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TOP TEN COMICS BOOK VILLAINS WE PROBABLY WON’T SEE IN THE MOVIES

Superhero media is the hottest thing going right now. It was true ten years ago when the MCU was in its adolescence, and it’s even truer now. Even with film production on lockdown, Marvel and DC are still planning on literally dozens of their characters entering their respective cinematic universes. However, for the fans of the source material, things can be contentious. For every memorable Tony Stark quip, there’s Superman destroying an entire city because he’s, frankly, kind of dumb now. A major point of contention is how the various popular villains are utilized. Making an intimidating and potent villain in a comic book is very different than in a film. In comics, you have months to establish motive, powers, and backstory before the villain even makes their first move. In films, that all has to be compressed and spilled out in the scarce few minutes when Captain America and Bucky aren’t making bambi eyes at each other. To be concise, some villains adapt perfectly, and some, no matter how good they are in the comics, just don’t. And to be clear, this list is of popular villains who have the possibility of appearing in a big-budget film, so no, you won’t be seeing Ten Eyed Man or Big Wheel in there. Their powers are, respectively, having ten eyes, and being very good in business. (That’s a lie, he’s just a huge wheel who chases Spider-Man.)

10: Mr. Mxyzptlk:

Cool, let’s get this one out of the way. Despite being one of Superman’s oldest, longest-lasting, and most popular enemies from all the way back in the Golden Age, there’s no way in hell he will be in a movie. For the uninformed. Mr. Mxyzptlk is a 5th dimensional wizard-genie who appears every ninety days to torment Superman with his reality-altering antics, and can only be sent back to his home dimension if Superman tricks him into saying his own name backwards. Yes, it would be very dazzling, as Mr. Mxyzptlk’s powers in a movie would basically look like if Christopher Nolan directed Who Framed Roger Rabbit, but he’s a little too silly to fit in with the current “everything is gloomy and also a bummer” tone of the Superman films. This silly tone has lent itself perfectly to the Supergirl series, where he’s made a handful of appearances. Besides, if we get Mxyzptlk in a Superman movie before Brainiac, I’ll lose my entire freaking mind.

9: Hobgoblin:

There have been eight Spider-Man movies so far, and of those eight, four of them have, in some capacity, featured the Green Goblin. And that makes sense, right? The Green Goblin is easily Spider-Man’s most memorable and reoccurring nemesis, with Doctor Octopus and Venom close behind, and Peter Parker’s link with Norman and Harry Osbourn makes their tragic story perfect for film adaptation. On the other hand, we have the Hobgoblin, who is essentially Green Goblin with all the gimmicks, none of the Parker-adjacent backstory, and an orange and blue color scheme, likely tying him to the Denver Broncos [citation needed]. Still, in those four cinematic attempts at tackling the Goblin, none of them have quite gotten him right, and I can’t imagine this character, who is, even in canon, an intentional Green Goblin rip-off, would fare any better.

8: Starro:

Brave and the Bold #28 from 1960 featured the first story with the Justice League, and this story put them up against a very unique new villain: Starro the Conqueror, a giant telepathic starfish who can release tiny versions of himself. If these tiny starfish latch onto your head, you’re under his control and obey his commands. The Justice League have battled him fairly regularly over the last fifty years, and he’s a distinct and powerful enemy that the fans generally appreciate, leading to him being referenced occasionally in Smallville, Arrow, and Flash. Why won’t he ever be in a movie? Because if you’re a Hollywood producer, you stopped paying attention at “giant telepathic starfish”. Sorry. Maybe Shuma-Gorath will pop up in the next Doctor Strange movie, and he’ll set off a Twilight-esque wave of starfish monster movies! Then again, almost absolutely not.

7: Puppet Master:

Speaking of mind control, what’s scarier than that? For my money, nothing. Having your body and will taken away from you by an unseen force is a terror greater than death. How could you possibly make a villain based around such a chilling concept and have him not be scary? Well, maybe if it’s an old bald man in an apron playing with dolls. The Puppet Master is an ongoing threat for the Fantastic Four who is just that: he makes models of his foes out of radioactive clay, and makes them punch themselves and dance around and kiss each other, because he’s, y’know, a weird old man. Why is he such a consistent threat who hasn’t fallen into obscurity like other dumb gimmick-based villains? His stepdaughter, Alicia Masters, is the Thing’s longtime girlfriend. As long as she keeps appearing in movies (including being played by… Kerry Washington? That can’t be right), there’s always a chance he’ll pop up, but I don’t think any movie studio is that stupid, despite the quality of every Fantastic Four movie blatantly defying that prediction.

