahina nating pagdampi.

Hagkan mo akong muli 

hanggang gumaan ang gabi,

at isasauli ko ang bawat halik—

Dahan-dahan sa iyong sentido,

Sa buhok mong tila ulap sa aking mga daliri

pabalik sa iyong mga mata

sa  ilong-

Habang nakapahinga sa kurba ng iyong mga pisngi,

ang aking mga palad.

Paulit-ulit kong ibubulong sa iyong taingang,

"Mahal kita,"

marubdob,maalab-

tulad ng unang beses ko itong winika.

Muling kong ipapadama sa iyo

sa pagitan ng bawat bulong at buntong-hininga,

Sa muling pagtatagpo ang ating mga kaluluwang gising pa.

Ngunit bakit,

Pilit pa rin kitang inaabot sa kawalan?

Gayong batid ko na

Hindi na kailanman 

Mararamdaman muli ng aking mga kamay

Ang init ng iyong haplos at mga yakap—

At sa bawat pagpikit,

Pagmulat ng aking mga mata-

Alam kong hindi na kita muling madarama.

At kung ang oras ay maaari kong pilitin,

Hihilingin kong bawiin, 

Kahit mapasumandali,

Ang lahat ng segundong lumipas na wala ka.

Tatakbo ako pabalik sa’yo nang nakayapak,

Habol ang abot-langit,

Hanggang sa kung saan ka nawala sa liwanag.

----------

*Para kay Russell

[shen-as-a-recluse]

Love Beneath Closed Eyes*

-Shen

And when I sleep,

don’t let me forget.

Please—visit me.

Hold me close,

And kiss me softly on the lips.

Even if it’s only in my dreams,

I’ll feel you alive again.

I loved you in the hush of all my yesterdays,

and I will love you still,

Through the long unfolding of days

That rise without you.

With every second my heart beats,

and with its final stop.

With every tear that slips in silence,

Every breath that aches with your name—

This is how far my love reaches.

-----------------------------

*For Russell, I miss you in every moment,love you in every breath,and carry you beneath every closed eye.

[shen-as-a-recluse]

We called each other Heart. It wasn’t just a nickname—it was a promise, a truth, a rhythm we lived by. From the moment we met, there was a quiet certainty, like we'd already found home in each other. He wasn't the type to say flowery words, but he showed his love in every gesture: the roses he never forgot to bring, the chocolates and strawberries he bought even when money was tight, the medicine he bought for me instead of himself. He put me first in all the ways that mattered. He moved to a place he didn’t want just to see me smile. He cooked for me when I was tired, cared for me when I was sick, made sure I was safe, full, and heard.

Even in his silence, his love was loud.

Now that he’s gone, the word Heart means more than ever. It carries his voice, his laughter, his sacrifices, his warmth beside me at night. It’s what I still call him whenever I speak to him. Because he wasn’t just my heart. He is my heart—still beating, still loving, still here in all the spaces between.

I miss you terribly, Heart Russell San Juan .I love you so much. ❤

[shen-as-a-recluse]

Untouched Roses

-shen

The roses remain,

unopened, silent.

No sweet words, no teasing laugh,

just the weight of what’s missing.

It was our day—

the laughter, the touch,

the simple love you gave.

But this year, it’s just me

and the roses,

waiting for you to come back

in the way you always did.

*******

Missing you day by day, heart@Russell

I love you so much.

This poem is for you.

[shen-as-a-recluse]

[shen-as-a-recluse]

A Minute More

-Shen

I press your photo to my lips,

salt from my tears smudging your smile.

The frame is cold, but I hold it

like it might soften—might answer back.

Your pillow still carries

a shadow of your scent,

faint as a prayer

I keep whispering in the dark.

I wrap myself around what’s left—

cotton, wood, memory—

kiss the silence

where your shoulder used to be.

If time would mercy me,

just once,

let me borrow you

for one more minute—

not forever, just now—

enough to feel your breath

warm against my cheek

before the world takes you again.

[shen-as-a-recluse]

I miss you so much, Heart.It's been two months since you passed away. I promise you, you will always be in my heart. Thank you for loving me unconditionally until your last breath. I love you so much😭❤

[shen-as-a-recluse]

Miss you, Heart Russell