shittyprojections

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i feel disjointed with my life…

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As day goes by, I am starting to become like a shell. I don’t quite figure what I want to be and I am becoming more and more shallow, and stupid, and boring. I am starting to look back to see what I am capable of, of how I can be so smart and alive, and alive… mentally, spiritually.

#ghostinashell

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everybody’s moving forward and getting stuck, day by day. january is already ending.

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I am so sad tonight that this is one of those that I cried the hardest.

I’m sad of what I have become.

I’m sad that I am a disappointment, even to myself.

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I started so strong and so proud. I had pride back then. I believed in my will: my choice, my fate. I had so much eagerness back then but then life hits you.

I’m starting to realize that I have a very high standard for a realistic life: idealism really is my escapism and I’m starting to shrug off those visions.

I vomit with the thought of bare minimum before but I’m starting to realize and accept the sharp truth that maybe, this is what I need… this is what I deserve.

It’s sad. Oh, I’m ashamed that this is the truth that past self would end up to. A BIG FUCKING DISAPPOINTMENT.

There’s so many should’ve, could’ve in my mind. I regret my decisions and the best part of this fuckedupness, is that I get to live with the consequences.

[shittyprojections]

I think I have become fixated on finding clothes in thrift stores. Picking–buying pieces that I think I need for an emergency or extravagant event in the future that fails to happen. And when I feel like I regret buying some things, the thought of losing it forever leaves a gnawing feeling, even if it's just a splurge. I don't know, I don't find any other hobbies that leaves me feeling something in this void of life other than this and being hooked with it feels like a little exhausting and futile.

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After years of retaliating to go to churches, I finally did entered their "sacred place" and it was not one the reasons I anticipated before.

It was for the wake, the funeral.

I had this deep-rooted idea–the scare of feeling the wrath of the lord due to my long absence in his worship place. There was always this tension with the thought of going to church but then I've realised that it's the people I am not comfortable to deal with, not the church per se.

The felt tension now is the picture of attending my grandmother's wake in spite of dealing with my relatives, my cousins whom I don't have a connection with but only history.

The uncomfortable gesture of "bless," to my mother nagging to say hi to my titos and titas, cousins... to short and awkward conversations of ancient memories they had with my younger self.

At the same time, it was also the response from them that I am anxious about. I got the chance to express my gothic, feminine side to them. It was my agenda to make them think twice about me, of the things that they will say.

Most have a welcoming response, like the absence of questions about my look. Some I even got a compliment that I look "pretty." That I felt at ease.

Then it was the funeral.

The dread of waking early despite not getting enough sleep. To the dreary scorching walk to the church. Homily in their mother tongue I can't understand. Finally, to laying the dead on the cemetery.

It's this moment that I find myself uncomfortable with my apathy. That I am surrounded by mourning people yet I feel indifferent, shunned away.

The questioning stares of my mother due to being aloof in the crowd. It was paralyzing that even if I don't get such stares, I actually don't have such will to be enclosed near my relatives crying. Because I can't feel a thing.

I don't know. At times I feel like an empath and most of it, I feel nothing.

This funeral reminded me that I truly have cut off my connections to my relatives and I don't know what to feel about it.

I am in a conumdrum of trying my best to reach out so friendly with my cousins that I chose not to be close with. To my titos and titas trying to remind them of the little boy they once knew despite expressing my current self.

I'm just so utterly trying to do things just to blend with this flow of socializing with my blood-related people.

It's draining me, the socialization aspect and the emptiness I feel when I release their hands after bowing, to closing my mouth after I smiled, and when I bid my good bye after short talks.

It wasn't me. It was my trying to find the pieces my older self would have said, of replies most comforting for them to receive.

[shittyprojections]

I think what's overwhelming is the fact that I am analysing messages that it's my fault I contracted the virus + the added responsibility to deliver news to people, needing to handle things and confront them + dealing with my sister who is unempathetic, my father who is detached with the possiblity of contracting the virus, and my mother who is in-denial of everything regarding her recent actions. On top of that, I get a sprinkle of unresolved internal conflicts from my recent actions during our escapade. It feels like a fucking holidays to me!

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i am tired and i just want to cry this feeling inside me. this anger that is eating me alive. the draining aftermath of suppressing this emotion.

i am tired and i just want to cry...