6: Bizarro:

Superman has always suffered in the villains department. When you’re essentially a god, what can they throw at you? As it turns out, Lex Luthor, almost always. But why not another Superman? Bizarro is essentially that, an imperfect clone of Superman who speaks in opposite speak - “Bizarro am good! Me not punch you until you live!” - and features the same abilities as the Man of Steel. Sounds great, right? Putting a hero against a villain with their same powers has worked for nearly every Marvel movie (shots fired). So why won’t we see him grace our silver screens any time soon? Because they’ve never really figured him out. Is he funny? Is he lethal? Does Kryptonite work on him? If he does everything the opposite of Superman, why does he wear clothes? Isn’t being naked the opposite of being clothed? Bizarro is a major Superman side-character and has made appearances in Smallville and Supergirl, but the idea of him being the Big Bad going toe-to-toe with Henry Cavill doesn’t sound like it would generate a lot of views.

5: Impossible Man:

You remember what I said about Mr. Mxyzptlk? Remember? So take that bit, but everywhere I say Superman, have it say Fantastic Four instead… yeah, that should do it.

4: The Wrecking Crew:

Thor has a unique quirk of having a very cinematic rogues gallery. Sure, most of the movies have pitted him against Loki, but if they were to run him up against the Enchantress, or the Absorbing Man, or Ulik the Troll, or Kurse, or even the Stone Men from Saturn, that’s not a bad movie! However, in one of the attempts to give Thor more of a mortal nemesis, they put him up against the Wrecker, who has an… enchanted… indestructible… crowbar. Yeah. Incredibly, the Wrecker and his Wrecking Crew have become very present characters throughout the Marvel Universe, essentially serving as “jobbers”, being rolled out to get beaten up by the new top hero or villain, but that may not work in a movie, where villains have to be seen as having some level of potency before being struck down. That means we’d need at least a short scene where it seems like Thor might lose to a guy whose power is “crowbar”, and that’s about as likely as an Edward Norton cameo in the next Avengers. Ho boy, they did NOT part on good terms!

3: Clayface:

When the movie-going public goes to see a Batman movie, they generally want something a bit more grounded than your typical superhero fare. After all, Batman has no powers, and therefore the most supernatural thing that should happen in these movies is a gas that makes you smile, or a different gas that makes you think your dead parents are back and disappointed in you. Might wanna put a mouth covering on that mask, Bruce! The one and only they’ve made a movie where Batman fights people with real, off-the-wall super powers (Batman and Robin), it did not go great. And those guys pale in comparison to Clayface, who is, yes, made of clay. In the comics and cartoons, Clayface looks awesome, turning his limbs into weapons and being very challenging to incapacitate, but in a live-action, realistic Batman adventure, we wouldn’t want to see the Dark Knight fight a poop-colored version of the T-1000, especially if it’s got the same chemical composition of a little dreidel that I made.

2: Red Hood:

A relative newcomer to the Batman universe, Red Hood is the revived body of Jason Todd, the second Robin, who was brutally killed by the Joker in one of the most controversial storylines DC Comics ever produced. Literally, fans called a 900 number to tell the writers to kill him off. A 900 number. That’s how much they hated the little turd. Anyway, Jason Todd, whom Batman and the rest of the world believed was dead, was revived by Ra’s al Ghul and became a ruthless villain. Since then, he’s gravitated more to the side of the hero, though one a bit more willing to spill blood than his mentors. Why won’t we see him in the darker, edgier Batman films? Because… that’s Bucky. It’s the same thing that happened in Captain America: The Winter Soldier. Teen sidekick killed in controversial manner, revived by super villain to be a thorn in said hero’s side, later changes his mind and becomes a good guy again, though with enough PTSD to fill a PTSD super store. The two storylines even occurred in the comics in the same year, 2005, to much fanfare and across-the-board declarations of one company ripping off the other, reminding the world of the great Aquaman-Namor debates of the 1940s. Considering that DC’s films have criminally underperformed compared to Marvel’s, the last thing they want to do is be accused of lazy plagiarism, so Jason Todd will likely remain a permanent fixture in the afterlife, hanging out with Batman’s parents and, at the rate that people are coming back from the dead, literally no one else. (Plus, if they can’t even get Robin right, how are they gonna do this?)

