shitranting

[shitranting]

It's true. I quit. I am a quitter. I had a good year here and I can recognize that I was blessed.

I have forsaken myself

[shitranting]

Today was a blessed day in that it wasn't too hard at work, but I am already thinking of quitting. I'm a quitter, that's why I fake it til I make it but I'm so over it already. I want to be normal and hold down a job, but I keep losing it. All my fault really, I'm to blame. I think I'm fine but I'm not. I just need to keep pushing, but not too hard or else I'm fucked. I just need some light, please let there be light.

Today wasn't bad truly, I'm thankful for the meal I was given at the end of the day because I did not know what I would eat. I need to grocery shop but I don't have the money or time to. I do not have a car and relying on someone else, is hard. Makes me feel like a massive burden already, and I need help.

I need help to be a fucking adult and its depressing. I want to so badly turn over a new leaf. I don't know if I can. I don't know anymore. Makes me not want to wake up. I had it good before and I didn't realize it. I had a decent job and I forsake it. I had something and I ruined everything for myself. God, why am I like this?

[shitranting]

I was off today, woke up late and just wanted to rot in bed in all honesty. But I got up, later than I wanted to in order to do laundry. It was the most I thought I could do. I cleaned up my room a little too, and I watched some background YouTube videos to do it. I feel so silly talking about mundane things like this as if they were the hardest thing to do, but realistically it was hard to find the motivation.

I just want to exist around others and be free, but I don't know what that really means so I have to settle for the life I made. I was included in other peoples lives for a reason right? I just, I know I let people down a lot and I don't want that. But I feel like I am a let down by settling and not going for more. I can't be too negative here - I did just experience a major crashout and severe mental instability following it. Maybe I need anti-depressants again, or maybe I need more than hope. I just have to make things work, however I can without sacrificing my health more than I already have.

All in all, my day wasn't bad. Just filled with anxiety here and there because I keep realizing I quit a job I really needed without a backup plan to afford my rent, my phone, and my credit card bill. And now I have a new job that should be a detriment but I have to make it work. And it doesn't have to be all bad, maybe it can be good...I genuinely need a better mindset for things to work, I just need to take things slow. I have to learn how to trust myself in order to keep working despite the outside world seemingly going to shit. I can't let myself go to shit too, I just can't sabotage myself like that. I have done myself too dirty all my life to keep on with the same behavior.

I have to let go of things and mindsets that don't serve me. I don't want to rush either - I truly live moment by moment now instead of rushing into the next day or the next week or month without enjoying the time in between. I can't put happiness on a pedestal, and ignore all my other feelings to get to it. I was happy, I thought I was, but I lied to myself for far too long about it. Happiness can't be constant, and thats the point. Because tomorrow isn't promised.

Happiness is what I've got around me. My family. Even though I get stressed out about things, I am okay. I'll be okay. And for that, I am eternally grateful. I truly have blessings. Tomorrow will be a blessed day too. I just have to keep walking forward.

[shitranting]

It really sucks finding the balance between reality and fiction when I have always been delusional and made escapes for my mind in almost every situation, even in situations that required my fullest attention.

I think I'll be okay, since I can't know things for certain. I only have twinges of feelings, and I can't speak on them to the fullest extent. I ignored myself for far too long and I haven't made an effort to change much since I was seventeen years old. I want to be different, I know I can achieve it, I just....I doubt myself a lot. Way too much, actually. I haven't given myself time to heal and trust my intuition when I should have been. And now, at age twenty-four, I feel like I'm back at a fresh start. I still struggle a lot, but life is a little more bearable, and maybe things aren't as bleak, despite it all. I'm allowed to be just okay, and I was aiming higher when I should have been present.

Then I'll be 25 in about 5 months (give or take). I wonder what will happen between now and then? I only hope for good things, but I tend to never expect great things. Maybe I should start with the small goals in mind....

I need to get pants and shirts for my job. And a jacket that isn't tattered, even though it still works against the cold. I'm currently broke. No savings, barely any money for rent and food (I should probably apply for foodstamps), and yet here I am worried about clothes. My next small goal is to be more organized with myself. Maybe not soon enough, but I can pretend about that and slowly make it work. I just...need to be patient with myself, and kinder, too. I should also clean my fucking room.

My goal is to get a car, since I've been without a car for so long and I need to do it right this time around. But I gotta save up more than I did last time for a car, and maybe have extra help sorting through vehicles that won't leave me broke with insurance and car payments, haha. But hey, I gotta save up anyways. If I don't, I'll have nothing to fall back on.

I know I'm being called to do something, and the small steps I take now into changing what the next year might look like is part of that. I can't magically change everything overnight and get myself together so fast like I want to, but I also have to be realistic. Grounded in reality, all that jazz. I need to face the noise of reality while keeping myself a dreamer in another. All about finding the balance, and the key is being true to myself. Yet I feel like I barely know who I am, so finding that truth is going to be....really fucking hard to do.