[shittyprojections]

A Thread: Writings About My Feeling Toward My Physics Profession

[1] Acknowledgement of Sexual Feelings During My Lab Activity #1

Hi, Sir! The first time I met you virtually, in our orientation and class discussion, I never thought of you as someone I would really dig and allot much attention or perhaps, a conscious space during my daydream. At first, I thought that you would be one of the professors that I can easily dismiss if you’re not that good enough, in my perspective, in teaching or simply, if I don’t like you. Hearing you teach in a fast phase, with my brain in a state of soup, I find it difficult to focus. Then my attention diverted to the way you breathe which is almost like soft moans, and the way you smile in-between your questions, gosh it was hard focusing on your syllabic incantation of scientific words I don’t understand! I tried to shut you off by hiding the tab of our class but I was always seemingly attracted to the way you speak, almost lustful in my mind. I can’t help but to repress my sexualizing tendency to objectify you but every now and then, I keep glancing at your face, I’m almost flaring instantly due to your appeal on my screen. The naughty side of me thinks that I want to have an encounter with you, who knows? Maybe, I get to experience a cliche plot of a film where a teenage protagonist does reckless things and one of which is getting into a relationship that questions one’s moral compass, like this hypothetical thought in my mind. However, grounding it in reality, it won’t happen: only in my dreams. Now that I am trying to get my momentum in doing this lab activity, I can’t fix my attention with these questions because I keep circling in my mental image where you are smiling so bright, almost arrogantly in some way. Oh, C***** cutie, why are you so endearingly like this? --- (Sept 1, 2021)

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It feels like I want to cry with all the things happening. I can't concentrate, I get these thoughts that are not helpful at all. I don't want to tweet it or vent out in my other soc med accounts because some people who follow me are part of this frustration that I feel. I just want hybernate for a while, I'm trying to fight off this demotivation and subtle self-deprecating thoughts. I want to like halt things from happening, this day to get off from everybody. I just want to finish watching a series, an escape that I much need. But I cannot concentrate either way. I just want things to calm for a while. Just today, I want peace.

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i just want to change my username but i feel attacked.

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the psychological stress of dealing with a disrupted schedules and constant ovethinking about worst case scenerios of being fucked up add a kick to this insomniac nights.

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Streaming Shakespeare: May 2020 

A sampling of this month’s theatrical offerings, available for free on your couch. 

Stage Plays: 

Romeo and Juliet, Shakespeare’s Globe (through May 3)

King Lear, Stratford Festival (through May 14)

Antony and Cleopatra, National Theatre Live (May 7-May 14)

Two Noble Kinsmen, Shakespeare’s Globe (May 4-May 17)

Coriolanus, Stratford Festival (through May 21)

Much Ado About Nothing, The Public Theatre via Great Performances (through May 27)

Macbeth, Stratford Festival (May 7-May 28)

The Winter’s Tale, Shakespeare’s Globe (May 18-May 31)

The Tempest, Stratford Festival (May 14-June 4)

Timon of Athens, Stratford Festival (May 21-June 11)

Love’s Labour’s Lost, Stratford Festival (May 28-June 18)

Macbeth, Folger Theatre (through July 1)

The Tempest, Shakespeare’s Globe (UK only)

A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Shakespeare’s Globe (UK only)

Macbeth, Royal Shakespeare Company (UK only)

Much Ado About Nothing, Royal Shakespeare Company (UK only)

Othello, Royal Shakespeare Company (UK only)

Romeo and Juliet, Royal Shakespeare Company (UK only)

The Merchant of Venice, Royal Shakespeare Company (UK only)

More cool stuff:

Macbeth, from the Shakespeare’s Globe Playing Shakespeare series, produced especially for young people. This performance will be available from May 7 until UK schools re-open, and the website also posts material for students and teachers.

The Show Must Go Online, a weekly series working its way through the canon in chronological order, created by Rob Myles and starring actors all over the world.

There are so many excellent Shakespeare podcasts to binge, but shout out here to The Shakespeare Sessions for their star-studded and ambitiously produced audio plays.

The Folger Shakespeare Library, in partnership with Simon and Schuster, is making seven of their full-cast audio plays available for free through July 1

Paid services with free trials:

MarqueeTV (Probably the best bang for your buck, Shakespeare-wise, highlights include Anthony Sher as Falstaff, Papaa Essiedu as Hamlet, David Tennant as Richard II, Phyllida Lloyd’s Donmar Warehouse trilogy, Thea Sharrock’s irresistible 2009 As You Like It)

Amazon Prime (Highlights include the Amazon Original production of Lear, Fiona Shaw as Richard II in the 2016 National Theatre production)

BroadwayHD (Highlights include Phyllida Lloyd’s all-woman trilogy of Julius Caesar, Henry IV, and The Tempest)

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Art and the prevailing social situations are not separable. The artists are subject to the current systems that directly or indirectly affect them, be it conscious awareness or not. In turn, their artworks depict relevance to the society in an explicit manner or distorted one. And the creations of these artists, in turn, change their perspective not only in seeing their artwork as a product, but also a process. Art production and consumption is not only for art's sake. Art is political and could disturb the preconceived notions everybody hold close to them.