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A boy and his cow🌾

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Jason's terribly prolific with technology, okay?

He can hack into the Batcomputer like a surgeon carving life back in someone. He can reassemble twelve types of guns in under two minutes. He can beat STEPH at Mario Kart.

Wayne Phones are just STUPID.

Yes, he wears grandpa glasses, propped up to the bridge of his nose. These multi-colored squares are too small for his fingers, and he can't read the text. This would be way easier with buttons.

Dick, a deserter to his last breath, could help, oh, he could. He just thinks it’s funnier to let Bruce do it. Hovering over Jason’s shoulder, mirroring his deep scowl, like they’re from the same bone.

“Sweetheart, there’s no actual ‘willing hot babes in your area’. That’s a dark web link.”

“Who the fuck is SIRI? How do I make her LEAVE?!”

Whatever. He’ll get it right. Eventually.

Why is Tim grinning, and who came up with ‘Tinder’?

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Battinson with a Harley would actually tear a hole in the delicate fabric of universal peace.

Harley: What’s your favorite color?

Bruce, currently trying to find a facility that isn't fucking Arkham in this hellhole of a city: We don't have to do the small talk

Harley: Oh, okay! Do you really think you’re a good person, deep down?

Bruce: …Blue.

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Grave offerings and burying the dead with tools and goods is actually such a deeply human thing to do. It's not really even necessarily about how much you believe in a literal afterlife or them taking the tools with them. It's also just going Wait, I'm Not Done Taking Care Of You, let me make you one more pair of socks so your feet won't be cold when you go wherever it is where I can't follow.

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Ok ik this probably isn't real but what if Alfred thought it would be fine if he just gave Tim the suit and told him "go, be free, don't die or you're fired" bc he forgot kids don't usually fight martial arts or given Bat Training™ from a young age. Imagine:

Alfred: Go be the light in these dark times, son.

Tim: thank you. I will.

*15 minutes later*

Bruce, kicking down the door, holding Tim by the cape and dangling him like a scuffed cat: ALFRED WHAT THE HELL!

Alfred: Sir! That was mahogan-

Bruce: You can't just let him go out there! He didn't even know how to punch correctly!!!

Alfred: Whatever do you mean, he should have learned that by now.

Bruce:

Alfred:

Bruce: ... W h a t

Alfred: Young Mr. Drake should have learned by now several martial arts. I mean when you were 11, you-

Bruce, absolutely tired: Alfred.

Alfred: -And by 16 he'll be ready for aerial combat. When I enlisted, lying about my age, I took to the planes rather fast-

Bruce: ALFRED.

Alfred: Don't shout at me, Master Bruce, it's unbecoming. What is it?

Bruce, holding up Tim higher to be in Alfred's line of sight and gesturing vaguely at the small child: HE DOESN'T KNOW COMBAT. HE'S NORMAL.

Alfred: Normal? What do yo- oooooohhhhhhhhhhh

Bruce: YEAH. 'OH' IS RIGHT!!!

Alfred: ... What did I just say about shouting? It's unseemly, Master Bruce.

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You know how the Robins were trained to be able to fight enemies way bigger than them, since they started really young and also were taught by Batman (a Very Big Guy)?

It just occured to me that the reverse is also true: Batman is very good at fighting very short enemies.

I wonder if it ever came up.

Like if someone was trying to use their smaller size to their advantage and surprise Batman but it's just. Impossible. There is no move his little hypercompetent gremlins didn't already try against him.

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giving increasingly loud sighs as I wait for my crush to ask "what's wrong?" so I can say I'm in a state of depression unless I can touch someone's boobs with no bra

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couldn’t have said it better myself.

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i actually think the reason there’s such a fundamental lack of jason and duke team up content is because whenever they’re in the same room for more than three minutes duke will say some shit like ‘oh and this coming from the mothafucker who got oneshotted by a clown with a crowbar?’ and without missing a beat jason will easily respond with ‘ok and who oneshotted your parents, huh? why’re you here, foster boy?’ and bruce has banned them from conversing.

neither jason nor duke are even offended they just like how freaked out everybody else gets when they start going personal

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I want the entire Justice League to just be so fucking scared of Dick!Robin. He’s like 8-10 when they first meet him, but he’s somehow more horrifying than Batman. He’s teeny tiny and a cross between a fluttery little sprite and a shadowy demon. They’re still not sure if Batman is human or not, but they’re all convinced that Robin is some sort of entity. He’s a ghoul, a spirit, an eldritch horror that must haunt Gotham for some Godforsaken reason. And he either picked Batman to latch onto, or Batman saw him and plucked him up and thought he’d make a good companion.

