shit-i-wont-say

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I am still worried about you. I can still feel you out there. My mouth tastes like metal in the afternoon at my desk job. And I’m checking your local obituaries and the crime reports. All you have to do is do better, stop going worse.

[shit-i-wont-say]

How luck am I to have so many people to rely on :)

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Hey. As unnecessary as it is; I don’t work in a gas station. I work at boutique down town. I’m doing well there, and I really enjoy my job. I’m having so much fun there. It really pains me to think that you want to ruin that. I understand it’s a hard concept to grasp, but I just didn’t have interest in our friendship anymore. I didn’t think there was a need for all this drama. If you want to know the drama, here it is:

You complain about problems that are absolutely fixable. You think your shit don’t stink and you’re problems are life shattering and everybody else is just a pussy.

I am so so sorry you had a shitty childhood. I don’t think that’s fair for anybody. But I will not feel guilty because a thousand miles away, I grew up well. You’re choosing to be a shitty adult and you’re in your twenties STILL blaming your parents (who you left at what like 16?). You’re pathetic for thinking it’s still their fault.

You make the gay community look bad. I might be a cis bi woman dating a man, but what the fuck are you? You tell people you want them to be confused. You buy lingerie but hate being “feminine”. To each their own, but stop telling the PUBLIC this shit. It represents trans people everywhere as a confusing concept.

Fuck your opinion on authority figures. Fuck your disrespect for teachers. You have not IEP because you don’t have anything wrong with you. That’s my god damn parents you’re talking about. Fuck you. Police and other authority figures all have bad deeds. Why group them together? That’s why we have racists in this country today.

There. There’s your drama. I held this in because I don’t want to hurt your feelings the way you’re going about hurting mine. Yes, you win. You get to work at the seafood restaurant and I don’t because I was fired. And you called me a cunt. To the boss. You are the winner, I hope the prize fills that emptiness you have inside. I understand you act the way you do because you’re used to throwing tantrums. I get that. Luckily for me, I’ve landed on my feet. If the gossip keeps you going, Godspeed. I know I’ve made my mistakes. I did not think it was so bad to loose touch with a friend that wasn’t on a solid foundation.

I wish you and Nemo the very best. Congratulations for everything you have and will achieve. Run my name into the ground, I’m only here for seven months. Enjoy it.

[shit-i-wont-say]

After trying to do it all; I failed at everything. My entire world is crashing down around me. I don’t understand it but at least I know my dad is watching over me.

“Give me one reason not to slit my wrists up” and you send my dog up to me and give me love. I know you’re hearing me.

I just wish you were here.

[shit-i-wont-say]

People still check my arms.

I guess I’ll just never grow out of it.

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I feel like I don’t look like one of those girls. Like I just won’t ever look like a put together person. I thought it was my curly hair and acne but I think it’s just my facial structure like I just don’t have it.

[shit-i-wont-say]

It’s the fucking way you speak.

[shit-i-wont-say]

I’m watering the wrong plants and starting the wrong fires.

Although everything deserves a chance to grow, perhaps in a different lifetime I could be a master of the natural elements.

Unfortunately, a weed is all I seem to deserve.

[shit-i-wont-say]

Not sure if ever after was ever in the cards for me. There’s a million things I am so grateful that I didn’t end my life back when I was a moody teenager, but Jesus Christ these conflicting feelings make things seem almost not worth it.

[shit-i-wont-say]

Songs just don’t hit the same way when I know you would love them. It sucks even more knowing I won’t be the one to show you it for the first time and that privilege is given to somebody else.

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I wish I could be a little more naive, definitely wish I wasn’t sober. You’re still undressing me in your head. Maybe I deserve to to be dead.

[shit-i-wont-say]

But why did you have to sound so good in the phone

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How far can a leashed heart wander?

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Independent Girl

I am not independent because that was the way I was raised. I am not independent because I have something to prove. I am not a feminist.

There were so many many times you disappointed me. I had to struggle my way to find happiness with you. You let me down so many times and I refused to quit.

You taught me not to expect anyone to do anything for me. When I wanted something, and you offered, I knew I had to do it on my own.

I’m not independent, I am still over compensating for you, all these years later.

It’s still fucking about you.

[shit-i-wont-say]

Sometimes I miss you so much, I forget who you actually are.

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Is it that I want you to be able to read my mind, and know what I’m thinking or do I just wish you felt what I feel when I felt it?