shinysoulmoon

[shinysoulmoon]

Friendships

I cannot even imagine where I would be today were it not for that handful of friends who have given me a heart full of joy. Let's face it, friends make life a lot more fun. — Charles R. Swindoll

“Better be careful of her and keep your distance from her. She’s using you.” That was the warning my mum gave to me when she first saw her. She may not have been born from a rich prestigious family or have a very good result but I have always considered her as a best friend of mine since the nightmare happened. Some boys would trigger me by reminding me of the incident that happened in class when I was 7. Some even treat me differently by laughing or mocking me when bias happens within the teachers.

She was all I had in school. So when she wants me to help her, I will try my best in helping her to get what she wants, including cheating in exams. She was never the smart and hardworking type of girl. She despises it when people say that she is the canteen lady’s daughter. But I don’t mind. I actually find favor in her mum. I have always envied her for having such a caring and loving mother.

Her mum, always in a red-striped apron, with the biggest smile I’ve seen that time. I loved to go to the canteen whenever all the kids went back to class. But she hated it when I told her that I wanted to go to the canteen or when her mum asked her to help her in the canteen. She may not show her displeasure out loud but her expression gave it all away. One moment she might seem very happy and the next she will change to a very fake smile when I start talking about going to the canteen.

Being the usual spoiled and self-centered brat who’s insensitive to everything, I paid no attention to my mum’s warning not knowing one day I’ll be deeply hurt by her.

[shinysoulmoon]

Fear

“Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering." — Yoda

I never consider myself as a brave person, in fact,I have always felt that I’m more of a coward. So, in addition to the fear of the dark, several incidents happened to me adding more to the new list of fear that I have. These incidents cause me to have my fear to - MEN.

When I was in kindergarten, I used to get along with anyone, no matter what gender they are. But an unfortunate thing happened when I just entered primary school. My seating was arranged next to a boy. I thought of the boy as a friend of mine and we sat side by side in the last row. As I was listening to the teacher in front, he reached out his hand and placed it on my thigh. I felt uncomfortable and removed his hand while asking him sternly not to do it again. To my shock, the boy just looked with a smirk on his face while reaching out his dirty claws to my thigh AGAIN!!! The only difference is that this time it's higher than the previous and it makes me even more uncomfortable.

Fear and on the verge of crying, I managed to grab hold of my last sense of sanity and report this matter to the teacher. Unknowingly, this decision of mine resulted in a huge, irreversible outturn. The teacher treated this matter as two kids fooling around and no apology was required. When this is known by other students, in an instance, I became the laughing stock in the class. On and off, people keep bringing this matter up to laugh at me and trigger me.

If only nightmare can end as early as it should. Two years later, a boy from my class started following me everywhere. The fear of recurrence resulted in me running away. Hiding in the ladies is the silliest action a victim can make. Yet, I did it. Yup. OMG!!! Seriously, why was I so silly at that time. Luckily, nothing serious happened. The boy just waited outside the ladies until the bell rang and I exited the ladies.

I rushed back to the classroom in hope that all this that’s happening can stop since there are more people in class. It didn’t really strike me that I could actually ask for help if I wanted. But since justice wasn't served in the incident that happened two years ago. What possibly made me think that there might be any difference this time. I definitely wouldn’t want people gossiping behind my back or making jokes and fun of me. I may be a coward but definitely not a sadist.

Two incidents with boys and I was already convincing myself that there is no need for a man to be in my life. High school, the period when a person's happiest and sweetest moment is created. I remember there’s this boy who was different from all the other guys. With me trying to be as invincible and unnoticeable as possible in class, this boy was like the sun. He’s always happy and laughs a lot. Giving others warmth and happiness. For the first time ever, I felt that maybe a guy isn't as dangerous as I thought.

His grades are good, and he represents the school in ping pong competition. Being in a prestigious school, the students are requested to be either good in grades or able to represent school in a competition and get some achievements. Even better, if the student is able to do both, which I personally think this is him. Two years. We were placed in different classes for TWO YEARS. During these two years, I tried my best and placed a lot of determination to change myself.

One step at a time, I slowly gathered the courage to speak to a male. Everytime I thought of giving up, I would think of him. So, I started from, talking to my male class monitor with at least two rows of desks between us to be able to suppress my fear and disgust towards male and have a normal conversation with them.

People keep saying, “Sweet 16.” Well, mine is indeed sweet 16 for the first half of the year. When I saw the list of names in my class, I could feel as though trumpets of victory were sounding around me. My hard work finally paid off. Not only did I get to be in the same class with him, but maybe, just maybe I can start talking to him. Memories of how I had the first conversation with him were still fresh like yesterday.

I was tingling with excitement when I asked him whether he still remembered me from the same class two years ago. The moment my question came out, I could feel like the air turned quiet and awkward for a quick instant. He couldn’t remember me nor recognise me. For a moment of time, it was like my heart was placed on a roller coaster. Going up high and only to drop in an instance into a pit of hot embarrassment. But soon enough, I was able to console myself at least I didn’t leave him a bad impression. It wasn’t exactly a good start but I guess, I do leave him some impression because quickly we managed to be friends.