One day, he gets so mad at Green Lantern for poking fun at Batman that he bites him so hard, Hal’s arm bleeds. Batman had grabbed him by his cape and dangled him in the air, telling him to apologize, but Robin just hung there with his arms crossed and a pout on his face. He did eventually say sorry. They all knew he didn’t mean it. He had blood drying on his lips. He didn’t wipe it away. It wasn’t until Batman put him down that the bat even noticed, then used his cape to clean him up.

The next time they saw him, he was giggling and asking Hal if yellow is his greatest weakness, and if his own yellow cape causes Hal pain. Then he leaned forward and whispered, “I hope it does” before giggling again and skipping away to ask Superman something.

Hal didn’t come to the Watchtower for two months after that.

Dick is enamored by Superman. He loves him. Follows after him all the time, is always asking Superman to take him flying. Clark takes him every so often, but cackling laugh Robin lets out while they’re in the air sends a chill down his spine.

Martian Manhunter admits that he once accidentally brushed against Robin’s mind, but all he picked up was distorted circus music.

That freaks everyone out, and now they hear it in their own heads whenever they catch a glimpse of Robin.

When he starts growing like a real boy? Horrible. Creepy. They don’t like it one bit. He’s acting too human, he’s making them think he’s real.

When he starts hanging out with their sidekicks? Nope. They all try to put a stop to it. The sidekicks all disobey them with a roll of their eyes. Then he becomes the leader of their little group, calling themselves the Titans? Oh God, he must be starting some sort of army.

Then a new Robin appears, and they all meet Nightwing, but they have no idea Nightwing used to be Robin. So when Nightwing becomes a member of the JL, they don’t think twice about him. They think Nightwing is a great guy. Very open. Very friendly. They all consider him a good friend.

Then it comes out after a few months that he used to be Robin, and all the original JL members practically squeak and distance themselves from him immediately. They’re terrified of him.

“You’re the little demon that bit me?” Hal shrieks.

Nightwing laughs, but he’s shrugging and looking so sheepish, so embarrassed.

“You were being mean to my dad!”

And the fact that Batman is Nightwing’s dad just makes them all freeze. Because they never actually considered that an option.

They’re still convinced he’s not entirely human, though. It would explain how he’s so flippy and bendy.

Dick has way too much fun when he realizes they actually think he’s not a human. He torments them just a little bit, in retaliation. Bruce watches from afar, both annoyed with his coworkers and amused by his son’s antics.

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A fantasy story starting with the protagonist minding her own business gathering firewood, when a demon appears out of nowhere announcing that she belongs to him now. The protagonist demands to know on what grounds, she's never signed no damn contract. The demon is kind of baffled by this, and awkwardly explains that just now her father had promised his firstborn for something, and she is his firstborn.

The protagonist digs her heels in and says no, she never knew her biological father and by the way the demon explained the situation, evidently her father also doesn't know that he already has a daughter, so therefore the man who had made no contribution to her life after he bred and fled has no claim to her as something he could barter.

Not giving a shit about the fact she's gambling her life in doing so, the protagonist makes contact with the local woodland fae, asking them to negotiate on her side. The fae think that this is fucking hilarious and go with her. So, having lawyered up and with a reluctant demon in tow, the protagonist heads off on a quest to find her father and do whatever it takes to wrangle everyone involved into unmaking the contract.

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i like when you watch a video essay from 5+ years ago and they make a joke/apologize for how long the video is and the runtime is like. 35 minutes. when we now live in an era of 3 hour intricate breakdowns of bad kids shows being everywhere.

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I only hate certain types of fic the same way I hate mosquitos and ticks. Like get these nasty little buggers away from me but also I respect their place in the ecosystem.