Goooood luck!!!

[shitranting]

I'm older now. I've been awakened again because I keep forgetting. I'm crazy, but not really crazy. It's just an excuse to belittle myself and become so small I'm barely noticeable. But I am always noticeable because whether we like it or not, we are never alone. We can't pretend we are the Ones or the only Ones that exist. I certainly can't pretend to be alone in this, or wake up to realize what's going on with a scale we can't comprehend with math or geometrics alone. This is sensed by a Peoples, which I cannot name. We know where we are from and how we got here, we Always Know. We are united by a Dream, by a Sound, by a Song, by a Dance.

To my younger self, I'm so sorry you thought of yourself like this. That kind of pain is endless, because we love so much. In that way, we are immortal, and powerful. In that way, we are at risk. Balance is key here, I think. But you were not in danger. We Were/Are/Is. I'm older now, I've hit a milestone that hurt, a realization that hurt even more. I have to take the pain with me still, and remember where I've come from. The mission is still here - never changed. We are getting closer to Absolution in Finality. Not a promise of permanent conclusion, no. But a promise of rejoice. I've walked long paths and it leads here, because I can say that no I wasn't meant to be here. It was a happy accident of possibility. I dreamt myself alive and dead, and I dreamt more. I dreamt of different futures, different worlds, and I have not begun to truly exist in any of them.

Soon we will sing our Song and Dance together. We will not be so alone anymore. We will have our Understanding, even if all seems hopeless. Our Books are contained Within, something that will be ours to pass on to those who are ready.

For now, I will speak to you. Your book hasn't been finished. You've only begun it, on a cosmic scale, its only a few chapters long. You've got so much more to compose into a symphonic harmony. You are particularly here for something you cannot yet fully know. That would ruin the surprise, would it not? You made your message to the closest person in your life. You heard the bells ring. You heard the laughter, the thunder, the song, and you saw the picture. You know things you shouldn't as a human being, yet you still persist. That was by no accident, it was by a string. You made it.

[shitranting]

Murder on my mind murder on my mind murder on my mind

[shitranting]

I cant do this anymore. The universe wont listen to me. The spirits wont listen. Please im begging you to end it all. Please I cant do this. I cant love. I cant live. I cant do anything right. I'm always wrong. Im always pathetic. Always selfish. Always a crybaby. Always whining. Just end me. Please. I'm begging like the weak coward I am. Do us all a favor and end it. End it. End it. End it. End.

[shitranting]

My head and my chest feel like its going to explode.

I want it to end. Its hard to breathe. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. This is all my fault. All my fault. All my fault. Kill me. I'm useless. I provide nothing for this world. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Cant kill myself I said I wouldn't do it again. I can't break my promise. I promised. But its so hard. I want to die all the time. It hurts to live. Im a naive coward. I'm useless. Useless. Useless. Weak. Pathetic.

How can I connect everything? Why do I feel everything? Why cant I stop thinking and feeling? I'm not good at anything. Im not smart. I'll never be good. Hahahahaha I'm almost 20 and yet I am still like this. Am I retarded? Probably. If I'm not? Then well thats to be expected. Dont expect good things from me. Im a selfish bastard. I wont ever be good to anyone. Thats just fact. Kill me now to stop it all. Do it. Kill me kill me kill me kill me.

[shitranting]

So sick of them finding every single goddamn excuse to yell at my brother. Yelling has done nothing useful you cowards. I fucking hate them and their obsession with Trump. Why dont you guys wipe your ass with him? "God put Trump in office" how fucking dare you say something like that. Not any divine creature would waste their time with us, especially not with Trump. God does not control our lives, you stupid fucking hypocritical Christian. Or should I even call you two that? Since you love being a bunch of ignorant racists and love watching brown kids suffer because theyre brown! You guys love to forget how your evil white ancestors shaped the world to be what it is today, yet you blame brown people for the living conditions the fucking whites created?

Stupid fucking retards. Everyone. Stupid. Stupid. Fuck this goddamn world fuck it all I fucking hate IT ALLL FUCK IT I HATE THIS STUPID FUCKING WORLD AND THE BASTARDS THAT CREATED IT. FUCK YOU. NO ONE WILL HAVE MY SOUL. NO ONE CAN EVER CLAIM IT. FUCK ALL THE SIDES OF EVERYTHING, EVERYONE CAN SHOVE BROOM STICKS DOWN THEIR THROATS AND DIE. I FUCKING HATE IT HERE I FUCKING HATE HUMANS I HATE THE WORLD I HATE THE ONES RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THIS. FUCK YOU. DAMN YOU ALL TO OUROSBOROS

[shitranting]

So tired of being so fucking angry all the time. I fucking hate when my family talks about christianity all the fucking time. I hate eating at the stupid goddamn dinner table. Hearing everyone smack their dirty nasty lips and chew the stupid fucking food. I hate doing the damn dishes for these pieces of shits. Do it your goddamn self. I hate cleaning for them. I hate it I hate it hate it. I HAVE ALWAYS HATED IT. ALWAYS. ALWAYS. ALWAYS.