We managed to maintain contact even after we graduated and I flew to Singapore while he went to Japan to further our studies. Little do I know that this small little peace that I had will be gone in an instance. During my first short study break, I went back to Malaysia and invited my childhood/best friend out for a catch-up. To my shock, she invited this boy, who used to confess to me twice in a year and caused a lot of people to tease me and him in school. Seriously, it caused me a lot of nuisance.

When I saw him, he gave me the lamest excuse saying that it was a coincidence and he happened to be in the shopping mall. If it wasn’t my friend who gave me a heads up minutes before he appeared, I might have actually believed him. It would have been a lie if I say that I don’t feel betrayed but she explained to me saying that she thought maybe he might be the one for me. I loved her so much that after hearing her explanation, I don’t blame or get angry with her.

Nevertheless, I still have to get rid of this trouble once and for all. But somehow, I don’t exactly want to get near to him and my senses never fail me. He sticks to me like glue ever since we met and told me while we were in a bookstore, “Since you’ll be working as a nurse, if I want to see you next time, I will hurt myself to get into the hospital to see you.” WHAT IN THE WORLD!!! He has got to be CRAZY. Frightening thoughts raced through my mind. A haze of fear surrounded me and I hurried to find my friend for comfort. When my friend found out about it, a chill ran down her spine. She started to serve as a bodyguard for me and keep me away from the boy.

I guess that was the final straw that broke the camel’s back. I started having doubts about myself. I could still remember, I was told by my previous deskmate that my voice sounded very soft and gentle making me seems like I’m flirting with everyone even though I didn't mean it. Thus, I tried to change the way I talk. I tried to lower my tone and speak in a harsh way. But when a change lasted for a long time, we tend to forget its original form.

As time passed by, I grew tired and started asking myself, “How have I changed so much that I can no longer remember what it feels like to be happy and carefree. Why can’t I just be myself and stop caring too much about other people’s comments.” It was around then that I placed a motto for myself to just be myself. I just want myself to be happy and stop pretending as what others wanted.

[shinysoulmoon]

Dream

“Ever experienced staying in a dark room with no one beside you?” 

I had a dream similar to this before. Each time I'm in that dream, I can feel myself getting eaten up by the darkness and loneliness one part by one part. The dream doesn't occur to me just once, but THRICE!!!

The first time I had this dream was when I was a teenager. A girl was crying in the middle of the room alone. She was sitting there with her head between her knees and her hands wrapped around her legs. Obviously, I could not see her face. But somehow, the girl gave off a vibe of sadness and loneliness. It was so contagious that I, too, feel the same way. Unsure if it was due to  the vibe or fear of the dark, a sense of suffocation caught up to me. Out of the sudden, a soft thumping sound cut across the silent and dark place making a huge contradiction to the default setting. 

“THUMP!!! THUMP!!! THUMP!!!…”, It sounded like a heartbeat. Could it be? Keeping myself calm in times like this was crucial but as the sound gets louder and louder, I started to find myself trying to catch my breath. Then everything changed, I found myself opening my eyes and the surroundings changed back to my room. The sticking of moist and warm fabric to my face, unknowingly it's sweat or tears that wet my pillowcase, makes me wonder, “Is this the reality or another dream that I’m having.”

The dream felt so real that each time I dreamt of her, I can feel myself being pulled closer and closer to her as if gravity is pulling me towards her. Yet, her face was always a mystery to me. The strongest memory of the girl was that she was wearing a white dress and her head was cushioned on the knees, facing downwards. The surroundings were pitch dark but I could feel that she was crying even though I never saw her face nor tears. 

The same dream kept going on and on until one day, I could no longer see the little girl and I noticed a frightening truth. I AM THE GIRL. The mystery has finally been solved. The so-called mysterious girl in the dark turns out to be me, myself all along. Hilarious, right? Who would have thought the person who had been feeling that she was a bystander ended up to be the main character who is crying alone in a pitch dark room? 

So, the joke has always been on me. There is never a fantasy filled with puffy clouds, unicorns, or happily ever after. After all, where there's light, there is always darkness. Bit by bit, the darkness wobbled me up whole leaving me nothing but tears, sadness, loneliness and suffocation. There's no way out of the darkness. Not even a single spark of light was able to escape into the room. Darkness and loneliness was everything that accompanied me in the room.

I know how people might say. Some may say, "It's just your imagination, just a dream. There's nothing to be scared of." Some may even laugh it off. Some may also say that the dream is the opposite of reality. To me, the dreams that I had felt so real that I wouldn't have woken up if it wasn't because my heart was palpitating like crazy and hot tears rolling down my cheek. It doesn’t matter how much I cry or scream in the room, all I can feel is that I'm sinking deeper and deeper into the dark realm and it scares me.

As I entered my young adult years, I started to learn more on physical health and mental health. I actually self-diagnosed myself with nyctophobia. Sometimes, I would even go to the extent of trying to hypnotise myself, telling myself that maybe my phobia wasn't caused by the dream. Maybe it is due to the fear and helplessness I felt during my toddler years. 

After all, being locked up in a dark and quiet toilet just because you can't finish your food and vomit them out does sound a bit scary for a kid who hasn't even entered kindergarten. No matter how much you cried and begged them to open the door, they just ignored and threatened you not to tell your parents about it. You know that it is the reality and nothing can change what has happened. So, even though I used to despise them, but when I noticed I can never change the past I let go of my hatred. But it doesn’t mean the harm that they caused me has been forgotten. After all, a scar in the heart is not easy to remove.