1: Mister Sinister:

Yes, he was teased at the end of X-Men Apocalypse, but ignoring that the film underperformed both critically and commercially, Mister Sinister is never going to be in a movie. It would make sense for him to appear, though, right? He’s one of the most present and potent X-Men villains, he’s played crucial roles in many memorable storylines, he’s got a sick cape, but… something a lot of comic book fans tend to overlook is his murky backstory, powers, and motivations. He was a biologist in Victorian London who did genetic experiments on homeless people in the hopes of finding clues about the oncoming threat of mutants. In this time, he unearthed the long-dormant En Sabah Nur, whom you plebeians may know as Apocalypse, and Apocalypse gifted him with great abilities. What abilities you ask? HA HA, good question! At various times, Sinister has displayed: telepathy, telekinesis, energy projection, shape-shifting, regeneration, and teleportation, but these powers will mysteriously disappear whenever they want him to get sliced up real good by Wolverine. Additionally, it has never been made very clear what Sinister wants. Does he seek perfect mastery of the human genome? Does he live to torment Cyclops? Is he a blind follower of Apocalypse? Is he just running through all the different kinds of goatee? Of course, in adaptation, the writers would pick and choose the aspects they’d want to use, but I doubt they’d want to untangle the Christmas lights mess that is Mister Sinister, especially when they’ve got a perfectly good villain whose power is just “magnets”.

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ALL OF CYCLOPS’ CHILDREN, RANKED

Despite being fairly young and a very active planet-saving adventurer/ crusader for mutant rights, Cyclops has managed to father a significant number of children. Sure, all of them hail from alternate futures, many of which have been erased due to the actions of Scott Summers himself, but his DNA has traveled through space and time to create, in one way or another, ten different humans throughout the Marvel Multiverse. And now, because it’s the internet, they will be ranked by coolness. Feel free to become furious in the comments. [Note: this article only discusses characters who were directly descended from Cyclops’ DNA. No adoptees, grandchildren, or in-laws, just his direct kids.]

9-10 (tie): Charles and Jeanette Summers (Millennial Visions)

Somebody’s gotta be at the bottom. These tykes only exist on one page of X-Men: Millennial Visions, a one-shot where various artists showed their ideas for what the X-Men would look like in the new millennium. One artist apparently thoughts the coolest possible idea would be for a lull in villain activity, allowing Scott and Jean to settle down and have a couple kids. Charles and Jeanette rank at the bottom of this list for having no discernible powers, as well as very lazy names. (Really? You’re gonna name them after your most important mentor, and yourself, but with an -ette on the end? Think outside the box, Red.)

6-8 (tie): Alex and the Twins (X-Men: The End)

In the alternate world of X-Men: The End, Scott and Emma Frost have four children. The oldest is later on this list, but these three duds gotta come up first, seeing as they have no traits, and two of them don’t even have names. It’s implied that they have powers and have been trained in unarmed combat, but with all their appearances being in the background and no lines of dialogue, they can’t hold a candle to the children of Cyclops who affect the worlds around them. Plus, you can’t fool me: those twins are just two spare Stepford Cuckoos with drawn-on freckles. Come on!

5: Megan Summers (X-Men: The End/ GeNext)

Megan Summers, the oldest of Scott and Emma’s children from X-Men: The End, suffers from underexposure. She mostly exists as a prop for Scott and Emma to agonize over, such as when she is kidnapped by Mister Sinister. However, as she grows into her powers (fairly potent telepathy), she enters a relationship with Oliver Raven (son of Rogue and Gambit) and joins his team GeNext, the next generation of X-Men. In another universe, she could have had her own title and adventures, but the short run of GeNext leaves most of her stories untold.

