shittybyrons

[shittybyrons]

holster tells jack that bad bob is his and ransom’s hall pass and jack calls his parents to tell them that family weekend is cancelled this year actually. yeah like for the whole school.

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Hi! 👋 I know. @ohrather jump scare.

But I'm working on my first novel (to teach myself how to write novels) and it's kinda of like Sex in the City meets The Devil Wears Prada, but staring gay gen z, Bertie Wooster. Sort of. Okay, debatable.

Well, it's funny, at least. And if you like humor and shenanigans and plot in the metrop., you might enjoy reading it as it updates.

It's called JOHN RICH & THE BIG PICTURE, and you can read it on A03.

Pip-pip!

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CAVEMAN DOING STANDUP: two moons ago, me daughter ask for new furs. no want mammoth or giant sloth, no, now want cheetah fur. me so tired of "fast fashion."

OTHER CAVEMAN: [plays a rimshot on two coconuts and a scallop shell]

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usually when you have a stomach bug your body is like yes sir we'll get this punk out of here, 48 hours tops. then you get a cold and your body is like I dunno ... between a few hours and eleven months ... maybe a week minimum .... you gotta understand we're short staffed

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KidK's masterpiece, the Seaglass Blanket! It's for sale over on our Etsy account, so check it out!

The blanket is heavy, soft and warm. Each square is a unique cable knit design in really pretty shades of green, blue and teal. It's a real stunning piece, all handmade by @noirandchocolate

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I was going to do a choose-your-own-adventure story with Shitty on Webtoons but I can't log in on mobile 🙃

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A quick chowder for webtoons!

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Goodbye for the Summer is up on Webtoons. :)

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Hello everyone we do not appreciate this picture of Jack nearly as much as we should

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thinking about him (northern ontario parse's alter ego southern ontario parse)

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[shittybyrons]

I've often said that if Check, Please were to get a TV adaptation I would want it to be a Bill Lawrence show because 1) Bitty's first person POV is similar to JD's first person POV in Scrubs and 2) there are obvious similarities to Ted Lasso. But in watching this new season of Shrinking I have realized/remembered how very enmeshed the characters in Bill Lawrence shows are. Everybody is constantly all up in everyone else's business and the friendships are intergenerational. Obviously that works really well for a comic in which the majority of the main cast lives together but it also means a Bill Lawrence adaptation would probably include a random storyline where Bad Bob and Holster open a food truck together.

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So I Have Thoughts

We’ve met the frogs, we’ve met the Falconers. We all can’t wait for Jack and Bitty to also meet the frogs and Falconers, respectively. 

But even more than that? I can’t wait for the Falconers to meet SHITTY. 

Imagine this: the Falconers all have to know about Jack, his past, his supposed drug addiction. Given that he’s spent four years at a school that has a hockey team KNOWN for it’s massive kegsters, most likely they think they’re about to meet this crazy partier, right? 

Not all of the guys are cool with this, but then there’s Tater, who never thinks badly of anyone, so Jack already has a friend on the team whether he wants him or not. 

But then the Falconers actually meet Jack, and they quickly learn it’s the exact opposite. Jack is quiet, serious, and unfailingly polite. He rarely goes out with the team for drinks, and when he does it’s not for long (dude has an actual bedtime, okay?) On top of that, Tater spreads the word that he’s in a serious relationship with a pretty wholesome girl, if the baked goods are anything to go by, but who also must be shy, because she’s never around when Tater “hangs out” (aka randomly drops by unannounced) at Jacks. 

And when Jack talks about his friends/teammates, it’s all, “oh yeah my best friend, it’s hard for him to visit since he’s at Harvard Law now” and “the team has co-captains which is good b/c Ransom has enough on his plate applying to med school haha” and “I wouldn’t be surprised if our goalie Chowder gets drafted, but just in case, he’s majoring in computer engineering. Or maybe that’s dex. …He’s a d-man.”

So, because there’s no such thing as moderation when it comes to hot gossip, as soon as the team “gets to know” Jack, they reassess and assume Jack was this super-serious control-freak student athlete who must’ve disapproved of all the partying, and only hung out with other super-serious guys at a (kegsters aside) preppy, academics-heavy school.