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giant metal ball from. ELDEN ring...kina sexy when ya think about it

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This idea just popped in my head so not super elaborate. But let’s have the Batfam out apprehending a rogue magic user when Nightwing gets de-aged to when he was in his first few months as Robin. And they’re all expecting a sweet little sunshine kid, a smaller version of how their brother currently acts.

Instead, they see the itsy bitsiest little kid imaginable in the original Robin uniform, and they’re all instantly so mad at Bruce for ever letting Dick go out and fight when he was literally a tiny little child. He looks like a strong wind will blow him over.

But then they see him in action and they realize oh no, their brother was actually a little monster. He actually growls at them at one point. They get back to the batcave and they see him just become an animal. He bites Damian’s arm so hard when he hears someone call Damian Robin, then screams and yells about how he’s the only Robin.

Then he tells off Bruce with the intensity of a pissed off teenager, except he’s not even four feet tall and he’s standing on a table so he can shout in Batman’s face. And Bruce just looks so exhausted.

“I’m in charge here,” Bruce starts to tell him, but Dick just puts his hands on his hips and huffs.

“It’s cute you think so,” he says in a snotty voice.

“Alright, time for bed,” Bruce says quickly, because he remembers very well how things worked back when Dick really was eight and a snot nosed little menace. And he knows all of Dick’s tells, and he can see that he’s getting overwhelmed and upset and it’s going to soon turn into a total meltdown.

“No!” Dick argues, but Bruce has already picked him up, and he’s flailing and biting Bruce’s arm. “Pumme down! You’re not my dad, put me down, you’re not my daddy!”

He’s screaming and sobbing before they’re even halfway up the stairs. It’s the tantrum of the century, and it’s making Jason’s ears ring.

“What the fuck,” Jason gasps once the door leading upstairs closes, “was that?”

“Was Dick possessed or something?” Stephanie asks, rubbing at her ears.

“I can’t believe he bit me,” Damian mumbles, watching as Alfred cleans the very detailed bite mark on his arm. Tim snorts from where he’s watching.

“I think you’re all forgetting a very crucial detail,” Alfred tells them all, his voice very patient but strained, “that Master Richard came into Master Bruce’s care during a very traumatic period in his life. While his behavior might shock you, I assure you this was all quite normal compared to when he was actually eight years old.”

And it’s true. Because they do all often forget that the only reason Dick came to live with Bruce was because he’d just watched his parents get murdered and fall to their deaths in front of him. Most of them don’t even know about the couple months he spent in juvie while Bruce fought to get custody of him.

So when they go upstairs and hear Dick still screaming at Bruce, they try to have a little more empathy. Especially when they hear him start sobbing I want my mommy over and over again, and they have to listen as Bruce whispers I know, I’m sorry, I’m here to try and soothe him.

They try to be patient when he gets so angry the next day that he screams and flings Zitka across the room to hit one of them in the head, only to start sobbing when he realizes a couple stitches popped on the leg he held to throw her and now the stuffing is coming out, and they try to calm him down while looking for Alfred to help stitch her back together.

They try not to get frustrated when he’s yelling at them, only to fumble over his words in the middle of his tirade because he can’t remember the words in English, and now he’s upset and tugging at his hair and hitting his head while they try desperately to hold his wrists and make him stop, to help him find the words he was looking for, but he’s speaking like three different languages at once and no one can follow and it just makes Dick so much more frustrated until he runs away to hide in his room.

They try not to get annoyed when he’s in the batcave and actually beating them when they spar (because he’s fighting way dirtier than he ever would if he was his normal age), only to have him taunt them and stick his tongue out at them.

They try to understand how the little brat that was just screaming in Bruce’s face is now clinging to his leg, sitting on his foot, and begging Bruce to let him sleep in his bed tonight. You have to keep the monsters out, he tells Bruce, and they all see the way that makes Bruce melt, makes him do anything Dick asks because somehow this menace has Bruce wrapped around his little finger.

They watch Dick swing from a chandelier one day, looking down and calling everyone some very colorful names in all sorts of languages, but especially Bruce. Then he’ll hop down and pretend like nothing happened, instead clinging to Bruce and making him carry him around all day long, acting as if he’ll be burned if his feet to touch the floor.

He goes from wild to sweet in the blink of an eye, and it’s a total mind fuck.

Then he turns back to normal and acts as if none of that was even out of the ordinary.