4: X-Man

Nate Grey, created by Mister Sinister using Cyclops and Jean Grey’s DNA in the alternate timeline Age of Apocalypse, could have ranked higher on this list if it was still the 90s. However, as we move further and further from his relevance, we are forced to examine his contributions to the Marvel Universe after his arrival in the main timeline: had the ego to call himself X-Man (yikes), had the ego to call himself the Shaman of the Mutant Tribe (double yikes), lost a lot of his powers in combat with the Sugar Man (what a loser), and lately has function as more of an antagonist to the team from which he took his name. Sure, he has his fans, but it’s hard to relate to a character this powerful. Bonus points for his initial escape from the Age of Apocalypse: stabbing Apocalypse’s son with a chunk of the M’Kraan Crystal. That’s some Final Fantasy ish.

3: Ruby Summers

Hailing from the same future as Bishop, Ruby acts as one of the figureheads for the Summers Rebellion, a mutant uprising to campaign for mutant rights in a world where they’re frequently held in internment camps. Another potential offspring of Scott and Emma Frost, Ruby is also the only one of Scott’s children to not exhibit telepathic powers, instead inheriting her father’s optic blasts and her mother’s invulnerable gemstone form. Additionally, she can retain her ruby form for any amount of time, granting her immortality (she looks to be in her 20s but is actually over 80 years old). Despite being interesting enough for her own series (or at least membership in a team book), Ruby only appears in a single arc in Peter David’s X-Factor, leaving much of her story untold. However, she gets points docked by being romantically linked with time-traveling serial killer and all-around grease-stain Trevor Fitzroy. Ew.

2. Cable

The most successful of Cyclops’ children, and also the only one he had intentionally. Born of Scott and his first wife Madelyne Pryor (who was a clone of Jean, so he’s kinda Jean’s kid, too), little Nathanial Summers was born with incredible mutant potential, but an infection with a techno-organic virus caused him to be pulled 2,000 years into the future where his condition could be treated. Since then, he’s traveled back and forth to the future, led scores of teams, fought Apocalypse, fought Mister Sinister, fought his own clone Stryfe, raised the first mutant born after M-Day, got fused with Deadpool, was portrayed in film by Josh Brolin, and currently exists in a younger form alongside the X-Men on the mutant utopia Krakoa. And despite all these incredible accomplishments and iconic character design, Cable just couldn’t plug in to the number one spot on this list.

1. Rachel Grey

The original, still the best. Rachel Summers has everything you want in a Cyclops offspring. Telepathic and telekinetic powers? Check. Hails from a post-apocalyptic future? Check, the world of Days of Future Past. Traumatic backstory? She was a literal slave trained to track down and kill other mutants as one of Ahab’s Hounds. Member of many teams? X-Men, Excalibur, Starjammers, and the current X-Factor, just to name a few. However, what sets her apart is her intentional iconoclastic views with her father. She adopts her dead mother’s alias, changes her last name to be closer to her, and, despite potentially having the same earth-shattering powers as her “siblings” Cable and X-Man, manages to keep it all under control, as well as occasional flirtations with the Phoenix Force. A genuine boss, a class above the rest. However, there’s another Summers son that can’t be discounted.

0. unnamed baby of Scott and Jean (X-Men: Millennial Visions)

Despite only appearing on one page of the same one-shot referenced at the beginning of this list, the sheer number of questions generated by this single illustration are innumerable. Why is this the only Cyclops kid to get both Scott and Jean’s powers? How is it possible for a baby to tap into their X-Gene at such a young age? Did Xavier design that X-Diaper, knowing the child would be the youngest member of his paramilitary force? (Eat that, 13-year-old Kitty Pryde!) This baby is everything Charles and Jeanette aren’t: potent, captivating, adorable, and lacking a first name. Give him a cinematic universe before he stops being cute.

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THE HISTORY OF THE H-DIAL, DC’S WEIRDEST SUPERHERO CONCEPT

Everyone wants to be Superman. His unparalleled might, massive array of powers, and winning personality makes him a fantasy figure in many imaginations. But if we’re being honest with ourselves, given the option, we wouldn’t want to be one superhero, we’d want to be all of them. This is the premise behind Dial H for HERO’s H-Dial, an incredibly powerful object used in DC Comics stories intermittently since the 1960s.