Tater takes it on himself, then, to make his rookie have more fun, to get him to party, and invite his girlfriend to party with them, because “Zimmboni” obviously needs more fun, friendly, outgoing people in his life. 

And then comes Shitty, who’s loud and crass and abso-fucking-lutely delighted to inform these guys about the beautiful contradiction that is Jack motherfucking Laurent Zimmermann. 

Let’s say after they win an early weekend game Jack invites some of the guys back to his apartment, not realizing Shitty has come to visit (aka avoid his study group), and is camped out naked on Jack’s couch smoking a bowl and rewatching highlights of the game. 

Imagine the awkward. Imagine the team thinking it’s kind of funny, but thinking Jack won’t think it’s funny. They wait for Jack to freak out, or shut down, or at least have some sort of explanation. But then they end up being the one’s freaked out, when all Jack does is roll his eyes and barely protest when Shitty clings to him and starts telling stories of their time at Samwell. 

Imagine Tater’s EFFERVESCENT happiness at meeting Shitty, this crazy guy with great nickname who clearly loves his rookie and has such “good” (aka embarrassing) stories. Imagine Shitty cornering Tater and grilling him for an hour until he tearful bear-hugs Tater and declares him his hetero-Russian brother-in-arms as guardian of Jack Zimmermann’s beautiful heart and more-beautiful ass.

Tater, of course, thinks this is best thing that ever happened. 

Jack, not so much. 

(that got so long wow sorry)

[shittybyrons]

i noticed too while rereading that while bitty's bed is often in frame, his bed is usually made & pretty neat. but after he has the moment with jack in the kitchen and has his realization.... his pillows were mussed up, almost like he was screaming into one of them. or punching them? either way he's so relatable i love him

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the author of Five Things Adam Birkholtz Learns in HDFS 332: Healthy Couple Relationships responded to my 5-year old comment today and i woke up to an email and actually screamed. have you ever read this fic. when's the last time??? read it again read it now you will not regret it

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RIP IN PEACE, CHECK PLEASE

[shittybyrons]

i’m starting an official petition called Bitty Isn’t As Tiny As Y'all Think.

i guess one of the problems of bitty being a comic character is that, a) his physique isn’t necessarily portrayed in the most realistic of ways, and b) he is always next to other hockey players.

bitty isn’t tiny - he is 170 cm. for reference: that’s tom cruise. nick jonas. martin freeman. he is definitely short, but he isn’t tiny. it should also be noted that this tweet is from fall semester of year 2, after bitty has been actually playing collegiate hockey for only about a year (arguably less, with an almost four months break in the middle due to injury). and even then, strangers comment about how he’s not really small at all. by graduation, he has been playing collegiate hockey on the first line for four years, during one of which he was captain and most likely practiced/did conditioning more than anyone else.

as a figure skater i’d say bitty weighed about 120 pounds (calculated by similar figure skaters, ignoring whatever muscles he gained in coed hockey afterwards). by year four he probably weighed anywhere from 135 to 155 pounds (depending on genetics and build)! that is not tiny.

so is bitty small next to jack? absolutely. can jack lift him up easily? definitely (jack should be able to bench press bitty and a whole lot more, according to the nhl). but let’s put an end to describing bitty as tiny; let’s put an end to the idea that bitty is unable to fight or would be an easy target in a physical altercation. bitty has a mental block with physicality and confrontation. physically, he should be stronger than the average college male (but probably still won’t win any hockey fights, and so wouldn’t get into them even if he didn’t have trauma. this is similar to what is described as parse’s strategy in the game - who is not significantly heavier or stronger, and definitely not much taller, but is still allegedly one of the best hockey players in the league).

** the idea of comic style distorting realistic proportions is easier to see in jack’s portrayal: in most panels jack seems much narrower than he’d realistically be after twenty years of hockey. his thighs, for example, should be much thicker, and his shoulders and arms much broader. jack weights 210 pounds before nhl-level conditioning and playing 82 games a year. there is nothing wrong with ngozi’s stylistic choices because they’re consistent with every character in the comic, but it should be kept in mind.