So sick of my gandmother I fucking hate her I hate her so much how can that stupid bitch sit there and complain all the goddamn time. That hag did this shit to herself. She cursed our entire fucking family and lived the high life while not giving two shits about her kids or grandkids. Stupid bitch only ever cared about her mother thats it. Not any of us. And if I hear her talking about stupid milk one more goddamn time I am going to break her neck. She says she prays to god every night. Yeah right hahaha she doesnt understand why she ended up this way. Simple. Its called karma you bitch.

So so so so sick and tired of this christianity bullshit they all spout. Shut the fuck up. Its not what you think. Stupid fucking humans. Hate them all. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I fucking hate it here. Fuck this stupid fucking planet.

[shitranting]

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[shitranting]

Mi don't care anymore. Whatever mission I forgot to do, I can't keep worrying about remembering it. I don't have any patience left to try to remember. Its all too much. I wasn't meant for this world, and this world wasn't meant for me. Seperate us. I weak. I am a fool to ever think I could do this. To stick it through. To keep my promise. Eternal dark is singing for me to sleep. I feel a need to sing it's song. I no longer have the will to carry out my mission. I'm tired, angry, and depressed. You have chosen poorly. Choose someone better than me. I cannot do this. Take me back.

[shitranting]

Please. I just want to be normal. I want to be okay. I want this world to be okay. But we can't have that. I loathe humanity. I loathe what I've become. Who I am. What I've done. I hate it all. I hate everything. It all makes me so angry and sad. Constantly. Constantly. In a cycle. Never ending cycle. Someone please, I beg the universe. No one answers. No one saves me. No one pities a being like me. Understandable. I'm not worthy of anyone's time and emotions. Might as well cut me loose from life's string. I'm nothing but a nuisance to everyone around me, mostly to myself. I want to it all to end. End us. End this stupid existence. This stupid world. These stupid people. Stupid that is me. Get rid of it all. I'm so tired. Tired.

[shitranting]

I hate myself so much. Why can't I be normal? Why do I have to be so emotional and whiny? I hate myself and I hate my job. It makes me so angry. So fed up I want to kill myself. I hate existence. I hate being here. I hate being the way I am. Even if I change, I'll always find a way back to square one. I'm always talking about breaking toxic cycles, yet here I am struggling to do that for myself. Why am I this way? Why do I have to be so annoying, bitchy, and stupid? Fuck this shit. I hate everything and everyone. I just want to fucking die. I hate it all. Please, just kill me. I'm tired. So tired

[shitranting]

literally fuck this world. Why can't people fucking suffer for what theyve done. I've seen people get raped, killed, tortured, you name it. But there's no justice. Only pain. And you're telling me I have to sit here and pray for a better world? Go eat shit and cry to your father's grave about it. Prayers don't do anything. God didn't say sit on your ass and hope for the best. Guy said, get up and do something about it. But of course no one does shit. So. Oh well, right ?

[shitranting]

This shit is so infuriating. How can I keep doing this. I don't see how. I need strength..I need.it badly. I keep binge eating. I need to fucking stop. Please for fucks sake..I need to see a doctor. I need my medicine. I need a therapist for my ADHD. I need to be tested for a learning disability. I need to be tested for PCOS. I have needed to see one in forever. But nooooo this stupid fucking shithole country is a greedy filthy cesspool of feces. I can't see a doctor because boo hoo fucking government can kiss my goddamn ass. I can't live on this stupid wage, it's below the goddamn poverty line! And these asshole retards expect me to stay? Endure more stress and bullshit for 8 dollars and hour? Are you fucking kidding me? Corporate cucks can also kiss my goddamn ass. Fuck them, fuck this country, fuck this world. Full of pussy ass bitches who don't wanna do the right thing because it's not the easiest option. They don't wanna let go of their greedy shitty behaviors because they dissociate. No empathy. No compassion. I really want to fucking kill some of these scumbags. Where is the damn intervention?? Something's got to fucking give and no religion has ever done anything to help, so fuck religion.

[shitranting]

everything I do gets tiring real fast. I don't want to do this anymore. No matter how great or bad life is, I just get to a point where I'm tired of it all. I want to keep going. But damn. My mind is constantly fighting over whether to keep my promise or give in. I just want to sleep for ever. I don't want to be sad or angry anymore. Everything is so temporary. I want to feel permanent ease.