Introduced in House of Mystery #156 (a title up to that point reserved for supernatural horror stories), the H-Dial was discovered by teenager Robby Reed in a cavern while he was camping nearby. The H-Dial resembles a rotary phone dial, and since Robby existed in a time when rotary phones were still in use (youths of today would likely struggle a bit), he quickly discovered by dialing H-E-R-O, he could turn into a random and wholly original superhero until he dialed O-R-E-H to change back. There appeared to be no limits or boundaries on the heroes Robby would be become, as the first year saw characters like Giantboy (a giant with super strength), the Mole (who could dig at super-fast speeds), Hypno-Man (with the ability to control minds), and Mighty Moppet (a super-strong baby who could shrink his enemies by spraying them with a milk bottle). Clearly, this was a creative playground for writer Dave Wood and artist Jim Mooney, who had smartly devised a storytelling platform that liberated them from the bonds of using the same power set to solve new problems every issue. However, the stories clearly weren’t a huge hit, as House of Mystery reverted back to horror stories and ended the original Dial H run after only eighteen issues.

The H-Dial would return in 1981, with new users Chris Grant and Vicki King, who discover them in a haunted house. A number of changes were made to the H-Dial this time around: there were two of them (Chris wore his on a watch and Vicki’s on a necklace), they had a one-hour time limit, and, incredibly, the heroes they became were submitted by readers! If you had the manual dexterity to hold a few crayons, you could see your creation in print in a real comic book! (The creators of these heroes were rewarded with a t-shirt and, uh, credit.) For eleven issues of Adventure Comics and twenty-one issues of New Adventures of Superboy, Chris and Vicki transformed into heroes submitted by the youth of 1980s America (as well as science fiction writer Harlan Ellison, then aged 46 years old), and series creators Marv Wolfman and Carmine Infantino clearly picked the cream of the crop: Vibro the Quakemaster (caused earthquakes), Hasty Pudding (either moved super slow or super fast, no in-between), Glass Lass (who could amplify laser beams), and Sister Scissor-Limbs (do you need this one spelled out for you?). This iteration once again faded away as new back-up features replaced them. Chris and Vicki got a mini-epilogue in the pages of New Teen Titans but following that, just faded away.

It wouldn’t be until 2003 that the H-Dial would appear again, and this time it would be the star of the book: H-E-R-O would follow the H-Dial (as it was seen in the original House of Mystery run) as it gets passed around from person to person for anywhere from one to four issues. Writer Will Pfeifer took this opportunity to tell some smarter, smaller stories about normal people who briefly possess incredible chaotic power, only for it to be lost, via intentional abandon, theft, or, most commonly, hubris. Robby Reed also returns in this series, hunting the traveling dial as it turns minimum wage earner Jerry Feldon into Afterburner, pre-teen girl Andrea Allen into Nocturna, and small-time crook Tony Finch into the Stretcher. The series was cancelled after an incredibly satisfying twenty-two issues, ending with Robby sending it 50,000 years back in time, hopefully ridding the world of its dangerous potential.

However, reboots gonna reboot, and the H-Dial would make its triumphant return in 2012 as a part of DC’s New 52 line-up in the series Dial H. This time around, the H-Dial is turned into an anachronistic telephone booth, as novelist China Miéville would lend his signature surrealistic take to transform schlubby everyman Nelson Jent into heroes like Captain Lachrymose (who derives strength from the traumatic memories of others), Hole Punch (who had three arms and sledgehammer hands) and Control-Alt-Delete (a computer-themed hero with the ability to “reboot” recent events). Miéville traded adventure and coherence for comedy and absurdity, showing that when the existing status for a device is one without presented limits, the logical step forward is one without logic at all. It could be argued this series existed at the wrong time; if it had shared the shelf with 1990s Vertigo hits Doom Patrol and Shade the Changing Man, it could have entered a classic status and stayed reprinted forever. Sadly, 2012 wasn’t the year for an interpretation like this, and Miéville’s Dial H would be cancelled after 15 issues.

This brings us to the most recent swing at the H-Dial, the criminally underrated Dial H for Hero, remarkably the first time the feature has had its full, original name as the title of a book. This time, the H-Dial is a glowing red rotary phone (complete with fairly unnecessary handset), wielded by teenagers Miguel Montez and Summer Pickens as they travel across the United States to find a place to safely dispose of the powerful device. Under the storytelling direction of Sam Humphries, this version of the H-Dial transforms its users into wholly original superheroes, plus the new wrinkle of each hero being drawn in a distinct homage to comic book creators of the past, such as the Rob Liefeld-esque Monster Truck, the Mike Allred-ian Lo Lo Kick You, and the Irritable Various Geckos, four lizard villains drawn exactly like the classic Eastman/Laird Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Illustrator Joe Quinones puts in work for this series, effectively aping artists like Frank Miller, Akira Toriyama, Moebius, and even Bill Watterson, while keeping everything on brand in the distinctive DC-house style, allowing every page to function as a museum exhibit on comics history. This mini-series was originally intended to only last six issues, but early success expanded it to twelve, with the dangling possibility of more to come down the line.

What could the future possibly hold for the H-Dial? Like the device itself, there is limitless potential. Superheroes are more popular than ever, and with deep cuts like Doom Patrol and Stargirl finding success on the small screen, there’s no reason a Dial H for Hero show couldn’t make a similar mark. It could be animated (Cartoon Network’s Ben 10 showed there’s a market for “boy with many superhero forms”), but a live-action version would also work. Utilizing celebrity guest stars as the different heroes could place it perfectly in that high-stakes-meets-childish-wonder space the comics always occupied. Dial H for Hero is nails exactly what we love about superheroes: powerful, vibrant characters in a grounded, human space. But while Wonder Woman is limited to magic and mythology, Green Lantern is confined to space policing, and Batman deals with a constant crew of painted goons, Dial H for Hero discards the pesky origin and setting to create a one-person anthology hero, something completely different yet charmingly familiar every time, where the only thing predictable is that it will be absolutely unpredictable.

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“modern lovers" | inspired by mary lou fulton’s “something’s going on” pictures taken back in the 80′s punk scene

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#LateStageCapitalism

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High impact fuck machine. https://www.instagram.com/p/B9jsVqOBMRx/?igshid=1tocsl2nz81rq

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I think part of what makes the McElroys so lovable for millennials and gen z is that they’re a REAL underdog success story. All the ones about Bill Gates and Steve Jobs starting Apple and Microsoft from sheds and Jeff Bezos starting Amazon from a shed are wrong. They all came from well-off backgrounds with upper-class privilege coming out their goddamn ears, but the brothers didn’t.

They really were just three ordinary boys from West Virginia, and if you listen to Griffin’s Florida State lecture (the whole thing’s on youtube) he talks about how rough things were for them when they started their podcast. He mentions how they were in mourning over their mother, fighting all the time, and ready to separate forever, but held on and decided not to abandon each other in the thick of it. And things were still rough, because their father had to work stupid hours at the radio station to support himself, and the brothers were trying to make it in game journalism.

And then they started MBMBaM, a goofy bad advice podcast full of improvised bits and comedy segments, and it blew up. They started TAZ, a fun D&D podcast where they played with their dad, and were able to bond together and let him retire comfortably on the revenue it generated, and now Clint oversees the TAZ graphic novel series that’s still releasing issues and spends boatloads of quality time with his three sons. Monster Factory is just a funny game stream where Justin and Griffin try to destroy character creators as much as possible, but it’s one of their biggest IPs. Their TV show was short-lived but explosively popular among their fanbase.

They sell out entire stadiums and Lin-Manuel Miranda plays them We Didn’t Start the Fire parodies as they walk on and people lose their collective minds. Tom Holland fanboys over them at SDCC. People come from all over the place to hear them perform, and that performance never got less authentic. It’s just three brothers and their dad being goofy together and trying to make each other laugh. And the laughter and love they carried for each other was so contagious that it made an entire world of people love them, too. 

Maybe they’re a bit weird, and their jokes don’t always land, but they’re not always supposed to, because it really is just a tight-knit family living in the moment. And in this world where our two generations may be close to each other but horribly disadvantaged socio-economically, the idea that these three boys carved out a way for themselves through the sheer force of their own happiness out of such a dark place is more hopeful than any “millennials are killing the mayo industry” article ever written.

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One must vogue before entering the water

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American Splendor (2003)

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Stan Lee

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Another tidbit of Mando lore;

Mandalorians quickly figured out that Jedi mostly view blaster fire as “fun lightsaber practice”.

During the Mando-Jedi wars, they dealt with this in characteristically practical fashion; they used slugthrowers (aka ordinary firearms) instead, because if a Jedi tries to deflect a regular bullet, what happens is “A bunch of bullet shrapnel to the Jedi’s face.”